Am I submissive?

[wileycoyote035]

I hope this is the proper place for this post and if not, I apologize, and ask that someone point me in the right direction.

I stumbled upon a video tonight showing a Domme teasing her sub (slave?). Well, stumble is not the right word. I was searching for something like that and found it. She was teasing him, taking him to the brink of orgasm and then backing off. She'd do this in various ways, using her hand, making him masturbate then stop, and even sliding him part way inside her pussy. It struck a chord...a big chord.

The thing that sticks with me is that he was being used for her pleasure. The guy was obviously excited because his dick looked hard enough to crack walnuts. It was the pleasure/denial/serving part that got to me. I have always enjoyed giving a woman pleasure, trying to hold my orgasm until she had hers, eating her pussy for as long as she wanted, sucking her toes, etc. For me, it's always been about pleasing the woman because that brings me pleasure in return. It's the idea of being a living, breathing instrument of a woman's pleasure that has me writing this.

I will freely admit that I have no interest in pain at all, but the thought of being tied to the bed, blindfolded and told to eat you is intoxicating. Having you ride me to the brink of orgasm, only to get off and leave for 30 minutes gives me goose bumps. Hell, I'd even entertain the idea of letting you pee on me, but I have no interest in drinking it.

Do I want to do this 24/7? I don't know. I guess never having done it in the first place makes it kinda difficult to know to what extent I'd go...but I'd have to think the last sentence in the above paragraph gives you some idea.

I saw in another post someone mentioned FetLife so I'm going to check it out. I'm just curious as to how to get into this...I know I've got limits, like pain, but beyond that, I can't think of anything...well, sounding doesn't appear all that appealing, but who knows.

Anyway...like I said, if this isn't the right place to post, just let me know. I'd appreciate any thoughts, comments, or suggestions.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I hope this is the proper place for this post and if not, I apologize, and ask that someone point me in the right direction.

I stumbled upon a video tonight showing a Domme teasing her sub (slave?). Well, stumble is not the right word. I was searching for something like that and found it. She was teasing him, taking him to the brink of orgasm and then backing off. She'd do this in various ways, using her hand, making him masturbate then stop, and even sliding him part way inside her pussy. It struck a chord...a big chord.

The thing that sticks with me is that he was being used for her pleasure. The guy was obviously excited because his dick looked hard enough to crack walnuts. It was the pleasure/denial/serving part that got to me. I have always enjoyed giving a woman pleasure, trying to hold my orgasm until she had hers, eating her pussy for as long as she wanted, sucking her toes, etc. For me, it's always been about pleasing the woman because that brings me pleasure in return. It's the idea of being a living, breathing instrument of a woman's pleasure that has me writing this.

I will freely admit that I have no interest in pain at all, but the thought of being tied to the bed, blindfolded and told to eat you is intoxicating. Having you ride me to the brink of orgasm, only to get off and leave for 30 minutes gives me goose bumps. Hell, I'd even entertain the idea of letting you pee on me, but I have no interest in drinking it.

Do I want to do this 24/7? I don't know. I guess never having done it in the first place makes it kinda difficult to know to what extent I'd go...but I'd have to think the last sentence in the above paragraph gives you some idea.

I saw in another post someone mentioned FetLife so I'm going to check it out. I'm just curious as to how to get into this...I know I've got limits, like pain, but beyond that, I can't think of anything...well, sounding doesn't appear all that appealing, but who knows.

Anyway...like I said, if this isn't the right place to post, just let me know. I'd appreciate any thoughts, comments, or suggestions.

Think of the D/s spectrum as something starting at 1, and running to 100, with your most slave-iest of slaves at 1, and your most masterly of masters/mistresses at 100. There's very, very few people at either end, but so many shades in between.

You'll find somewhere you fit.

Just read what you can, and and take it all with a pinch of salt until you've read from a few sources. Ask questions, form your own opinions. Decude what it is that you want, and be honest. You *will* find your equal and opposite match, no matter how out there you think your tastes might be at times.

 

[Etoile]

To answer your question: yes. What you described yourself as wanting, is what people usually call submissive. Here's how it usually breaks down:

Bottom - the person who "gets things done to them" during sex. Still retains a lot of control over any encounter. This is the person being spanked, not the person spanking - that's pretty much how it is.

Submissive - someone who yields control to their dominant, but still has expectations of fair treatment. When you say you don't want to drink pee, that's called a "hard limit" and dominants are expected to respect that. A safeword is use to stop the play if something is wrong.

