Another new writer. Feedback?

[Snowingman]

Just posted my first story here. I was wondering if anybody would like to read it and give me some feedback. If you do, be blunt, I have 2 other stories in the works so I don't think I will be "discouraged" from writing.

I also have a question for everyone: The story I wrote was an Incest story and put in that catagory. I am writing a second part to the story. It involves on of the main charecters (Rachelle) but moves away from the Incest. Actually, there really is none in Part 2. The only other catagories that may be right for the new story is Loving Couples. The story involves Rachelle doing "favours" for her teacher in exchange for extra marks (Yes, it might be a well used plot...). I would not really consider that loving-couples. Any ideas where that might go? Also, how can I make it clear that it is an extension of a story that is in a different section? Hmmm...

Thanks for reading and thanks for any responces.
Merci...

 

[Snowingman]

Right...

I just realized that it might not be a bad idea to post the link to the story! Here we go:

Changing Her Ways:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51760


Thanks!

 

[Axeltheswede]

Category advice

Changing categories always rings up some interesting issues. The easiest way to handle it is to make part two stand alone as a story. You can preface it with a note. Tell how the character(s) were introduced in a previous story. Give the title and category.

If your second part is strictly one on one, Erotic Couplings is probably your best choice. If there is an age difference between your two lovers, it may go in Mature.

It shouldn't be that difficult to supply background on your main character for the second story. Keep in mind, readers in Erotic Couplings may be reluctant to sample an incest story.

Hope this helps.

 

[Snowingman]

Thanks

I think I will make it as a seperate story, and, as you said, introduce the charecters as if they were knew, detailing what happened before them before this event.

As for the catagory, it will be one of the two (Erotic Couplings or Mature). I will be sure however, to avoid any major reference to incest.

Merci!

 

[Snowingman]

Just a little bumb to see if any one could give me some feedback? Just a little?

Changine Her Ways.
-Incest
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51760


Merci!

Edit: Link was old, put the new, "correct" one in...

 

[Axeltheswede]

Feedback

By the middle of the first page my credibility had been stretched to the breaking point. Apparently, Josh was home for the holidays from his job guarding a harem somewhere. Only a eunuch could endure what he did without so much as a twitch.

This guy watched his 18 year old hot cousin strip, shave her pussy, fuck herself with no less than two dildos, pop her cherry anally with one dildo, lick the devices clean (not recommended for a dildo just out of one's ass), and pop at least one trememdous orgasm. All that, and he stood there without so much as fingering his zipper. Forget eunuch, this guy is a corpse. Put him in the hole and throw dirt.

On a technical level, your writing is well done, spelled correctly, and has no glaring mistakes with grammar.

I found it hard to believe the premise of the story - she wanted a consult on sluttiness. Find a more believable scenario, fire the eunuch, and you could make this into a hot story.

Hope this helped. Remember, you asked for feedback. Good luck on your future writing projects.

 

[Snowingman]

Thank You

I asked for feedback and I got feedback. Thanks for taking the time to read it, I do appreciate it.

And, although I don't know what a harem or an eunuch is, your right on pretty much very point! I think I had a one track mind going, and that led to the lack if credibility. I guess we could all imagine that he went home and had a great couple of hours!

For any other storys I do write, I will defiantly keep it in mind.

Merci,

 

[Axeltheswede]

Feedback

A harem is where the sultan or king or grand poobah keeps his multiple wives.

A eunuch is a guy with his nuts cut off. The sultan has eunuchs to guard his women. Very little chance a gelded guy is going to mess with your women.

My point was, your character Josh watched all that action. You never mentioned any physical reaction on his part. I couldn't see where that would be possible, let alone likely. Any male with a three piece set would have been on her like dimples on a golf ball about the time she got that muff half shaved.

I didn't want to imagine him going home to wallop his rod. I wanted him to start laying some pipe, doing the nasty, bumping uglies with cuz until they both cried.

 

[Snowingman]

Now I know...

Again, your right. I had a quick part that mentioned his physical reaction (very small, a sentance or two) but I cut it out becouse it did not seem to fit.

Mabye I should write a part two...


Merci,

 

[Axeltheswede]

Feedback

If English is not your primary language, I have to compliment you on your proficiency. You don't list a location. Being a chauvinist American, I assume everyone else is too. My mistake.

 

[Snowingman]

English is my first language. I speak French too, but I am not competly proficient. I wish I was though. I can speak it well enough to carry on a coversation, but not to write.

I live in mimi-America (aka Canada). I just assume that everybody here lives in the States (unless they state otherwise), it is a very safe assumption to make.

 

[sexual improv]

I like it and it has a different than expected ending. I think your story really took off when the dildos came out. It looks like you started giving us more description there "Now there was a clean-shaven pussy, with red lips with nothing blocking the path of the dildo, sitting in front of me. and other lines.

Maybe go back and look at what you were writing. It seems like you got more into it at that point. Maybe the story really begins there.

And by god, even if just for me, write one story about fucking Rachelle in the ass, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!