And it is with great trepidation ...

[RaoulDuke1971]

... that I offer my first two stories up for feedback [ducks and covers]

http://www.literotica.com/s/honest-its-not-what-it-looks-like

Is a true story, with only the names changed to protect the guilty fuckers

and
http://www.literotica.com/s/the-princess-and-the-sailor

was because I'd read Hansel and Gretel by Neil Gaiman to my lover via Skype and she wanted a true fairy story.

 

[lovecraft68]

I read the first one, it was a fun story and one I can relate to from a similar experience, it flowed well and I'm glad you spared the details of the sex, it was in humor and the erotica would have taken from that.

 

[RaoulDuke1971]

Many thanks! It was almost as much fun (if slightly less embarrassing) to write it up as it was to experience it.

They're both fairly quick reads ...

 

[Bramblethorn]

#1: very entertaining. Minor nitpick, "discrete" = "separate" (things that don't touch/overlap), the word you want there is "discreet".

I was a bit concerned about putting somebody hog-tied and gagged in the boot of a car - four minutes is enough to get in serious trouble - but if your lady friend was willing to take that risk, that's her business. I gave it a 5, there aren't nearly enough funny bondage stories here.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

#1: very entertaining. Minor nitpick, "discrete" = "separate" (things that don't touch/overlap), the word you want there is "discreet".

I was a bit concerned about putting somebody hog-tied and gagged in the boot of a car - four minutes is enough to get in serious trouble - but if your lady friend was willing to take that risk, that's her business. I gave it a 5, there aren't nearly enough funny bondage stories here.

fuck me, i never knew the difference!

thanks for that.

 

[litmlove]

- Congratulations for writing your first stories. As far as first stories go you are not bad.

- I'm writing my notes as I read "Honest, It's not...".

- "Trepidation"? You should never be ashamed for critically examining your work. Since your story is complete, now is the time to reintroduce and embrace your own hateful internal editor (you know the part of you which says everything you do is shit and generally gets in the way of you being creative). Repeat after me: "OK inner-cynic, this is your time to shine. Let's begin a constructive critique in my pursuit of excellence".

- I admit it's an interesting first sentence. I didn't like the rambling until I got to the strong comic-kick at the end of the sentence.

- You need an editor. Ask one of the volunteer editors on these forum.

- Your story doesn't make much sense because of how you skipped around.

- As far as your story being funny, well I'm sorry but it's not, maybe a little amusing. I understand you were trying to tell a real story, but suppose you were to introduce a little , err, "comic license". Then you should develop these aspects:

Perspective - Perspective is paramount in humour. You could have just as easily wrote the same story to be sensual, erotic and teasing (i.e. a BDSM story). Instead you correctly began your story with a strong comical perspective of an English Gentleman being in an awkward situation (being asked to do a fake kidnapping), but as the story continues you completely lose focus. In the end it sounds more like an actual rapist's misadventure story which isn't funny at all (maybe erotic if that is your kink, but you weren't erotic at all). A gentleman compelled to spank his Lady against his wishes is funny, a regular person hitting a woman is not funny.

Exaggeration - I can't stress this point enough. Your character needs to be the extreme version of whatever they are. He isn't just any genteel man, he should have been the ultimate upper-class-stiff whom does not engage in tawdry public shenanigans. He shouldn't just be any law-abiding citizen, he should have been anxious merely about impeding public egress while he commits the fake kidnapping.

Flaws - It's not funny to laugh at normal people, it's mean spirited. This is a follow-on problem from losing focus on your comic perspective (so it is clear this character is not entirely normal) and your lack of exaggeration. Maybe your character is non-violent to the extreme (ie. a phobia)? Maybe he is super selfish: going home to watch TV at her expense. Maybe he is super clumsy and screws everything up like Inspector Clouseau from the Pink Panther.

Human - After making a character exaggerated, flawed, and with a strange fantasy perspective of reality, your character still needs to be likeable. I think this is the one aspect you didn't screw up (except for the section complaining about the Mrs going to become an Ex).

- Awful closing. Is that what your story was all about: how often fake-kidnappings happen and exclusivity? It would be better to end the story with the line from the Policeman only because of how casual the line sounds in comparison to everything else.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

fuck me, i never knew the difference!

thanks for that.

The story of your miserable cunt life.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Tastes differ. I think I enjoyed it more as an unembellished true-ish story than I would've as a caricature, and I appreciated that both participants were equally willing.

 

[litmlove]

Tastes differ. I think I enjoyed it more as an unembellished true-ish story than I would've as a caricature, and I appreciated that both participants were equally willing.

Sure, but to me it read as "here is a potentially farcical situation" and then he didn't deliver. In fact he actively skipped through the interesting parts of the story. And I am not saying it's only comic characters which make humour, it's just what I thought RaoulDuke1971 was trying to write.

There is nothing funny about the setting (Kafka's Metamorphis where a normal guy is caught up in a strange situation), but the character did seem to be a strained (eg. A George Costanza character from Seinfeld where a strange character makes a situation absurd).

 

[RaoulDuke1971]

Actually it's more or less the way I have told the anecdote a dozen times. It wasn't a conscious effort to write something funny - it's a humourous (and only humourous) relaying of what actually happened.

i wasn't trying to craft a comic masterpiece, but when I do, I'll be aware of your feedback.

Was it farce? No. It was real life. It was everyman (if slightly kinky) who is dating everywoman (ditto). He thinks he's planned for every eventuality, but realises he's fucked up. He fixes it, but in the process fucks up again. And the payback comes after he thinks he's gotten away with it. I wasn't looking to write 'Carry On Kidnapping'. Although ...

Yes, I can see that if I'd gone for it, I could have created an inverted Harry Flashman.

When you say that the story skipped around ... I'm not sure what you mean. It follows a conventional, sequential progression.

"It's not funny to laugh at normal people, it's mean spirited."
Not sure that I agree, especially when the person I'm poking fun at is me (i.e. the narrator)

Point most definitely taken about the close. It should have ended with the policeman's payoff line and left it hanging there. That's just my natural instinct to get the last word in.