Another reason why BDSM will never gain acceptance in the US

[graceanne]

You're -lucky-.

I worked at a local restaurant (this was a few years ago) and was taking a to-go order for a woman who had stopped by. One of the bussers motioned to me from the kitchen, so I finished taking her order, then asked VERY politely "Sweetie, would you mind waiting here for just a minute? I'm gonna go put your order in and go to the back for a minute, I'll be right back."

Went to the kitchen, took care of business there, came right back. She was telling my manager that I needed to get fired for being rude because I called her an offensive name. He came down on me like I had called her a bitch or something, and when I said "I'm sorry, Sir, I had no idea she'd take offense to the word "sweetie"!"

The manager looked over at her like "What?!"

There are benefits to being self employed most of your life. I've always been a caregiver/day care provider. I was a waitress in a retirement home for awhile, and I worked a year selling lingerie and underclothes (and I got quite a large group of customers who were elderly and disabled). (Beginning to see why I ended a caregiver?) In total I've spent MAYBE two years employed by someone else. If any of my clients objected to 'sweetie' they'd have had to take it up with me.

 

[satindesire]

There are benefits to being self employed most of your life. I've always been a caregiver/day care provider. I was a waitress in a retirement home for awhile, and I worked a year selling lingerie and underclothes (and I got quite a large group of customers who were elderly and disabled). (Beginning to see why I ended a caregiver?) In total I've spent MAYBE two years employed by someone else. If any of my clients objected to 'sweetie' they'd have had to take it up with me.

You have been very fortunate, amiga.

 

[graceanne]

You have been very fortunate, amiga.

I know. I've always been able to do what I love, take care of people. I worked a lot by word of mouth, so generally I ended up with people who wanted someone like me. To be honest, how I acted would depend on the house. This guy I used to take care of was totally blind. He'd sit in his chair and listen to the TV the whole time I was there (I mostly just cleaned house for him), and didn't invite conversation. When I took care of my step-grandma, though, we took turns buying each other lunch and always made sure I was there over lunch.

 

[ImOnIt]

You've ansered your own question;
I call men "sweetie." That's me being badly behaved.

Pisses them the fuck off!

Oh, I wouldn't call that badly behaved. Well. I had a whole post in my mind that now will never know the light of day. Carry on then.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You're -lucky-.

I worked at a local restaurant (this was a few years ago) and was taking a to-go order for a woman who had stopped by. One of the bussers motioned to me from the kitchen, so I finished taking her order, then asked VERY politely "Sweetie, would you mind waiting here for just a minute? I'm gonna go put your order in and go to the back for a minute, I'll be right back."

Went to the kitchen, took care of business there, came right back. She was telling my manager that I needed to get fired for being rude because I called her an offensive name. He came down on me like I had called her a bitch or something, and when I said "I'm sorry, Sir, I had no idea she'd take offense to the word "sweetie"!"

The manager looked over at her like "What?!"

For some women, "sweetie" is what they hear just before they get pushed down the stairs by their husband.

"Sweetie" is what they hear just before they get told they won't be getting the raise.

"Sweetie" is the term that lets them know they are not going to be taken seriously.

I have a hard enough time with "M'am, because it reminds me (of course) of what I can't change. BUT at least it tells me the person has some modicum of respect for me.

Coming from you, or graceanne I take it in the spirit it's offered-- because, for one thing, you've both made it very clear what that spirit is. So I can trust you. It won't bother me, I can appreciate it-- from you.

But coming from me? It probably means I'm not taking take you seriously, and don't much care what your thoughts and feelings are, don't care to get to know you. But you're cute as a button! That's the meaning I hear most often, when people say "sweetie."

 

[missingmaster]

back when i was a live in sub/slave to a male Dom and his extremly submissive wife we often had trouble going out anywhere, when 2 women dress sexily and walk in with one man sit on either side of him and occasionally hold hands across a table i don't care where you live people treat you like your a whore even when as a trio you have enernity bands and do nothing more than order dinner

 

[teknight]

back when i was a live in sub/slave to a male Dom and his extremly submissive wife we often had trouble going out anywhere, when 2 women dress sexily and walk in with one man sit on either side of him and occasionally hold hands across a table i don't care where you live people treat you like your a whore even when as a trio you have enernity bands and do nothing more than order dinner

a) what are enernity bands?

b) Are you saying you don't like the reaction? I'd bet it makes it more fun.

ETA: OK, I assumed your goal was to piss people off. Not necessarily the case. However...see my next post below

 

[satindesire]

a) what are enernity bands?

b) Are you saying you don't like the reaction? I'd bet it makes it more fun.

I know you totally didn't ask me, but being treated like a whore by your SO is one thing, being treated like a whore from a stranger is a whole nother ballgame.

 

[teknight]

I know you totally didn't ask me, but being treated like a whore by your SO is one thing, being treated like a whore from a stranger is a whole nother ballgame.

Touche, touche, and I apologize for coming off brash...but, what would you expect in terms of reactions? You don't honestly expect people to be OK with that sort of thing, right? (they're...small minded for being judgmental, and thus, wrong...but, it is what it is). If you expect that, and still behave that way, then you're looking to piss people off, is what I'm thinking...you'd want their reaction. Yes, they shouldn't give a damn, your life is your own, your decisions should only affect you. Totally. But that's not the world we live in.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Maybe the three of you really want to eat a nice dinner together, and no one wants to cook.

 

[FungiUg]

That sucks. I've been out as part of a threesome many a time (last time was my birthday two months ago) and never had any kind of reaction like that.

Admittedly, I have caught puzzled looks on the waitrons' faces a few times.