Slave - no hard limits, no control. If the Mistress wants you to drink her pee, you're going to do it. Whatever she wants, you'll do, because you have given yourself to her. No safewords (usually) because the Mistress is expected to monitor you and know when something is wrong, and YOU don't get to stop the play.

These are not hard and fast rules, but that's how most people in the kink community would probably define them. I say "most" and "probably" on purpose, because for every 10 people who agree with me, there are probably 5 more who don't!

But based on these definitions...I'd say submissive is where you fall.

And thank you for saying "struck a chord" because so few people get that right!

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I'd say that although labeling can only go so far in helping you and the people you meet figure out what you want, you sound somewhere between bottom and submissive to me as well. That doesn't necessarily tell you anything except how to begin a description of yourself; if you go on Fetlife or start trying to create relationships here or elsewhere, you'll benefit from going into the sort of detail you gave above.

good luck with your search. I can't really add much to the good advice you're already getting here. I hope the journey goes well for you.

 

[wileycoyote035]

Thanks

Thanks for the advice and the information. I've been doing some reading and found a contact for some local information. We'll see how it goes.

 

[BLoved]

Be wary, Wiley.

A lot of pros 'domme' for money (aka "tribute").

It is a common complaint on the collarme boards that unless one is willing to pay through the nose there are no available dommes.

Good luck.

 

[Etoile]

Be wary, Wiley.

A lot of pros 'domme' for money (aka "tribute").

It is a common complaint on the collarme boards that unless one is willing to pay through the nose there are no available dommes.

Good luck.

I have only seen the word tribute used for financial domination,where both parties know exactly what's going on. (I once got a pair of boots through FinDom, but they didn't fit. Oh well.) Regula dommes extract things from their clients too, but they are not usually quite so blatant as to call it tribute.

 

[BLoved]

I have only seen the word tribute used for financial domination,where both parties know exactly what's going on. (I once got a pair of boots through FinDom, but they didn't fit. Oh well.) Regula dommes extract things from their clients too, but they are not usually quite so blatant as to call it tribute.

A lot of people would call my financial use of my slave, H, abusive of him. However I can't possibly imagine slavery that involves no material enrichment for the owner that I'd still call slavery.

True, "both parties know exactly what's going on" in the same way a client hiring a prostitute knows payment will be expected.

The complaint made by so many male subs on collarme is that prostitutes posing as 'dommes' are ubiquitous ... finding a lady who is a domme seeking a loving relationship is exceptionally rare.

If a male sub is willing to pay, it is probably a good idea to shop around to get the best deal for his buck before he hires a 'domme'.

If a male sub is looking for love, patience is a virtue and the mention of "tribute" a red flag.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

It seems to be a bit of a double standard.

I've heard of Dommes asking for 'tributes' and such as a 'proof' that a male sub is serious.

I've watched many discussions, and arguments, where male subs complain that a Domme expects them to pay for everything because they are the man. (Particularly on a first meet, ie, just for coffee where there's no D/s being entered into)

I've also seen the flip side, where Dommes have insisted that they take care of those things and others have said that they do indeed expect that sort of treatment. They tend to label it 'chilvary' as a way of getting around it.

You don't tend to hear any of those arguments anywhere near as much in male dom/ fem sub situations.

I, myself, have been both the main provider, and the one being taken care of at various times. It's never caused an issue. I think, when you're in partnership, each brings what they can to the table, and you just make that work.

 

[CutieMouse]

True, "both parties know exactly what's going on" in the same way a client hiring a prostitute knows payment will be expected.

The complaint made by so many male subs on collarme is that prostitutes posing as 'dommes' are ubiquitous ... finding a lady who is a domme seeking a loving relationship is exceptionally rare.

If a male sub is willing to pay, it is probably a good idea to shop around to get the best deal for his buck before he hires a 'domme'.

If a male sub is looking for love, patience is a virtue and the mention of "tribute" a red flag.

Thats why sites like CollarMe aren't necessarily very useful in finding a partner - hundereds (if not thousands) of women claiming to be Dommes thinking it's an easy way to make a buck; hundreds (if not thousands) of men claiming to be Doms thinking it's an easy way to get laid.

 

[BLoved]

Thats why sites like CollarMe aren't necessarily very useful in finding a partner - hundereds (if not thousands) of women claiming to be Dommes thinking it's an easy way to make a buck; hundreds (if not thousands) of men claiming to be Doms thinking it's an easy way to get laid.

