An Honest Question

[sally_sparrow]

After a few years of unknowing, I've finally (and not surprisingly) been diagnosed with MS. I've been out of the BDSM loop for over 10 years but have slowly eased my way back in knowing that it is a part of my life that I need fulfilled.

I have a very open dialogue with my Dom about it and he has asked me a ton of questions to make sure he understands how it affects me but I'm still nervous that something will happen to cause a problem. My main symptoms are forgetfulness, sometimes being unable to get my thoughts out verbally, and sometimes seeming like a total space cadet. All things I know can be upsetting when rules and control are main players.

His main concern is issuing punishment when it isn't warranted as me merely misbehaving. Ultimately, there isn't an easy way for him to know whether it's genuinely me trying and not being able to do what he asks, or if I'm being sassy.

Are there any Doms or subs who have experienced this, or does anyone have any thoughts, words of encouragement, or advice? I've considered leaving the D/s world but it truly feels like an empty void without it. At this point in time I'm just happy he is willing to work with me because I've talked to a few in the past who dropped off the face of the Earth after I've told them.

Thanks everyone, have a beautiful day

 

[Shelly2inme]

Change with change

Sorry about your health problems and the complications that your health brings into your sex life. For all of us basic things in our lives will change. It is part of life. Being single - then being married - then being a mom - then seeing my son move out and get married - those are all changes in life. At each turn it is time for us to make changes too. The things you enjoyed in past may not work now. And as your illness progresses they may not work at all. But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy other things in life. You feel a void when what you are familiar with seems missing. Nature abhors a vacuum. But you are not helpless. It is your life and you are in the drives seat when it comes to many aspects of your life. Why not think of new ways to fill the void with things that work with your new situation. I hope that things work out for you. When our son moved out my husband and I did feel like a major change had taken place and their was an emptiness. So, we started to explore our sex life and that has lead to some very rewarding things that a few years ago I would not have believed we would ever do. There are lots of us on Literotica that would be glad to PM with you as you explore new concepts for your future.

 

[MistressOfAlaok]

I am really sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I wish you all the best in that department. And of course the BDSM department...

For a while I was constantly having panick and anxiety attacks. Punishment was horrible, for the fact my foggy, crazy mind could not deal with all the thoughts I would involuntatily get. My rational mind would know that my Dom was just "punishing" me because he felt like it, or that if I actually needed it, it would be done and over with and no need to feel bad about it as such. My irrational mind would want to turn to selfharm because I would feel so guilty for "deserving the punishment". We tried scratching any form of discipline, but that was just not his style. We tried sugarcoating everything, but that became frustrating for me.
As this was online, we ended up using different emoticons to hint at my "ability" to play with punishments. They blended in very naturally with the conversations, without dampening the mood when I had to use the "hold on, I cant" ones. Much like a safeword, in my opinion just a little more subtle.

As it is always best to focus on the positive, maybe you guys can develop a "sign" to show you are being sassy. Depending on your format of interaction, it could be a gesture, touch, words or anything else... You will have to be honest with him and he has to trust you, but hopefully that is already part of your relationship!

 

[LeinadVirgo]

If it was me, I would turn that into part of the fun. Requiring you to explain why you did what you did and ask to be punished for it. Not all dom(me)s would enjoy it, but it can add a layer of anticipation which can be delicious to inflict on the sub.

 

[LeinadVirgo]

As it is always best to focus on the positive, maybe you guys can develop a "sign" to show you are being sassy. Depending on your format of interaction, it could be a gesture, touch, words or anything else... You will have to be honest with him and he has to trust you, but hopefully that is already part of your relationship!

I agree with MistressOfAlaok post. Having a consistent way to show you are in the moment. Maybe ittakes just enough effort you won't do it normally; looking him in the eye and slowly blink maybe all it takes.

 

[sally_sparrow]

I am really sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I wish you all the best in that department. And of course the BDSM department...

