another guy with another story

[mikey2much]

Hello everybody,

Well I have finished my new story and it is posted. So far it is not drawing the attention that my other stories have. Maybe that is because it is in the Non-Erotica section.

On the bright side the votes are running at about ten percent of the readers.

Give it a read if you have the time. I did keep it short.
mikey

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Hello everybody,

Well I have finished my new story and it is posted. So far it is not drawing the attention that my other stories have. Maybe that is because it is in the Non-Erotica section.

On the bright side the votes are running at about ten percent of the readers.

Give it a read if you have the time. I did keep it short.
mikey

A couple of mistakes here, Mikey.
1. You picking on Bush and Chaney
2. It's non-erotic

Lit is a cross section of American. By picking out Bush and Chaney you automatically offend about 30% of the readers. With a few notable exceptions, the AH is pretty liberal, but it's also a select group. Lit, overall, is fairly middle of the road.

Non-Erotic stories tend to get far fewer reads and votes than any other catagory except Novels/Novellas. The combination didn't help the story.

There are a couple of errors. For instance, you wrote:

When President Bush heard the news he was famously quoted as saying.

"Gee Whiz, they killed them all?"

There should be a comma after saying and the quotation should follow in the same paragraph, like dialogue. Not a big deal.

The story was alright, generally. However, I think you would have gotten a few more reads and votes if you had done this a alogory.

 

[mikey2much]

Thanks Jenny

There are certaintly less readers but the percentage of voters is much higher.
mikey

 

[writelove]

I enjoyed your story. The subject matter was different than most on this site and that was refreshing.

I liked your descriptions especially at the beginning of the story. You have definite potential here.

I have a suggestion of course. A lot of people speak these little mantras when providing feedback -- show don't tell -- that sort of thing. Despite the fact that I am no accomplished writer, I figure I can make a change to this.

I believe that a key component of good writing is the balance between summarization and live action. Everything cannot be real-time or every book would be a thousand pages. Every book has some summarization. Many people call this the nasty "tell" that should never occur. The skill is in the balance between summary and detail.

After a great start to your story, I felt you summarized too much and didn't give enough live action. You also had the main character remember so many things from the past. Care must be taken when a good portion of a story dwells on summary about the past or is a flashback.

I have no idea why you have not receive much feedback from people. I thought it better than many on this site. Of course I don't care if you are conservative or liberal.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I agree with most of what writelove says (BTW - welcome, and dont be shy. Your opinion is worth just as much as the oldies here. Let yourself go!)

It could have been better proofed, but I doubt that's the main problem.

First, there is no light and shade here. A monotone of evil, failed and unfortunate people doesn't create a good plot dynamic. After a superb start, you disappear into loads of distracting 'political' backstory. As writelove says, if you'd lightened up on the polemic and given us more of his hurt, we would have been drawn in more.

Jenny suggested an allegory, which could work well. I wondered if you could write the story implying it was in Iraq and only when he sets off his suicide bomb is it revealed to be America.

Sure, non-erotic, like a few backwaters of Lit, gets fewer fish. You really have to write and plot tightly if you want to carry the readers.

The politics don't bother me, but I think Jenny's right, you will lose a percentage of readers by taking a stand.

 

[mikey2much]

I see what you mean

I enjoyed your story. The subject matter was different than most on this site and that was refreshing.

I liked your descriptions especially at the beginning of the story. You have definite potential here.

I have a suggestion of course. A lot of people speak these little mantras when providing feedback -- show don't tell -- that sort of thing. Despite the fact that I am no accomplished writer, I figure I can make a change to this.

I believe that a key component of good writing is the balance between summarization and live action. Everything cannot be real-time or every book would be a thousand pages. Every book has some summarization. Many people call this the nasty "tell" that should never occur. The skill is in the balance between summary and detail.

After a great start to your story, I felt you summarized too much and didn't give enough live action. You also had the main character remember so many things from the past. Care must be taken when a good portion of a story dwells on summary about the past or is a flashback.

I have no idea why you have not receive much feedback from people. I thought it better than many on this site. Of course I don't care if you are conservative or liberal.

I think that I understand what you are telling me. I guess that I kinda thought that I was going into the man's mind and finding what he was thinking as he carried out his task. I was trying to show that anybody could be forced into a nothing-left-to-live-for sort of place, and once he was there he would be fair game for people like the man who left him the bike. I was trying to show that it was the despair that was the driving force behind his act.

I am just learning how to do this sort of stuff and I make a lot of mistakes.
thanks for helping me see some of them.
mikey

 

[mikey2much]

read above post too

I agree with most of what writelove says (BTW - welcome, and dont be shy. Your opinion is worth just as much as the oldies here. Let yourself go!)

It could have been better proofed, but I doubt that's the main problem.

First, there is no light and shade here. A monotone of evil, failed and unfortunate people doesn't create a good plot dynamic. After a superb start, you disappear into loads of distracting 'political' backstory. As writelove says, if you'd lightened up on the polemic and given us more of his hurt, we would have been drawn in more.

Jenny suggested an allegory, which could work well. I wondered if you could write the story implying it was in Iraq and only when he sets off his suicide bomb is it revealed to be America.

Sure, non-erotic, like a few backwaters of Lit, gets fewer fish. You really have to write and plot tightly if you want to carry the readers.

The politics don't bother me, but I think Jenny's right, you will lose a percentage of readers by taking a stand.

I wish that I had thought of that. Placing the story inside iraq and then at the end letting the reader find ouit that it is Ohio or something would have been great. Writelove above gave me some good insights also as well as Jenny.

I want to tank all of you for your help. If I ever become a writer it will be partly your fault. ;-)

mikey
PS did you like the R.Richards guy in the story. Is that considered a no no here?