Am I weird??

[rr90]

I am writing this in the middle of the night, because tonight is one of those nights where I just can't sleep. I am posting this on a forum just as a way to get some stuff out of my chest and I would appreciate some feedback from both guys and girls. Specially from women in serious relationships.

People see me as a popular guy, smart, funny and athletic. Don't mean to brag but I am usually the spotlight among my groups. Although, I find my self the weirdest, because of the way I feel about sex and relationships. Everyone who knows me would be really surprised about the way I feel and most likely wouldn't believe a word I say. I am 21 and the only relationship I've had lasted about a year with a lot of breaks within those 12 months. I have only had sex with that person and I was 17 at the time.

Everyone knows that most guys are happy to have sex with as many girls as possible but for some reason I want to have sex with as few women as possible and find my special one as quickly as I can. Something that really turn me off are one-night-stands and meaningless sex. For me to want to have sex with someone, she must be very special and I need to know her very well. I have only had sex with a girl and only felt desire to do it with 2 other, although they didn't love me back.

As a boyfriend I am very romantic, love to surprise people I love and make sure they feel special. Even with the 2 girls I went out last year, we didn't date but I surprised them with gifts and tried to be as sweet as possible.
I remember a conversation I had with a group of guy in high school when I was 17, where we talked about what the goal in sex was. I said that for me sex is like a game where the goal is to pleasure who's with you. They all laughed and told me they didn't feel the same way. For them sex was an activity they did for fun and pleasuring their partners was secondary.
I am at a point in my life where I am working on improving my self as a person. I am always trying to be nice to people and learn new skills. Sometimes I ear women talking about "the perfect man", and even knowing there's no list of skills I am working on the things I think my future girlfriend/wife will appreciate. I have learn to cook, clean, listen, apologize, never raise my voice in arguments, be sweet and polite. Most of my personality skills improved a lot after I started training martial arts 3 years ago. I also do thing like read books such as kamasutra and others in how to give massages and such things, just to be sure I will be a good lover to my next girlfriend.
It really hurts me to see guys treating their girlfriends or wives like dirt, specially when I am single and would love to get a shot with some amazing women that are with some giant assholes. Other thing that I would never do is cheat on someone. That's like asking me if I would kill a baby! I simple can't do anything to hurt someone I love. And if someone ever cheats on me (hope that never happens) I know it would break my heart and I would never be the same.

Right now I am recovering from a big disappointment since I have been rejected by someone really special for me. She was everything I was looking for and off course everyone gets rejected every now and then but this one will change me forever. The reason is (and I hope she never finds this) I fell in love with a woman that has a daughter...she is 8 years older than me and her daughter is 8 year old now. When a mutual friend of ours talked to me about meeting her I didn't imagine me falling in love with her. We started by chatting on facebook and then we agreed to meet. I must admit that at the beginning I only chatted with her to be polite but I really liked talking with her. We both opened up to each other and it broke my heart to learn she is a single mother because her daughter's father cheated on her when she was 4 months pregnant and, at that time, 20 years old. Call me crazy but I truly believe someone that does that should be in jail!!
When we met she didn't have anyone to babysit her daughter so I told her to bring her too. I know for a long time that I want kids just didn't expect this one to impact me this much. I expected her daughter to be shy and don't talk to me that much but as soon as she saw me, she ran to me to introduced herself. We were together for about 6 hours. For the first 4 hours she held my hand, at her will, and then, because she got tired, I carried her like and she kinda fell a sleep on my shoulder. That day when I went home I even cried of joy!! And every time I think about her I get very emotional. Off course none of this would make sense if I wasn't in love with her mother. It only took me a couple more date to be 100% sure she could be the one. And because I was sure she was also interested in me, my silly head started to imagine how it would be like if things worked out between us. She is the most beautiful and sweet girl I have ever met. Nobody can tell she's 8 years older than me and she is exactly my type. I am in love with her personality but even if I could draw my dream woman, I couldn't do her better than she is. We have met in August and she told me in November that nothing between us would ever happen. We still talk every other day and just now I am getting over her. I just hope her next boyfriend won't be an asshole...I truly hope she can be happy, because that's what you should hope someone you love and it would hurt me even more to know she didn't give me a change and ended up with someone worse.

I kinda got away from my point but it wouldn't make sense if I didn't explain this particular moment in my life. I know that the way I feel is not just a phase. I have felt this away since I know my self and don't think I will change. I am happy with my personality and I think one day, when I find someone that loves me back, she will happy that I am the way I am. Until them I am going to suffer more that the common male. Is it normal for a guy to be this away? And do women even look for guys like me anymore?

