Alaskan Winter

[Genrus]

Hi all! i have a bit of a predicament in my marriage and I'd love to hear your opinion of what I might do to resolve this. I'm happily married, a few great kids and financially stable. My wife is attractive but just doesn't believe it when i tell her that she is. Over the years i've tried boosting her self esteem but she just puts off my comments and says something self depricating. Even when men (and even women from time to time) have checked her out, she seems oblivious.
Before marriage, I had a great sex life - a handful of partners - each one more mutually gratifying than the next. Early in our marriage our sex life was adequate, but as we grow older she seems to become more and more fridgid. I've been told that i'm attractive. I like working out nad try to dress nicely. I have a powerful job and take my responsibilities seriously. I travel frequently and have had many chances to cheat, but I have never done so. I love my wife but I'm losing my mind!

I want to help her to grow into her sexuality. I don't need her to compromise herself or anything, but I need more intimacy than a quickie once or twice a month.

What on earth is going on with this woman??? And what do I do to bring her back?

Thanks in advance,

Russ

 

[Genrus]

Oh well - it was worth a try

 

[Starbuck69]

Hi all! i have a bit of a predicament in my marriage and I'd love to hear your opinion of what I might do to resolve this. I'm happily married, a few great kids and financially stable. My wife is attractive but just doesn't believe it when i tell her that she is. Over the years i've tried boosting her self esteem but she just puts off my comments and says something self depricating. Even when men (and even women from time to time) have checked her out, she seems oblivious.
Before marriage, I had a great sex life - a handful of partners - each one more mutually gratifying than the next. Early in our marriage our sex life was adequate, but as we grow older she seems to become more and more fridgid. I've been told that i'm attractive. I like working out nad try to dress nicely. I have a powerful job and take my responsibilities seriously. I travel frequently and have had many chances to cheat, but I have never done so. I love my wife but I'm losing my mind!

I want to help her to grow into her sexuality. I don't need her to compromise herself or anything, but I need more intimacy than a quickie once or twice a month.

What on earth is going on with this woman??? And what do I do to bring her back?

Thanks in advance,

Russ

The wife and I went thru some thing close, then we found out she was going thru menopause, then she started getting help with it and things got better, I dont know how old the two of you are but check out power-surge.com and see if she is having any menopause issue's.

Other wise is she going thru more stress or has been tired or depressed, all of these can lower her sex drive as well.

 

[Honeybee80]

You need to sit her down and tell her honestly what you just said here. That you love her and find her very attractive but you're being driven to the point of thinking about having an affair because she isn't giving you what you need. Ask her to go to a couple's/ sex therapist with you. Buy some books on how to improve your love life (The Long Weekend is a good one for reestablishing intimacy).

If you're out of the habit of touching outside of a sexual situation... start offering to give her backrubs. Don't attempt to make this into sex... it may very well end up there, but don't push it. I know that there have been lots of times my husband has offered to give me a massage when I'm stressed and tired and I go into it felling very unsexy and by the end of 20 minutes or so I'm ready to go.
Hold her hand when you watch tv or drive together. Offer to do the dishes.
Buy her small presents. When you're out of town for your job, arrange to have flowers sent to her.
Write long love letters to her once a week. (This one really works, find me a woman who doesn't like getting love letters) You can start slow and then make them a little racy.
When you're out of town, call her and ask her to have phone sex with you.

One last thing.. if she is going through menopause, she needs help. Even if it's just in the very early stages. Estrogen effects the way women feel touch. I learned this by taking the shot as a form of birth control, it totally upset my hormonal balance and everytime someone touched me I felt like I was going to be sick. If my husband hugged me I felt that "I need to tell an adult" feeling. It was awful! and it took a long time for it to level off.

I think my biggest point here is when women get to the point where they no longer enjoy sex, it's hard to get back to a place where they do. It takes a lot of work. If you really love your wife you should be willing to do this work.
When you discuss this with her, you shouldn't make it about your sexual needs. You should tell her that having sex is a way for you to connect with her and feel close to her. Tell her you miss having that level of closeness.


Sorry to have rambled on and on... I've taken quite a bit of cold medicine.. so I hope this makes sense.

 

[buxxxom]

Oh well - it was worth a try

Don't be alarmed. The boards are generally not frequented as much during the weekend as they are during the week. You'll get lots of replies. As for me, I need to think about what I'd like to say before I try to type it out. So, I'll be replying soon.

 

[Monazwx]

The title threw me a bit as well.

