Another new one....

[LittleMsNaughty]

I would lov eto hear what others think of my poems - critism or otherwise as I would like to expand and improve on my writing..... all opinions welcomed and respected.... thanks


I love the way you touch me,
The anticipation of your kiss,
Your tongue dancing in my mouth,
The softness of your lips,
I close my eyes and dream,
A dream of my desire,
Our two bodies entwined as one,
With a passion hot like fire,
I start to drown in your eyes,
As the heat begins to build,
Our souls crash together in violent waves,
Then the Universe is still.

 

[WickedEve]

I would lov eto hear what others think of my poems - critism or otherwise as I would like to expand and improve on my writing..... all opinions welcomed and respected.... thanks

I admire your desire for constructive feedback. If you take time to read some of the poetry submitted to literotica, then you may begin to notice some similarities. Many poems sound the same. I'm sorry to say, but I read your four poems and there wasn't much originality -- yet. I say yet because this can be corrected with practice and learning more about poetry.
What you've written is cliché. I'd like to read your poetry and know it's a LittleMsNaughty poem, because I recognize your own personal style.

Let's take this poem:

I love the way you touch me,
Show don't tell. Why do you love the way he (assuming it's a he) touches? How does your lover touch you? Is he gentle or rough?
The anticipation of your kiss,
Your tongue dancing in my mouth,
A dancing tongue is cliché. It's been used until the tongue is no longer dancing but shuffling along. Think of another way to say the same thing.
The softness of your lips,
I close my eyes and dream,
A dream of my desire,
Our two bodies entwined as one,
With a passion hot like fire,
I start to drown in your eyes,
As the heat begins to build,
Our souls crash together in violent waves,
Then the Universe is still.
and more clichés.

Think about what you really want to say. Give examples, like a description of where the two of you make love. If it's in your bedroom, then describe the way the sun filters through the blinds, or the sounds of the city outside, etc. Anything to take the reader there and help them experience your sights, sounds, emotions, and so on. Describe how he tastes, how he has that one stray curl that makes you want to twirl yourself up in it so you can hang around with him all day! lol
Anyway, just a few suggestions to get you started. I now turn you over to the rest of the board. You will receive excellent advice.

Eve