And all of them practicing casual (aka love-less) 'bdsm', since they all choose to self-identify as 'bdsm' practitioners and we are all expected to respect whatever label someone wishes to assign themselves (according to those who advocate casual 'bdsm').

 

[BLoved]

You don't tend to hear any of those arguments anywhere near as much in male dom/ fem sub situations.

I've heard of more than a few cases where 'doms' have prostituted their submissives.

 

[Netzach]

True, "both parties know exactly what's going on" in the same way a client hiring a prostitute knows payment will be expected.

The complaint made by so many male subs on collarme is that prostitutes posing as 'dommes' are ubiquitous ... finding a lady who is a domme seeking a loving relationship is exceptionally rare.

If a male sub is willing to pay, it is probably a good idea to shop around to get the best deal for his buck before he hires a 'domme'.

If a male sub is looking for love, patience is a virtue and the mention of "tribute" a red flag.

Dickweed, this kind of game became a part of play within an ESTABLISHED relationship because both parties thought it would be exciting. I had long stopped any kind of "charge" element at this point - the idea came from HIM to play with cash.

I just can't understand why toying with a woman's pussy is GOOD and FINE and toying with a guy's wallet is OMG END OF WORLD. It really bothers you when adults are adults without your approval. You should get your control issues checked out, I thought I had some.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I've heard of more than a few cases where 'doms' have prostituted their submissives.

I've heard of more than a few cases where 'doms' have offered their incredibly attractive and witty green-eyed boy toys to disgusting, unwashed Crocs sales reps from Iowa, who happened to be staying in Memphis for the week and had always been "curious," in exchange for a new pair of "rare" Detroit Lions Crocs. Crocs that said 'dom' didn't even want because he was really a Buccanneers fan.

 

[Etoile]

I just can't understand why toying with a woman's pussy is GOOD and FINE and toying with a guy's wallet is OMG END OF WORLD.

For the same reason the two guys in my women's history class were vehemently opposed to the idea of getting a vasectomy instead of their partner being on the pill for the rest of her life.

 

[Netzach]

the sexist horse shit in this concern trolling is a mile high.

wileydude, yes, if you are looking for a relationship with sex in it money is a bad start. I agree myself.

 

[00Syd]

The complaint made by so many male subs on collarme is that prostitutes posing as 'dommes' are ubiquitous ... finding a lady who is a domme seeking a loving relationship is exceptionally rare.

Yeah, on collarme. If you ventured out into the real world, you would realize that it hardly ever correlates with the internet.

While it's true that there are many , many pro's in the world, there hasn't been much of a lack of non-pro-dommes in the scene that I've noticed. I can count on two hands the amount of committed, loving female dom/male sub relationships that I know of in NYC, and I hardly know everyone, so I would have to imagine that there are many more.

The moral of the story: Don't believe everything that you read on the internet. First hand experience is much more reliable.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Think of the D/s spectrum as something starting at 1, and running to 100, with your most slave-iest of slaves at 1, and your most masterly of masters/mistresses at 100. There's very, very few people at either end, but so many shades in between.

You'll find somewhere you fit.

Just read what you can, and and take it all with a pinch of salt until you've read from a few sources. Ask questions, form your own opinions. Decude what it is that you want, and be honest. You *will* find your equal and opposite match, no matter how out there you think your tastes might be at times.

This is dangerous. It appears to suggest that human sexuality encompasses a wide variety of orientations and preferences. It also implies that people are capable of discovering what they want, and that those wants and how they manifest themselves sexually might differ from person to person and relationship to relationship.

Seek counseling immediately.

 

[Etoile]

This is dangerous. It appears to suggest that human sexuality encompasses a wide variety of orientations and preferences. It also implies that people are capable of discovering what they want, and that those wants and how they manifest themselves sexually might differ from person to person and relationship to relationship.

Seek counseling immediately.

</sarcasm>

Fixed that for you!

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Fixed that for you!

Ohhhh, RIIIIIGHT. That was SOOOOOO sarcastic.

 

[BLoved]

For the same reason the two guys in my women's history class were vehemently opposed to the idea of getting a vasectomy instead of their partner being on the pill for the rest of her life.

There are other options.

 

[BLoved]

The moral of the story: Don't believe everything that you read on the internet. First hand experience is much more reliable.

Since Wiley is asking this question on the net and there are several sites advertising dommes it is reasonable to provide some insight on what to expect.