Thanks in advance for any feedback!

 

[kromen]

I hate to be blunt about it, but man the fuck up. Just because women talk about the "perfect man" doesn't mean that they will fall in love with that man. Don't take up all of these activities because you think that's what a woman wants. Do it because you want to. It's nothing wrong with making a woman happy, but not at the cost that you ruin your own life. Nothing wrong with being a nice guy, I'm considered a nice guy, but many women chase the assholes. You don't have to be an asshole, but be an Alpha male. It sounded like you've done everything to please the woman, without taking charge one bit.

 

[fire_breeze]

I am writing this in the middle of the night, because tonight is one of those nights where I just can't sleep. I am posting this on a forum just as a way to get some stuff out of my chest and I would appreciate some feedback from both guys and girls. Specially from women in serious relationships.

Welcome to Lit

Weird? No more and no less than any one of us here. Maybe a bit unusual, but kiddo, you' may be an idealist, or a romantic. Who know? Different strokes and so forth. But do remember, people change. I am very *very* much different than I was a few months ago, let alone a few years ago. And no, I'm not going to say it's because you're only 21. When I was 21, I was the most jaded, cynical, misanthropist, pessimistic and hard person you had ever the pleasure meeting. I've mellowed out tremendously since then (although I can still be on the cynical side, but I digress).

Let's go through your post, shall we?

People see me as a popular guy, smart, funny and athletic. Don't mean to brag but I am usually the spotlight among my groups. Although, I find my self the weirdest, because of the way I feel about sex and relationships. Everyone who knows me would be really surprised about the way I feel and most likely wouldn't believe a word I say. I am 21 and the only relationship I've had lasted about a year with a lot of breaks within those 12 months. I have only had sex with that person and I was XX at the time.

You're not bragging - you seem to be a well adjusted young man. And it's no one's business if you decided to remain a virgin or have slept with the entire cheerleading squad. That is your choice. It should not impact you in any way.

And by the way, you may wish to change that age that you've had sex. Just sayin'.

Everyone knows that most guys are happy to have sex with as many girls as possible but for some reason I want to have sex with as few women as possible and find my special one as quickly as I can. Something that really turn me off are one-night-stands and meaningless sex. For me to want to have sex with someone, she must be very special and I need to know her very well. I have only had sex with a girl and only felt desire to do it with 2 other, although they didn't love me back.

Bullshit. First off, no. Not every guy wants sex with as many people as people. Some guys, horrors of horrors, actually want an emotional connection with his partner. Not every guy wants one-night stands. I know plenty of men who doesn't do either. And they are perfectly happy men, have drop-dead gorgeous girlfriends. As one of my male friends once told me, "what's the point of having sex if I'm not feeling it for her? I can do the same with my hand."

Meaningless sex turns you off. Big deal. Sex without respect turns me off. Just because you aren't looking for meaningless sex does not make you any less of a man. It just means that you aren't into one night stand. So is a lot of other people. And there are a quite a lot of other people who do have one night stands and then stop. Again, it's your and your partner's business to do what is enjoyable. At least you know you actually like the person before dancing the horizontal tango.

As a boyfriend I am very romantic, love to surprise people I love and make sure they feel special. Even with the 2 girls I went out last year, we didn't date but I surprised them with gifts and tried to be as sweet as possible.
I remember a conversation I had with a group of guy in high school when I was 17, where we talked about what the goal in sex was. I said that for me sex is like a game where the goal is to pleasure who's with you. They all laughed and told me they didn't feel the same way. For them sex was an activity they did for fun and pleasuring their partners was secondary.
I am at a point in my life where I am working on improving my self as a person. I am always trying to be nice to people and learn new skills. Sometimes I ear women talking about "the perfect man", and even knowing there's no list of skills I am working on the things I think my future girlfriend/wife will appreciate. I have learn to cook, clean, listen, apologize, never raise my voice in arguments, be sweet and polite. Most of my personality skills improved a lot after I started training martial arts 3 years ago. I also do thing like read books such as kamasutra and others in how to give massages and such things, just to be sure I will be a good lover to my next girlfriend.

I think you might need to find some new guys to hang out with. Just sayin'. If you're sweet because that's who YOU are, more power to you. If you're trying to be sweet to get a girlfriend, then you've got a serious problem.

