almost ready to cheat on wife

[curri91]

I need some help ladies. I love my wife but she never wants to have sex. She says it is not me and that she is just always tired or sore from work. I have tried everything to get her aroused. I have drawn baths for her, made her dinner, cleaned the house (all the time), massaged her from toes to head, put the kids to bed, let her take naps when she gets home from work. I have even lost a bunch of weight 60lbs coming down to a trim 165 etc. etc. etc. Im at my whits end and I am just about ready to start cheating on her. I love my wife very much but I must have sex more than once a month!!! What would some of you suggest that I do to get her in the mood? Please help!

 

[Native Alien]

just my opinion here

but have you tried to talk to her about this? most will say that is the place to start.

communication is the place to start. tell her that you are unhappy and why. don't do it in a threatening manner.

don't do it when you are in bed either. either take the kids to a sitter or take the wife out and have this talk. you want to do it when there are the least distractions.

 

[Eric623]

Masturbate! Seriously, learn to make love to yourself. Take it slow and easy, discover the secrets of your body. Long intense masturbation sessions will take the edge off and relieve the tension in your relationship.

 

[peachykeen]

well it's really hard to give advice knowing really so little of the situation, but NA is right about communication. But pleae bear in mind that how you communicate what you are feeling is going to be crucial.

For example, if you say "Look I am tired of doing all this shit for you and not getting any, we're either going to fuck more or I'm going to find it elswhere"...that's probably not going to work.

But, "Honey I really love you and it makes me sad that we don't have a level of physical intimacy that allows me to show you how beautiful and sexy and desirable I think you are," might get you further.

The thing is, do you want to be having sex with her, or do you just want to be having sex?

And, for heaven's sake, consider counseling. If she will not agree to go with you, go by yourself.

 

[curri91]

Thanks for the reply!

Yes we have sat down and talked about this. She just tells me that's all I think about. She has even made jokes about this. We have seen a marriage counselor about 3-4 years ago and it seemed to help. Except that it bothered her alot because the counselor seemed to take my side.

 

[curri91]

I do masturbate to take the edge off of it. It is really not helping anymore.

I have tried talking with her nicely about this. Don't get me wrong everyone. It's not that I don't get any sex it's that I do not get enough sex. The sex we do have is usually pretty good just not enough of it. Here is how I know how often. I buy a 3 pack of condoms it will last me more than a month. It happens about once maybe twice a month. How often do any of you get it from your S.O. ? Maybe the amount Im getting is normal. We do have kids so sometimes it is really , pardon the pun, hard to get together.

Please keep the replies comming. Thanks all!

 

[SXCRgirl]

Communicate .. communicate ... communicate. I can't stress it enough. Do not cheat on your wife. If you feel that you've exhausted every avenue, then take it to the next level. I believe that your sex life mirrors the quality of your relationship. So, the problems are deeper than just *we're not having enough sex or she's just never in the mood*. It says something about your relationship.

Please consider seeing a counselor. If she won't go with you, go for yourself.

 

[huskie]

Been there and done this........

Comunicated my butt off to......

The one phrase that I used that realy got my wifes attention wasn't "I'm going to start cheating on you!" but was "You are killing OUR marriage!!"

If I had said the first then the fight would be over right then and there. The secound realy hit home to her to do some thing about her lack of sex drive.

It worked for me.... some anyway.. Things are not the way I want them to be but they are better.

 

[Native Alien]

i would also suggest that maybe a physical is in order. not knowing the age of your children, is it possible that there could a medical reason that she doesn't want sex? if so, then make the doctor's appointment, go with her, and take her out somewhere nice after the fact.

leave the kids overnight with the grandparents, and have a day and an evening to yourselves.

if that one fails then maybe the huskie approach is warranted, but i would leave that one until the very last thing that you try.

 

[Hairgrip]

Hum

Hello.

I am probably just repeating much of what has already been written: communicate, take *non-sexual* time together (sans children) and don't resort to infidelity!

What I'd like to add though is that my friend and I (we're both girlies so our perspective may be a little different) have had a brief chat about this problem. We have concluded that counting the number of times you have sex may be putting preasure on your wife. It is very frustrating if you are your partner have differing frequency requirments, but looking else where is not appropriate. She may (having had kids) feel uneasy about sex, feel that she is no longer sexy or simply not have as high a sexual drive as u do.

