Anger in scenes?

[Etoile]

Netzach makes a good point. Pretty much all of the responses in this thread have to do with when we have recognized anger is present. I'm sure we've all experienced times when we fly off the handle without realizing it, and it's not being "out of control" - it's a natural human reaction. The skill comes in how fast you realize you're angry and take steps to address that.

 

[JMohegan]

I have *no* problem whatsoever to vent my general anger at guys-- and express that phsically too. Where I became squeamish (word?) was when I was involved with a tiny non-transitioned transboy. It felt like lashing out at a woman (in the sense that ze wasn't a muscular guy with lots of male priviledge and a big ego). I felt gulity-- also because there was genuine feelings involved.

Welcome to my world, Bredon.

I'm a guy, and 6'2". My partners have all been female and much, much smaller and physically weaker than I am. And I don't play outside committed relationships, so "genuine feelings" have always been present.

My Dad did a real good job imparting the message that only a bully messes with someone who's smaller and weaker than he is. Taking advantage of those with a physically significant relative disadvantage is something you do *not* do. It's like shooting an unarmed man. There is no honor or victory in such an encounter. It's just not fair play.

Something else my Dad firmly believed in was the idea that lashing out in anger or frustration represents a loss of personal control that is not acceptable. It's okay to be angry, but it is *not* okay to take out your anger on other people. Calm down, get yourself under control, and then deal with the source of the anger.

In your thread on Dom Guilt, Bredon, you asked me how I overcame the mental hurdle that guilt represents. One of the things I mentioned was that I establish clear boundaries that I do not permit myself to cross. And one of the rules I set for myself is: Anger and pain play are an unacceptable combination.

This is one of the compromises I make with myself in order to accept sadism as a legitimate expression of my personal sexuality.

 

[St_George]

Interesting...

For several years in my youth I had problems with 'anger management', and eventually discovered that it is often far more effective to take that anger out in some physical manner on something inanimate - using a punch bag, throwing a tennis ball as hard as I can against a wall - that sort of thing. It gets the anger out of one's system and allows one to approach the situation in a calm manner, thus avoiding those nasty moments when one does something in the heat of the moment which comes back and bites you in the arse.
If we postulate that a sub is not going to fight back it could be an even more effective means of letting that anger out of one's system, given the very human nature of the object one is hitting.
However, personally I would feel sceptical about the advisabiltity of doing so, just in case one inflicts more damage than intended (I broke a window once cos I threw a cricket ball at the wall and missed, for example). In terms of the original post, I would have thought that being hurt or offenced mid-scene would probably destroy my mood, making me less interested in the scene and more interested in having a flaming row.

 

[Netzach]

Its very interesting to read all your replies-- thank you

Netzach-- *slaps head*(Bredon's head )-- thank you for pointing that out. You are right-- it's a gender thingytoo-- I have *no* problem whatsoever to vent my general anger at guys-- and express that phsically too. Where I became squeamish (word?) was when I was involved with a tiny non-transitioned transboy. It felt like lashing out at a woman (in the sense that ze wasn't a muscular guy with lots of male priviledge and a big ego). I felt gulity-- also because there was genuine feelings involved.

But isn't that interesting?

My new theory --

Inside every muscled 40something middle class whiteboy is a little defenseless pre-op trans still-mostly-girl, am I still going to beat on her?

I've made the uncryable cry. And not in a fun way. It's still important to check yourself.

 

[Netzach]

I would have thought that being hurt or offenced mid-scene would probably destroy my mood, making me less interested in the scene and more interested in having a flaming row.

This is a nice built in thing. When a submissive angers me, I've found that denial of presence/attention is key. I like having other people nearby-- if I ever need to turn to someone else and say "please uncuff this person for me." and leave prematurely with reason, I can do that.

 

[Stricter]

Punishment & anger: Considered together

I won't try to generalize.

My own experience is that anger can be used to a positive advantage that is creative and effective.

I find that it involves that old cliche, suspense. That sense of "wait until I get you home, young lady."

Those are words I love to whisper in her ear in the back of a taxicab.

But when true punishment is to be administered the simple word I use is, "Later." As in: "I'll see to you later."

