An honest question about being non-binary

[AG31]

I'm a female who came to Literotica around four years ago, having experienced, among other things, a late life enhanced appreciation of the difference between the sexes. For most of my life I had a low libido, and then that changed. I developed a greater appreciation for male physicality, including a greater understanding of male desire, I think. (No way to know for sure, of course).

In this age of gender/identity fluidity, I have no problem fitting most gender identities into my celebration of the difference between male and female. Gay people clearly make a distinction between the sexes; they're just drawn to their own. Transgender people clearly make a distinction since they're often willing to turn their lives upside down to live in a way that matches their identity. Where I draw a blank is regarding the sexual activity of non-binary people. I probably could get a pretty good picture if I found the right stories on the story side of Lit, but that would require too much time and effort.

Could someone describe what actual sexual activity is like for non-binary people?

I hope this isn't taken in a bad way. I tend to come across as judgemental or condescending or... or.... But I'm really just wondering.

 

[RoanMtn]

It's a bit recent, but i would identify myself as a sissy. So i suppose that makes me non-binary. For me, sexual activity would be either as a sissy cuckold, or in a relationship with a transgender woman.

 

[ADirtyPerv]

Non-binary people still have fiddly bits, and people they're attracted to. If the person they're attracted to returns the affection, then it's a simple matter of fiddling with the bits until the appropriate mess occurs. I think it boils down to a very personal, individual level, just as coming to the conclusion that you are non-binary is very personal. Not much of a way to broad-brush this one, IMO.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Could someone describe what actual sexual activity is like for non-binary people?

Pretty much the same as everyone else, as a spectrum of sexual preferences, activies, likes, kinks, squicks, etc. Gender and sexuality are separate concepts, and one can influence the other, but it's helpful to think of them as distinct, since any possible combination is possible and likely exists.

 

[SmilingLez]

Non-binary people still have fiddly bits, and people they're attracted to. If the person they're attracted to returns the affection, then it's a simple matter of fiddling with the bits until the appropriate mess occurs. I think it boils down to a very personal, individual level, just as coming to the conclusion that you are non-binary is very personal. Not much of a way to broad-brush this one, IMO.

I've also read author stories, calling them naughty bits and in BDSM stories heavy in humiliation and degradation calling them front hole and rear hole

 

[peregrinecat]

Echoing what others have said in that you'll get a different answer for each non-binary person or each pairing involving a non-binary person. There's a vast range of what activities we enjoy and how we use our parts and how we refer to our parts.

I can only speak to my experience as a non-binary person with female anatomy(*BIG ASTERISK), but I use my parts now the same way I did before I knew I was non-binary, just now I don't have breasts anymore (but plenty of non-binary people who develop breasts keep their breasts!).

If you are curious, all of my stories include at least one non-binary person with my anatomy, but again that will only give you one perspective.



(*BIG ASTERISK): I use this term to refer to my own anatomy, because to me it is a medical/scientific designation in that any animal with the sort of anatomy I have would be designated female, and to me this is not relevant to the fact that I am non-binary. There are MANY transgender and non-binary people who do not use that language and would be very upset/offended if it were used to describe their anatomy.

 

[PennyThompson]

Echoing what others have said in that you'll get a different answer for each non-binary person or each pairing involving a non-binary person. There's a vast range of what activities we enjoy and how we use our parts and how we refer to our parts.

I can only speak to my experience as a non-binary person with female anatomy(*BIG ASTERISK), but I use my parts now the same way I did before I knew I was non-binary, just now I don't have breasts anymore (but plenty of non-binary people who develop breasts keep their breasts!).

If you are curious, all of my stories include at least one non-binary person with my anatomy, but again that will only give you one perspective.



(*BIG ASTERISK): I use this term to refer to my own anatomy, because to me it is a medical/scientific designation in that any animal with the sort of anatomy I have would be designated female, and to me this is not relevant to the fact that I am non-binary. There are MANY transgender and non-binary people who do not use that language and would be very upset/offended if it were used to describe their anatomy.

