Another First

[lyricalcandy]

My first story submission is finally approved!! Its called "A Night to Remember" and it's listed in the NonHuman category. It's a vampire story, but I tried to make it classy and romantic, not blood and gore. I'm hoping that people will check it out ... be so kind as to vote, and feedback is welcome. So far the sequel is all in my head ... but I'll be putting it to print pretty soon.

Anyhow, here's the link

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=98195

Thanks in advance,

Lyricalcandy

 

[Chicklet]

First off, I gave you a "5" - to me that means that your story was excellent in at least all ways but one, and in fact I have very few things to comment on.

Your first paragraph,

It was another boring summer. I was home from college, with not much to do but sit at home with mom and my younger siblings. The one summer I actually wanted to go out and get a job... no one was hiring. So I was limited to babysitting and trying to find other things to do with my life. All was going according to the mundane ritual until I got an unexpected e-mail.

is pretty boring. You write beautifully! I know because I read the whole story. This paragraph doesn't do you or the story justice...it turned me away at first, I didn't want to read it. I wanted to click back and not give you any feedback. If you add something more to it, I don't know...just re-read your own work and then re-write the opening, I think that you'll do fine. I think, in fact, that you could skip the intro all together and just start with the e-mail. Start with the italics, and go from there:

(your letter here)

My heart pounded at the e-mail, sent in response to a personal ad I had placed two weeks ago. Sometimes when you have nothing better to do, you place ads online that you fear you will regret. I'd been home from college for two weeks, and already the summer had seemed duller than ever before.

See what I'm saying?

Okay, so, that's the only advice I can give you about the order of your story, the style you've written. There are a few mistakes with commas (although I'm not an expert, I'm sure of it)

I was home from college, with not much to do but sit at home with mom and my younger siblings.

I'm rather certain that that comma should not be there. (Just a note - I am *not* an expert on punctuation so the next person to respond to this post should feel free to correct me)

It was a warm night in July when we met: shortly after sunset.

The ":" bothers me. I think that it would be better if you kept it out, kept the sentence whole, or else added another word to make it more like what you're looking for...for instance:

It was a warm night in July when we met, the sun just having crept back behind the mountains, the world settling into its dim light.

Okay, that's about it for the comma thing I was talking about. Now, your dialogue needs a little mechanical help.

"Don't take me home, not yet. Take me with you"

You are guilty of something most authors I read on here do: Where's the end of the sentance? between "you" and the " a comma, period, exclaimation mark...anything...is missing. It should read:

"Don't take me home, not yet. Take me with you."

This happened in almost every line of dialogue in the story. Not very distracting, not a HUGE deal to most people, but still a little annoying for me. If I were you I would go back and make sure that that doesn't happen.

Then he spoke revealing fangs and repeating what he had said before.

This read a little awkward - I think it would sound better if you used the word "repeated" instead of "repeating."

Then he spoke revealing fangs and repeated what he had said before.

Okay, like I said, your story was excellent and almost perfect. Keep writing, and thanks for sharing!

-Chicklet

 

[lyricalcandy]

Thanks ... I've edited that thing umpteen times ... I vowed to leave it alone and do no more edits so that it could be approved

In the original version I used ... entirely too much...and I tried to go back and take some of them out... but once you remove the ... its hard to know what to put!

You know this punctuation thing is confusing I tell ya! Spell/grammer check doesn't pick it up ... and to be truthful I think there are teachers out there that teach slightly conflicting things. (MLA/APA/Research Papers Arghhhh!!!)

You're probably right about the first paragraph too ... I tried to give backround, but I think I gave a little too much eh? In hindsight ... having the word boring in the first sentence could cause the wrong kind of foreshadowing!

Hey I have another question ... on literotica, can you edit something before its posted?

Thank you soo much for the feedback. I appreciate it.

Lyricalcandy

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I think there are teachers out there that teach slightly conflicting things.

There should be: it's a matter of taste. If there were only 'rules', they're dead and should be ignored. The only important things are guidelines for what sounds right and what does and doesn't work.

Yes, it is well written, and well structured, and with good imagery. No problems. A few quibbles of the kind Chicklet has made, but nothing that really mars it.

mentally marveling As opposed to marvelling by looking him up and down with open mouth? Probably not, so you don't need to specify 'mentally'.

Okay, to quibble with word choice, that's one example of a slightly lazy grouping of words. Here's another: 'kept his eyes glued firmly on the road'. Now 'glued on the road' is a pretty specific image for watching the road, and you don't need to make people imagine gluing as opposed to just watching; and you certainly don't need to add 'firmly'. And another from later: 'rock hard nipples'. Just little things, but try to think of fresher words for these common things.

No sooner than he had stopped speaking, my breasts were cupped in my hands.
(1) I don't think the first half is idiomatic. I think we say 'No sooner had he...' or (in opposite sense) 'Sooner than he...', but not 'No sooner than'. But if you do say it in your dialect, ignore me.
(2) 'No sooner had he stopped speaking, than his hands cupped my breasts.' - Where the first clause has him doing something, it seems odd to make him the passive agent of the next one. Better if he's topic of both.

here I was in this man's car, fondling my breasts The implicit 'he' fondling my breasts, referring back to 'this man', isn't as clear as the grammatical implication that I was in the car and I was fondling my breasts.

and I instinctively began to step out
Stepping out of car doors isn't instinctive. It's automatic, perhaps. This minor word choice sets slighty the wrong tone because 'instinctive' implies gut feelings - you might instinctively hesitate in fear.

I think the specific examples I've given illustrate one general thing: read it aloud and visualize it. When you've written 'rock hard nipples', do you really mean they were hard like a rock, is that actually what you see/feel? Or is it just a writing way of saying very hard? if it is, if it's just writing, change it: bring imagery in.

 

[Chicklet]

Thanks ... I've edited that thing umpteen times ... I vowed to leave it alone and do no more edits so that it could be approved

I totally understand - sometimes you just have to let it go and hit yourself on the forhead later.

Hey I have another question ... on literotica, can you edit something before its posted?

Yes - when it's "pending" you can still edit by clicking "edit" on your special submissions page. And, once it's posted, you can always resubmit - just submit it again as usual with the title A Night To Remember RESUBMISSION - Laurel takes care of it and just replaces the old copy with the new one.

And you're very welcome

Chicklet