 

[satindesire]

Touche, touche, and I apologize for coming off brash...but, what would you expect in terms of reactions? You don't honestly expect people to be OK with that sort of thing, right? (they're...small minded for being judgmental, and thus, wrong...but, it is what it is). If you expect that, and still behave that way, then you're looking to piss people off, is what I'm thinking...you'd want their reaction. Yes, they shouldn't give a damn, your life is your own, your decisions should only affect you. Totally. But that's not the world we live in.

I'm not that person, but my mindset is that I'd never be really obvious about my triad status in public unless I'd be able to shrug off any negative reactions. As f'ed up as it is, we have to look at the fact that not everyone is going to be openminded about 'not-average' sexuality.

 

[00Syd]

For some women, "sweetie" is what they hear just before they get pushed down the stairs by their husband.

"Sweetie" is what they hear just before they get told they won't be getting the raise.

"Sweetie" is the term that lets them know they are not going to be taken seriously.

I have a hard enough time with "M'am, because it reminds me (of course) of what I can't change. BUT at least it tells me the person has some modicum of respect for me.

Coming from you, or graceanne I take it in the spirit it's offered-- because, for one thing, you've both made it very clear what that spirit is. So I can trust you. It won't bother me, I can appreciate it-- from you.

But coming from me? It probably means I'm not taking take you seriously, and don't much care what your thoughts and feelings are, don't care to get to know you. But you're cute as a button! That's the meaning I hear most often, when people say "sweetie."

Yeah, this. It's fairly infuriating to be called any name that suggests a certain intimacy and familiarity by a total stranger, man or woman, but I will readily admit that it's even more infuriating when it comes from a man. It really, really does suggest that I'm not being taken seriously as a person, that I'm being appreciated for nothing more than my gendered "cuteness" and being treated accordingly: as a cute little girl, and aw, isn't it adorable when she tries to act like an adult? So precious!

I wouldn't call the manager, but I probably would be annoyed if I was called "sweetie" by a waitress. You don't know me.

 

[WriterDom]

Yeah, this. It's fairly infuriating to be called any name that suggests a certain intimacy and familiarity by a total stranger, man or woman, but I will readily admit that it's even more infuriating when it comes from a man. It really, really does suggest that I'm not being taken seriously as a person, that I'm being appreciated for nothing more than my gendered "cuteness" and being treated accordingly: as a cute little girl, and aw, isn't it adorable when she tries to act like an adult? So precious!

I wouldn't call the manager, but I probably would be annoyed if I was called "sweetie" by a waitress. You don't know me.

Well, then don't ever go to a Waffle House.

 

[BiBunny]

I can't say that I've ever taken offense to terms of endearment. Could just be that I'm used to it, and it doesn't bother me. I just hate when people say "sweetie" or "honey" or whatever in every sentence. That is annoying, the sheer repetitiveness of it.

 

[Felix_Jones]

Yeah, this. It's fairly infuriating to be called any name that suggests a certain intimacy and familiarity by a total stranger, man or woman, but I will readily admit that it's even more infuriating when it comes from a man. It really, really does suggest that I'm not being taken seriously as a person, that I'm being appreciated for nothing more than my gendered "cuteness" and being treated accordingly: as a cute little girl, and aw, isn't it adorable when she tries to act like an adult? So precious!

I wouldn't call the manager, but I probably would be annoyed if I was called "sweetie" by a waitress. You don't know me.

I agree, originally it sounded like an unitnetntional slip, but waitresses (seems endemic among them) who call me 'sweetie' or 'honey' or 'dear' really annoy me.

Wait isn't this the BDSM becoming mainstream thread? Okay kinky waitresses calling me that super-duper annoy me. There I said it.

 

[VelvetSin]

I just sorted through the thread and may have missed similar points? There are a lot of different discussions going on in the one thread!


On the original subject, I sort of disagree that a handful of crazies make BDSM less likely to gain acceptance. The more anything is seen (in any context) the more it enters people's minds. It's already fairly mainstream and accepted to own an adult toy or five. Twenty years ago that was so taboo people would die rather than admit they owned one. Twenty years ago women got together for Avon parties but now a fun get-together is a toy party. It would be nearly pornographic twenty years ago to have someone in a music video chained up with any sort of sexual innuendo but now people rarely blink.

I think most people, no matter their level of kink, recognize a crazy for what it is. If the majority of the BDSM scene were into kidnapping and grooming children for sexual roles, chopping people up, or if accidents that caused serious injury or death were anything more than an anomaly, it would be on the nightly news every day, but it isn't. Most people realize those situations as freak situations done by criminal exceptions, not the rule.


On the subject of facial measurements being an indicator of beauty, youth, and fertility, a lot of authorities do accept the Golden Ratio (1/1.618) as pretty accurate as a beauty marker, but it is not a measure of youth or fertility. The ratio does not go away with age, but fertility does. Michelle Pfeiffer is given as a perfect 1/1.618 and she's 52 years old, well past her prime childbearing years. (One small argument against the Ratio, many people would argue that Angelena Jolie is more attractive but her ratio is further from the mark. Brad Pitt is ruled as “too masculine” per the Golden Ratio and men with more feminine features rate higher. What?? is there such a thing as too masculine?) But what does the beauty and youth argument have to do with the general acceptance of BDSM?


On the subject of things like honey, sweetie, ma'am, and sir being demeaning or insulting, what about cultural differences? In the south, it's very normal for all of those things to be thrown around everywhere you go. Grocery stores, restaurants, wherever. If it's insulting, you can't leave your hotel room (or house) because you're going to be flaming mad the whole time. In fact, I was told it was rude not to call people something like that. "Bless your heart," on the other hand, can be sincere or backhanded and is often the latter.