Always a cheater?

[HotinWausau]

I keep hearing the saying "once a cheater always a cheater".
So I am curious...Is there anyone on this board who USE to cheat, but now feels they will never cheat again?

 

[EasyDoesIt]

People cheat because "something" is missing in their primary relationship. That "something" might be mostly in themselves, it might be shared in the relationship, or it might mostly be their partner.

"Once a cheater always a cheater" is oversimplifying what underlies cheating. Some people never cheat in their first marriage...but they do cheat in their second marriage. People can stray once, and remain faithful for 35 years thereafter.

We have been misled by allowing fidelity to define the quality of a relationship. jmo.

 

[SweetErika]

I've known people who have cheated once or had an affair with one person and not cheated again. Sometimes it's just a temporary lapse in judgment or the circumstances of the relationship at the time make cheating very attractive, but values, regret, guilt, improving the relationship, etc., keep the person from doing it again.

More and more, I think it's an issue of values and personal integrity. When someone really values love, honesty, their partner/relationship and themselves and has a good grip on reality, they don't see cheating as a viable option. When one or more of those important pieces is missing, cheating is easy to rationalize away with things like:
Just this once...
My partner will never find out or be hurt by my infidelity.
What s/he doesn't know can't hurt her/him.
S/he is forcing me to cheat by denying me XYZ.
I just can't help myself.
etc.

And because a lot of people don't readily analyze themselves, their behavior and want to work on their issues, it's quite common and easy for them to just continue cheating and making excuses. Cheating (for most) is far easier than really thinking about what's wrong with us/our relationships, being (often painfully) honest with ourselves and our partners and doing the long, difficult work to make those things better, whether that means some type of therapy or getting out of a relationship that's simply not working for us.

So, I don't think the "once a cheater, always a cheater" adage is true, but it sure seems like cheaters find it easier to cheat again than solve the problems that are making them prone to cheating in the first place. Perhaps, "once a cheater, more likely a cheater again" is more accurate.

 

[satindesire]

I believe it's true, just because in my past, I've had a lot of trouble with it and I struggle with fidelity myself. All of my partners have cheated as well.

Staying monogamous is very difficult, it helps to have honest and frank, open, sexually truthful communication in order to surpass the feelings of wanting to stray.

 

[EasyDoesIt]

While monogamy seems to be a culturally valued behavior, it's obvious that people frequently are not monogomous. What is the value of monogomy and what is it's origin?

Our nearest primate relatives are not monogomous by nature. Monogomy in nature is fairly rare. Monogomy was not always practiced in the Old Testament. By nature, we are not monogomous.

Many people live unhappy and angry trying to be monogomous. Would it be better to just be loving and caring and accept our natural horniness? What's so bad about that?

Honesty and compromise in relationships on this subject would go a long way to lowering relationship stress. Cheating does not make someone a miserable, worthless spouse any more than a monogomous drunk is an excellent spouse.

We really need to rethink the role of monogomy in our lives.

 

[4freedomstantra]

Cheating can get you into trouble. Because if someone knows that you are a cheater it shows that you have broken their trust. Once that trust has been broken it will takes time to get it back.

 

[PertPerth]

As a woman, I value monogomy. I would like to have children and I would prefer that they (my children) didn't have to share their father with another family. I like the idea of my partner/husband coming home each night to me - and only me. I like the idea of knowing that I'm not going to get a disease from him (from him sleeping with other women).

My ex (who cheated) was very much in the "I can't help myself" mindset. After he confessed to cheating, I found it almost impossible to trust him - especially as he was honest in saying that he "can't guarentee it won't happen again". It was hurtful emotionally, but the real killer was the "ew, please don't touch me I don't know where you have been" feeling I got. So while we tried to work things out...we broke up soon after.
I have a female friend who is the same - she LOVES boys, flirts with them all and "can't help herself" by snogging or sleeping with them (and cheating).
I have a couple of friends who cheated once - and not ever again. Both of them "came to their senses" and decided that they really didn't want to mess up the relationship they had.

So the short answer to the "once a cheater always a cheater"? I think it depends on the person.

 

[satindesire]

While monogamy seems to be a culturally valued behavior, it's obvious that people frequently are not monogomous. What is the value of monogomy and what is it's origin?

I'm not sure what the origin is, but the value of monogamy is a lesser chance of contracting STDs, and ensuring your genes are the ones that are passed onto the next generation. Also, some people need monogamy to feel emotionally and physically secure.

Our nearest primate relatives are not monogomous by nature. Monogomy in nature is fairly rare. Monogomy was not always practiced in the Old Testament. By nature, we are not monogomous.

Many people live unhappy and angry trying to be monogomous. Would it be better to just be loving and caring and accept our natural horniness? What's so bad about that?

for some people, yes, but not for all. Obviously.

