Always a cheater?

[spartan12]

Men are cave men

Call it what you like, but if the cupboard is bare, man gets hungry, goes find something to eat.

 

[kaycee217]

Call it what you like, but if the cupboard is bare, man gets hungry, goes find something to eat.

Are you saying it's ok to cheat sometimes?

 

[StrayKat]

Call it what you like, but if the cupboard is bare, man gets hungry, goes find something to eat.

Doesnt have to be a man.

I was married for 17 years and didnt cheat on him, not once. He did cheat on me though, several times.
When my marriage fell apart I found a lover though technically I was still married for the first one. My ex called me a cheating whore /shrug

 

[rainbowgirl1028]

I used to say once a cheater, always a cheater...but now that I've known people who've cheated in their younger days and wouldn't do it again, I see it differently.

 

[kaycee217]

I used to say once a cheater, always a cheater...but now that I've known people who've cheated in their younger days and wouldn't do it again, I see it differently.

I'm the same way, however I can't accept that once a cheater has "reformed" all is well.

What about all those loyal people out there that were in miserable relationships, but stuck with their partner, despite temptation? I think it's unfair to treat them on the same level as someone else who's cheated on another (even if that "cheater" will never cheat again).

 

[wylieok]

I cant say, once a cheater is always a cheater. But as a married man that was cheated on by his spouse, it has been the trust factor that is the hardest to resolve. I would never cheat on her, one because of who I am, and the other, I would no way want to put someone thru what I felt. You say in your heart, you forgive them, but you never do forget. I think its easier to call it quits, rather than work it out. And I have always been one to do things the hard way. lol.

 

[SimonBrooke]

I believe there are two types of cheating.

1) The kind where you do it once and never again; whatever the reason may be, not that I am condoning it. What I mean is that the person has a one time affair realizes it is wrong and doesn't do it again. Not a justification or that it is any less wrong than habitual cheating.

2) The habitual cheater who cheats in every relationship and can't seem to be monogamus. I think it is almost an addiction. Not that this justifying the act. It is wrong.

I 'cheated' exactly once in my life, which is to say once on one occasion never repeated, when I was 18. How do I feel about this? It's complex; I'll come back to it in a minute.

Forget this "cheater" bullshit. It's a stupid concept... sex isn't cheating.

It is if you have freely agreed to an exclusive relationship. You don't have to agree to an exclusive relationship, of course. But if you do, then you have to stick to what you agreed, just like any other serious agreement you make. It's a matter of honour.

Breaking a commitment is cheating. It has nothing to do with monogamy, it has to do with personal honesty. Not being naturally monogamous doesn't mean that a person can't make commitments and keep them.

All is not fair in love and war.

Exactly.

So, about being 'naturally monogamous'. I believe we're not. None of us are, neither men nor women. Westerners are culturally programmed to monogamy, but that's a different issue. There are several reasons for this cultural programming, but in areas of the world where polygamy and polyandry are practised there are good relationships and bad ones, just like with us.

Many years ago I did a very in depth study of the experience of conflict in small social groups; one of those groups had a fairly formalised group sex thing going, and another had been through a period where most of the couples making up the group had broken up and reformed differently, while one woman in the group was openly and apparently to the satisfaction of all concerned carrying on on-going, long term committed sexual relationships with two men at the same time. The two men were, apparently, friends - they said so, and I observed and interviewed them and her both together and separately - but they didn't share the same dwelling.

I am firmly of the opinion - I have actual hard evidence - that those groups experienced no more conflict than other more conventional groups which were included in the same study, and it is my opinion that in the more complexly bonded groups, the children did better - because instead of having two parents they had a much larger parenting group.

I think polyandry, polygyny, and other forms of sexually bonded multi-partner relationship can be as long term successful and durable as couples can. I think there are real benefits in such relationships, particularly for child rearing.

So, back to 'cheating'.

I've twice been married; I've twice been divorced; and since my second marriage I've had one long term exclusive relationship which has also failed. In that time I haven't 'cheated', and, so far as I know, no-one has ever cheated on me. I've also never gone straight from one partner to another - there's always been at least a year in between.

Does this matter? Is this necessarily a good thing?

I was never a promiscuous teenager. I kind of regret that now. I think promiscuity when young is a way to learn skills about forming and breaking relationships I don't really have. I think some promiscuity is probably an important part of a young person's growing up.

I have a good, married friend with whom I have (when I was single) seriously discussed having sex. She was willing as a casual, one-off thing; and my take on it was that I haven't promised anything to her husband. If she made the choice to break her agreement with him, that was her business not mine. But in the end I didn't do it.

And now I'm seriously considering starting another potentially rest-of-my-life relationship with someone who is very upfront that if we go ahead it's exclusive. I really don't have a problem with that - provided I believe it's the right relationship and will provide us both with the security and emotional and sexual fulfilment we will both need.

But I don't think this is 'natural'. It is, like most other things we as human beings do, highly artificial. This doesn't mean it's wrong. I think lots of different shapes of sexual relationships can be stable and durable, and what in my opinion is important is that everyone is honest about what is going on, and that everyone is ultimately free to openly choose to break the agreement and leave.

So what I'm ultimately saying is that the one form of sexual relationship which I now, with the experience I've had, believe is immoral and wrong is a 'till death us do part' marriage. Oh, and 'cheating'. Whatever agreement you have made with your partner(s), unilaterally breaking that agreement without telling them first is wrong. But it's wrong just because it's breaking an agreement, not for some different, special reason.

 

[bruisedangel]

It's a blanket statement to say that 'once a cheater, always a cheater.' One needs to look at each case on an individual basis. There could be some extenuating circumstances. Not that I'm condoning anything. I've been the cheated upon. I've also been the cheater, once.

I was 22. Things certainly weren't pretty. I was the only one working. I recently had paid for him to get him license, so I didn't have to drive him back and forth to school. I had gotten him work with my father, which he promptly quit. Oh, and he found it rather necessary to be as mean as possible. I had clearly stated that he was driving me away. It's never a good thing when the person gives months and months of warning that they're going to cheat, if things don't change. Things didn't change. I had met someone who was a shoulder a cry on, an ear to bend. I'm not claiming to have been the party in the right. I could have, and should have, done things differently. However, when you repeatedly ask someone to get a job and they won't, when you fight to try and keep said person in college and they drop out, when you ask, cry, beg time and time again to be treated with respect and find yourself hitting a brick wall, something will break. Hence, I cheated. This doesn't mean that it's something I would do again. It's not something I would do again. I'm far older, and far wiser in my decisions. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do that, again. I couldn't abide in myself. Then again, I wouldn't allow myself to be put into the same circumstances.