Always a cheater?

[ChasingShadowsX]

While monogamy seems to be a culturally valued behavior, it's obvious that people frequently are not monogomous. What is the value of monogomy and what is it's origin?

Our nearest primate relatives are not monogomous by nature. Monogomy in nature is fairly rare. Monogomy was not always practiced in the Old Testament. By nature, we are not monogomous.

Many people live unhappy and angry trying to be monogomous. Would it be better to just be loving and caring and accept our natural horniness? What's so bad about that?

Honesty and compromise in relationships on this subject would go a long way to lowering relationship stress. Cheating does not make someone a miserable, worthless spouse any more than a monogomous drunk is an excellent spouse.

We really need to rethink the role of monogomy in our lives.

that was an easy way to claim that historical facts create scientific evidence... For starters there are many animals which are monogomous. There are a lot of birds for instance which stay with a single partner.

Second, a lot of cultures have promoted monogomy, especially on the womens behalf.

Third, you cant claim promiscuarity is natural, jealousy has always been an issue in relationships, how many men have been killed because a woman has become jealous of a mans 'other' lover. Even ancient stories. Therefore a part of people obviously wants monogomy...

 

[KarennaC]

I know a few "swinger" couples. In two or three of them, it's a very committed, loving marriage, but they have sex with other people because both enjoy it. They communicate about it constantly, have rules that they've agreed to, and say that they feel no jealousy at all when the other is with someone else. They like seeing each other enjoy themselves, even if it's with someone else.

In other couples that I've known, the marriage has disintegrated because of the swinging, because they didn't communicate well enough or because they agreed to certain rules and then one partner broke them. Even in the context of swinging, I would say that if the couple has agreed on certain things, like "no sex with anyone else without a condom" and one of the partners breaks that agreement, that's cheating just as much as it would be cheating if they were in a monogamous relationship and one had sex with someone else. I guess in my mind, cheating isn't about monogamy or sex as much as it is about breaking an agreement with one's partner, whether that agreement is to refrain from sex or involvement with anyone outside the relationship, or to use a condom when having sex with someone outside the relationship.

I would say some people are hardwired for monogamy, while others are hardwired for polyamory, or multiple partners, or other permutations, just as much as people are hardwired to be gay, straight, or bi, or to be dominant or submissive. I dated guys on AdultFriendFinder for a while, and even though I constantly heard "It's a sex site" and there were clearly people who were just having fun and having sex with multiple partners, I never felt quite right about that. I'm hardwired for monogamy, even if it's monogamous friends with benefits, which is kind of a contradiction, I guess. My current partner, whom I met through AFF, is the same way, which is one of the things that makes us a good match. We've made an agreement to be monogamous. If one feels hardwired to have multiple partners, or to be polyamorous or whatever, it seems to me that it would be important to find someone who's wired the same way; then "cheating" would be less likely to occur because if you both agree to see other people or whatever, you won't break your agreement by doing so. Communication, communication, communication.

 

[Noor]

People cheat because "something" is missing in their primary relationship. That "something" might be mostly in themselves, it might be shared in the relationship, or it might mostly be their partner.

"Once a cheater always a cheater" is oversimplifying what underlies cheating. Some people never cheat in their first marriage...but they do cheat in their second marriage. People can stray once, and remain faithful for 35 years thereafter.

We have been misled by allowing fidelity to define the quality of a relationship. jmo.

This maybe true in some cases, however there are people who just cheat. Its just like breaking a contract, some people think its okay to do, some don't.

I suspect in most cases cheaters do cheat again, maybe they just get better at not getting caught.

Its not so much fidelity that defines the quality of a relationship but respect, trustworthiness, and honesty.

 

[Noor]

Forget this "cheater" bullshit. It's a stupid concept... sex isn't cheating.

There is, however, a relevant boolean (true or false) by which to describe people...

Some people are monogamous; others are not.

That has nothing to do with gender or sex or anything. Some men are and some aren't, some women are and some aren't. Someone who is not naturally monogamous will always want to fuck other people. Someone who is monogamous will only want to fuck one person at a time. That's just how it works.