A good point here is that basically everything involving non-binary experiences come with a big asterisk.

Definitionally, NB simply means "existing outside of the traditional gender binary."

It's a bit like asking, "What is the electromagnetic spectrum like outside of red light and orange light?" The Non-Red/Orange EM Spectrum is vast and varied and goes off in both directions, and a radio wave is very different from an X-ray

 

[anthrodisiac]

A good point here is that basically everything involving non-binary experiences come with a big asterisk.

Definitionally, NB simply means "existing outside of the traditional gender binary."

It's a bit like asking, "What is the electromagnetic spectrum like outside of red light and orange light?" The Non-Red/Orange EM Spectrum is vast and varied and goes off in both directions, and a radio wave is very different from an X-ray

Nerd.

I love it

 

[usable001]

Transgender people clearly make a distinction since they're often willing to turn their lives upside down to live in a way that matches their identity. Where I draw a blank is regarding the sexual activity of non-binary people.

I think what might be adding to the confusion is mixing up a couple concepts. Being cisgender, transgender, or nonbinary is about how you see yourself. There is a second set of labels describing who you are sexually attracted to, and even then, labels are not the greatest at describing individuals.

So you could have a cisgender male who is into women (straight), one who is into men (gay), one who likes both men and women (bisexual), and a fourth cisgender male who likes the whole spectrum (pansexual). Then there's that line from the movie Better Than Chocolate:

You're not bisexual, Carla — you're omnisexual! You're like that tornado in the Wizard of Oz, sweeping up everything in your path.

What applies to cisgender men, like me, also applies to transgender men and transgender women I've known: what people like varies from person to person. By the same token, the one non-binary genderfluid person I actually know is only into cisgender women, but it would be a huge mistake to assume that is true for anyone else.

 

[SmilingLez]

I think what might be adding to the confusion is mixing up a couple concepts. Being cisgender, transgender, or nonbinary is about how you see yourself. There is a second set of labels describing who you are sexually attracted to, and even then, labels are not the greatest at describing individuals.

So you could have a cisgender male who is into women (straight), one who is into men (gay), one who likes both men and women (bisexual), and a fourth cisgender male who likes the whole spectrum (pansexual). Then there's that line from the movie Better Than Chocolate:



By the same token, the one non-binary genderfluid person I actually know is only into cisgender women, but it would be a huge mistake to assume that is true for anyone else.

100%


Bottom line - open communication when you meet someone. There's nothing wrong with asking what pronouns a person identifies with. It isn't a preference (ditto for sexual orientation) so I am not using the word prefer. Some non-binary people use the term enby while others use the term NB while others just say non-binary.

 

[usable001]

Some people get hung up on labels and classification. Is gender-fluid a subset of non-binary or its own thing? Who cares?

 

[usable001]

A bit of trivia I once heard, while I am on the topic...

In Þrymskviða (Þrym's Poem; the name can be anglicized as Thrymskviða, Thrymskvitha, Thrymskvidha or Thrymskvida), Thor disguises himself as Freya, with Loki disguised as a handmaiden, during an attempt to get Thor's missing hammer back from a giant who wants to marry Freya. I can't find where I read this, but I was told that when Thor puts on a dress, the story still uses male pronouns to describe him, whereas when the shapeshifting Loki is in a dress, his pronouns change to her.

 

[redgarters]

A bit of trivia I once heard, while I am on the topic...

In Þrymskviða (Þrym's Poem; the name can be anglicized as Thrymskviða, Thrymskvitha, Thrymskvidha or Thrymskvida), Thor disguises himself as Freya, with Loki disguised as a handmaiden, during an attempt to get Thor's missing hammer back from a giant who wants to marry Freya. I can't find where I read this, but I was told that when Thor puts on a dress, the story still uses male pronouns to describe him, whereas when the shapeshifting Loki is in a dress, his pronouns change to her.