For a while I was constantly having panick and anxiety attacks. Punishment was horrible, for the fact my foggy, crazy mind could not deal with all the thoughts I would involuntatily get. My rational mind would know that my Dom was just "punishing" me because he felt like it, or that if I actually needed it, it would be done and over with and no need to feel bad about it as such. My irrational mind would want to turn to selfharm because I would feel so guilty for "deserving the punishment". We tried scratching any form of discipline, but that was just not his style. We tried sugarcoating everything, but that became frustrating for me.
As this was online, we ended up using different emoticons to hint at my "ability" to play with punishments. They blended in very naturally with the conversations, without dampening the mood when I had to use the "hold on, I cant" ones. Much like a safeword, in my opinion just a little more subtle.

As it is always best to focus on the positive, maybe you guys can develop a "sign" to show you are being sassy. Depending on your format of interaction, it could be a gesture, touch, words or anything else... You will have to be honest with him and he has to trust you, but hopefully that is already part of your relationship!

We trust each other and I like this idea. I am going to talk to him about this. Thank you so much.

 

[sally_sparrow]

If it was me, I would turn that into part of the fun. Requiring you to explain why you did what you did and ask to be punished for it. Not all dom(me)s would enjoy it, but it can add a layer of anticipation which can be delicious to inflict on the sub.

I like this. I think he would be into this as well. He's pretty open-minded and in am going to talk to him about the possibility. Thank you for the suggestion. I'd rather make it fun rather than a constant caution.

 

[LeinadVirgo]

I like this. I think he would be into this as well. He's pretty open-minded and in am going to talk to him about the possibility. Thank you for the suggestion. I'd rather make it fun rather than a constant caution.

I'm happy to help anytime

 

[AlwaysFara]

I’m sorry about your diagnosis, and I’m happy you are both communicating. I have no advice, except, take it day by day. Check back with us.

 

[sally_sparrow]

I’m sorry about your diagnosis, and I’m happy you are both communicating. I have no advice, except, take it day by day. Check back with us.

Thank you! I am happy to be able to ask this here. The support is truly appreciated.

 

[QuasiSemiDemiEsqueIsh]

After a few years of unknowing, I've finally (and not surprisingly) been diagnosed with MS. I've been out of the BDSM loop for over 10 years but have slowly eased my way back in knowing that it is a part of my life that I need fulfilled.

I have a very open dialogue with my Dom about it and he has asked me a ton of questions to make sure he understands how it affects me but I'm still nervous that something will happen to cause a problem. My main symptoms are forgetfulness, sometimes being unable to get my thoughts out verbally, and sometimes seeming like a total space cadet. All things I know can be upsetting when rules and control are main players.

His main concern is issuing punishment when it isn't warranted as me merely misbehaving. Ultimately, there isn't an easy way for him to know whether it's genuinely me trying and not being able to do what he asks, or if I'm being sassy.

Are there any Doms or subs who have experienced this, or does anyone have any thoughts, words of encouragement, or advice? I've considered leaving the D/s world but it truly feels like an empty void without it. At this point in time I'm just happy he is willing to work with me because I've talked to a few in the past who dropped off the face of the Earth after I've told them.

Thanks everyone, have a beautiful day

Hi! First off, I love your username.

I can somewhat relate to your situation. I have c-ptsd, and one of my more annoying symptoms is spacing out and forgetting what my partners have told me to do. We’ve found that it helps to write it down or text it to me and to set reminders on my phone.

It happens more often with my nesting partner, because we live together. He relies on me to be honest about it. If I know that I did remember and just put it off or that I had time to do it but chose not to, I’ll tell him that or write it in my chore book as willful disobedience, and that gets a punishment. If I genuinely forgot or something out of my control kept me from doing it, he gives me more time, does it himself, or whatever else the situation requires—but he doesn’t punish me.

