Alone Thoughts...

[Limbhugger]

When I sit alone...

I am anxious. I don't know why. I want and need but am not sure what for. Is it her touch? Is it the laughter of my children? Is it contentment? Is it dirstraction? I don't know.

There are of course times of crystal clarity but I speak not of those times but of the others that seem to haunt me. "Haunt" being a relative word used for description as at times my anxiousness is fun and fancy, but other times it is not.

Sometimes, my mind plays with me. It wants for me yet denies me. It shows me what is real yet teases me with what isn't there. My mind conjures images of perfection yet reminds me of despair.

I am stable, adjusted, and comfortable. I have seen the raw, the bad, the good, and the honest. I have experienced it all. Nothing shocks me any more.

I can taste love on my tongue. I know it's wonderful silky texture and it feeds my soul. So why do I sometimes find myself retreating into my thoughts? I don't know why. Sinking into myself and not always wanting to know why. Like a bird on a perch I sometimes just sit and do nothing more. Quiet and contempt.

Yet at other times, the anxiety rages and speaks to me. It demands attention and I know not why. I haven't the drink the quinch it's thirst. And then I think of her. She who knows me and understands. She who has seen me through the brutal times and always gave her love.

The plumbing needs fixed, the truck repaired, the laundry needs doing, and my boss is pressuring me.

Memories of things I'd rather not remember come slowly seeping in like tiny feelers from an established root. I cannot rid myself of the root, and at times I fight the feelers. So I must learn to build around it.

Anxious. Anxiety. Fear without reason. Tension. Sometimes I am angry she isn't there when I need her to be, even though she can't be. And like a snared cat I claw at her. But she sees it and cares for me. She reacts sternly or quietly. It just depends. She reminds me who I am and what I am.

She makes me whole again.

I sit alone. But soon she will be here to make it all right and comprehendable again.

 

[Vixandra]

*hugs*
I understand the "alone" thoughts that run through you, can't figure out why. Why is my thinking so dark, despair so close to the surface for no obvious current reason?
I find a hug from one who gives a damn about me helps leaps and bounds.

 

[JupitersGirl]

I sit alone. But soon she will be here to make it all right and comprehendable again.

And that, I'd assume, makes the rest bearable.

 

[dragonlace]

When I sit alone...

I am anxious. I don't know why. I want and need but am not sure what for. Is it her touch? Is it the laughter of my children? Is it contentment? Is it dirstraction? I don't know.

There are of course times of crystal clarity but I speak not of those times but of the others that seem to haunt me. "Haunt" being a relative word used for description as at times my anxiousness is fun and fancy, but other times it is not.

Sometimes, my mind plays with me. It wants for me yet denies me. It shows me what is real yet teases me with what isn't there. My mind conjures images of perfection yet reminds me of despair.

I am stable, adjusted, and comfortable. I have seen the raw, the bad, the good, and the honest. I have experienced it all. Nothing shocks me any more.

I can taste love on my tongue. I know it's wonderful silky texture and it feeds my soul. So why do I sometimes find myself retreating into my thoughts? I don't know why. Sinking into myself and not always wanting to know why. Like a bird on a perch I sometimes just sit and do nothing more. Quiet and contempt.

Yet at other times, the anxiety rages and speaks to me. It demands attention and I know not why. I haven't the drink the quinch it's thirst. And then I think of her. She who knows me and understands. She who has seen me through the brutal times and always gave her love.

The plumbing needs fixed, the truck repaired, the laundry needs doing, and my boss is pressuring me.

Memories of things I'd rather not remember come slowly seeping in like tiny feelers from an established root. I cannot rid myself of the root, and at times I fight the feelers. So I must learn to build around it.

Anxious. Anxiety. Fear without reason. Tension. Sometimes I am angry she isn't there when I need her to be, even though she can't be. And like a snared cat I claw at her. But she sees it and cares for me. She reacts sternly or quietly. It just depends. She reminds me who I am and what I am.

She makes me whole again.

I sit alone. But soon she will be here to make it all right and comprehendable again.

Thank you for putting it into words, makes it more bearable at times

 

[Crimsongator]

The fact that Her touch is what dispells your Lonelyness, speaks well of your soul.

 

[Guest]

*hugs*
I understand the "alone" thoughts that run through you, can't figure out why. Why is my thinking so dark, despair so close to the surface for no obvious current reason?
I find a hug from one who gives a damn about me helps leaps and bounds.

*sigh*

Know that one - am perilously close to it now.........

 

[Vixandra]

*sigh*

Know that one - am perilously close to it now.........

