an offering from my wife

[pete2002]

I lay here thinking of you
Wanting you
needing you

I lay here with you in my head
Wishing you were next to me
touching me
kissing me
feeling my heartbeat

I want to taste your lips
feel your hardness against me
feel your breath upon my neck
hear you whisper those words

I want us to become one
our bodies moving slowly together
the scent of love in the air
the feel of your strong arms as you lift yourself in and out of me

I want to hear you moan as you fill me
feeling your body quiver
watching your face as things intensify
Pounding me harder and harder
till i scream with delight

you moan louder as you lose control
filling me full
feeling your body relax with pleasure
my body still but my heart racing

we would lay close to each other
our bodies start to calm
but the want is still strong
Did this just happen
Or was it just a dream

 

[OT]

If it was written for you, to you, then you are a lucky man.

If it was written as a poem for public consumption, then it needs some work.

It just doesn't make for a very interesting read for someone "not involved" with the writer.

 

[pete2002]

I am! involved with the writer!

 

[Maria2394]

involved

I think OT might have meant people OTHER than you, since you are obviously involved with the writer//correct me if I am wrong

 

[Rybka]

I lay here thinking of you
Wanting you
needing you

I lay here with you in my head
Wishing you were next to me
touching me
kissing me
feeling my heartbeat

I want to taste your lips
feel your hardness againt me
feel your breath apon my neck
hear you whisper those words

I want us to become one
our bodies moving slowly together
the scent of love in the air
the feel of your strong arms as you lift yourself in and out of me

I want to hear you moan as you fill me
feeling your body quiver
watching your face as things intense
Pounding me harder and harder
till i scream with delight

you moan louder as you lose control
filling me full
feeling your body relax with pleasure
my body still but my heart racing

we would lay close to each orther
our bodies start to calm
but the want is still strong
Did this just happen
Or was it just a dream

Besides the obvious mistakes like "againt", "apon", "orther" and "i", there are other grammatical errors i.e. "I lay here", "as things intense", and structural inconsistencies including line capitalization. When you fix such glaring errors, and if you wish suggestions for making the poem interesting to others, you can PM me. I do not make subjective comments on this forum anymore because of the ire that they tend to create.


Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: an offering from my wife

Besides the obvious mistakes like "againt", "apon", "orther" and "i", there are other grammatical errors i.e. "I lay here", "as things intense", and structural inconsistencies including line capitalization. When you fix such glaring errors, and if you wish suggestions for making the poem interesting to others, you can PM me. I do not make subjective comments on this forum anymore because of the ire that they tend to create.


Regards,                                 Rybka

I'm sorry you are keeping your suggestions private because we all used to benefit from your ideas and insight.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

That is really pissing me off, Rybka. This is the Poetry Feedback & Discussion Forum, whose main purpose is to offer feedback and discuss poetry, openly. You know perfectly well that most times it's not even the writer whose work's being criticized that benefits the most from a critique.

On a side note, if you don't want to make subjective comments, that's fine and praiseworthy, but what do subjective comments have to do with giving a honest critique?

 

[darkmaas]

Pissing on Fish

darkmaas only wishes his glass was half as full of whiskey as Pete's wife is full of ... oh nevermind.

Lauren and Rybka: Play nice now. (But Lauren's right as usual: she has a gun)

 

[WickedEve]

Fish, offer your comments! If a "poet" (not necessarily talking about you pete) doesn't like it, then tough. Too many fragile egos around here, anyway. It's only a poem. Not every word that comes out of a poet is going to be great. Jeez... you guys should be where I am now. Tough ass board has me back at square one. But at least, I now see that most of what I wrote in the past is crap. But I accept that and learn from it. Anyway, if your feedback is honest and constructive, then go for it.

 

[Rybka]

Dang! I can't win.

I get yelled at when I criticize crap and bitched at when I don't!

Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[Guest]

Re: Dang! I can't win.

I get yelled at when I criticize crap and bitched at when I don't!

Regards,                                 Rybka

No criticism from me, just a wistful observation.

 

[Maria2394]

poor rybka

you must be an aries

 

[Rybka]

Re: poor rybka

you must be an aries

No, I am actually a Gemini.

Re online criticism: Another reason that I do not offer much beyond speiling and grammer cornections in open forum is because I work in Word, and it is too much effort to transpose a doc. file into something that will make sense on this board. If I do it offline than I can e-mail it (Hopefully). - I have one ready for TheObserver if I ever get an e-mail address.

Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Hmm... Ever tried copy/paste?

I find that the easiest method.

 

[Rybka]

Hmm... Ever tried copy/paste?

I find that the easiest method.

Not if you use different colors, spacings, fonts and sizes, etc. It takes much longer to import "advanced" Word functions than I am willing to spend when I can e-mail the file itself. - Suppose we had tried to do "Transitions" on this board? You would never have to paint your nails again, since your fingers would be worn down to the knuckles!

Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[pete2002]

Oh dear Rybka,You missed your grammar check out!
Spot the two mistakes in this one sentence!


If I do it offline than I can e-mail it (Hopefully). - I have one ready for TheObserver

Yours affectionately,Pete.

 

[Rybka]

Oh dear Rybka,You missed your grammar check out!
Spot the two mistakes in this one sentence!

If I do it offline than I can e-mail it (Hopefully). - I have one ready for TheObserver

Yours affectionately,Pete.

Good for you Pete! Now learn to understand purposefull mockery. - But what is the second error? If I made two then I must own up to one that I still don't see.

Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[Angeline]

We can be honest

and still be neutral. My only complaint about negative feedback is when it becomes nasty negative feedback. I've said it before and I'll say it like a broken record again:

There is an unnecessary difference between:

1. You are explaining instead of using an image in line 2. Try something like . . .

AND

2. Your line is shit because you didn't use an image in line 2, you idiot! Come back when you learn how to write.

I'm not saying that anyone says that: only that if the purpose is to help someone improve, be honest but edit your critique to get the pissy, personal stuff out. (Not you, Rybby , but anybody--me included. On a sidenote, if I think a poem is so utterly awful that I'm gnashing my teeth and know I can't be neutral, I just don't review it. Mostly, though I don't review poems here because these two people who live with me need homework checked, etc. every night )

Honest but neutal feedback is reasonable and in the best interest of helping people. (Actually, we're incredibly nice here. I've been on a few poetry boards where the Iron Maiden is part of the critique, lol.)

And Rybka my birthday was 5/31--was that yours, too, fellow Gem?

 

[WickedEve]

Re: We can be honest

I did mention honest feedback, but I also said constructive. There's no point if it's not.
And I believe that even really bad poetry needs feedback if the poet has any hope of learning. It's not always pleasant for a writer to hear what's wrong with his poem, but eventually most poets are grateful when they start to write better.
Well, now that I think about it, some poets really don't want feedback but only praise. They have no interest in improving. Those poems are best to skip over. I think the majority of lit poets simply want to see their work on the site and most of the time it's dedicated to a loved one. Other than that, they rarely write a poem. So why crit them?
Anyway, it's early and I'm breaking my "don't post first thing in the morning" rule.