Another feedback request

[NoCorrelation]

So, a while back I asked for feedback on my first story. It didn't go well - the concensus was that I was trying to being too generic and as a result it came over a bit like an IM story. In retrospect, pretty fair points.

The first two parts of my new story are now up on the site, but as they've had very few comments, I'm turning to you lovely people for feedback again.

The story is about Sarah and Matt, a couple in a part time Ds relationship. It takes place on her birthday, and revolves around being tricked into wearing a remote controlled vibrator/butt plug combination that she can't remove without permission.

The night will probably end up being 4 parts long, so it's not exactly wall to wall sex here. I've tried to make the characters fuller and to make the sexual stuff more connected to the people involved.

Any feedback, good or bad, is more than gratefully received.

http://www.literotica.com/s/sarahs-birthday-surprise-ch-01 (intro, no real sex)
http://www.literotica.com/s/sarahs-birthday-surprise-ch-02 (solo, exhibitionism, minor punishment)

( One of the 5 comments I got to pt1 was simply "less tech", so there's very little in pt2. )

 

[jrgg43]

Hello.... and sorry I didn't comment earlier...

I actually read this chapter when it first came out and I am sorry I didn't comment or rate the story then.

I love the story, and I disagree with the commenter who said less tech. I think it is an intrinsic part of the story in that it says a lot about the kind of person that Matt is.

The reactions to the technology also help to describe Sarah.

Anyway, I gave you a five star rating for chapter one and am going on to chapter two.

Thanks for writing this

jrgg43

 

[NoCorrelation]

cheers jrgg. I'm glad someone else is enjoying the story not just me.

On to part three...

 

[sun_sea_sky]

Very erotic stories. Can't wait for part 3 now. I don't think there is too much techo stuff. In fact I can imagine that the sort of thing you describe will become quite common. The technology for every part currently exists (eg. the Wii, Bluetooth, vibrators) and the will to combine them into something arousing, such as you describe, must surely be there by now.

I can imagine that the basic idea could be used in a few ways:

• Self-pleasuring (ie. you hold the control)
• Dom/sub as you describe
• Long-distance sex (eg. for partners who are in another state/country)

I can think of a few other uses as well, but that's probably enough to start with.

 

[lil_lego]

Hi i am new here but i read your story last night,

it is amazing, i am eagerly awaiting part 3,


whoever said it was too techy i disagree in todays society you can imagine this reflects the digital age we are in.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Anyone who drives an MR-2 (I had one once) and can write a sentence like;

Like every other day, it was just another chance to beat her personal best for the number of continuous days without dying.

can't be all bad.

I think the techno angle on BDSM is quite innovative and refreshing after dark dungeons, floggers, paddles etc.. Perhaps you get a tad too involved with how it all works, but that's a minor point.

However, there's always that, some things jarred.

I thought ch.2 better than ch.1 because you stopped the quasi-IM effect and wrote the story mainly from Sarah's POV rather than Matt's. Please lose the irritating (shimmery time travel effect) line - it's excrutiating. Also, it destroys the angst you build up in Sarah's mind.

It may be just me, but I find BDSM stories that switch POV lose something and your first part had us jump from her to him far too much. I think you can get the effect you want by staying in Sarah's head and getting Matt's thoughts across in conversation and her imagination. You do it more in ch.2.

Again, 'less is more'. You have a habit of giving us more information than the story development requires. This, in ch.2 is irrelevant and slows the pacing:

Matt got out of his taxi and stretched, looking around the market square as he did so. In the light of the setting sun, the square was cool, quiet and empty but for a greengrocer putting the last of his stock into a battered van and a few couples walking between the empty stalls on their way from the car parks to the restaurants that were clustered on the far side. Matt did the same.

A few hours earlier this acre of cobblestones would have been full of people trying to hide from the bright summer sun by hiding under canopies, pretending to be interested in the goods on offer. Those who considered themselves locals would have congregated around the greengrocers and second-hand book stalls while the tourists focused on the stalls specialising in printing the town name on any form of clothing or plastic tat that they could find. Both groups would have wandered past the stalls offering “home cooked” cuisine from one of a dozen different nations, before diving into the air-conditioned cool of a nearby Subway or Starbucks.

Matt stepped into the bar he'd asked Ananda to bring Sarah to and, after a brief queue at the bar, settled down in a quiet corner with a glass of local beer and a gin and slimline tonic.

I think all but the last line should go. Is all the description vital to the plot?

Summary? Don't worry about the techy stuff, it's new and good. Get your story structure right and tight to keep us 'turning pages' and, not always applicable, go with a single POV and lots of dialogue.

Post here when ch.3 appears. I want to read it.

Hope this is of help.