You mention 'women looking for the perfect man'. Oy. You do realise that each and every woman has a different outlook and a different idea what 'a perfect' man is, right? What I look for in my mate is something different than what Eilan, SweetE or Bail or J or Satin (you'll hopefully meet these spectacular Ladies ) looks for in their mates. Why? Simple. I know who I am, and what I need. They know who they are and what they need. Do I find a man who can cook attractive? Yes. But I also know that if he tries to clean, it'll probably drive me up the wall. I'm too OCD to allow that to happen. Do I want a man who will let me walk all over him? Fuck no.

Perfection is, in my not so humble opinion, creepy. Instead of being 'the perfect man', be yourself. Yes, skills are very good to have, and being able to listen is a wonderful and indispensable skill to have. But realise - and this is coming for a life-long perfectionist - that when you are perfect, you are placed on a pedestal. When you fall, and you will, well... I'll leave it at that. But trust me, being looked at with disappointment is more painful than ever.

I think it's sweet that you are attentive and want to please future partners. Just also, don't forget yourself.

It really hurts me to see guys treating their girlfriends or wives like dirt, specially when I am single and would love to get a shot with some amazing women that are with some giant assholes.

This happens to most women. Remember, girls your age are trying to figure themselves out, and we can make some pretty stupid mistake. The Gods know I've dated some assholes and beyond. I thought I knew. I thought that being treated like yesterday's dirt was exciting. I confused two fundamental concepts, asshatedness and strength and ended up hurt. Luckily, with help and patience, I learned the difference... but it took me a long while of bad dating for that to happen.

Right now I am recovering from a big disappointment since I have been rejected by someone really special for me. She was everything I was looking for and off course everyone gets rejected every now and then but this one will change me forever. The reason is (and I hope she never finds this) I fell in love with a woman that has a daughter...she is 8 years older than me and her daughter is 8 year old now. When a mutual friend of ours talked to me about meeting her I didn't imagine me falling in love with her. We started by chatting on facebook and then we agreed to meet. I must admit that at the beginning I only chatted with her to be polite but I really liked talking with her. We both opened up to each other and it broke my heart to learn she is a single mother because her daughter's father cheated on her when she was 4 months pregnant and, at that time, 20 years old. Call me crazy but I truly believe someone that does that should be in jail!!
When we met she didn't have anyone to babysit her daughter so I told her to bring her too. I know for a long time that I want kids just didn't expect this one to impact me this much. I expected her daughter to be shy and don't talk to me that much but as soon as she saw me, she ran to me to introduced herself. We were together for about 6 hours. For the first 4 hours she held my hand, at her will, and then, because she got tired, I carried her like and she kinda fell a sleep on my shoulder. That day when I went home I even cried of joy!! And every time I think about her I get very emotional. Off course none of this would make sense if I wasn't in love with her mother. It only took me a couple more date to be 100% sure she could be the one. And because I was sure she was also interested in me, my silly head started to imagine how it would be like if things worked out between us. She is the most beautiful and sweet girl I have ever met. Nobody can tell she's 8 years older than me and she is exactly my type. I am in love with her personality but even if I could draw my dream woman, I couldn't do her better than she is. We have met in August and she told me in November that nothing between us would ever happen. We still talk every other day and just now I am getting over her. I just hope her next boyfriend won't be an asshole...I truly hope she can be happy, because that's what you should hope someone you love and it would hurt me even more to know she didn't give me a change and ended up with someone worse.

I'm sorry to hear about your disappointment. The age issue may have been a factor. I hate to bring this up, but you are only 21. Granted, you may be a very mature - you are definitely more articulate than most 21 year olds I have met - but there is something to be said about life experience. I think, and i could be way off my mark here, that you were infatuated and infatuated with the security and solidness of family life.

We all have one of those, that type of fleeting relationship that opens our eyes to what we want out of life. Sometimes, we are lucky and are able to build with that person, other times, we have to open ourselves up more in order to allow another person in which to build that life with. Maybe your friend felt that there was a crucial click missing. Maybe, she just wasn't ready. Maybe, you weren't. The bottom line is that I have a feeling that this woman and her daughter has shown you what life that YOU want. Instead of searching, now you know and you can be much more selective in your dating and find a woman who is compatible to you.

I kinda got away from my point but it wouldn't make sense if I didn't explain this particular moment in my life. I know that the way I feel is not just a phase. I have felt this away since I know my self and don't think I will change. I am happy with my personality and I think one day, when I find someone that loves me back, she will happy that I am the way I am. Until them I am going to suffer more that the common male. Is it normal for a guy to be this away? And do women even look for guys like me anymore?

