I've had kinky fantasies since I was a young kid, and I spent most of my life deeply ashamed of them. But I loosened up a lot in this last year and came to understand that being unusual is a huge part of who I am, and the thing that people usually end up liking me for.
So I decided to schedule a session with a pro-domme and explore some of these things without all the judgement. I was petrified as I sat in that dark, elegant room waiting to see her for the very first time. And she was unbelievably beautiful and arrogant in a way that just seemed inappropriate. She had the bearing of a countess and the intensity of a flamenco dancer.
The session was liberating. It smashed me and left me obsessed for a week (I just couldn't stop replaying pieces of it in my mind). I saw her every week after that for these last two months, and I've turned into another person. She unlocked places within me that I was terrified of, and she showed me how powerful I actually am -- But perhaps that was the problem.
It seemed that we were moving off track somehow, and I just couldn't place what was happening. She knew that I loved the single tail; and in one session, she laid her whips across the leather table top and asked me to choose the one I'd want her to use if I was going to beg her for mercy. I was startled by the question (since I couldn't imagine myself "begging" for anything). But I saw that one was made of heavier leather and had a hard knot tied in the end of it. That was the one.
She told me to choose my position, and I walked over to the suspension bar and grabbed onto it with both hands overhead. I began to sink into a state of determination that I'd rather pass out than give up. And she said that crazy thing to me again "Now, I want you to beg me for it." But instead I snapped. I thundered back at her "Hit me!" And I didn't know where the hell it came from. But she obliged. And for the next ten minutes she poured it on as hard as she could while I shouted her down and told her exactly how I expected it to be done. Some of the marks are still with me.
We had another session where the same thing happened. Although I relished it and felt invincible, I also felt like the sessions were losing my interest. And I finally figured out last night what was happening. I'm a hardcore massochist, but I'm just not interested in being submissive to anyone.
I've become obsessed lately with the artistry and the beauty of the whip. I ordered a custom 16 plait whip last week that I'm eagerly waiting on. And I'm constantly thinking about how I would do things if I were the dominant in a scene. It's turned very quickly into a real passion.
Great! But there are two problems:
1) What do I do about the Lady who opened this world up for me? She doesn't switch and she's not a sub. For whatever reason, I don't want to continue sessioning with her. Its like we had a certain kind of energy that was just abruptly broken. I really admire her, but it just doesn't "feel" the same. And I want to end this in a way that conveys both my appreciation and respect. I feel guilty.
2) I have a belief that I'll never be a good top unless I work up to it from the bottom. I'm not interested in submission, but I wonder if I should get into role and do it anyway for the experience. How exactly should I develop this part of me? How do you start with no experience and learn to become a creative, engaging dominant?
So I decided to schedule a session with a pro-domme and explore some of these things without all the judgement. I was petrified as I sat in that dark, elegant room waiting to see her for the very first time. And she was unbelievably beautiful and arrogant in a way that just seemed inappropriate. She had the bearing of a countess and the intensity of a flamenco dancer.
The session was liberating. It smashed me and left me obsessed for a week (I just couldn't stop replaying pieces of it in my mind). I saw her every week after that for these last two months, and I've turned into another person. She unlocked places within me that I was terrified of, and she showed me how powerful I actually am -- But perhaps that was the problem.
It seemed that we were moving off track somehow, and I just couldn't place what was happening. She knew that I loved the single tail; and in one session, she laid her whips across the leather table top and asked me to choose the one I'd want her to use if I was going to beg her for mercy. I was startled by the question (since I couldn't imagine myself "begging" for anything). But I saw that one was made of heavier leather and had a hard knot tied in the end of it. That was the one.
She told me to choose my position, and I walked over to the suspension bar and grabbed onto it with both hands overhead. I began to sink into a state of determination that I'd rather pass out than give up. And she said that crazy thing to me again "Now, I want you to beg me for it." But instead I snapped. I thundered back at her "Hit me!" And I didn't know where the hell it came from. But she obliged. And for the next ten minutes she poured it on as hard as she could while I shouted her down and told her exactly how I expected it to be done. Some of the marks are still with me.
We had another session where the same thing happened. Although I relished it and felt invincible, I also felt like the sessions were losing my interest. And I finally figured out last night what was happening. I'm a hardcore massochist, but I'm just not interested in being submissive to anyone.
I've become obsessed lately with the artistry and the beauty of the whip. I ordered a custom 16 plait whip last week that I'm eagerly waiting on. And I'm constantly thinking about how I would do things if I were the dominant in a scene. It's turned very quickly into a real passion.
Great! But there are two problems:
1) What do I do about the Lady who opened this world up for me? She doesn't switch and she's not a sub. For whatever reason, I don't want to continue sessioning with her. Its like we had a certain kind of energy that was just abruptly broken. I really admire her, but it just doesn't "feel" the same. And I want to end this in a way that conveys both my appreciation and respect. I feel guilty.
2) I have a belief that I'll never be a good top unless I work up to it from the bottom. I'm not interested in submission, but I wonder if I should get into role and do it anyway for the experience. How exactly should I develop this part of me? How do you start with no experience and learn to become a creative, engaging dominant?
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