Any comments on "The Big Time?"

[WhisperStory]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=74162
The Big Time Pt. 1 - Featuring Rachael Leigh Cook and Kirsten Dunst

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=74163
The Big Time Pt. 2 - Featuring Jennifer Aniston, Tracy Tweed, Shannon Tweed, and Eliza Dushku

Whisper here (well, WhisperStory), and I'm dying for feedback. I realize there are a few continuity errors between the two chapters, but I'm doing everything I can to avoid that kind of sloppiness in future chapters.

Thanks to everyone who is taking the time to read my stuff.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Your writing is good, it's your structure and pacing that need work. I admit I'm a very impatient reader. I give a writer half a screen page to get me interested enough to want to continue, and by half a screen into your story, I was more confused than interested.

Are these scenes flashbacks or contemporary or what? Michael gets off a plane and tells his mother he got all A's and then in the next part we see he's failed all his finals or something. What happened? And the first scene with his father going into the office: is this worth a separate scene? Do I really need all this background to make sense of the rest of the story? Or could you sum up what's happened later in the story?

I must also admit that I don't usually read fan fiction or celebrity porn. For all I know this might be a parody of some movie these people made, or there might be some in-joke that I don't get since I don't keep up with what celebrities are up to (which is why I don't read celebrity porn). If that's the case, then I';m just not qualified to judge this at all.

Otherwise, I'd concentrate more on telling the story or finding a way to make it flow better: compress the time, incorporate backstory into the narrative, or find a way of making the separate parts eacvh more compelling on their own.

Like I said, you have no problem with the mechanics of writing. You have the tools, you just need the design of what you want to make.

Best of luck,

---dr.M.

 

[WhisperStory]

Thanks for the feedback.