Thanks in advance for any feedback!

I'll go with your final question first. Some women do look for guys like you. Some don't. And yes, there are men like you around there, just like there are guys who are your complete opposite, who are sort of like you and who are way off the map. There is no such thing as the common male. Except when they have the flu. Then they are all the same.

You know who you are. You're merely doing what the Temple of Delphi suggested: γνῶθι σεαυτόν - know thyself. But just because you know yourself, please do not forget to grow. Be open to experiences, do not forget adventure, and learn but never compromise on who you are. You'll probably hear it more often, but this is the time to go out there. Your 20s are absolutely incredible. Enjoy them and remember every day as a valuable lesson that will guide you on your adventure. Isn't that what life is anyway?

Good luck

 

[sunandshadow]

While it's more common for men, especially young ones, to have more sex drive and less romance drive, it's not that weird to be the other way around. People exist in a wide range from sex-obsessed to asexual and from romantic to unromantic. Be what's natural to you, and no, you don't have to be an alpha male, there are some women who don't prefer that.

 

[NightL]

...find my special one as quickly as I can...

...the moment they see that on your shoulder they will run as fast as they can...

Any male I have known who has had an attitude like that remained single... then they became obsessive and ultimately boring to everyone.

...lighten up... and learn to have fun...

 

[Tryharder62]

Be yourself

It sounds like you have a lot of nice qualities. To want to treat a woman right and stay with one the rest of your life is refreshing. In my opinion just make sure it doesn't turn into a controlling type relationship. I am just venting off personal experience. Keep being romantic (and where were you when I was 21?) It is embarrassing to admit but you weren't even born. Don't be afraid to look at different woman than your pictured ideal too. You may be missing out on the best. Good luck!

 

[needsom]

Enjoy your youth while you can. Don't try and grow up too fast. I am willing to bet that many of us here on lit got too serious way too soon. Learn to do things you want to do and somewhere along the doing a young lady will come along and find that you have something in common and maybe a spark will ignite.
Have fun and she will come!

 

[satindesire]

Okay, so my girl Fire hit the nail on the head. There are a few things I want to add, just for food for though, aiight?

First off, you gotta understand that you're just a kid still. I'm not much older than you, not even thirty yet, and I still consider myself a kid. Right now you're in the midst of the biggest changes in your brain, personality and maturity level that you will almost ever experience. People change THE MOST that I've noticed from about their early twenties to their late twenties, and then they'll change again after they have kids, but that's neither here nor there.

Now I said that to say this: What you're doing now is like a mental puberty, okay? Your body's grown, but your mind is still manning up, building itself some pathways to lead you into the person you're going to be when you're thirty. Working on yourself right now instead of focusing on finding the perfect partner for you will do you a WORLD of favors, because people your age more often than not grow apart instead of growing together. So getting into a monogamous long-term marriage/relationship at this stage in your life will be risky as hell.

Those skills you're developing? Develop them. Continue. Not for finding a woman NOW, when you're still changing, but for later when you're in your mid-twenties and you do have that culture and maturity that makes you really ready for marriage.

I've been married now for six years, and I gotta tell you that dating is nothing like being married, and living with your spouse. My husband and I had to be UNITED...okay? Like, way more so than I -ever- was with any of my previous boyfriends, because we understand the depth of this commitment and how different it is from our previous experiences. You may or may not be like that, but as for me, I take my relationship with him so much more seriously, and I had to be developed and mature as an adult in order to handle that kind of weight on my shoulders. It's a beautiful weight, and completely worth it when you're both carrying it, but it's still weight. You have to be strong to lift weights, and marriage is a heavy one.

Strength of character and emotional maturity are two traits that are absolutely ideal in a partner. Emotionally mature women aren't looking for "the perfect man" because there are approximately 2 on the planet, one of them is probably gay and the other's probably happily married. So the rest of us imperfect ladies understand that a person isn't ever perfect, human beings are a constant work in progress.

Stop trying to be perfect and find a wife. Live, work, educate yourself, build that skillset, LEARN, and cultivate culture. Then when you're in your mid-to-late-twenties and you've settled into your adult brain, you'll be ready.

You gotta relax, bro. No worthy woman's gonna let you get into her heart when you're so desperate for love that you're almost scary.

Good luck.

 

[rr90]

Thank very much for all your replies!