In short relax the pressure, have a time out chat and don't get to the point where whenever you have a kiss or a cuddle she suspects that you will start on the 'bedroom tactics'.

Pob Luc.

H

 

[Ezzie]

Just taking a shot in the dark here, but, is she on any medication? Sometimes medicine will reduce a sex drive and make you feel a lot more tired and it drains you of any energy you might have left after work and taking care of children.

Just a thought...

 

[capricious_chic]

One thing that I don't think has been mentioned is.. has your sex lives always been such? or is it just recently? Perhaps her sex drive is just much lower than yours. There really are people that only desire sex occasionally.

If you had a voracious sex life, and it has dwindled down to nothing.. then yes there is a problem. Although, again, it could just be that as she gets older (no ages have been mentioned), she just desires less. Perhaps when you have talked to her, she has not realized the seriousness in which you are taking it.. ie the jokes of you wanting sex all the time. I would agree with many others that you need definite time along together.. sans kids, and sans pressure. Find ways to rediscover your sexuality as a couple. Also, medical check ups are a most if you haven't done so already. Discuss the issues with a good OBGYN that you both feel comfortable with. I am sure you will find out that this problem is not uncommon, and they may have some good, viable suggestions for you both.

 

[Puppi]

Sex once a month?

Consider yourself lucky. I have not had sex since last Christmas. I can't even remember the last time my Fiance went down on me. He even pushes my head away when I try to blow him. Talk about not having a sex drive...

It's killing me!

 

[Native Alien]

not a how to, just an observation


i have recently had a conversation with several friends of both sexes and various stages of committment to others. one of the things that have come up is the state of marriage and how sexual compatability is a big part of marriage.

i know that with the ex and i, one of the biggest problems that i had was that i wasn't getting enough sex. it ended badly and not for that reason alone, but that did tend to play into the final decision.

 

[BustyTheClown]

Communicate .. communicate ... communicate. I can't stress it enough. Do not cheat on your wife. If you feel that you've exhausted every avenue, then take it to the next level. I believe that your sex life mirrors the quality of your relationship. So, the problems are deeper than just *we're not having enough sex or she's just never in the mood*. It says something about your relationship.

Please consider seeing a counselor. If she won't go with you, go for yourself.

Great comments, SXCR -- I couldn't agree more. There is something more going on in your relationship that you two need to take a look at. It may very well be that she is going through something mentally/physically/emotionally that she doesn't quite know how to put into words or know how to talk to you about. She may not even realize she's going through something. You don't seem to think that any of the changes are the result of your acting any different, and although you may be biased, too, it suggests that your wife is the one having the serious trouble, not you. (Not that not getting sex isn't serious trouble -- I'm talking about on a deeper level here.)

I say try the marriage counseling again. Talk about more than just sex, because there's something else going on underneath the surface. Also, get rid of the notion that there are "sides" in this issue -- perhaps the reason your wife was uncomfortable with the last counselor was because you both got the impression that he/she was "taking sides." Try and find someone who will be more objective and work with you both.

Best of luck to you -- I know that a poor sex life must be a terrible experience for a man or a woman, but once you open the lines of communication and really start getting honest with each other and yourselves, things should turn around.

 

[curri91]

I really appreciate all your GREAT comments on this subject! You have all given me different perspectives on this and thinking back during our counceling she had told me she felt pressured because it was such a large problem in our lives. I do not want to cheat on my wife and honestly, it scares the crap out of me anyway. I love my wife very much. I will try some of everyones suggestions and possibly try counceling again or at the least another sit down with her. Just to answer some questions. I have asked her to talk to a doctor about this but she has not really given any feedback on this other than to tell me too much stress not enough rest. She may very well think that I expect sex when I do those nice things so in her mind Im doing it to get a little. I will need to watch this. My wife is 34 and so am I. We have been together for 13 years now. Her sex drive was great until we got married in 1993. I feel we communicate better than most not as good as others. As I once heard some where , "you can not solve a problem with a problem". Oh wait I think I said that! Thanks all!!! I will try again before I make a BIG mistake!