The problem in our society is the assumption that those who are not monogamous need to play by the rules of those who are. The problem in a lot of "sexually liberated" groups is the reverse, the expectation that through logic, the monogamous types can be convinced to play by the rules of the non-monogamous. Both are bullshit.

Be honest about who you are and what you want. Know yourself, and don't be afraid to tell your partners about that. If you're like me and you aren't naturally monogamous... for fuck's sake don't enter into a goddamn monogamous relationship! "Look, I love you and I think you're really hot, but I'm just not into exclusivity. I want you to be my lover, but you've gotta be okay with me fucking other women too."

All's fair in love and war.

Breaking a commitment is cheating. It has nothing to do with monogamy, it has to do with personal honesty. Not being naturally monogamous doesn't mean that a person can't make commitments and keep them.

All is not fair in love and war.

 

[banes27]

Here's a good one then, if you only cheated once and were so put off by it you would never do it again or cheated once then did it again, would you ever tell your partner. There's been a lot of talk about honesty and communication, but what if you'd cheated? How honest would you be?

 

[unregistered]

 

[banes27]

A lot of things can go into the decision to cross the lines; to step outside the boundary of the limits agreed to in the relationship. Outside pressures, fears, disconnects between the partners that aren't properly addressed and redressed lead to gaps that sometimes get filled by a third party. In those cases, I think you can cheat once and then never again; if there is an effort to repair the damage in the relationship.

There are other situations, however, where the cheater simply doesn't respect their partner, let alone the rules. Those self absorbed people are likely to cheat when the mode strikes them.

I knew a guy like this, but his gf kept taking him back because he always managed to convince her that he he loved her and all that stuff, but once he had her back it was right back to not taking her seriously and he'd just do it again. Recently she's finally realised she just keeps getting hurt and it's not worth it, so she's taking time to think about it and will more than likely end it in a few days, which I think is great for her, I'm really proud she managed it

 

[brucebrown9085]

I've known people who have cheated once or had an affair with one person and not cheated again. Sometimes it's just a temporary lapse in judgment or the circumstances of the relationship at the time make cheating very attractive, but values, regret, guilt, improving the relationship, etc., keep the person from doing it again.

More and more, I think it's an issue of values and personal integrity. When someone really values love, honesty, their partner/relationship and themselves and has a good grip on reality, they don't see cheating as a viable option. When one or more of those important pieces is missing, cheating is easy to rationalize away with things like:

And because a lot of people don't readily analyze themselves, their behavior and want to work on their issues, it's quite common and easy for them to just continue cheating and making excuses. Cheating (for most) is far easier than really thinking about what's wrong with us/our relationships, being (often painfully) honest with ourselves and our partners and doing the long, difficult work to make those things better, whether that means some type of therapy or getting out of a relationship that's simply not working for us.

So, I don't think the "once a cheater, always a cheater" adage is true, but it sure seems like cheaters find it easier to cheat again than solve the problems that are making them prone to cheating in the first place. Perhaps, "once a cheater, more likely a cheater again" is more accurate.

Agree! I also happened to know someone like that.

just want to share this...

There's always a possibility that a person can get attracted to another... It's human nature... it's not wrong... but that's why you are in a commitment, you discipline yourself... One may get attracted to numerous prospects and it's ok... as long as you don't do something about it... borderline between cheating and faithfulness... Recognize the reality that you already have the person that can give you more than what you get for the cheap thrills of attraction.

 

[IcePrincessLPU]

My fiance and I were very different sexually, so I had a kind of verbal affair (cybersex, etc.). This was entirely my fault because I had the power to talk to my fiance about what I wanted from our sexual relationship. I ended up talking to him about everything, and things changed. I know that I will never do anything like that again. So I don't necessarily believe that once a cheater always a cheater. It mostly depends on the person.

 

[Recidiva]

I used to lie, cheat AND steal.

I changed my mind.

I think the capacity is in anyone, which makes trust a much more complicated thing.

 

[ZoeBird]

I was unfaithful in one of my relationships, but I was not in love with him and in fact felt very bitter and trapped in the relationship. I am now married to a wonderful man who I love very much and I have not been unfaithful and have no urge or desire to be with anyone but him. I think "once a cheater, always a cheater" is an oversimplified description of someone who has cheated. It depends on WHY the person cheated, not just whether or not they cheated.