When I wrote this was more to help me get some things out of my chest. It toke me awhile to write it but it feels good to be honest about my feelings even when writing it to strangers. Off course it is hard to give someone good advices when you just know me from a single post, but I got to say you girls got a lot of things write.

I consider my self a very manly guy and I come out as an alpha male. I train mixed martial arts, sometimes with professional fighters, and I know that not all girl find that attractive but a lot of people that know me don't even know I practice martial arts, just because I am always rather nice than play the "I can kick your ass" card. Although, I am very insecure and I must change the away I approach relationships. For some reason I can't try anything with someone, until I know her very well. By that time, they expect nothing from me anymore, and it's just too late. Next time I will try to approach thing during the "get to know each other" phase. But it just feels weird to me to try something with someone when I'm not sure I can see my self with. In slang term I could say I have no "game" but I don't even like to call it that, because it sounds like I am trying to trick someone into like me. I would rather wait until she knows me and falls in love as we get to know each other. At least that's how it works with me.

I found really interesting what NightL said. I kinda felt that with the last 2 girls I had dates with. They understood I wanted something too serious and avoid contact with. I am now very good friend with the 2nd one but only because I lied by telling her I was totally over her.

Also a big thank to fire_breeze for breaking my post like that you touched a very important point! The good thing I got from getting my heart broken was that I know my self better know. Going out with a mother and having the possibility of becoming a "step-father" taught me a lot about my self. And I always try to get something positive from this kind of experiences.

I have to leave now but I will be back in a couple of hours. Talk with you soon!

 

[NightL]

Still feel you are focussing on the relationship thing way too much. When I suggested "lighten up and learn to have fun", I meant that you should just enjoy the company of another. Prepare a dinner party (you do the cooking - prepare everything yourself, it will be noticed)... having friends along will take the pressure off... help stimulate conversation... then organise everyone to go off to a club... go dancing... make it fun... give the evening a theme and encourage dressing for the occasion... laughter, conversation and fun is so important... get people smiling. Arrange picnics in the park... keep the deep and meaningful conversations completely locked away... be interested in your partner rather than them feeling obliged to be only interested in you... meaning try not to talk too much about yourself.

Are you someone a woman can guarantee having a good time with without pressure? I am not talking about you pressuring them for sex... just the pressure of expectation they have to commit emotionally before they are ready.

Get the fun stuff happening...pay attention and be genuinely interested in them and the rest may have a chance of happening. Let the emotion side of things just develop by itself, don't try to control it or force it.

 

[NightL]

I consider my self a very manly guy and I come out as an alpha male.

...you have to realise your very response actually reinforces satindesire's comment "but your mind is still manning up..." ...and that is actually OK, because you are very young... you are stumbling around in your newly found adulthood... as we all did/do... it will come together... just take the pressure off yourself and potential partners.

Pay attention to your defensiveness... you asked for advice and were very fortunate to have had some very sound and compassionate responses. Be open to change and change will come... being defensive and closed will only risk repeating patterns that have not been working for you.

 

[bailadora]

Although, I am very insecure and I must change the away I approach relationships. For some reason I can't try anything with someone, until I know her very well. By that time, they expect nothing from me anymore, and it's just too late. Next time I will try to approach thing during the "get to know each other" phase. But it just feels weird to me to try something with someone when I'm not sure I can see my self with. In slang term I could say I have no "game" but I don't even like to call it that, because it sounds like I am trying to trick someone into like me. I would rather wait until she knows me and falls in love as we get to know each other. At least that's how it works with me.

Why on earth do you think you need to change your approach? You seem self aware enough to know that casual intimacy is not for you. And you know what, darlin'? There is NOTHING wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with you. Screw "what everyone else does." You need to remain true to yourself. In the course of getting to know someone, any woman worth her salt should respect the fact that you're just not comfortable being intimate without a romantic connection or commitment. I'm the same way and have been all my life.

I'm going to disagree with with Satin about getting into a long term monogamous relationship/or marriage at this point in your life. My husband and I got together when we were both 19 and we married at 22. Nearly 20 years later, we're still together. That's not to say it's been all sunshine and roses and at one time, we considered divorce. But in the end, we were committed to each other and to the hard work of repairing our relationship. So yes, commitment/marriage at this age is risky. But IMO, it's risky at any age because you never know what life will throw at you and nothing is guaranteed.