 

[littlecat]

I am wondering about the type of birth control she is using (if any) I know there are some types of the pill (Tri-Phasil to name one!!) that will kill sex drive over time!! Both my sisters were on it, both experienced the same thing!! I had friends at Uni that complained of the lack of sex drive too- they were all on the Tri-Phasil, or related Birth Control Pill....

If you can fit it in, try and ask if she thinks it could be the kind Of Birth control she uses.... Well, that's assuming you use it that is!!

Puppi..... I've been there, done that.. I't never easy.

Curri91, hang in there!!

L.

 

[curri91]

My wife quit using her birth control because that was part of her problem.

And actually I would like every one to know I finally got some yesterday morning after her and I talked. So hopefully everything will be ok. Thanks for all your suggestions on this matter!

 

[Puppi]

I wish you good luck in having a sexual relationship that stays. Sounds like you two are well on your way now.


~Puppi

 

[Native Alien]

good luck and remember to communicate with her.

it is the basis (along with truth and honesty) of a life long relationship.

 

[lovechild27]

Sex isnt purely physical. Im sure you look great, but she may not be mentally turned on. Talk to her...tell her how sexy you find her...how hot she makes you. Talk to her about this. Tell her you are feeling sexually frustrated with the relationship. Dont cheat though...you will be throwing everything away. I dont think "BUt I didnt think you wanted any sex" isnt going to make cheating forgiveable. Dropping hints doesnt work. Be in your face brash and COMMUNICATE with her. Tell her what you want and need. Make this as clear as humanly possible. If that doesnt work, try therapy. If that doesnt cure all, accept things arent working and look to divorce.

 

[baumer64]

Unfortunately I have to say I know excatly how you feel curri91. I'm lucky if we make love once a month let alone twice. When we do, I feel sometimes that she is being selfish. I say that because I'm the one doing all the touching, massaging etc. It seems the only time she is in the mood is when she is ovulating. (She says sex takes away some discomfort she has at that time.) I love to go down on her and she enjoys it when I do, but she rarely if ever will return the favor. When she does give me a BJ, she won't let me cum in her mouth anymore...when it gets to that point, she pulls away and just uses hand. To the ladies, I'm assuming that would be like going down on you and getting you to the brink, then backing off and just inserting a pinky to finish you.
It wasn't always like this...when we first started out together, her sex drive was stronger than mine! She wore me out!

I love her very much and would never cheat on her...she says she just doesn't have the drive any more. I'm very frustrated too, and beating off in the shower just doesn't replace making love. We've talked, but obviously we need to talk some more and possibly seek a counselor.

Sorry to ramble on, I just saw this topic and thought I'd express my frustration.

 

[Random Variable]

For what it's worth, my wife and I are going through this as well. We've been seeing a marraige counselor for about 8 months--cleared away a lot of relationship stuff before getting to the sex stuff. We were lucky to have sex once a --- year! That is still going on, but we have moved on to sex therapy.

When we went to the m.c., we hadn't had any sexual contact for about 26 months (but who's counting!)

When we started the sexual therapy, however, success came fast. Our counselor used the step by step Kinsey technique. It sounds pretty mechanical, but it worked for us. It starts out with two weeks of non-sexual, non-erog. zone touching, each party taking turns--first for the toucher's pleasure, then for the touchee. Gotta do it 15 min per night. No kissing or other stuff allowed. Then two weeks, 15 min per night of touching, taking turns who gets/gives pleasure, erog. zones OK, no sex. Then after that, sex if you like

Explained to me this way: sex is an >involuntary< response. A person can't force themselves or somebody else to feel sexual attraction or arousal. So you have to creep up on it to restore that reflex, which has disappeared in your wife/husband/s.o. . I also think that in a way, this recreates those teenage years when you could touch--but only so far.

Things aren't perfect yet, but they are better.
Good luck,
R.V.

 

[Lust Engine]

It's actually nice to see someone trying to stay within their marital vows as opposed to asking the general public for "permission" to cheat on their wives. It's nice to know you still love your wife. Seek the counselling that you need; hopefully she'll come around and realize how much this hurts you. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Good luck!

 

[Native Alien]

just my opinion

I happen to agree with Lust Engine on this one. It sure restores

one's hope that maybe marriage isn't an institution that is on its

way out.