Allow me to introduce myself, I am a man of wealth and taste.

shawnkeith

Virgin
Joined
Jul 29, 2002
Posts
9
Well, taste, anyways.

Images and words blend together on the page and the story goes in directions with just the slightest steering thought.

Three chapters of Barbara's Story are posted already for your enjoyment
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=56913

I want to publish an erotic book. My secret fantasy is to make a living doing this. Ideas bubble up in my mind and flow out my finger tips.

I am putting myself to the task of becoming the best erotic writer I can be.

I am hoping that you dear reader will have plenty to say to me. I would love to hear your feedback.
sk :cool:

shawnkeith2002@yahoo.com
 
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My secret fantasy is to make a living doing this. Unfortunately, there is about as much chance in that as my other fantasy of two girls at one time.

There might even be better odds in the two girls at one time, because *no one* makes their living doing this. Not unless you live in a cardboard box.
 
Well, i supose for now, it's a good thing this is a hobby.

However, whether, one is successful or not depends on a number of factors. These would include how involving the stories are, which is tied closely to how well the stories are written, how broad their appeal, and also how determined and resourceful the author. Have you read my stories?
 
My advice for suck cess : Lose some of the self-conscious idioms, copy the top stories, which are mostly pretty simply told.


Also a number of typos like extra "an" and "a" here and there need to be cleaned up. e.g. -- "Such a great cums!"

"clitty" -- makes story humorous. Did you want that?

"Barbara, a recently divorced redhead" -- seems lazy, you seem to be providing a pretty trite description. Take a little more time to describe her, or don't even bother with the color of her hair in the introductory sentence.

"with no little bitterness of soul" -- You're padding the story in a way that seems like an affectation. "bitterly" would do.


"fucking it like she'd never fucked anything before" -- "anything" seems joky, not sexy; reminds me of "as big as a big thing"

"enjoyed the glowing residue of her orgasms" -- makes it seem like some kind of radioactive sludge. Residue is not the right word here.

You describe the color of the dildo fifteen times. We get it already! It's black, you know like black guys have!


So I think Less words, more heat.
 
Your advice is well taken and appreciated.
An old english teachers words ring in my ears, "Revise, revise, revise." Thank you for your insights. sk
 
Glad you can take a little criticism. I am an amateur writer, like you. So please don't think have all the answers. I just have opinions!
 
I appreciate your stepping out there and taking on providing feedback. That is a valuable service. I value the feedback that you gave me. If you are open to a suggestion, I have one. It is this, and I would not offer a suggestion that I wouldn't take myself! In your feedback mention what you liked or found strong about the person's writing. That's the honey. Then, mention the things you thought could be improved, offer suggestions like you did to me. That's the caster oil. (Hee-Hee) Then offer a little more honey, some more stuff you liked and the specifc improvements that taking your advice would make in that writer's writing. Then, take a step back and if they spew you can rest assured that you did everything you could to make the feedback palatable.

ps. It's OK if they get a litle stomach ache. No pain, no gain.

Your friend and fellow erotic writer, Shawn Keith

shawnkeith2002@yahoo.com :p
 
Well, I did feel a little bad, I am usually a bit more parsimonious with my criticism.
 
I appreciated that you were specific. That helps a lot.

Specificity, no matter how many words used, can make the difference between useful and useless feedback.

Quoting from the story - Great Idea!

Counting how many times I said black dildo - Great Idea!

Note: I am not trying to justify how many times I used black to describe the dildo here, I will revise the story to reduce the number. However, I believe that mentioning that the didlo WAS black heightens the erotic appeal of the scene, especially because Janine bought the dildo b/c it reminded her of her fantastic fuck with Mike.

Again, you were specific in your feedback and I appreciate that. That gives us the basis we need to have a effective and productive conversation.

Anyone who values editorial assistance will recognize the value and intent of your words when your are specific.

Good Job!

sk :p
 
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A couple of hints.

The comma is your friend, please don't neglect or abuse it. If you don't have a grammar and punctuation guide, purchase one. Like a dictionary and thesaurus, no wannabe professional can live without one. Specifically, you should look into commas, semi-colons, hyphens, and dashes.

Passive voice is not your buddy. Passive *yawn* voice is going to move you from the slush pile to the reject pile. Purchase Strunk and White's Elements of Style. You can find it free online, but life's easier with book in hand. You can study it in the bathroom, too. http://www.bartleby.com/141

Descriptive narrative is a necessary evil that should be edited out whenever possible. It's boring and no one wants to read it. There are times we must because clarity is necessary, but if you can put the information out in any other manner, please do. See Elements of Style. Here's an example:

"Barbara's top didn't fall. It clung to her large breasts and Janine took the fabric and began to uncover her friend's breasts. Barbara's breasts were milky white and speckled generously with freckles. Her had areolas were large, pink, and very sensitive. Barb's nipples were erect and aching for attention, too. She had always had sensitive breasts. In fact, there were times when she was able to orgasm just by playing with her breasts."

