Am I the only one??

[Alexis_Grey]

Sometimes I just don't know how to go about figuring out what I want. I know what I like and what I don't but those are not the same thing to me. And even if I did figure out what I want, how would I go about achieving it.
I'm sorry if I sound indecisive or silly but this has driven me crazy for a long time now. Most of the time I just want someone to tell me or show me what I want so it's out of my hands..

I have read around on here, and everyone seems to know excatly what they want and how they want it.. I envy you..

Am I alone here??

 

[Kurokami]

No. No you aren't. I am often plagued by a profound sense of indecisiveness about even the simplest of things. To the point where I probably rewrite every post I make here at least twice before they go out.

Unfortunately, there's no trick or magic bullet for suddenly figuring it all out, nor is it entirely possible for someone else to guide you to what you want, given how subjective all that is. You just need to sort of stumble through life like a drunk kitten until you find a state of being that you find palatable.

Course, these are all blanket statements; some more information would go a long way to narrowing down the topic so's we all can discuss it a little more clearly.

So, what be the trouble?

 

[Alexis_Grey]

Well, I am very secure in my sexuality and know that I am completely hetero (but have nothing against other lifestyles) but I feel like something is lacking not only sexually but in my lifestyle. I, to, am sometimes indecisive about many things yet some things are so concrete. I am only 21 and know that I am not the most experienced but I have a strong drive. I think my main point of questionability is curiousity. I have always thought that the void in me would be filled my an Alpha male, of course everyone has their own definition of what that is, including me, but then I stop and think why do I need another person fix what I beleive is missing. It doesn't seem right to me. Is it as simple as being someones submissive? Is that was is missing within me?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Sometimes I just don't know how to go about figuring out what I want. I know what I like and what I don't but those are not the same thing to me. And even if I did figure out what I want, how would I go about achieving it.

Things we like/don't like quite often don't match up with what we want. Or think we want. Figuring out what one wants is perhaps one of the great mysteries of life. If we succeed, even if only a little bit, in figuring out what we want - and how to get it - then life expands into ever-greater satisfaction. But then again, the search, the seeking after our heart's desire (not chasing the desire, but trying to find out what it is), carries its own satisfactions as we learn at least what we probably don't want.

As for achieving it, is not the quest the greater glory?

I'm sorry if I sound indecisive or silly but this has driven me crazy for a long time now. Most of the time I just want someone to tell me or show me what I want so it's out of my hands.

Nahhh... you're just a bit tired of seeking. All the greatest heroes/heroines got tired once in a while, so consider yourself in good company. Rest a little, don't let the search grind you down, and then return to it when you're refreshed. Someone telling or showing you what you want is kind of like having the answer to the NYT crossword puzzle right next to the puzzle itself. The quest is lost.

I have read around on here, and everyone seems to know excatly what they want and how they want it.. I envy you..

Am I alone here??

Do we (collectively or individually) seem that way to you? Oh, my goodness, what a facade we have erected! We might know *some* of the things we want...

Wowwww... I think my pain pills are having a little side effect...

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I can assure you, based on the dozens upon dozens of similar posts here, that there are PLENTY of people who are with you. You are definitely not alone.

As for your confusion...well. You don't have to know. I'm going to look you in the eye and tell you YOU DO NOT HAVE TO KNOW. Life's all about discovering things, ourselves, etc...etc... Who you are, what you like, what you need, is going to change over time. Even if you knew, RIGHT NOW what you wanted, good easily be that a month from now your preference has shifted. We are constantly in flux.

The reason I tell you this is because so many people seem so...CONCERNED that they can't label, put a finger on, figure out what's got them wired funny. Obviously, the need-to-know is vital for discovery, but there's really no reason to get angsty about it Just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. Poke around, experiment (Safely!) and figure it out one day at a time.

It's certainly okay not to have it figured out when you haven't tried anything. No one figures out the Labyrinth at the entrance.

 

[FurryFury]

Am I the only one??

The answer to that on the internet is always no, you are not the only one.

*HUGS*

FF

 

[Alexis_Grey]

All of your comments have been so great.. Really.. It is nice to have support even from strangers.. Thank you all for your opinions..

But I think I was skirting around my own curiosity, I am in the process of deciding on whether I want to get serious about finding a top/dom...

Anyone who has a top/dom or even if you are one, what made you finally decide to go through with actually seeking out what you want??

 

[HottieMama]

Anyone who has a top/dom or even if you are one, what made you finally decide to go through with actually seeking out what you want??

The "need" outweighed the "fear."

 

[o2bebd]

spending my entire life trying to turn vanilla people into BDSM people. It did not work. But, I did get 4 marriage proposals! I only married one of them (my ex husband has custody of the house and my dog. I miss the house and the dog. Not him) I have now decided to put the cart before the horse-so to speak... I have just started a relationship with a wonderful man... Good luck to you... Take it slow and be true to you....

 

[graceanne]

Do we (collectively or individually) seem that way to you? Oh, my goodness, what a facade we have erected! We might know *some* of the things we want...

... I want a nap? Does that count?

That said, no I don't always know what I want. I might even go out on a limb and say that anyone who says they always know what they want are lying or delusional ... or both.