Honesty and compromise in relationships on this subject would go a long way to lowering relationship stress. Cheating does not make someone a miserable, worthless spouse any more than a monogomous drunk is an excellent spouse.

We really need to rethink the role of monogomy in our lives.

I don't agree that monogamy is the problem with our lives. The trouble is when a person who cannot be monogamous gets into a relationship with someone who expects it.

Honesty and self awareness will end this problem before it begins.

 

[pussy_liquor]

I did~~never again!

 

[suggestivetongue]

I have yet to decide if what I'd done was cheating or not. Usually I come to the conclusion that it was emotionally cheating, since we never really did anything physical with each other outside of casual flirting. Though how it affected the relationship I was in, made me realize that it wasn't the right thing to do. I don't think I could do it again. There are better ways to handle situations like that, and at the time I didn't see them.

 

[SweetErika]

I believe it's true, just because in my past, I've had a lot of trouble with it and I struggle with fidelity myself. All of my partners have cheated as well.

Staying monogamous is very difficult, it helps to have honest and frank, open, sexually truthful communication in order to surpass the feelings of wanting to stray.

Do you think your belief helps or hurts your ability to stay away from cheating?

For instance, if I had cheated in the past and believed people who cheat will always cheat, I can see feeling like cheating was part of my identity and that might almost give me permission to cheat again ('oh, it's just who I am, and while I can try to not cheat, I'm probably always going to go back to it').

OTOH, I feel too guilty to cheat, but I know I'm not happy being tied to monogamy for the rest of my life. If I didn't have the guilt, integrity and values that I do, I'd probably be a habitual cheater. Knowing this about myself makes me work harder to be honest, communicate and compromise with my partner; all of that makes cheating a non-option.

While monogamy seems to be a culturally valued behavior, it's obvious that people frequently are not monogomous. What is the value of monogomy and what is it's origin?

Our nearest primate relatives are not monogomous by nature. Monogomy in nature is fairly rare. Monogomy was not always practiced in the Old Testament. By nature, we are not monogomous.

Many people live unhappy and angry trying to be monogomous. Would it be better to just be loving and caring and accept our natural horniness? What's so bad about that?

Honesty and compromise in relationships on this subject would go a long way to lowering relationship stress. Cheating does not make someone a miserable, worthless spouse any more than a monogomous drunk is an excellent spouse.

We really need to rethink the role of monogomy in our lives.

That may be (though Satin made excellent points), but the debate isn't over monogamy, it's over cheating. They're two very different things.

If one can't be monogamous with a partner who wants monogamy, they shouldn't commit to monogamy in the first place, or maybe they should tell their partner and end the relationship, if necessary. That person would be better off in a relationship that doesn't expect/require monogamy.

Lifetime monogamy isn't my thing, but I don't say I'm going to be monogamous and then go out and cheat when I find someone I really connect with. I'm honest with my partner and we decide together how to be responsibly nonmonogamous, if that works for both of us.

 

[satindesire]

Do you think your belief helps or hurts your ability to stay away from cheating?

For instance, if I had cheated in the past and believed people who cheat will always cheat, I can see feeling like cheating was part of my identity and that might almost give me permission to cheat again ('oh, it's just who I am, and while I can try to not cheat, I'm probably always going to go back to it').

OTOH, I feel too guilty to cheat, but I know I'm not happy being tied to monogamy for the rest of my life. If I didn't have the guilt, integrity and values that I do, I'd probably be a habitual cheater. Knowing this about myself makes me work harder to be honest, communicate and compromise with my partner; all of that makes cheating a non-option.
*snip*

It helps my ability to stay away from cheating. I know that even in good relationships, and even good people stray. It's human nature to have a lack of self control, so I always keep in mind how it feels to be cheated -on-, so I don't stray.

 

[WriterDom]

There was a time when I fucked women just because I could. I wouldn't call it cheating, maybe being a jerk.

I'm sure cheaters can reform but the likelihood of them cheating again is pretty high.

 

[HotinWausau]

I can see a person falling into a one time affair, then feeling guilty, regretting it, and never do it again. I think having a conscious, values and morals plays a big part.
But what about the guy who tells a woman she is his one and only, but repeatedly finds other woman to be with whenever his girlfreind isn't around?
I guess I would consider this guy to have no moral conscious.

Is a man with a history of years of cheating on several different girlfreinds, ever going to have the moral conscious to stop?

 

[SweetErika]

Is a man with a history of years of cheating on several different girlfreinds, ever going to have the moral conscious to stop?

Perhaps, but probably not. He's likely a habitual cheater because he feels it's okay/excusable on some level, doesn't have much of a conscience or has some other serious issues. Or, maybe he's just not the monogamous type and he doesn't know how to deal with that in a constructive way (e.g. being clear about his nonmonogamy from the start so his potential partners can decide for themselves) or is unwilling to do so.