I noticed it because I stopped reading your story right about here. While the average man finds the breast to be titillating, there's only so much boob description he wants to get into before he's wanting to know what she's doing with them. You don't have to contend with boob (and most other body parts) description in only your own stories, but with the description that they just read in someone else's. These things all run together after a while. There are only so many ways to describe a breast.

Adverbs are the enemy. The story is Jurassic Park and adverbs are the velociraptors. Kill them before the multiply. Adverbial phrases are the nice T-Rex at the end. Good for killing velociraptors, but also good for killing stories, too. If something is worthy of descriptive modifiers, go whole hog and use the T-Rex. Better yet, if you can finesse it, use action or dialogue. The only reason to keep an adverb is if there is just absolutely no other possible way to describe something and it must be described. See Elements of Style.

Attributives are also the enemy. They're like adverbs only worse because people actually think they need them. You don't. Attributives are "said" words. Fired, counseled, chimed, replied, offered, complained, responded, reported, added, ad naus-- ad nasue-- ad nuas-- etcetera. Use action or props to clarify who is speaking. If you must use an attributive Strunk recommends that you stick with said. I believe that the extremely sparing use of attributives like whispered and yelled can be effective.

If you just can't control yourself and you're a modifier whore, pay your mother-in-law ten bucks for every attributive and twenty for every adverb. You'll be better off. Well you won't be, but your story and your mother-in-law will be.

Proper names are a no-no. Every use of a proper name outside of dialogue creates narrative distance. You aren't thinking: "shawnkeith is reading this and muffin is full of crap. shawnkeith thinks muffin should shut the fuck up and that the other guy, josh, should start in. Josh has some really good things to say about shawnkeith's story." Characters are people, too, and they think just like you do. In pronouns. In third person you pick one character's point of view (your current choice is the absolute worst, the narrator) and run with it. Pronouns are cool

"Barbara's top didn't fall. It clung to her large breasts and Janine took the fabric and began to uncover her friend's breasts. Barbara's breasts were milky white and speckled generously with freckles. Her had areolas were large, pink, and very sensitive. Barb's nipples were erect and aching for attention, too. She had always had sensitive breasts. In fact, there were times when she was able to orgasm just by playing with her breasts. Her top dropped to the floor and Janine moved closer until there breasts were pressing together. Janine's hard brown nipples burned into Barbara's large, pink, sensitive areolas. Janine's tongue sought Barb's and they played together ducking, diving, caressing, and sucking each other. Janine rubbed her breasts into Barbara's sensitive flesh. "

Let's play edit!

"Her top didn't fall. It clung to her large breasts and Janine took the fabric and began to uncover her friend's breasts. They were milky white and speckled generously with freckles. Her boobies had areolas were large, pink, and very sensitive. Her nipples were erect and aching for attention, too. She had always had sensitive breasts. In fact, there were times when she was able to orgasm just by playing with her breasts. Her top dropped to the floor and Janine moved closer until their breasts were pressing together. Janine's hard brown nipples burned into her large, pink, sensitive areolas. Janine's tongue sought hers and they played together ducking, diving, caressing, and sucking each other. Janine rubbed her breasts into Barbara's sensitive flesh."

Of course, if I see the word "breast" again, I'll beat you with a cyberstick. Repetition is not your friend.

This is just me, but I could have done without the bookcover blurb in italics at the beginning. This information is better worked into the story rather than just presented. It gets a lot of info across, gives you background, but it's not as interesting as figuring it out yourself.

When a person who plans to pay you for your writing looks at your story, they do not read the whole thing to reject it. They read the first paragraph and if it captures interest, they'll read the first page or so. You'll be rejected 9 times out of 10 on the first 5000 words or so. Depending on the size of the work, of course. Short stories are bought and sold on the hook alone, sometimes. Conventional wisdom says that hooks should not begin with dialogue.
 
Wow, the wealth of advice you packed into you that reply was incredible. Thank you!

Some of it, I got right away. The rest I will have to ferret out later. I like the point you made about using action to tell the story, particularly, the descriptions. I try to avoid the passive *yawn* tense. It looks like I can do a better job of that. I need to and will revise stories more before I post them. Doing this shoud be particularly effective when I incorporate the points you have made.

I do not think negatively of you or your advice. In fact, I am grateful. I am a 'big boy' able to handle anything that anyone says to me at most anytime.

I appreciate your quoting a passage and then rewriting it to illustrate your point, too.

Thank you, Killer Muffin. sk :p
 
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