Quite so. It's a bit more lanuage nuanced, but essentially while Loki is in his slave girl costume, he is refered to as "the wise slave girl". He also uses the word "tvö" for the two of them at one point, which refers to two people of different genders (not clear there if he's refering to himself or Þór as a lady, as Þór is already dressed up as Freyja at that point). But definite gender bending going on.

The original text is here if you want to try your luck at old Norse (with modern spelling though, so easy peasy ) https://www.snerpa.is/net/kvaedi/tryms2.htm

 

[BeechLeaf]

Hunh. I pulled out Gordon's Old Norse and tried to read the Þrymskviða, but poetic Norse is too difficult. The sagas are easy enough, but in poetry I'd have to be constantly looking up words (and often grammar). And I'm way out of practice.

 

[redgarters]

Hunh. I pulled out Gordon's Old Norse and tried to read the Þrymskviða, but poetic Norse is too difficult. The sagas are easy enough, but in poetry I'd have to be constantly looking up words (and often grammar). And I'm way out of practice.

Very true. The poetic allegories, specific words and combinations can be tricky, with this one I think it's actually easier to start from modern Icelandic.

 

[AG31]

Non-binary people still have fiddly bits, and people they're attracted to. If the person they're attracted to returns the affection, then it's a simple matter of fiddling with the bits until the appropriate mess occurs. I think it boils down to a very personal, individual level, just as coming to the conclusion that you are non-binary is very personal. Not much of a way to broad-brush this one, IMO.

A question for non-binary people and pan-sexual people. On a spectrum of being attracted to specific fiddly bits, depending on who they're attached to vs being attracted to specific fiddly bits regardless of who they're attached to, where do you find yourselves? Do you have a sense for whether this disposition is common or uncommon among your non-binary or pan-sexual group?

 

[ColtonWrites]

I also have a story up with a non-binary POV character, but I deliberately left their genitalia ambiguous.

It's important to remember the distinctions between gender identity, sexual orientation, and anatomy.

Gender identity - who you are. A non-binary person can have any kind of genitalia, just like any binary person. (*Someone who has non-standard or ambiguous genitalia is often referred to as intersex. An intersex person may identify as transgender, cisgender, binary, nonbinary, some combination of the above, or none of the above.)

Sexual orientation - who you want to fuck. Nonbinary people sometimes struggle here just with finding a good label*, because if you aren't a woman, it can be uncomfortable to continue using the word "lesbian", even if that would fit "anatomically". If you aren't a man, the same for "gay". Identifying as straight can feel weird, too. But the attraction concepts are pretty much the same. If you are into men, you're into men. If you're into women, you're into women. Etc. If you like them all, then good for you.
It's just the words that don't work.

*I have seen nonbinary people use things like sapphic or androsexual to describe their attraction/preferences, but this very much is a case by case basis.

 

[peregrinecat]

A question for non-binary people and pan-sexual people. On a spectrum of being attracted to specific fiddly bits, depending on who they're attached to vs being attracted to specific fiddly bits regardless of who they're attached to, where do you find yourselves? Do you have a sense for whether this disposition is common or uncommon among your non-binary or pan-sexual group?

Funnily enough I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately! I used to think I was mostly into penises and not super into interacting with vulvas/vaginas, but recently I hooked up with someone I was really, really into who happened to have a vulva/vagina and I realized I was actually enthusiastic about interacting with theirs, and not just "willing" like I was with a previous partner.

I tend to be attracted to people with masculine or androgynous presentations, and I'm not super into cis men anymore, so that doesn't leave me a lot of options for sex with people with penises (in fact I haven't done this in....9-ish years?). But even within the realm of masculine or androgynous people, it seems kind of arbitrary whether or not I am attracted to someone. Like, there's someone who's into me right now who theoretically checks the boxes of who I'd be attracted to and I'm just...not. I really wish my brain were less discerning, I would love to be having a lot more sex than I currently am.