 

[collar_corset]

I was unfaithful in one of my relationships, but I was not in love with him and in fact felt very bitter and trapped in the relationship. I am now married to a wonderful man who I love very much and I have not been unfaithful and have no urge or desire to be with anyone but him. I think "once a cheater, always a cheater" is an oversimplified description of someone who has cheated. It depends on WHY the person cheated, not just whether or not they cheated.

I am in the same position right now. I will freely admit that I thought I knew exactly what I was getting into a with regard to being a sub, but I was horribly wrong.

My current partner never listens to me, gets very single minded when it comes to 'fun' or 'joy' (as he refers to sex) and mostly wants it all his own way, he is also extremely demanding in other areas of our lives and as I have a disability which is exacerbated by stress, this makes it horrible for me.

But just as I think the time has come to end it, he will say things like I am the only person that makes him happy, or that he appreciates me.

Technically, the only cheating I have done with the man I really want to be with is a snog, and we have been cybering most of the evening (and by gods, he's a big boy!) I've met him 4 times, hardly know anything about him, but trust him implicitly and for the first time in years, my libido is back with a vengance.

I know I have to split up with my current partner as my heart and soul is no longer in the relationship (plus I'm beginning to resent him for his attitude towards me) but I will be honest and say I have no intention of telling him about the other person.

I might add, it is not solely because of cyber guy I am breaking up with my partner, he was just the catalyst to make me realise how unhappy I am, and as he lives in another part of the country the likelyhood of a relationship outside where I know him from (another forum I am on) is slim to none.

Sorry, I just really had to get that off my chest.

 

[ZoeBird]

You don't have to tell your current boyfriend anything, collar_corset. You don't owe him a confession or an explanation. You are unhappy, so move on and don't look back. Don't feel guilty either. You deserve to find happiness. Don't waste your time in a miserable relationship. Life is too short and it's never worth it. I learned that the hard way, and I'm so grateful to be in a satisfying relationship now. You will find happiness if you seek it, but not if you stay in a bad relationship for his sake. It doesn't matter if YOU make HIM happy. If you aren't happy, it's not worth it.

 

[collar_corset]

Thank you, Zoe (really should have said that before) and you would think after years in a relationship with another man I didn't love would have taught me to be strong, but no!

I have spoken to my current partner about it, and he is aware of how he makes me feel and says he can change, but he's too himself to do so, and I told him that.

Oh well, will just have to put my foot down for the first time in my life.

Lust can be bloody scary at times, though!

 

[Noor]

Thank you, Zoe (really should have said that before) and you would think after years in a relationship with another man I didn't love would have taught me to be strong, but no!

I have spoken to my current partner about it, and he is aware of how he makes me feel and says he can change, but he's too himself to do so, and I told him that.

Oh well, will just have to put my foot down for the first time in my life.

Lust can be bloody scary at times, though!

At times lust can you sway into putting up with situations or people you wouldn't normally.

I don't know what too himself means but if he can change I would see if he does, from a distance perhaps.

Women are not often rewarded for putting their feet down in relationships unless they are complete self centered bitches all the time, a skill I have yet to master. However, it seems selfish to lead a man to believe something that isn't true, like you are happy with how things are in a relationship when you aren't.

Get some strength, throw them all to the curb, including this cyber guy who obviously thinks its okay to cheat.

 

[gloriann]

I was unhappy in my relationship and acted like a spoiled child. I made an enormous mistake and hurt many people, myself included. If there is an upside, I learned so much about myself and my maturity, and now I am in a wonderful relationship and would never ever repeat my mistakes.

I don't believe that once a cheater, always a cheater; I do believe, though, that it depends on the individual.

 

[badmatt]

I don't see it as a black and white thing.

First off, I don't cheat. I've never cheated. Oh, I've been accused of it, but well, from the first time I had sex, and the first time I had a girlfriend, I've had a problem with even considering the concept of mutually exclusive fidelity. I have a need for variety, I always have. And as such, and knowing such, have been forthright and forthcoming about the nature of Myself and every relationship I enter into. If she suddenly chooses to forget who I am, I'm sorry, but that's not My fuckin' problem.