I will agree with Satin and the others though, that this type of connection is not something you go looking for. It's good to know what you want and to keep that in mind, but IMX (albeit limited), you don't find love. It finds you.

So yes, go out, make friends and have fun. Let the connection (however deep or not) happen naturally. When it's right, you and the one you are meant to be with will find each other.

 

[sunandshadow]

For some reason I can't try anything with someone, until I know her very well. By that time, they expect nothing from me anymore, and it's just too late. Next time I will try to approach thing during the "get to know each other" phase. But it just feels weird to me to try something with someone when I'm not sure I can see my self with. In slang term I could say I have no "game" but I don't even like to call it that, because it sounds like I am trying to trick someone into like me. I would rather wait until she knows me and falls in love as we get to know each other. At least that's how it works with me.

Me personally, I would not and probably could not fall in love with anyone until after I had slept with them. I would not give myself permission to feel romantic toward them until I already knew they found me desirable, though I will try to spend more time with and be more friendly to someone I'm attracted to. If someone did not give evidence of finding me attractive within about 2 months of meeting them, then if they did later I'd assume I was some last resort or they had been talked into attempting a date with me rather than wanting to of their own volition. So that's just a contrasting view of why it doesn't work for me if a guy takes a long time to get to know me before trying to add a romantic element to whatever existing relationship we've got.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

I am writing this in the middle of the night, because tonight is one of those nights where I just can't sleep. I am posting this on a forum just as a way to get some stuff out of my chest and I would appreciate some feedback from both guys and girls. Specially from women in serious relationships.
Is it normal for a guy to be this away? And do women even look for guys like me anymore?

Thanks in advance for any feedback!

Of course you're weird. Now, here's the real truth...everyone is "weird", but in our own way.

So. I'm what you call, in most respects, "a nice guy."
I think if you asked around here, you'd find that that's how most of the women see me "the guy next door" or the "nice guy." I was just joking around with a friend here about how no women send me forward sexy PMs.

In some ways I am like you, only about 20 years older (by my guess, and please don't correct me and say some larger number...thanks.. ).

Look. People have a hard time with the younger man/ older woman thing. She may not be in a place right now to fit that in. I do not mean this next sentence to belittle in any way, but you have no idea how demanding parent-hood is. No one really can until they are actually a parent. That doesn't mean you would learn. Or that you're immature or anything. It's simple something you can't understand until you've experienced it (and yes I hated it when people told me that too).

My advice to you is two fold. First, just be a friend to her. Maybe not right away, give yourself some healing time. Will this get you the girl? Likely not. But if she's really what you say, take the friendship. It might get you the next girl.

Second. Yes, this one will change your life. We all have one like that. I certainly do. She broke my heart. I dated a couple others, quite casualy, and then I met the next "the one"... and that one lasted. You will recover from this I promise.

And there are wonderful women out there who will love you for who you are.

Don't be too sure that all these macho men and girlie girls who you see matching up are really what they pretend to be, or really are happy. I've watched these "perfect" couples self destruct because they were both pretending to be something they were not, and pretending to like the thing they thought they were supposed to like. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with people who basically expressed that. (And all these divorced women who say "gosh, I really wish I'd married a guy more like you...I knew I liked that, but it wasn't popular" ).

Hang tough. You'll find someone...who is weird...just like you.

 

[rr90]

Why on earth do you think you need to change your approach? You seem self aware enough to know that casual intimacy is not for you. And you know what, darlin'? There is NOTHING wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with you. Screw "what everyone else does." You need to remain true to yourself. In the course of getting to know someone, any woman worth her salt should respect the fact that you're just not comfortable being intimate without a romantic connection or commitment. I'm the same way and have been all my life.

I just said that I should change my approach so I don't get hurt as much. Maybe I should try to make something happen before I have feelings for someone and then as things evolve slowly fall in love. But you are right.. what I just wrote goes against my principles and I would feel like shit while kissing her or going even more intimate knowing that I don't love her and am not sure if I want to have a serious relationship. I want to keep being my self and hopefully next try will workout better

thanks for you reply!

 

[shyirishamy]

I think your attitude is very immature and probably a little too serious. To meet a guy who straight away is thinking of long term can be a turn off if not a little scary. It initally feels possessive to me and I think you need to lighten up and just have fun. But then everyone is different and it might appeal to some women.

 

[rr90]

Of course you're weird. Now, here's the real truth...everyone is "weird", but in our own way.

