mysterywhiteboy
Experienced
- Joined
- May 24, 2002
- Posts
- 69
i also wouldn't mind a congenial editor.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=117947
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=117947
another first story writer looking for feedback
- Thread starter mysterywhiteboy
- Start date
CelticFrog
Almost Killed In Action
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2003
- Posts
- 1,076
Interesting
For a pretty short story, you did well in my opinion. I have a few nitpicks I'd like to toss out there, take or leave any you wish.
It was quite a jolt for me to be taken from the night before 'you' left for college to finishing grad school, getting married, and then suddenly be thrust into the REAL story where you are a professor. At first I thought you would be telling the story you have alluded to at the end of this one. I am intrigued but frustrated.
Okay, just my opinion, remember. I don't think the 'now lets....' part of the first sentence is necessary. At least not the 'now'. Also, a spelczecquer would be handy throughout your story... I'm picky about that -- misspelt words throw me off. Many people don't have this pickiness, but ask anyone who has been subjugated to thousands of spelling bees throughout their school career and they'll say the same thing.
"Their skirts were short enough to SHOW" would be how I would phrase that, personally.
You've also skipped a few words in your story -- they wore tight enough what?
Not many sentences are well begun with the word "and". I also think the last two sentences were a little stilted, even with 'adding' in the missing word. Perhaps something like this:
"Imagination was not necessary to discern the shape and condition of their lower bodies, and remembering my youth, I could easily make an educated guess about the tightness of their cunts."
Having used the same term you did, I can now say I much prefer 'pussy'. I believe it was KillerMuffin who wrote the paper on good erotic term usage. If it wasn't, I'M SORRY!!! There are so many good resources in the Writer Resources page, I think I have it bookmarked.
Another nitpick, and I think I'll leave you alone, is this:
This phrase drives me nuts. I had to read, reread, and reread again the sentence preceding it and this one to be able to understand how you meant it. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't know if it's grammatically correct, but it sure doesn't feel like it. Maybe using a different term or phrasing would be in your best interest here.
"...stirred up the rest of the class.
The class wasn't alone in their appreciation."
Just my overbudget $.02, like I said earlier, take what you want and leave the rest. I hope this is constructive!
Ang
For a pretty short story, you did well in my opinion. I have a few nitpicks I'd like to toss out there, take or leave any you wish.
It was quite a jolt for me to be taken from the night before 'you' left for college to finishing grad school, getting married, and then suddenly be thrust into the REAL story where you are a professor. At first I thought you would be telling the story you have alluded to at the end of this one. I am intrigued but frustrated.
Okay, just my opinion, remember. I don't think the 'now lets....' part of the first sentence is necessary. At least not the 'now'. Also, a spelczecquer would be handy throughout your story... I'm picky about that -- misspelt words throw me off. Many people don't have this pickiness, but ask anyone who has been subjugated to thousands of spelling bees throughout their school career and they'll say the same thing.
"Their skirts were short enough to SHOW" would be how I would phrase that, personally.
You've also skipped a few words in your story -- they wore tight enough what?
Not many sentences are well begun with the word "and". I also think the last two sentences were a little stilted, even with 'adding' in the missing word. Perhaps something like this:
"Imagination was not necessary to discern the shape and condition of their lower bodies, and remembering my youth, I could easily make an educated guess about the tightness of their cunts."
Having used the same term you did, I can now say I much prefer 'pussy'. I believe it was KillerMuffin who wrote the paper on good erotic term usage. If it wasn't, I'M SORRY!!! There are so many good resources in the Writer Resources page, I think I have it bookmarked.
Another nitpick, and I think I'll leave you alone, is this:
This phrase drives me nuts. I had to read, reread, and reread again the sentence preceding it and this one to be able to understand how you meant it. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't know if it's grammatically correct, but it sure doesn't feel like it. Maybe using a different term or phrasing would be in your best interest here.
"...stirred up the rest of the class.
The class wasn't alone in their appreciation."
Just my overbudget $.02, like I said earlier, take what you want and leave the rest. I hope this is constructive!
Ang