I think it would be a bit premature to leave, personally. It adds some extra challenges, but I think it could be doable if you’re creative and really communicative. I hope you’re able to find some strategies that work well for you.

 

[wicked woman]

Does punishment have to be part of your relationship? I would go back to basics and ask the question. Not talking funishment but punishment. Is there a reason you can't just talk? If he's concerned about your behaviour...or lack of...can he talk to you about it? Have him express his concern, what he dislikes about it? Then you can explain the situation, whether it was intentional or not. Based on your answer you two can come up with an answer how to reduce the occurrence, if intentional, or how to hel, if it wasn't.

Funishment can be a completely different situation.

 

[sally_sparrow]

Hi! First off, I love your username.

I can somewhat relate to your situation. I have c-ptsd, and one of my more annoying symptoms is spacing out and forgetting what my partners have told me to do. We’ve found that it helps to write it down or text it to me and to set reminders on my phone.

It happens more often with my nesting partner, because we live together. He relies on me to be honest about it. If I know that I did remember and just put it off or that I had time to do it but chose not to, I’ll tell him that or write it in my chore book as willful disobedience, and that gets a punishment. If I genuinely forgot or something out of my control kept me from doing it, he gives me more time, does it himself, or whatever else the situation requires—but he doesn’t punish me.

I think it would be a bit premature to leave, personally. It adds some extra challenges, but I think it could be doable if you’re creative and really communicative. I hope you’re able to find some strategies that work well for you.

Thank you <3

I have no intentions of leaving. It took a long time to find him and we are a good match. He's incredibly blunt and open and expects me to be just as open with him. We talked earlier and I saw him this evening and we worked out a system that I think will be good for both of us. Even gave it a test run So far so good. Thanks so much for your response. I'm really grateful to be able to talk about this with others.

 

[sally_sparrow]

Does punishment have to be part of your relationship? I would go back to basics and ask the question. Not talking funishment but punishment. Is there a reason you can't just talk? If he's concerned about your behaviour...or lack of...can he talk to you about it? Have him express his concern, what he dislikes about it? Then you can explain the situation, whether it was intentional or not. Based on your answer you two can come up with an answer how to reduce the occurrence, if intentional, or how to hel, if it wasn't.

Funishment can be a completely different situation.

He definitely listens when I need to talk. We talked about it earlier this afternoon and were able to figure out something that works for us right now. When I asked how he would react if he knew what I was doing (or not) was unintentional, he said he would be very patient with me and we would talk about it together. It lifted the vice from my chest and I feel so much better.

 

[QuasiSemiDemiEsqueIsh]

Thank you <3

I have no intentions of leaving. It took a long time to find him and we are a good match. He's incredibly blunt and open and expects me to be just as open with him. We talked earlier and I saw him this evening and we worked out a system that I think will be good for both of us. Even gave it a test run So far so good. Thanks so much for your response. I'm really grateful to be able to talk about this with others.

Oh, sorry; I wasn’t clear. I was referencing your comment about “leaving the BDSM world,” not necessarily leaving your partner. I should have added the modifier.

I’m glad you’re finding a system that works for you!

 

[Sheana_V]

I lack experience with MS explicitly, but I had to navigate some boundaries with a sub who has a dissociative disorder.
There were two things we did a little different. The first was that I was just more careful to keep strong non-verbal communication with her. The second was we had a non-verbal "is it safe" touch which she would respond to physically. We practiced the second one enough that it usually went through any depersonalization she was having.

 

[Jada59]

I agree with MistressOfAlaok post. Having a consistent way to show you are in the moment. Maybe ittakes just enough effort you won't do it normally; looking him in the eye and slowly blink maybe all it takes.

Agree. I would just laugh and say that I was being sassy!

 

[sally_sparrow]

I lack experience with MS explicitly, but I had to navigate some boundaries with a sub who has a dissociative disorder.
There were two things we did a little different. The first was that I was just more careful to keep strong non-verbal communication with her. The second was we had a non-verbal "is it safe" touch which she would respond to physically. We practiced the second one enough that it usually went through any depersonalization she was having.

