Alone at last

[Bachlum Chaam]

I have a story I would like feedback on titled Alone at Last in the Erotic Couplings category,any an all feedback would be much appreciated,preferably constructive or ego massaging works too as its my first.....http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=86640
Thank you for your time
Bachlum Chaam

 

[Guest]

That was sweet!

Lovely little story.

 

[hiddenself]

Sorry, no massage on this one...
You obviously put some work in this one, but the result is still poor IMO. I found it rather flat and uninspiring.

First of all, this is one story whose title is deceiving. They'd been "going out for two months," so they must have been alone quite a few times already. "At last" also implies obstacles to their being alone (which does not seem to be the case here).

They both worked hard and had only just started any intimacy this day.

So what if they "worked hard"? They worked so hard that they couldn't find a couple of hours to fuck in 2 months? Yeah, right.

And when you write "had started intimacy this day" (started intimacy? huh?), you imply that they had already slept together already. I doubt that's what you meant.

Carol had come to meet John for a meal after work.

For a "meal"? Who uses that kind of expression? I'll come over for a meal. Meet you at... for a meal. Don't think so. It's either for breakfast or for lunch or for dinner or whatever. But for a meal?

Although you have very few grammar and spelling errors, the sentences are so dry as to verge on the unreal. Subject, verb, object. Period. Subject, verb, object. Period. That's great elementary school writing. It does get a little more ambitious in the sex part, but it's still painfully dry. Technically correct for the most part, but far from literary.

A serious beginner's mistake: probably more than half of your sentences start with "he" or "she." Yikes.

And finally, the plot itself is unremarkable. Why is this any different than a million other stories out there? Sexual acts in and of themselves make for very boring reading. There has to be some twist, some tension, something to grasp the reader's fancy. There was no such thing here.

I'd advise you to be more ambitious next time. Use richer sentence structure or more dialogue (if you're having trouble with dry narrative), try to give some depth to the story, inject some complications in the plot. That kind of thing.

hs