Am I being unreasonable?

[guy4u112]

So my parents are away on vacation for a week leaving my brother and I at home. Yesterday I met my brother's GF for the first time (they've been going out for 2 weeks) and to my suprise, when I got home, she was in the kitchen while my brother was still at work!!! That's wright she had the keys to the house. I couldn't believe it. This is really frustrating beacuse she's always here, she's sleeping here even if our parents would never let it happen if they knew about it.

I've been frustrated all week beacuse I feel like it's a lack of respect towards me. I'm not stupid, I know what they are doing while she's sleeping over. Can't they just go at her place (she owns a home). Am I being unreasonable?
I'm frustrated beacuse I would never do that to my brother.

Have you ever had to deal with something like this?

 

[ms_sub_liminal]

about the sleeping over thing, maybe. i'm not sure of the ages of everyone involved. i do thing he should have cleared it with you first though, or at least mentioned it.

about the keys to the house, no way. that is incredibly irresponsible to hand your keys off to what is, in my mind, still a stranger. especially when someone else is living in the home. you should never have had to be put in the situation of being home alone with her. it's unsafe.

 

[Derya]

not unreasonable

I would have to also comment I'm not sure of all the ages of you guys as that may have some affect on what and how things are said or handled. Regardless just like any member of the family or roommates or anyone else you can speak directly with your brother and basically convey "Your personal interactions with your girlfriend is your business however I am not comfortable with a stranger having access to our home period without our presence and am quite sure mom and dad would not either. Also bringing someone to stay with us is inconsiderate of my feelings and privacy as well, I am more comfortable if she is not staying over here. As well I'm not willing to be put in the position of having to lie or omit information in communicatiang with our parents " One doesn't have to get into what they are or are not doing together really that's not the issue I don't think...from your sharing it sounds like the concerns and they are valid are
1. stranger in the house
2. parents would not approve
3. it makes you uncomfortable
Understand your worry and discomfort, maybe my thoughts offer an approach to help ease things.

 

[guy4u112]

good point about the age. Let's just say we are all over 20.

 

[guy4u112]

I would have to also comment I'm not sure of all the ages of you guys as that may have some affect on what and how things are said or handled. Regardless just like any member of the family or roommates or anyone else you can speak directly with your brother and basically convey "Your personal interactions with your girlfriend is your business however I am not comfortable with a stranger having access to our home period without our presence and am quite sure mom and dad would not either. Also bringing someone to stay with us is inconsiderate of my feelings and privacy as well, I am more comfortable if she is not staying over here. As well I'm not willing to be put in the position of having to lie or omit information in communicatiang with our parents " One doesn't have to get into what they are or are not doing together really that's not the issue I don't think...from your sharing it sounds like the concerns and they are valid are
1. stranger in the house
2. parents would not approve
3. it makes you uncomfortable
Understand your worry and discomfort, maybe my thoughts offer an approach to help ease things.

You are wright, I should talk to him. Maybe I will. But you know it is just typicall of me: He doesn't consider me and I don't say anything. Maybe I have a problem.

 

[Derya]

don't know

Sure I'd imagine there may be some of the dynamics of your sibling relationship falling into play here too. In fairness to him since we're not hearing his side....maybe he's just not thinking about any issues other than he's into his girlfriend and the time alone this provides. He may not have thought of home safety, privacy disruption, your feelings and if he hasn't it may not be so much a 'cut' to you and your feelings but just that he's into his own little world this week. Given you've said you're all over 20 everyone's ages would imply you should be able to comfortably discuss these concerns and it shouldn't shock them to hear them. It doesn't have to be a formal confrontation but even "you know having her stay here is basically inviting a stranger into the house and I'm not comfortable and it's disrupting my privacy too, wish you would consider all this before acting, is it possible for you to stay at her place if you and she want to be together?"

You inquire "maybe I have a problem?" Not necessarily but I think from what you're continuing to convey you may have issues with how he communicates with you overall....not just this circumstance.

 

[Derya]

also in fairness to him he may not know how frustrating it is to have the house guest or how it makes you feel if you do not tell him

now of course he may but can't know for sure unless you've communicated

 

[SweetErika]

You are wright, I should talk to him. Maybe I will. But you know it is just typicall of me: He doesn't consider me and I don't say anything. Maybe I have a problem.

Whether you've had a problem standing up for yourself, communicating and setting boundaries in the past isn't important.

What IS important is that you have a prime opportunity to set boundaries and communicate your needs and potential solutions now.

And doing so will also give you the opportunity to gain confidence in your ability to communicate and problem-solve when boundaries are being overstepped in the future.

So, I'd suggest starting fresh, letting your brother know you're uncomfortable with allowing a stranger to have access to your home like this in a nice, nonconfrontational (but firm, clear!) way, suggesting some solutions that you would be comfortable with (e.g. her visiting a couple of evenings, them staying at her place, her calling you to ask if it's a good time to come over if he's on his way home, etc.), and giving yourself a chance to change the way you handle touchy situations and grow as a person. Create a new 'typical' you so you can worry less and relax more when situations like this arise from now on (because they will, whether with family, friends, lovers, spouses, coworkers, or others you interact with!).

Good luck with the conversation, and I hope your brother responds with respect and maturity, now and in the future!