But yeah, thinking more about this lately, and thinking hypothetically about sex with people who I am currently attracted to, and realizing that I wouldn't really care what bits they have.

NO idea how this compares to other non-binary people, but my understanding of pansexual is essentially what I described above, not caring what bits a person has as long as you find that person attractive aesthetically and/or personality-wise.

 

[Britva415]

On a spectrum of being attracted to specific fiddly bits, depending on who they're attached to vs being attracted to specific fiddly bits regardless of who they're attached to, where do you find yourselves?

There are bits I’m attracted to no matter what gender of person they’re on, and there are people I’m attracted to no matter what their gender and their bits are. So… both, I guess?

I (cisgender male) have long identified and continue to identify as bisexual, but, the older I get and the more experience I accumulate and the more people I meet, the more likely it is that I’m completely pansexual - at least, in a way that means I can be attracted to the bodies of persons of any gender identity.

That doesn’t mean I’m attracted to any-old person. A person still has to be attractive to me, for me to be attracted to them. And it doesn’t mean I am “blind” to gender like some pans say they are, or, like some pans say pans, by definition, are supposed to be. I am not blind to gender, I’m aware and mindful of it, but neither cis nor trans nor any type of genderqueerness are off the table as far as my potential to find them attractive and be interested in playing with them goes.

I still have to like the person. It’s not like “any bits’ll do.” I mean, it sort of is, but it's not like "anybody's bits'll do."

 

[AlexBailey]

I’m gender fluid and completely pansexual.

It’s not that I’m attracted to everyone, just that I don’t exclude the possibility of being attracted to anyone base on gender, sex, or sexuality. I also don’t feel constrained by a need to stay within one line of gender norms.

Think of how cis/het people can be into some cis/het stuff but maybe not others: PIV or anal sex, oral, anal, different kinds of hand jobs, three-or-moresomes , etc…

I like to have fun that feels good. I may not like everything but it’s based on what I do or don’t like, but I don’t limit my interests based on typical gender roles.

My greatest attractions (not exclusively by any stretch) have been to pretty guys and tomboys - probably because I relate to their non gender conforming personalities. I usually seem to connect best with masculine AFAB people who are attracted to queer femmes.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

I say I'm bisexual because I'm attracted both to my own sex and others. If I'd met the word pansexual a decade earlier, I might use it.

I have no real sense of gender, and I'm totally useless at telling if someone else is one sex or gender or the other, unless they have a beard or baldness, or clear breasts. Yes, I have got to the point of getting into someone's pants with no idea what configuration they might have.

I'm not particularly bothered what arrangement there is, because all versions of 'fiddly bits' have their merits, and I appreciate all of them, mostly because what I really like is the overall shape of a human and how they react when aroused and when losing it. Or, if course, what they can do for me, to that end. I know other people (mostly bisexual/pansexual) who are more forceful about being read as genderqueer and as a result don't want their bits to be labelled in what they see as gendered ways. But 'can I touch here?' 'Up a bit?' 'ooh yes, like that' works very well for participants. For readers? No idea.

 

[ColtonWrites]

I say I'm bisexual because I'm attracted both to my own sex and others. If I'd met the word pansexual a decade earlier, I might use it.

I have no real sense of gender, and I'm totally useless at telling if someone else is one sex or gender or the other, unless they have a beard or baldness, or clear breasts. Yes, I have got to the point of getting into someone's pants with no idea what configuration they might have.

I'm not particularly bothered what arrangement there is, because all versions of 'fiddly bits' have their merits, and I appreciate all of them, mostly because what I really like is the overall shape of a human and how they react when aroused and when losing it. Or, if course, what they can do for me, to that end. I know other people (mostly bisexual/pansexual) who are more forceful about being read as genderqueer and as a result don't want their bits to be labelled in what they see as gendered ways. But 'can I touch here?' 'Up a bit?' 'ooh yes, like that' works very well for participants. For readers? No idea.

And the beard is less of a hint than you might think.