 

[00Syd]

Since Wiley is asking this question on the net and there are several sites advertising dommes it is reasonable to provide some insight on what to expect.

Sure, no argument there, but to make a an overly-general statement based on shaky evidence without any qualifiers could possibly give the wrong impression to the person seeking advice. Since I know that giving the wrong impression is the absolute last thing you want to do, hopefully you'll keep this in mind for the next time, so as to avoid that possibility.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Since Wiley is asking this question on the net and there are several sites advertising dommes it is reasonable to provide some insight on what to expect.

I challenge your right to tell anyone what to expect, since you have exactly zero experience in this realm.

Wiley, here's what's happening. You've stumbled on a larger dialogue that is, unfortunately, going on pretty much everywhere in the BDSM area right now, and it's contaminating your thread. BLoved has a pretty strong and rather incoherent agenda to dissuade people from exploring BDSM at all, and there are a lot of people, bless 'em, who are wasting their time arguing the finer points of this assertion.

The direction your thread has turned may seem a little surreal without an understanding of what's happening in the larger context, so bear with it, and I suppose you can take this as your first object lesson in staying skeptical of everything you read on line.

good luck anyway. While the tempest rages, you might consider finding a few people whose posts have made sense to you and who seem to know what they're saying, and send them private messages if you want to dialogue further without ol' Fred Phelps here popping up every ten minutes.

 

[Netzach]

I hope this is the proper place for this post and if not, I apologize, and ask that someone point me in the right direction.

I stumbled upon a video tonight showing a Domme teasing her sub (slave?). Well, stumble is not the right word. I was searching for something like that and found it. She was teasing him, taking him to the brink of orgasm and then backing off. She'd do this in various ways, using her hand, making him masturbate then stop, and even sliding him part way inside her pussy. It struck a chord...a big chord.

The thing that sticks with me is that he was being used for her pleasure. The guy was obviously excited because his dick looked hard enough to crack walnuts. It was the pleasure/denial/serving part that got to me. I have always enjoyed giving a woman pleasure, trying to hold my orgasm until she had hers, eating her pussy for as long as she wanted, sucking her toes, etc. For me, it's always been about pleasing the woman because that brings me pleasure in return. It's the idea of being a living, breathing instrument of a woman's pleasure that has me writing this.

I will freely admit that I have no interest in pain at all, but the thought of being tied to the bed, blindfolded and told to eat you is intoxicating. Having you ride me to the brink of orgasm, only to get off and leave for 30 minutes gives me goose bumps. Hell, I'd even entertain the idea of letting you pee on me, but I have no interest in drinking it.

Do I want to do this 24/7? I don't know. I guess never having done it in the first place makes it kinda difficult to know to what extent I'd go...but I'd have to think the last sentence in the above paragraph gives you some idea.

I saw in another post someone mentioned FetLife so I'm going to check it out. I'm just curious as to how to get into this...I know I've got limits, like pain, but beyond that, I can't think of anything...well, sounding doesn't appear all that appealing, but who knows.

Anyway...like I said, if this isn't the right place to post, just let me know. I'd appreciate any thoughts, comments, or suggestions.

How you get into this is the same way you get into a relationship of quality currently. You *are* interesting, you *are* sexy, you *are* a person who can bring pleasure to your partner so that her pleasure isn't a staged porn interlude, it's real.

You find a woman who is into this kind of like you find a woman who is really into licking your earlobe. You find a woman who is sexually open and intrepid and maybe talks about being active in bed if you flirt with sexual innuendo, so that when you tell her it drives you wild there's less likelihood of her feeling that her job is to lie there and have things done to her which is the sexual default women are given to work with and some like.

I personally like the idea of working inside the community because while my partner might not love my every whim he's a lot less likely to decide there's something deeply wrong with me because I like putting handcuffs on him. It's like dating someone who speaks the same language as you versus knowing six words of yours. The latter can work, but that's magic lottery odds.

Anyway, there's some pretty pathological stuff in the world of FemDom porn that leads men to think that we're these weird tentacle beasts that need wormy cringing crawling abject wimps. That's not how any woman I know, even a humiliation fetishist like myself, wishes to be approached. The more you keep things in the realm of friendly human relations, the more people you meet, the more likely you are to click with someone. A lot of women are perfectly delighted to play with men in the manner you describe.

Further food for thought - A lot will also expect reciprocation - most *people* like things done to them sexually and a chance to be passive. If that doesn't turn you off, you're more attractive to more people. If it does it's still OK, it just makes it a little more specific.