Kudos for wanting to make it work with your wife.
(I don't have anything much to add aside from that.)

 

[Genrus]

Thanks

Thanks to you all - this is very insightful and (I hope) helpful stuff. I think that we're probably a little young for it to be menopause (she's 37), but it is certainly a consideration. I love the idea of bringing back some of the little things - writing letters, a nice touch, etc. I suspect that it is here that I may be able to do something.

I'm usually pretty good about bringing flowers home from time to time, and certainly the bigger events like birthdays and anniversaries never go neglected (in fact, i tend to go overboard). But I have certainly lost sight of much of what I did in the early years. I was once a much better letter writer, and I'm affraid that I've let it slide. Whether you like him or not, there's a great book of letters from Ronald Reagan to Nancy called "I Love You, Ronnie" - he was a frequent traveller as am I, and he always made a point to writer his wife. Of course letters aren't the only thing, but they're a great start, and i know for a fact that my bride has kept every scrap of paper that I've ever addressed to her.

Funny - i think that the lacking sex is more a byproduct of some bigger concerns. It isn't nearly as much about sex a it is about staying connected.

 

[tanyachrs]

If your pre-marriage sexual relationships were each more gratifying than the last, why'd you marry the one where sex was only adequate? Obviously there were other things about her you thought were more important than sex. Better stick to those or get divorced. It's a pretty basic rule that you will never have any more sex in a relationship than you're having right now.

 

[Monazwx]

It's a pretty basic rule that you will never have any more sex in a relationship than you're having right now.

That's a bit harsh (and untrue).

 

[FurryFury]

Her self image and value are down. It's hard to convince her of how you see her because you have a vested interest. She'll likely assume you are just being nice or are blinded by love or interest in sex.

What she needs is for you to continue with your ways of showing your appreciation of her and more.

She needs to find something in her life that makes her feel valuable and attractive to people who have no investment in her. A job, among other things, could help with this.

Nothing can replace frank discussion between two people who care for one another either. Silent suffering leads to nothing good in a relationship.

Fury

 

[Genrus]

If your pre-marriage sexual relationships were each more gratifying than the last, why'd you marry the one where sex was only adequate? Obviously there were other things about her you thought were more important than sex. Better stick to those or get divorced. It's a pretty basic rule that you will never have any more sex in a relationship than you're having right now.

A little extreme, I would say. But I suspect you're just making a point. I married her because sex isn't all that there is to a good marriage.

 

[Genrus]

Her self image and value are down. It's hard to convince her of how you see her because you have a vested interest. She'll likely assume you are just being nice or are blinded by love or interest in sex.

What she needs is for you to continue with your ways of showing your appreciation of her and more.

She needs to find something in her life that makes her feel valuable and attractive to people who have no investment in her. A job, among other things, could help with this.

Nothing can replace frank discussion between two people who care for one another either. Silent suffering leads to nothing good in a relationship.

Fury

Well spoken! You definitely hit the nail on the head when you noted that she doesn't hear much of any compliment I give - she invariably tells me i'm biased.

You guys all ROCK! Thanks!

 

[Genrus]

The title threw me a bit as well.

Kudos for wanting to make it work with your wife.
(I don't have anything much to add aside from that.)

Thanks Mona - I'm in this for the long run, so I just want to keep working on it.

 

[FurryFury]

Well spoken! You definitely hit the nail on the head when you noted that she doesn't hear much of any compliment I give - she invariably tells me i'm biased.

You guys all ROCK! Thanks!

I'm glad it resonated with you. I was only speaking from my experiences. I'm glad my husband keeps trying. It's mattered a lot to me, even if I couldn't internalize it.

It seems counterintuitive that your opinion would hold less impact than a stranger but for some reason that's how it works for me.

I LOVE that my husband loves the way I look, think and so on. Still, his view seems biased and unrealistic to me.

When a stranger with nothing to gain says something or shows appreciation it feels more real.

Weird eh?

Fury

 

[Cathleen]

Welcome to Lit, Genrus.

Has your wife lost interest in affection as well? Does she show affection towards you? It seems as if you're okay on that front (well, except that letter writing ; ) ).

I ask because we all have a language about what kinds of things/actions/behaviors show love to us. It's like our own personal vernacular if you will. I may do something that I think will show my love for him but it might not say that to him and vice versa. I'm thinking like a 'play book' sort of thing. I need to know what will show him I love him and I want him to know what I think/or do that will show love.

Not to take the beauty out of love or to take fun and spontanity away but have a firm base on which to build or even a 'catch me if I'm falling' base. A place we can regroup and to feel safe as a couple. If we both speak the same language we might feel more secure in our love and relationship.

