Any advice for a newbie sub?

[nicole2309]

Hi everyone. I saw the thread with advice from the more dominant half earlier and I was hoping to get something similar. In my past sexual experiences I have always known that I enjoyed pain, spankings, being tied, blindfolded, ect. Unfortunately, I never had a partner who was truely willing to go farther. I am now ready to venture into the world of bdsm. I have met a Dom that I feel could introduce me to the lifestyle. We communicate very well, he's told me some about his training, and so far it appears that we are looking for the same things in general.

I'm really excited about this journey, but just the fact that he has over 10 years of experience makes me a bit nervous. That all being said, is there any adivce or words of wisdom that anyone could offer to me?

 

[sphynx's dragon]

Please take my words with a grain of salt as both I am not all that experienced in the lifestyle as others and also I am a bit inebriated at the moment. Remember this, it is no shame of yours to say stop, or slow down. Communication is even more important in our type of relationship than in a vanilla one. Keep the lines open and talk honestly between the two of you. While it may be both of your desires to try something it is generally your body on the line. So take it as you are ready to! But also don't be afraid to let your Dom/me push your limits a little. I guess mostly all I can say is be honest to each other and take it at the speed that you are ready to. After all, there is always tomorrow! I've found that as I didn't think I'd want anything to do with caning but now I find myself attracted to it! As well as other things that are now attractive to me where as when I began this journey they were repugnant. <shrug> Just enjoy the journey and keep trust in each other!

 

[sdcowgirl]

one thing to remember..as most have said..trust...dont rush...and communicate..also...one thing u must remember....that inspite of the fast that u may be a sub/slave...you DO have the right to stop a scene..and protect yourself...being a sub does not mean to accept what the fates deal your way....take pride in who and what u are and your service...for serving One truly with your heart...mind..and body is a wonderful thing....

 

[catalina_francisco]

Why does his 10 years experience make you nervous? Does he use it to make you feel you have to obey anything he may introduce, or is it more a feeling you are not at his level, or something else entirely? Speaking for myself, I have found someone with a lot more experience than myself was great, and even so, there are often things I can also add to the mix simply because I have experiences and knowledge I can share with him.

Catalina

 

[nicole2309]

dragon & cowgirl, I will keep your words in mind.

Catalina, I do think that what bothers me about his experience is that he is completely on another level than me. Especially when I consider the s&m part of things, and this is something I've talked with him about. I had to make sure that he'd considered that my body would not yet be ready for all that he has to give, and of course he'd already thought of it & reassured me. On the other hand, I think I will value his experience because I feel that he does have a lot that he can teach me.

Thank you all, I appreciate your respnses

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

dragon & cowgirl, I will keep your words in mind.

Catalina, I do think that what bothers me about his experience is that he is completely on another level than me. Especially when I consider the s&m part of things, and this is something I've talked with him about. I had to make sure that he'd considered that my body would not yet be ready for all that he has to give, and of course he'd already thought of it & reassured me. On the other hand, I think I will value his experience because I feel that he does have a lot that he can teach me.

Thank you all, I appreciate your respnses

Just think how much fun you'll have catching up, and don't think for a second that he won't enjoy revisiting the beginning feelings.

That said, communication is important, communicate what you are feeling, don't hold back, he needs your feedback to tailor your training to your acceptable levels. It has been said many times before, Dominants are not mindreaders (my slave may argue that point) express to us how whatever feels, enjoy yourself, and relax, the worst marks go away in a few weeks!

 

[nicole2309]

Just think how much fun you'll have catching up, and don't think for a second that he won't enjoy revisiting the beginning feelings.

I haven't thought of that way before. Sounds rather nice when you put it like that... thank you

 

[the captians wench]

I can totally relate here. My first Dom took ownership of me just a month ago. Before that I had had a couple of pain sessions with friends (I do love my friends) But they were just that. There wasn't much of the D/s play involved.

He's been taking things rather slow with me, which some times is frustrating cause I just get too ambitious. There have been things that I was nervous to try out, but I trust him, and now I find I really enjoy and sometimes even crave those things that I almost said I was not willing to try. The key thing I think is trust. Know you, know your limits, but also trust that he's not going to do anything to that is too far beyond those limits. And most importantly, enjoy the learning experence. I know I've enjoyed every new minute.

 

[Red Sonja]

dragon & cowgirl, I will keep your words in mind.

Catalina, I do think that what bothers me about his experience is that he is completely on another level than me. Especially when I consider the s&m part of things, and this is something I've talked with him about. I had to make sure that he'd considered that my body would not yet be ready for all that he has to give, and of course he'd already thought of it & reassured me. On the other hand, I think I will value his experience because I feel that he does have a lot that he can teach me.