That said - you're 21? It's pretty normal to be a bit unsure at your age. I would say let each day and week take care of themselves. Don't overwhelm yourself with what you MIGHT want further down the road. What do you want now? It's okay if you make a decision you don't end up liking - you can change your mind. Explore a bit, try stuff out, learn about yourself, and don't take yourself, and your decisions, too seriously.

Oh, and don't go home with any strange men who want to tie you up without AT LEAST letting someone know who you're with and where you going. And stay away from my cookies. These choices will help bring life, health, and a life free of an annoyed me.

 

[Alexis_Grey]

Graceanne, very sound advice.. You did have me laughing though.. I have never gone home with any man and I promise that your cookies are safe from me... for now....

 

[cosmocreamer]

No you are not the only one!
I feel overwhelmed by the amount of stuff (sexual and non sexual) that I want to try and how I will acheive it. Really I should be focussing on the present.

 

[Alexis_Grey]

Cosmo, I really know how you feel. There are just so many things to try and experience, it's kind of overwhelming. But I do agree that you should focus on the present.. It's what matters most..

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

No, you are not the only one.
My very best wishes to you on your journey!

 

[graceanne]

Graceanne, very sound advice.. You did have me laughing though.. I have never gone home with any man and I promise that your cookies are safe from me... for now....

 

[kiwi_submissive]

You are only young so experiment. Don't try and label yourself at the moment and force yourself to fit in that label or let anyone else push you into that label.

 

[Etoile]

Seconding FF. I have learned, over time, that no matter how strange you think you are, there is always someone else out there going through the same thing.

 

[ctgirl1]

I know how it is. It's taken a vanilla relationship and years of my life for me to realize that I need more out of a relationship and sex. Years ago, I started looking at pics and vids of bdsm. Then when I got involved with a man, I got rid of all that was on my computer and denied the fact that I need more than vanilla. After that relationship ended with both of us bored with the sex, I have decided that I need more.

I still don't know exactly what I need or want other than a sexually dominating male. I know most of what turns me on when reading or viewing stuff, but still don't know what would really happen if I really tried any of it. I still need to find the right Dom to find any of it out.

Hugs and best wishes in your search for yourself.

 

[Lilac_Sky]

I know how it is. It's taken a vanilla relationship and years of my life for me to realize that I need more out of a relationship and sex. Years ago, I started looking at pics and vids of bdsm. Then when I got involved with a man, I got rid of all that was on my computer and denied the fact that I need more than vanilla. After that relationship ended with both of us bored with the sex, I have decided that I need more.

I have to agree with the fact that trying to pretend like those needs don't exist doesn't work out well at all. Learning that there isn't anything "wrong" with you because of your individual kinks is a valuable lesson ... and posting here and asking questions is a great start.

(also, i pm-ed you a link to a helpful article)

 

[DVS]

I'm lying and delusional...both.

 

[switchbitch]

I'm lying and delusional...both.

ME TOO

 

[Alexis_Grey]

I still don't know exactly what I need or want other than a sexually dominating male. I know most of what turns me on when reading or viewing stuff, but still don't know what would really happen if I really tried any of it. I still need to find the right Dom to find any of it out.

ctgirl1: That is excatly how I feel. I see certain things that I know I like, but having never experienced them, you never know how they will feel to you..

Thank you all for your opinions and suggestions, all of them are extremely appreciated!!

 

[Mz_Cunningham]

I'm actually going to take a bit of a different route with answering your question.

Let me preface it that I would say that I am lucky to have always known what I want, however I only consider myself lucky because I need to know things, what direction my life is taking, who I'm taking it with, etc.

But not everyone needs the same things, so I say to you, what's the rush to find out exactly what you need? Have fun, enjoy things and I think (in the same way you shouldn't look for love) you'll find what you need and be able to enjoy the journey. It is something that a lot of people struggle with but have had it drilled into their heads, instant gratification. Instead, don't worry about not knowing what you need right now, because all it's going to do is cause stress and worry, making you think something is wrong with you, and there isn't.

You'll find what you need sooner or later (and just to add another cliche) life is a learning experience.

 

[Alexis_Grey]

I'm actually going to take a bit of a different route with answering your question.

Let me preface it that I would say that I am lucky to have always known what I want, however I only consider myself lucky because I need to know things, what direction my life is taking, who I'm taking it with, etc.

But not everyone needs the same things, so I say to you, what's the rush to find out exactly what you need? Have fun, enjoy things and I think (in the same way you shouldn't look for love) you'll find what you need and be able to enjoy the journey. It is something that a lot of people struggle with but have had it drilled into their heads, instant gratification. Instead, don't worry about not knowing what you need right now, because all it's going to do is cause stress and worry, making you think something is wrong with you, and there isn't.

You'll find what you need sooner or later (and just to add another cliche) life is a learning experience.

I agree to a certain extent to excatly what you are saying, "what is the rush?" and I ask myself that sometimes. Then other times its, "why can't I have what I want now?"
I do know that just like love you shouldn't go searching for it, and this is a lot the same. But, this is slightly different in the fact that everything that I have been finding is nothing like what I want. Maybe men are not made the same as they used to be, or maybe I am seeking and asking to much of them..

 

[graceanne]

Then other times its, "why can't I have what I want now?"

Ah, yes. The inner two year old. Mine was stomping her foot last night because someone told me to copy and paste something on facebook, which ANNOYES my inner two year old so I won't do it.

And they can't make me.