He could stop if he decided to change his beliefs and fix his issues, but otherwise, he'll likely continue to cheat and rationalize it away.

 

[cromsgirl]

only once

When I was a freshman in college, my boyfriend accused me of cheating repeatedly ( I was 16 hours away). I wasn't, but I got so tired of defending myself and not being believed that I decided to go ahead and do it. I didn't really feel guilty, but I didn't tell him. We broke up shortly after that. I felt that if I was going to be blamed anyway, I might as well have the fun of what I was accused of. That being said, I have never cheated on anyone else, nor had the urge to. I have been attracted to men other than my husband, but use the feelings and fantasies to fuel sex with him. Sometimes I share the fantasies and turn him on too

 

[WCHSP]

Forget this "cheater" bullshit. It's a stupid concept... sex isn't cheating.

There is, however, a relevant boolean (true or false) by which to describe people...

Some people are monogamous; others are not.

That has nothing to do with gender or sex or anything. Some men are and some aren't, some women are and some aren't. Someone who is not naturally monogamous will always want to fuck other people. Someone who is monogamous will only want to fuck one person at a time. That's just how it works.

The problem in our society is the assumption that those who are not monogamous need to play by the rules of those who are. The problem in a lot of "sexually liberated" groups is the reverse, the expectation that through logic, the monogamous types can be convinced to play by the rules of the non-monogamous. Both are bullshit.

Be honest about who you are and what you want. Know yourself, and don't be afraid to tell your partners about that. If you're like me and you aren't naturally monogamous... for fuck's sake don't enter into a goddamn monogamous relationship! "Look, I love you and I think you're really hot, but I'm just not into exclusivity. I want you to be my lover, but you've gotta be okay with me fucking other women too."

All's fair in love and war.

 

[Bokimbol]

While I agree that alot of people will always cheat, I believe that there is at least an equal number of other people that cheated because of the circumstances they were involved with at the time. So I guess if were dealing in absolutes I would have to say no your statement is not true. Nothing in life is black and white. Just different shades of gray.

 

[HotinWausau]

I agree cheating isn't about having sex with other people.
It's about having sex with others while IN a relationship where the other is expecting faithfullness.
If you can't be monogamous, don't pretend that you are.
If a person is lying about sex with others, then it IS cheating!

 

[njgirl0863]

I believe there are two types of cheating.

1) The kind where you do it once and never again; whatever the reason may be, not that I am condoning it. What I mean is that the person has a one time affair realizes it is wrong and doesn't do it again. Not a justification or that it is any less wrong than habitual cheating.

2) The habitual cheater who cheats in every relationship and can't seem to be monogamus. I think it is almost an addiction. Not that this justifying the act. It is wrong.


I am a monogamus person and can not comprehend how you can be in a relationship with two different people at the same time; whether it be strictly sexual or both committed emotionally and sexually.

I didn't even date for several months after my ex husband and I separated. I felt it wasn't appropriate because I didn't have that piece of paper saying I was no longer married. A little extreme, maybe, but I feel good about myself and my choices.

 

[PinkBunny4]

The rules need to set forth in the beginning. To some, the sexual deviation of just porn is seen as a violation (probably not around these parts ). I think that I would be more hurt by a guy emotionally cheating on me, because sometimes sex happens.
The maturity of the relationship also plays a huge part. Cheating when you are young and stupid shouldn't count into the 'once a cheater..."
Communication is key to all problems.... especially this one

And to answer your question, I have cheated, But I probably won't do it again. But that's not to say that it wont ever happen again.

 

[ChasingShadowsX]

Cheating can get you into trouble. Because if someone knows that you are a cheater it shows that you have broken their trust. Once that trust has been broken it will takes time to get it back.

sure does.

 

[Paxter]

Cheating can get you into trouble. Because if someone knows that you are a cheater it shows that you have broken their trust. Once that trust has been broken it will takes time to get it back.

Can you ever get it back??? I was cheated on and to be honest I don't think I will ever trust that person again Theres always a question in the back of my head.

 

[Username_In_Use]

I've only ever cheated once and that was with my bitch of an ex who treated me badly for over 2 years before I considered cheating.

 

[Jack_Samuel]

I believe there are two types of cheating.

1) The kind where you do it once and never again; whatever the reason may be, not that I am condoning it. What I mean is that the person has a one time affair realizes it is wrong and doesn't do it again. Not a justification or that it is any less wrong than habitual cheating.

2) The habitual cheater who cheats in every relationship and can't seem to be monogamus. I think it is almost an addiction. Not that this justifying the act. It is wrong.

Good call njgirl

the old saying the op mentioned generalises way too much. People cheat because something is missing. as i have quoted in number one something was missing in the relationship

number 2 something was missing in them but you cant simplify cheating to the extent of once a cheater...