*hugs* You need one too!


Yeah- I'm in a huggy mood- lack of sleep'll do that to me, LOL.

 

[Guest]

*hugs* You need one too!


Yeah- I'm in a huggy mood- lack of sleep'll do that to me, LOL.

Thanks for the hug dear - *sigh* Yeah, I know that one - have not been to sleep and am about to head for work.
Again.

 

[Vixandra]

Thanks for the hug dear - *sigh* Yeah, I know that one - have not been to sleep and am about to head for work.
Again.

That I understand far too well. THough for me going to night shift solved most of those problems.

 

[Limbhugger]

When she's here I am contented. Calm. Assured. Sometimes I still feel anxious even when she's present but with her here I know I can adjust. I know I'll be okay.

I cringe at the thought of her sharp nails raking down my tender milky white thighs and over the soft flesh of my belly. I shudder when I realize she has the need to hurt me. But yet the idea excites me, reassures me, secures me.

I need her to hurt me. I need for her to get it out of herself. To use me for her outlet of anger and frustration. I need for her to pull from me all that is building within and through her journey all that is within shall be freed.

She takes me yet she gives to me. A strange dance that transends words. She hurts me and heals us both.

The sharp intense pain of the strap pulls out my cancerous demons and flushes her body with refreshment. Her nails on my skin cause me to dance to her rhythmic needs. In her release I find solace.

Together in this odd mixture of perverse wonder and raw love do we find sanctuary. Seperate we're alone and without. Together we are fulfilling and complete.

Want becomes need and need becomes want. My needs are blurred in her presence. I'm left feeling raw, open, simple. All I know is I just need. I need for her. I need for it all to be soothed. I need even if it is just briefly to be mired in the hurricane of lust, submission, passion, and fullfilment.

She completes me and I hate when she isn't near me.

 

[AngelofJustice]

but what if "she"........ never comes?
what is like to wait like that?
what if the only person that seems to understand you suddenly leaves..... then your completely alone....
or worse yet, what if they find someone else? someone better? someone who will never love them the way you did, and they will never understand that.... but yet they spend all their time pawning over something that is so wrong......

Very few things in this life are worse than death,
But being alone is one of them...

there are 2 sides to every coin, and I'm glad yours landed in your favor.

 

[brattybytch]

I saw this and thought

what a wonderful place to express how I feel.

Loneliness; a pain sharp and deep that cuts part of me away and leaves behind a only a husk, a shell, a portion of what i once was.

It is not that i am alone. I cherish my ability to be alone and painfree. I treasure the stability and calmness that descends upon me like a cloak or a shawl of comfort...when it is just me, by myself. No one to blame me or make me feel like I am less than human, less than a woman, less then the person that should be shared with.

Now I have discovered loneliness. I knew it not, before. The absence of that one bright spot, that i looked for and thought i had found in another, is gone. That place that always feels abandoned, alone, abused, scared, childish, hurt...well that place has been re-opened, exhumed, exposed...like a wolf with her throat bared to her alpha. I am lonely. Beyond lonely...i am scared and scarred.

There is no trust, no truth, no justice in this world. My friends know not. They do not comprehend the depth of my sorrow and for that I am glad. For that, i give thanks, for that i pray nightly. I do not want their pity, their words of comfort, their songs of healing. I want to wallow in this pity...at least for a bit longer. To abrade myself against the agony of lonliness.

Until finally, i learn that to be alone...once more...is all I need. No one can hurt me, no one can harm me. NO one can make me cry.
It is enough.

 

[Vixandra]

Hugs for AngelofJustice and more hugs for bratty along with a cuddle.
I understand lonliness, the feeling of it eating at your soul through day to day life. Surrouned by strangers and occasional friends yet still alone on that intimate level. Longing for someone to share it, your hopes, your dreams, your twisted reality. And yet, no one comes, so you pray, beg diety for relief from this sorry as the world's cruelty eats away at your sense of self. Desprately seeking that which you cannot find.
Then finding it- at last. But there's a catch- that one belongs to someone else, so you mourn, heart having seen the light only to be denied it, hurting worse then before for now you know what the light is like.
They say to love and have lost is better then having never loved before. They lie.

But determination, persistance, trusting yourself to go for it all, risk your heart and soul for the light bearer- keeping the hope. Catching the light bearer, bringing him to you, falling in love, lust, friendship, whichever you choose to call it. That makes all the pain and heartache and mourning worth it. There is always hope, even when the darkness highs the light, covers reality in a cruel blanket, the light bearer can shine through it, can lift you from the hellish world and into a better one you've created together.