Alternative to "That night"

[8letters]

I'm revising a story and one thing I've noticed is that I use "that" too much. It's invisible to me as I read, but when I search for it in my text, I've got it everywhere.

One thing I've done several times is to show some action during the day, have a scene break, then start the next section with "That night".

When I picked up Sierra at the library, we discussed the next challenge - her buying a car.
:
"How about this. This car is dependable. I'd like a nicer car when I go away to college." I had been accepted to a nice state university two-hours away for my junior and senior years. I had saved quite a bit of money for finishing college. I had bought this car when I had turned sixteen. It had a lot of dents, cracked fiberglass and paint smears from me learning to drive by braille too many times, but I had maintained it well during those four years and it was quite reliable. "I'll sell it to you for a good price and buy a new car."

"You'll do that for me?"

"Sure."

* * * *

That night, I had a pillow waiting for Sierra when she came into my room. She laid down on the covers next to me. I started stroking her back.

Is there some alternative to "That night" is the above excerpt?

 

[SimonDoom]

Use a phrase that refers to some other event, like "After dinnertime" or "At bedtime". Or say something like "Later, after sundown . . ." or "When she was ready for bed . . ." Pick another event that will help you describe when the narrative resumes -- whatever makes sense in the story.

 

[HandsInTheDark]

It's not that bad a usage, unless you open every section with it.

The first question is, does the reader need to know the time? Come to think of it, do they need to know about the pillow? Let's assume the pillow is important:

I had a pillow waiting for Sierra. She walked in, smiled, and immediately curled on it, next to me. I started stroking her back.

If the time is important...

I had a pillow waiting for Sierra. She walked in, shivering, and immediately curled on it, next to me. I started stroking her back.

"Cold out this evening," she murmured, pressing against my hand. "Mmm, that feels good."

Be careful when you weave details into dialog though. In that last sentence there's a hint of self-justification - maybe she wants to believe she only likes the backrub because she's cold. Or maybe she's not really the sensualist I just made her sound like. You can give a lot of hints in dialog... and sometimes you can give incorrect hints unintentionally.

 

[sr71plt]

I

Is there some alternative to "That night" is the above excerpt?

There doesn't have to be. That use of "that" (like the one I just keyed) is a different use from the one you (and others) are using too much. This use is as a clarifying adjective. No reason to try not to use it. The troublesome use of "that" is usually its use as an unnecessary clause beginner ("the car that I bought" can just as easily be "the car I bought").

 

[8letters]

There doesn't have to be. That use of "that" (like the one I just keyed) is a different use from the one you (and others) are using too much. This use is as a clarifying adjective. No reason to try not to use it.

Thanks for this.

Are you saying that when I use "that" to refer to some idea or event that I described earlier, it's okay? Like I said, it's invisible to me when I read it because I plunk the idea or event in where I have "that". Can you point me to something that explains this some more? I googled "that clarifying adjective" and came up with nothing relevant.

The troublesome use of "that" is usually its use as an unnecessary clause beginner ("the car that I bought" can just as easily be "the car I bought").

I confess to doing this. One of the reasons I search specifically for "that" in my stories is to delete the times I use it as an unnecessary clause beginner.