We talked yesterday and have established something similar. I appreciate your suggestion!

 

[sally_sparrow]

Since I've revealed my medical issue I've been burned pretty hard. I feel like now I should just not say anything because when I do, people run. I've always felt that disclosing things that are important are just that. People seriously suck. Feeling rather emotional presently. I've always been very upfront about myself but am not sure if this is the right way to go now. Why are people such assholes?

 

[Knoturnal]

Since I've revealed my medical issue I've been burned pretty hard. I feel like now I should just not say anything because when I do, people run. I've always felt that disclosing things that are important are just that. People seriously suck. Feeling rather emotional presently. I've always been very upfront about myself but am not sure if this is the right way to go now. Why are people such assholes?

im sure you'll find there are a lot of assholes everywhere. most don't want to deal with others problems usually they don't ever deal with their own.

I for one thing you are very brave to speak up about any problems you have. it shows guts and promise within this world of pathetic human beings.

if you ever need anyone to talk to, shout at , or whatever let me know.

 

[sally_sparrow]

im sure you'll find there are a lot of assholes everywhere. most don't want to deal with others problems usually they don't ever deal with their own.

I for one thing you are very brave to speak up about any problems you have. it shows guts and promise within this world of pathetic human beings.

if you ever need anyone to talk to, shout at , or whatever let me know.

Thank you. I know they are everywhere. It's so disappointing.

 

[MistressOfAlaok]

As horrible as it feels to be disappointed, let down, or anything else negative, when you open up about issues, it's important you do.
You'll only end up hurting yourself in the long run if you don't speak up. If you tell someone about an issue and they choose to ignore it, don't want to spend time with you because of it or don't treat you properly, they are the ones who have a true "issue" and are not worthy of your time and efforts.
It isn't nice when they run, but just think, better they run and not waste anymore of your energy, than them dragging it on without the proper care for your (emotional) needs.
Just remember, not everyone sucks!

 

[Vixandra]

I have fibromyalgia and it can have similar impacts to MS some days. I am so sorry he ran away scared of a part of you. That’s so cowardly, if he couldn’t handle things, he shouldn’t have led you on.

 

[Jada59]

I have fibromyalgia and it can have similar impacts to MS some days. I am so sorry he ran away scared of a part of you. That’s so cowardly, if he couldn’t handle things, he shouldn’t have led you on.

Agree I have Fibro too. If you were to see me sitting down, you might not notice anything wrong. But when I get up to walk, my muscles can stiffen up and I don't walk normally. People always want to hear a story of a hideous accident or some such thing. They never want to hear about a medical condition.

 

[surrenderedfaith]

I just ran across this thread, Sally, I'm so glad that you did decide to be open and honest about medical things. Yes, people can decide to up and leave because of it, and it does hurt, but you made the right decision.
I am glad that he decided to stay and help you work through it. That takes a strong man, as much as you were a strong woman for saying it.

I wanted to address one thing though, unrelated to the specific situation, but related to the general concept... you are right to disclose, especially if it is something that could A) affect the dynamic or B) affect you in the longrun.
A partner of any type has the right to be aware of those things. The people who ran, though we may think it cowardly, it was actually well within their rights. Why? Because as much as we, as subs, get attached to our Doms they get attached to us too. It may well be that these people knew this all too well and did not want to face the knowledge that they may have to face a loss they were not prepared for. Yes, we all pass along in the end, but it is another matter entirely to know that someone you love has less time than you would have liked. The only time I cry foul is when someone promised to BE THERE, you counted on them to actually see it through, and then they up and adios. That is a jerk move.

Please let us know how you are getting on, and I hope with all my heart that you two have lots of wonderful joyful fulfilling time together with every day better and closer than the last.

If you ever need or want to talk, my inbox is open.
~Faith.