Another shot at this...

[IamDJSpyke]

Hey everyone! I know my last poetry thread turned ugly, but I'm going to try to start a new one and let you all say whatever you will about this. As long as no one says "It doesn't rhyme!" I'm happy, lol. I know it doesn't rhyme(much) but it's still pretty good, I think. Tell me if ya'll feel it...(and excuse any typos, lol)

I just wrote a poem(of sorts) in my last class and I plan on hitting up the studio when I leave school to try and come up with a rhythem. I'm not sure if I'm going to try to go rock or experimental electronic with this yet, but I'm think a very very mellow acoustic with electronic noises and such in odd tempos in the background.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No one understands my words,
but that's ok, because neither do I.
I find it relaxing to be in my own world.
Sitting in the corner of an empty room.
Staring blankly at where the window used to be.
But that was long ago,
so long ago. So long ago, I don't remember the veiw.
So whats new, out there in that foreign world?
So I'm through, pretending to be interested.
I close the door to my little room,
paint it all white and loose track,
of all openings, crevices, airholes or cracks.
Sensing, but not seeing, all the beings,
in their outside world.
Attention lost. Sun turned to frost.
Darkness falls on all,
except for me.
Locked away in my little white room.

 

[perks]

There is a huge difference between your last "poem" and this piece.

This is actually, not a bad poem at all. It's pretty good.

I would flip some of the structure around in a couple of places, like your so long ago. So long ago...

I'd start the second so long ago on a new line. That would line all your "So"s up and really punch those lines with added emphasis, which I think you need right there when reading your poem out loud.

I particularly love this part...

I close the door to my little room,
paint it all white and loose track,
of all openings, crevices, airholes or cracks.

And you may not have rhyme throughout, but you don't have to in poetry. Rhyme is just a tool, just as punctuation is. I think you've used both splendidly this time.

The meter is better, you use better tools, the subject matter is sincere and thought out. There is nuance of thought instead of obvious words.

I wish you would write like this, more.

 

[IamDJSpyke]

Thanks very much for the comments. I agree that this verse is much better than the last one I put on here. I only put the last one up because of it's content being something I don't normally write on, but thinking that it would suit the board. Most of my stuff is more like this. My structure is very different in all my works, alot of it is really out of place and such, and actually my form isn't shown in the typing. All of the lines that start in lower case are offset to the right a space or two. This gives a sense of breath in those spots more so than just starting a new sentence. But the structure where you talk about is a little funny. I'm not sure if I'm going to adjust that or not right now. I'm sure it won't matter much once it goes vocal though, as it will be expressed how it's meant through the voice and rhythem.

 

[Rybka]

. . . My structure is very different in all my works, alot of it is really out of place and such, and actually my form isn't shown in the typing. All of the lines that start in lower case are offset to the right a space or two. . .

For spacing on this forum you use this form: &-nbsp; (Just remove the dash.) You can string as many of them together as you need. Such as in:

Regards,                                 Rybka