That said, most people who cheat are cheating because something in their moral compass doesn't point the way everyone else's seems to (yes SEEMS too). It's not to say they're bad, or wrong, just that they don't walk the line of the norm. Do I believe they can't be broken of the habit, no, in fact I bet most could be. But do they want to?

 

[aneverydaygent]

me! lol...
i use to be a cheater... i dont really know if it had more to do with being young or what but i simply couldn't remain loyal..
I've heard that expression many times "once a cheater always a cheater" but I wouldn't necessary agree with it.. I think that it's a lot easier (and likely) for an "ex-cheater" to do it again, then for someone that never cheated to do it for the first time.. But it also depends on whether or not you grew and understood what all those cheats really meant and how they hurt other people and ultimately your self...
In my case, i was too stupid to realize that when I cheated on my gf that actually had a serious impact on her emotions and her self... several years ago I dated this girl, i was madly in love but i was still cheating on her. After she broke up w/ me, I heard so many things from people that knew her and I couldn't believe she had gone through all that because of me (and I never even knew it). I couldn't believe that I, the person that said loved her the most, had cause her so much pain, so many tears. She had done nothing to deserve any of that and all because I couldnt keep my cock in my pants...
So that really had an effect on me and changed my perception..
hope this helps,

 

[mimsey]

Very hard question.
When i was dating with my first bf -i'd never have cheated him. Now after being married ages, i don't think that is out of the question..
In my opinion, anyone -if they have a good chance- will use the chance... of course I don't want to have an affrair just because someone feels i'm his last chance - but I know those things happen

 

[joanntracy823]

Here's a good one then, if you only cheated once and were so put off by it you would never do it again or cheated once then did it again, would you ever tell your partner. There's been a lot of talk about honesty and communication, but what if you'd cheated? How honest would you be?

cheating is bad habit. that's why i have done it only 12 times this year after watching this, http://www.kickurl.com/webcam/ i couldn't help it.

 

[kittenclaws82]

I think cheating is never a good thing. It says a lot about your personal ethics and morals, which are very important to me. However, people make mistakes. Sometimes it's a matter of maturity too.

 

[FreedomOverdose]

monogamy ftw!

 

[cherise97camaro]

advice is only as good as its source. It's amazing that the divorce rate at least in the U.S. is over 50% but yet everyone will tell you that "once a cheater always a cheater." So, I find this a bit unreliable, if you consider the source, at least half the people making that claim are possibly cheaters or have been cheated on. Cheating is a lot like lying, if someone lies once then you can possibly question much of what they say with good reason. So, if they are questionable, how reliable is their judgement about other people's propensity for cheating?

The short of it is that it's an individual situation and it's affected by surroundings and circumstances as well as character and opportunity. Anyone has the potential to cheat. Not everyone will cheat. And it's not as simple as saying that if someone has, they automatically will again.

 

[mrquirk]

while growing up well into my adult years, i would cheat on the girls i was cheating with. all that mattered to me was getting some. them i met my wife. from the first time i met her, i lost interest in all other women, she was the only one for me. but after 14 years and an emotionally black hole of a relationship now, i find myself looking.

i am not looking for just sex, i am looking for that relationship, the emotional support, the kiss goodnight, the hug when i get home from work. sharing our shitty days and holding hands going for a walk.

it is true, most people cheat because something is lacking. i have tried talking with her but she doesn't care, if she doesn't, why should i?

mr quirk

 

[SweetErika]

but after 14 years and an emotionally black hole of a relationship now, i find myself looking.

i am not looking for just sex, i am looking for that relationship, the emotional support, the kiss goodnight, the hug when i get home from work. sharing our shitty days and holding hands going for a walk.

it is true, most people cheat because something is lacking. i have tried talking with her but she doesn't care, if she doesn't, why should i?

mr quirk

What's making you stay in that emotional black hole? Why not climb out of it so you can find what you need and want in terms of companionship, affection and support?