Another 'how the heck do I write this' from me

[CoffeeWithMonkeys]

Working on a scene where these two people pretty much just met and things are awkward between them still. They are sitting drinking a beer with an awkward silence between them, then they both start talking at the same time. How would you write that?
Here's how I have it right now.
"I'm so glad you decided to stay here..."
"Thanks for inviting us to stay here..."
We say at the same time.

Does that work or would it work better a different way?

And THANKS!!!!

 

[NotWise]

Working on a scene where these two people pretty much just met and things are awkward between them still. They are sitting drinking a beer with an awkward silence between them, then they both start talking at the same time. How would you write that?
Here's how I have it right now.
"I'm so glad you decided to stay here..."
"Thanks for inviting us to stay here..."
We say at the same time.

Does that work or would it work better a different way?

And THANKS!!!!

That works. Whether or not there's a better way is up to you.

I might have the characters cut themselves off when they realize they're talking at the same time.

They started speaking in the same instant. Y said, "I'm so glad..."
"Thanks for..." X said, and they laughed together until X went on, "What were you so glad for?"

 

[Handley_Page]

Working on a scene where these two people pretty much just met and things are awkward between them still. They are sitting drinking a beer with an awkward silence between them, then they both start talking at the same time. How would you write that?
Here's how I have it right now.
"I'm so glad you decided to stay here..."
"Thanks for inviting us to stay here..."
We say at the same time.

Does that work or would it work better a different way?

And THANKS!!!!

It works, but might go on:-

1 "Sorry; after you - please."
2 "About last . . . ."
etc.

 

[My I]

Working on a scene where these two people pretty much just met and things are awkward between them still. They are sitting drinking a beer with an awkward silence between them, then they both start talking at the same time. How would you write that?
Here's how I have it right now.
"I'm so glad you decided to stay here..."
"Thanks for inviting us to stay here..."
We say at the same time.

Does that work or would it work better a different way?

And THANKS!!!!

Not sure how you wrote the uncomfortable silence into it but here's how I would handle it:

We sat for a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, drinking our beers and avoiding eye contact. The tension was thick as frozen custard when we both spoke at once.
"I'm so glad you decided to stay here..."
"Thanks for inviting us to stay here..."
We both laughed and relaxed considerably.

By letting the reader know beforehand they are less likely to have to back-track.

 

[Elloelle]

Working on a scene where these two people pretty much just met and things are awkward between them still. They are sitting drinking a beer with an awkward silence between them, then they both start talking at the same time. How would you write that?
Here's how I have it right now.
"I'm so glad you decided to stay here..."
"Thanks for inviting us to stay here..."
We say at the same time.

Does that work or would it work better a different way?

And THANKS!!!!

"I'm... so... glad... you... decided... to... stay... here... "
....."Thanks...for... inviting...us... to... stay... here..."

 

[Bramblethorn]

Working on a scene where these two people pretty much just met and things are awkward between them still. They are sitting drinking a beer with an awkward silence between them, then they both start talking at the same time. How would you write that?
Here's how I have it right now.
"I'm so glad you decided to stay here..."
"Thanks for inviting us to stay here..."
We say at the same time.

Does that work or would it work better a different way?

And THANKS!!!!

I might break the usual rule of "each speaker on a separate line" for that. Something like this, perhaps:

Tick, tick, tick. Better say something.

"I'm so glad you agreed to come, I - " "Thank you for inviting me, I - " we babbled, both at once.

(and check the rule on dashes for interrupted speech, I've probably got that wrong there)

 

[kisandra]

You could even not have them not even close to finishing the sentence.

Both would be unsure what the other was going to say. Neither are game to say it first, so both write it down and hand to the other....

 

[CyranoJ]

"Thanks for inviting us to stay here," I began to say just as [he] was saying: "I'm so glad you decided to stay here..."

 

[sr71plt]

"I'm so glad you decided to stay here..."
"Thanks for inviting us to stay here..."

This part would be fine if the effect you want is for both to just let their speech peter out (because they realize they are both speaking). If you want the effect of them both abruptly stopping, use em dashes instead (em dash for interruption; ellipsis for petering-out speech).

But this part isn't grammatical:

We say at the same time. (not a complete sentence; the object is missing.)

This would be OK:

We spoke over each other.

 

[LeandraNyx]

Deleted

 

[weftandwarp]

Working on a scene where these two people pretty much just met and things are awkward between them still. They are sitting drinking a beer with an awkward silence between them, then they both start talking at the same time. How would you write that?
Here's how I have it right now.
"I'm so glad you decided to stay here..."
"Thanks for inviting us to stay here..."
We say at the same time.

Does that work or would it work better a different way?

And THANKS!!!!

With a minimal adjustment I think you've done it with your second sentence. As they are your words they should fit. It looks like an opening paragraph to me- I usually delete opening paragraphs- they serve as a necessary bridge into a story but once the story is down I find them redundant. Almost always I find the second paragraph is a much better introduction. That's how it works for me. Perhaps it is the same for you.

 

[HandsInTheDark]

We sat for a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, drinking our beers and avoiding eye contact. The tension was thick as frozen custard when we both spoke at once.
"I'm so glad you decided to stay here..."
"Thanks for inviting us to stay here..."

I'd rearrange this, in part because the tension was probably there before they spoke. I'd want to drag the description out to make the awkwardness more painful; and I don't like custard:

We sat for a few minutes; for the life of me I couldn't think of what to say. Neither could she. I looked at the floor, then around the bar. She glanced at her phone, and then nervously put it away. Her eyes flicked up, and then suddenly down again, and I had to say something.

"I'm so glad you decid-"
"Thanks for inviting me-"

We both stopped dead, horrified at having talked over the other. She turned red; I may have as well.

"...to stay," I added, lamely.

"I'm happy to," she said, her voice down to a whisper. "Very happy to have you."

She hadn't tried to make that suggestive, but I couldn't help but think of it in those terms, and I chuckled, nervously. She went from red to scarlet in a heartbeat.

Someone please rescue these poor people.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Consider.

Write on the same line and separate with a "/" then add said together. Or start the joint dialogue with "We said together" or they said together."

 

[CoffeeWithMonkeys]

I wanted to say Thanks to everyone for the suggestions, all are so good I'm really confused about which way to go now!

But I am very thankful for the help! You are all awesome.