So. I'm what you call, in most respects, "a nice guy."
I think if you asked around here, you'd find that that's how most of the women see me "the guy next door" or the "nice guy." I was just joking around with a friend here about how no women send me forward sexy PMs.

In some ways I am like you, only about 20 years older (by my guess, and please don't correct me and say some larger number...thanks.. ).

Look. People have a hard time with the younger man/ older woman thing. She may not be in a place right now to fit that in. I do not mean this next sentence to belittle in any way, but you have no idea how demanding parent-hood is. No one really can until they are actually a parent. That doesn't mean you would learn. Or that you're immature or anything. It's simple something you can't understand until you've experienced it (and yes I hated it when people told me that too).

My advice to you is two fold. First, just be a friend to her. Maybe not right away, give yourself some healing time. Will this get you the girl? Likely not. But if she's really what you say, take the friendship. It might get you the next girl.

Second. Yes, this one will change your life. We all have one like that. I certainly do. She broke my heart. I dated a couple others, quite casualy, and then I met the next "the one"... and that one lasted. You will recover from this I promise.

And there are wonderful women out there who will love you for who you are.

Don't be too sure that all these macho men and girlie girls who you see matching up are really what they pretend to be, or really are happy. I've watched these "perfect" couples self destruct because they were both pretending to be something they were not, and pretending to like the thing they thought they were supposed to like. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with people who basically expressed that. (And all these divorced women who say "gosh, I really wish I'd married a guy more like you...I knew I liked that, but it wasn't popular" ).

Hang tough. You'll find someone...who is weird...just like you.

I loved what you just wrote nice to ear a different perspective!

As I was reading the part where you wrote about how hard it's to be a parent I totally though.. WTF!! this guy doesn't know me! I am ready! and then you wrote "and yes I hated it when people told me that too". I see your point! Before I met her I was afraid but when I met her what I felt was so beautiful that there was nothing I wanted more than have a kid. No one tell me they know the sweetest kid in the world because in my eyes she is the most beautiful and sweet little girl by miles! haha I really felt something special and wanted to be a part of that family. For the good and the bad things. And it makes me angry that her father is an asshole that doesn't deserve the luck he has. I have never met him but I hate him so much :-/

Anyway...I see your point! And I definitely respect her for being a single mother with a reasonable amount of things accomplished. I also know she has been through a lot and hoped I could be the one to make her happy. Hollywood style happy ending...

Appreciate your reply!

 

[Bellatrixie]

I hate to be blunt about it, but man the fuck up. Just because women talk about the "perfect man" doesn't mean that they will fall in love with that man. Don't take up all of these activities because you think that's what a woman wants. Do it because you want to. It's nothing wrong with making a woman happy, but not at the cost that you ruin your own life. Nothing wrong with being a nice guy, I'm considered a nice guy, but many women chase the assholes. You don't have to be an asshole, but be an Alpha male. It sounded like you've done everything to please the woman, without taking charge one bit.

Not everyone wants an Alpha male...just saying. There is no right answer out there. I do agree that you should work on being the best person you can be for yourself first and if you are a great person there will be another great person who will want to get to know you better. Don't do things solely for other people is pretty good advice.

 

[rr90]

I think your attitude is very immature and probably a little too serious. To meet a guy who straight away is thinking of long term can be a turn off if not a little scary. It initally feels possessive to me and I think you need to lighten up and just have fun. But then everyone is different and it might appeal to some women.

well...When I met her I just wanted to get to know her. I don't go on first dates with a mind set of having a long term relationship but also, definitely, not for something casual. For me if I am not thinking about a long term thing it doesn't interest me. I just don't see the point of starting something with no future and if you tell me, to have fun, I tell you I just don't find it any amusing to date someone who I don't feel is special. I do respect your point of view and this is what I am struggling with!! and the reason I think I am weird!

Thanks for you reply!

 

[tcbyron]

Okey dokey pumpkin, let's get right down to it...

First of all, we are all 'weird' in our own way. So, with that said, yes, you are weird in your own way. Just as I am in mine.

Do -not- try to be something you are not. In other words, do not try to turn yourself into what you believe someone will want in their perfect mate. While it may work in the beginning of a relationship for those who do not sniff out the fake to begin with, it will not last happily.

While you may know that you are ready for something 110% serious, if you are looking at girls your age or younger, be prepared to get blown off a lot. In general, of course there are exceptions, most people your age are not yet ready to be tied down for ever and always. If age is not a factor to you, you could always join the cougar club. But then again, they may just want to 'play' with a boy your age...