Thank you all, I appreciate your respnses

Remember too, that while he may have experience... he doesn't have that experience with you yet. So your body's responses to these things is something new for both of you to enjoy and learn from.

The trust it takes to build up to some of these activities is not given or earned overnight, (in my experience) so let him take some time and kinkily woo you.

It sounds like he's one of the good guys...

 

[BeachGurl2]

I just thought I'd add, as a newly discovered sub as well, that I've found some great information in the BDSM library. Great links and really helpful information. You might want to look there.

 

[f-cynyr]

sub

listen to sonja, its important that the relationship of sub dom remain in play. it is very difficult to carry 24/7, tho some people try. usually if thy already have a long term relationship. trust, communication, and sincere affection between sub and dom are essential.

 

[RJMasters]

Perhaps over simplistic, but think on it for a while and see if it fits.

Focus on him. Then let your submission be genuine and flow from your innerself. This is where the magic is ignited and it is not so much about experience as it is a choice in the moment.

Technique and form will find its natural expression in time, just as with all new relationships between two people.

May you find joy from your choices.

 

[the captians wench]

Perhaps over simplistic, but think on it for a while and see if it fits.

Focus on him. Then let your submission be genuine and flow from your innerself. This is where the magic is ignited and it is not so much about experience as it is a choice in the moment.

Technique and form will find its natural expression in time, just as with all new relationships between two people.

May you find joy from your choices.

I just have to say I really like that responce.

 

[nicole2309]

captians wench, I'm sure I alraedy know the answer to this question.. but I will ask anyway... are you glad that you moved on from those pain sessions into a full blown D/s relationship?

Red Sonja, I'll definately have to keep your words in mind.. he's told me before that some women have has issues with his experience, I like thinking about it the way you put it. This will be my first time being woo'd kinkily, I'm looking forward to it... and i think he's one of the good guys too

BeachGurl, thanks for the tip, they do have lots of good info. there. I'm sure it will be helpful

f-cynyr, I'm actually hoping for/ expecting trust, communication and sincere affection.. but I suppose it's like anything else, and I will just have to wait and see how things evolve

RJMasters, I don't think it's too simplistic... I think that it sounds wonderful. I always think that natural is best. I don't want anything to be forced

Sorry to cram all of these into one post, and as always thank you all for your responses

 

[rbijon]

Sex should allways be fun for everyone....no matter who is on the other side of the paddle....heheheeee

 

[DVS]

Just like any relationship, the sub is always in charge. It might sound strange, but if you say "no" or "stop" or some safeword you have decided on, he must stop whatever he's doing. That's the SS&C rules.

Now, you say he's got 10 years of experience, so he should already know this rule. But, just because he says he's got 10 years experience doesn't mean he really does. And, if you are new to this type of thing, how do you know he's telling you the truth?

Trust is the basis of a D/s relationship. That takes time. Meeting someone for the first time is difficult, if you are only going by what he's said he has done before. If you don't have any other information that he's got this experience, you should be sure to take things slow, at first and don't let him tie you up or blindfold you until you feel safe with him. I know that might sound harsh, but there are some out there just looking for the newbie to take advantage of. It does happen, too.

Find you someone for a safe call, and do your best to find out his background, if you can. Just taking his word for it, you might end up in a bad situation. Sure, he very well might be telling you the truth and a really good guy. But, what if he isn't?

Do your homework...set up a safe call with a friend. Ask him for proof that he's got experience. And, if possible, take a friend with you to the first scene with him. Or, maybe both of you can go to a munch/play party together? None of this would bother me, if I wasn't trusted by a new sub. I'd do anything she wanted, if it made her feel safer.

 

[CorsetLvr]

If he is as experiences as you say, your first few scenes will be a sort of range setting experience where he tries to learn your likes, dislikes, and limits. For example, using pain as a form of discipline may not be effective with a very masochistic sub. However, that may not always be the case, it can depend on the context of the delivery of the pain. Pain from a displeased Dom/me can be received totally differently by a sub then if its part of pain play when she can fully submerge herself in the pain. Another example is how easily and how deeply a sub can get into subspace.

I make a sub aware that I will always respect his/her's hard limits, but I feel its my obligation to the sub to explore his/her soft limits. This is what some people call "edge play." In other words, exploring the edges of a sub's soft limits. For this reason, I like to use the "Green, yellow, red" safeword system, especially with a new sub. If a hard limit is exceeded, I expect, and even demand, that a sub use their safe word. For me, there is no shame in a sub using her safe word if in fact a hard limit is truly exceeded.