shereads
Sloganless
- Joined
- Jun 6, 2003
- Posts
- 19,242
February 06, 2004
MAHER: All right. It is time for this week's New Rules!
All right. New Rule: If everybody was wrong about the weapons of mass destruction, then somebody has to say, "My bad." When Bill Clinton was in the White House, we investigated his business partners, his wife's business partners, the guy who was governor after him, the girls who did him, his travel agents and the guy who cut his hair. For some reason, the two words this president just can't seem to say are "Sorry" and "nuclear."
Something is terribly wrong when the only person who has been fired over terrorism is me.
New Rule: Stop scaring us with diseases we will never get. First, it was SARS, then it was monkey pox, West Nile, and now Asian bird flu. Which doesn't scare me because I'm not a sparrow in Thailand. Mysterious Asian diseases just don't come knocking on your door unless you're Neil Bush.
New Rule: Update the Hajj. Every year - every year, the words "Islamic" and "stampede" seem to appear in the same sentence when millions of Muslims descend upon Mecca to observe what's called the Hajj.
I don't understand Arabs. You've got most of the oil in the world, and your religion involves walking? Next year, I want to see a looser Hajj with a cooler name like "Allah-palooza.
SULLIVAN: You're just going to get bombed.
MAHER: That's going to happen, yeah.
MOSELEY BRAUN: Sorry.
SCHNEIDER: They don't get your show on Al-Jazeera-
MAHER: I hope not.
New Rule: Stop running TV ads I don't understand. You've seen this one for IBM? I don't know if it's for weapons of mass destruction or a stool softener. Then there's the one with clouds moving in fast motion and some Buddhist monks on a cell phone, and then James Earl Jones comes on and says, "We're the world leader in virtual network upstream data retrieval." What? Hey, fuck you! You know what? I watch TV to see bimbos marry strangers for money. If I want to be confused, I'll take mushrooms.
And finally, New Rule: Southerners have to at least consider voting for candidates from the North. North Carolina Senator John Edwards has a powerful argument in his bid to be the Democratic nominee when he says, "What I give people is a candidate who can win everywhere in America." Translation: "We Southerners ain't gonna vote for no Yankee." "You suckers up north will take our Clintons and Carters, but we just ain't buyin' Kerrys and Deans."
And that's a shame, not just for Democrats, but for democracy itself. And I feel bad for the millions of intelligent people who live in a region still dominated by so much prejudice that anyone who wants to be president better have a twang in his voice and pronounce all the "e's" in the word "shit."
I'm sorry, but responding only to people who look and sound like you is small-minded. So if Southerners don't want to have an inferiority complex, I say, stop doing things that make reasonable people think you're inferior. Like getting rid of slavery was a good start. But don't stop there. Stop being the place that's always challenging the theory of evolution.
What's next to challenge? Gravity? Is that just a plot by the Jews up north to get people to drop spare change?
And I like the South. I love to party there. But Southerners need to let go of the Civil War, beginning with those re-enactments. First of all, you're re-enacting something you lost. It's one thing - it's one thing to gloat about victory, but when you do it about losing, your front porch is a few couches short of being decorated.
The time has come to move on. The time has come to consider - just consider - voting for a Yankee. Howard Dean's Vermont and John Kerry's Massachusetts are no longer where carpetbaggers come from. Carpet munchers, yes. That, we have established.
But there is-
SCHNEIDER: Hey, HBO, baby!
MAHER: But there is no good reason that America, at this late date, still needs to be a house divided. At bottom, we all want the same things: dignity, security and someone to slap the shit out of Janet Jackson.
Bill Maher for President.
-SR
MAHER: All right. It is time for this week's New Rules!
All right. New Rule: If everybody was wrong about the weapons of mass destruction, then somebody has to say, "My bad." When Bill Clinton was in the White House, we investigated his business partners, his wife's business partners, the guy who was governor after him, the girls who did him, his travel agents and the guy who cut his hair. For some reason, the two words this president just can't seem to say are "Sorry" and "nuclear."
Something is terribly wrong when the only person who has been fired over terrorism is me.
New Rule: Stop scaring us with diseases we will never get. First, it was SARS, then it was monkey pox, West Nile, and now Asian bird flu. Which doesn't scare me because I'm not a sparrow in Thailand. Mysterious Asian diseases just don't come knocking on your door unless you're Neil Bush.
New Rule: Update the Hajj. Every year - every year, the words "Islamic" and "stampede" seem to appear in the same sentence when millions of Muslims descend upon Mecca to observe what's called the Hajj.
I don't understand Arabs. You've got most of the oil in the world, and your religion involves walking? Next year, I want to see a looser Hajj with a cooler name like "Allah-palooza.
SULLIVAN: You're just going to get bombed.
MAHER: That's going to happen, yeah.
MOSELEY BRAUN: Sorry.
SCHNEIDER: They don't get your show on Al-Jazeera-
MAHER: I hope not.
New Rule: Stop running TV ads I don't understand. You've seen this one for IBM? I don't know if it's for weapons of mass destruction or a stool softener. Then there's the one with clouds moving in fast motion and some Buddhist monks on a cell phone, and then James Earl Jones comes on and says, "We're the world leader in virtual network upstream data retrieval." What? Hey, fuck you! You know what? I watch TV to see bimbos marry strangers for money. If I want to be confused, I'll take mushrooms.
And finally, New Rule: Southerners have to at least consider voting for candidates from the North. North Carolina Senator John Edwards has a powerful argument in his bid to be the Democratic nominee when he says, "What I give people is a candidate who can win everywhere in America." Translation: "We Southerners ain't gonna vote for no Yankee." "You suckers up north will take our Clintons and Carters, but we just ain't buyin' Kerrys and Deans."
And that's a shame, not just for Democrats, but for democracy itself. And I feel bad for the millions of intelligent people who live in a region still dominated by so much prejudice that anyone who wants to be president better have a twang in his voice and pronounce all the "e's" in the word "shit."
I'm sorry, but responding only to people who look and sound like you is small-minded. So if Southerners don't want to have an inferiority complex, I say, stop doing things that make reasonable people think you're inferior. Like getting rid of slavery was a good start. But don't stop there. Stop being the place that's always challenging the theory of evolution.
What's next to challenge? Gravity? Is that just a plot by the Jews up north to get people to drop spare change?
And I like the South. I love to party there. But Southerners need to let go of the Civil War, beginning with those re-enactments. First of all, you're re-enacting something you lost. It's one thing - it's one thing to gloat about victory, but when you do it about losing, your front porch is a few couches short of being decorated.
The time has come to move on. The time has come to consider - just consider - voting for a Yankee. Howard Dean's Vermont and John Kerry's Massachusetts are no longer where carpetbaggers come from. Carpet munchers, yes. That, we have established.
But there is-
SCHNEIDER: Hey, HBO, baby!
MAHER: But there is no good reason that America, at this late date, still needs to be a house divided. At bottom, we all want the same things: dignity, security and someone to slap the shit out of Janet Jackson.
Bill Maher for President.
-SR
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