Later is for me to determine. It ranges, typically, from five minutes to five hours.

Suspense certainly concentrates her mind. And in those rare instances when I do punish her, it allows me time to reflect (sometimes perversely, I'll admit) but also responsibly and affectionately.

 

[Bredon]

Your posts are always helpful to me, Mohegan, thanks you dad sounds like a sensible man.

Bredon

Welcome to my world, Bredon.

I'm a guy, and 6'2". My partners have all been female and much, much smaller and physically weaker than I am. And I don't play outside committed relationships, so "genuine feelings" have always been present.

My Dad did a real good job imparting the message that only a bully messes with someone who's smaller and weaker than he is. Taking advantage of those with a physically significant relative disadvantage is something you do *not* do. It's like shooting an unarmed man. There is no honor or victory in such an encounter. It's just not fair play.

Something else my Dad firmly believed in was the idea that lashing out in anger or frustration represents a loss of personal control that is not acceptable. It's okay to be angry, but it is *not* okay to take out your anger on other people. Calm down, get yourself under control, and then deal with the source of the anger.

In your thread on Dom Guilt, Bredon, you asked me how I overcame the mental hurdle that guilt represents. One of the things I mentioned was that I establish clear boundaries that I do not permit myself to cross. And one of the rules I set for myself is: Anger and pain play are an unacceptable combination.

This is one of the compromises I make with myself in order to accept sadism as a legitimate expression of my personal sexuality.

 

[Bredon]

But isn't that interesting?

My new theory --

Inside every muscled 40something middle class whiteboy is a little defenseless pre-op trans still-mostly-girl, am I still going to beat on her?

I've made the uncryable cry. And not in a fun way. It's still important to check yourself.

Interesting indeed--
I have a fetish for crying men--

Bredon

 

[Bredon]

I like the idea to play out the anger in a slightly mocking way-- maybe that hepls to get emotional control by acting out symolically--

But I have come to think now that what really happened was that I didn't respect my own boundaries-- ze hurt and angered me and I didn't tell-- I had this idea that I shouldn't interrupt the scene, and I was reluctant to be honest about my feelings-- meaning, I didn't give myself what I needed,and that would have been a chance to express how I felt and be seen in that (on a relationship level). I needed to be "me" and not "dom me" in that moment--

I hope I have learned my lesson
Bredon

I won't try to generalize.

My own experience is that anger can be used to a positive advantage that is creative and effective.

I find that it involves that old cliche, suspense. That sense of "wait until I get you home, young lady."

Those are words I love to whisper in her ear in the back of a taxicab.

But when true punishment is to be administered the simple word I use is, "Later." As in: "I'll see to you later."

Later is for me to determine. It ranges, typically, from five minutes to five hours.

Suspense certainly concentrates her mind. And in those rare instances when I do punish her, it allows me time to reflect (sometimes perversely, I'll admit) but also responsibly and affectionately.

 

[Shankara20]

But isn't that interesting?

My new theory --

Inside every muscled 40something middle class whiteboy is a little defenseless pre-op trans still-mostly-girl, am I still going to beat on her?

errr, what about a 50-60something?


please!

 

[Shankara20]

The skill comes in how fast you realize you're angry and take steps to address that.

I agree.

I have never met anyone that wants to play with my anger, no one asks me to bring it out, to share it around. When I get angry I own it and deal with it as quickly as I can without, hopefully, involving others.

I want to play with passionate people, not angry people.

 

[JMohegan]

Your posts are always helpful to me, Mohegan, thanks you dad sounds like a sensible man.

Bredon

Quite welcome.

 

[Netzach]

errr, what about a 50-60something?


please!

You, mr. panties wear your "girl" a little closer to the surface.

But I don't think she's defenseless.

 

[Shankara20]

You, mr. panties wear your "girl" a little closer to the surface.

But I don't think she's defenseless.

point made

twice...

 

[momma1968]

just to add my thoughts here
when my DD is angry with me he witholds everything and for me thats way worse then a beating and healing time
even for an hour of being completely ignored is extremely hard for this sub
when he does this punishment i know ive really ticked him off