geronimo_appleby
always on the move
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- Nov 25, 2004
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Anal Analysis is up if there are any comments.
Anal
- Thread starter geronimo_appleby
- Start date
Flashlight7.5
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2000
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- 201
Good base
You have a good base here, but this could be a great story with some edits. Some of the paragraphs are awkward. The first one stumbles, and that's a potential death sentence for many readers and editors.
"Charlotte's expression was in step with her hesitation as she smiled weakly at the receptionist. Was this woman passing judgment? Charlotte worried. After all, this man specialised in sexual problems, so of course the receptionist would know that. How much detail was the woman privy to?"
The first sentence needs some more punch. A weak smile shows her hesitation, but is there something else you can give us? Another gesture or thought to make us think that she may leave the office in the next sentence if her hesitation gets the best of her?
I'm not sure how you meant the second sentence to be read. Is it two separate sentences? Or is it "Charlotte worried that this woman was passing judgement on her?"
The last sentence, if you want to be grammatically correct, should read, "To how much detail was the woman privy?"
But that's clunky, too. Maybe "How much did this woman know?" would be better.
You have a good ending, and you stay away from a clichéd tryst with your main character and the doctor. I like that. Your paragraphs just need some polishing.
You have a good base here, but this could be a great story with some edits. Some of the paragraphs are awkward. The first one stumbles, and that's a potential death sentence for many readers and editors.
"Charlotte's expression was in step with her hesitation as she smiled weakly at the receptionist. Was this woman passing judgment? Charlotte worried. After all, this man specialised in sexual problems, so of course the receptionist would know that. How much detail was the woman privy to?"
The first sentence needs some more punch. A weak smile shows her hesitation, but is there something else you can give us? Another gesture or thought to make us think that she may leave the office in the next sentence if her hesitation gets the best of her?
I'm not sure how you meant the second sentence to be read. Is it two separate sentences? Or is it "Charlotte worried that this woman was passing judgement on her?"
The last sentence, if you want to be grammatically correct, should read, "To how much detail was the woman privy?"
But that's clunky, too. Maybe "How much did this woman know?" would be better.
You have a good ending, and you stay away from a clichéd tryst with your main character and the doctor. I like that. Your paragraphs just need some polishing.