In regards to that special person who forever changed you - anyone you are with, or even just friends with, will change you. Even if it is so subtle that you do not realize it... Accept it. That is part of life and will never, ever change no matter how old you get or even when you find your perfect mate.

With that said, I hope you find who you are looking for. I know the feeling of an empty heart. Good luck and take care of yourself.

 

[rr90]

Do -not- try to be something you are not. In other words, do not try to turn yourself into what you believe someone will want in their perfect mate. While it may work in the beginning of a relationship for those who do not sniff out the fake to begin with, it will not last happily.

I should have mentioned that changing my self in order to "improve" or add qualities is my way of being me. I am sort off obsessed with making my self better. I don't do it to impress people or get girls but my personality makes me try to be the best I can be in everything I do. My boss tells me often that it makes no sense that I work so hard. But I am obsesed with learning and do my best. And by doing it I feel happier about my self. Some people like to buy shoes I like to add skills.

Thanks for you reply!

 

[SweetErika]

I just said that I should change my approach so I don't get hurt as much. Maybe I should try to make something happen before I have feelings for someone and then as things evolve slowly fall in love. But you are right.. what I just wrote goes against my principles and I would feel like shit while kissing her or going even more intimate knowing that I don't love her and am not sure if I want to have a serious relationship. I want to keep being my self and hopefully next try will workout better

thanks for you reply!

You'd feel like shit kissing or fooling around with a woman you didn't love?

How many women have you loved?

Since you like to improve yourself, you may want to consider reframing your ideas on physical intimacy prior to love. Turn "love" into "care for" or something along those lines. Because, yeah, you might miss out on a woman of your dreams by refusing any physical intimacy prior to falling in love. People who are dating and care for each other generally at least kiss and touch each other in intimate ways. That's a natural part of chemistry, lust and having positive emotions about a potential mate. If you and the woman you're dating agree, you could certainly wait to have intercourse until you two recognize love is there (or commit to waiting like 6, 9 or 12 months), but by waiting for actual love to kiss and fool around, you're likely putting yourself right into the "friend zone" pretty quickly.

The only people I know who vowed not to kiss or anything until they were seriously engaged or married have been religious fanatics who basically wanted to save EVERYTHING for the ONE person they figured they'd be with for life. And that's fine for them, but if that's not your belief system (or that of the women you tend to date), you're going to be in for a rough ride relationship-wise.

One other thing: You should always question the judgment of a woman who brings her child(ren) on a date, or introduces them to you, too quickly into the dating process. As you witnessed, kids get attached very easily, and it's often heartbreaking for them when those important people move out of their lives. Especially when those kids' dads aren't as involved in their lives as they should be.

As a maturing man, you should really decline dates that involve kids before the relationship is a serious one that's likely to stick long-term. Offer to move the date back until your date can find childcare, or pay for a sitter (they can be very expensive!), instead. If you do meet the kid(s) then break up, work with the mom to make the transition for her child(ren) as smooth as possible (like maybe get together to see the kid(s) with decreasing frequency over a month or three).

 

[rr90]

You'd feel like shit kissing or fooling around with a woman you didn't love?

Yes, I would! And I know it isn't quiet normal.

As a maturing man, you should really decline dates that involve kids before the relationship is a serious one that's likely to stick long-term. Offer to move the date back until your date can find childcare, or pay for a sitter (they can be very expensive!), instead. If you do meet the kid(s) then break up, work with the mom to make the transition for her child(ren) as smooth as possible (like maybe get together to see the kid(s) with decreasing frequency over a month or three).

A friend of mine who lost her father when she was young and therefore had a single mother told me the same after the date. At the time I didn't think about it but I now understand your point. The date ended up being a focused on the kid. I don't want to tell where we went just in case she ever finds this but it was a place where you would take a child. Not some bar or something like that

Thanks for your reply!

 

[night&day]

Get Checked!

You might have low "T" and I'm not trying to be a wiseass when I say it!

 

[SweetErika]

So how many women have you loved?

What's your definition of love?

Do you know why you feel so bad kissing and being physically intimate with women you don't love? IOW, do you know where those attitudes are stemming from? And are you willing to work on changing your attitudes?

For instance, I have trouble having sex with people I don't really know and care for immensely. For me, that comes from being told that "people who love each other have sex" as a child, issues surrounding my father and trauma I experienced as a young woman. I've found NSA sex to be exciting in the distant past, but concluded that having it was harmful to me emotionally. That's my story, what's yours?