Lost Cause
It's a wrap!
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2001
- Posts
- 30,949
I've been there...done that!
**> OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage
> reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
>
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with
> a properly maintained vehicle.
>
> Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
> Total $21.00
>
>
> OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
>
> 1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00
> for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented
> tree.
>
> 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead
> of taking it back to O'Reilly to Recycle, dump in hole in
> back yard.
>
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
>
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you
> in process.
>
> 12) Clean up mess.
>
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>
> 14) Look for oil filter wrench.
>
> 15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist
> off.
>
> 16) Beer.
>
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish
> oil change tomorrow.
>
> 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from
> underneath car.
>
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>
> 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
>
> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin
> coat of oil to gasket surface.
>
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>
> 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the
> back yard along with drain plug.
>
> 27) Drink beer.
>
> 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
>
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the
> floor.
>
> 30) Drink beer.
>
> 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang
> knuckles on frame.
>
> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>
> 33) Begin cussing fit.
>
> 34) Throw wrench.
>
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit
> Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
>
> 36) Beer.
>
> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required
> to stop blood flow.
>
> 38) Beer.
>
> 39) Beer.
>
> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>
> 41) Beer.
>
> 42) Lower car from jack stands.
>
> 43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
>
> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
> fresh oil spilled during step 23.
>
> 45) Beer.
>
> 46) Test drive car.
>
> 47) Get pulled over -- arrested for driving under the
> influence.
>
> 48) Car gets impounded.
>
> 49) Make bail.
>
> 50) Get car from impound yard.
>
> Money spent: Parts $50.00
> DUI $2500.00
> Impound fee $75.00
> Bail $1500.00
> Beer $25.00
> Total-- $4150.00
>
> But you know the job was done right!
**> OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage
> reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
>
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with
> a properly maintained vehicle.
>
> Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
> Total $21.00
>
>
> OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
>
> 1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00
> for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented
> tree.
>
> 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead
> of taking it back to O'Reilly to Recycle, dump in hole in
> back yard.
>
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
>
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you
> in process.
>
> 12) Clean up mess.
>
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>
> 14) Look for oil filter wrench.
>
> 15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist
> off.
>
> 16) Beer.
>
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish
> oil change tomorrow.
>
> 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from
> underneath car.
>
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>
> 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
>
> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin
> coat of oil to gasket surface.
>
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>
> 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the
> back yard along with drain plug.
>
> 27) Drink beer.
>
> 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
>
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the
> floor.
>
> 30) Drink beer.
>
> 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang
> knuckles on frame.
>
> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>
> 33) Begin cussing fit.
>
> 34) Throw wrench.
>
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit
> Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
>
> 36) Beer.
>
> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required
> to stop blood flow.
>
> 38) Beer.
>
> 39) Beer.
>
> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>
> 41) Beer.
>
> 42) Lower car from jack stands.
>
> 43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
>
> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
> fresh oil spilled during step 23.
>
> 45) Beer.
>
> 46) Test drive car.
>
> 47) Get pulled over -- arrested for driving under the
> influence.
>
> 48) Car gets impounded.
>
> 49) Make bail.
>
> 50) Get car from impound yard.
>
> Money spent: Parts $50.00
> DUI $2500.00
> Impound fee $75.00
> Bail $1500.00
> Beer $25.00
> Total-- $4150.00
>
> But you know the job was done right!