Fears, doubts and insecurities are common to all of us. It's great you do your best to reassure her that she is attractive and you desire her, that is not always easy when met with continued doubt - good on you. Maybe you could incorporate some nonverbal things that will show her of your affection, using that 'play book' so it's clear to her (even if you think it's nutty!).

Bottom line, men and women think differently from each other (yeah, big surprise right?), so knowing if you do X her mind is assured of your love.


(It's almost 4am and I'm plum out of mental energy but hope a part of that made sense.)

 

[Genrus]

I'm glad it resonated with you. I was only speaking from my experiences. I'm glad my husband keeps trying. It's mattered a lot to me, even if I couldn't internalize it.

It seems counterintuitive that your opinion would hold less impact than a stranger but for some reason that's how it works for me.

I LOVE that my husband loves the way I look, think and so on. Still, his view seems biased and unrealistic to me.

When a stranger with nothing to gain says something or shows appreciation it feels more real.

Weird eh?

Fury

Thanks Fury - you've really captured it. I could give her all of the compliments in the world, but I'm her husband - that's what I'm supposed to do!

Oh, by the way, I just read some of your stories - I was going to try to get some work done this morning, but, after reading your stuff, I'm affraid that may be wishful thinking!!! At least I have the internet to help me find release! LOL!

Russ

 

[Genrus]

Welcome to Lit, Genrus.

Has your wife lost interest in affection as well? Does she show affection towards you? It seems as if you're okay on that front (well, except that letter writing ; ) ).

I ask because we all have a language about what kinds of things/actions/behaviors show love to us. It's like our own personal vernacular if you will. I may do something that I think will show my love for him but it might not say that to him and vice versa. I'm thinking like a 'play book' sort of thing. I need to know what will show him I love him and I want him to know what I think/or do that will show love.

Not to take the beauty out of love or to take fun and spontanity away but have a firm base on which to build or even a 'catch me if I'm falling' base. A place we can regroup and to feel safe as a couple. If we both speak the same language we might feel more secure in our love and relationship.

Fears, doubts and insecurities are common to all of us. It's great you do your best to reassure her that she is attractive and you desire her, that is not always easy when met with continued doubt - good on you. Maybe you could incorporate some nonverbal things that will show her of your affection, using that 'play book' so it's clear to her (even if you think it's nutty!).

Bottom line, men and women think differently from each other (yeah, big surprise right?), so knowing if you do X her mind is assured of your love.


(It's almost 4am and I'm plum out of mental energy but hope a part of that made sense.)

Cathleen,

Thank you for all of the thought that you obviously have given me on this issue. There are so many great people here - i am really grateful for all of the insight.
You are right in that she hasn't completely lost the desire for affection. Lately, i've been showering her with gifts, large and small, just to keep her attention. On our recent anniverssary I gave her quite a rock to wear through the day as a reminder that I love her.
Now, i think that I just need to keep building on some of the momentum that is starting. Patient, but persistent - not pushing too hard, but just being available.
I'm intrigued by your comment about nonverbals. Ironically, we can be a pretty touchy couple - though not in a sexual way. Is this what you were referring to or is there more?

By the way, i also just read a few of your stories. I figured I might take some time to get to know some of the people I'm listenning to - WOW! I really enjoyed "Her Awakening" and must confess that it turned me on more than a little - for obvious reasons, I love the idea of a woman discovering her sexuality. My favorite fantasies surround the idea of my wife in various sexual situations. In fact, in those early years, she was known to flash truckers on the road when we were driving with the top down. Years back I caught her masterbating to a Penthouse magazine - I don't know what she was looking at but I the sight of her reading with her hand tucked into her jammie bottoms was amazing! Could there be anything sexier??? I suppose that is part of the difficulty today - I have so many memories of this fantasticly sexy woman. I just want her back - again, i am confident that, given time, we'll find her together. In the meantime, I have great stories like yours to keep my fires burning

Russ

 

[Cathleen]

Just as Fury said, I'm glad something resonated with you, you're welcome, Russ.

I was thinking about the touch-feely stuff when I mentioned nonverbal things. Being touched is very powerful and no matter if it's nonsexual. In my opinion all touch is intimate. Our mind and body react and to me that deems it intimate.

Touch was one thing I meant by nonverbal actions, sexual as well as nonsexual and why not some sexual touch? Honeybee80, had some great ideas about touch. Sometimes people will 'read into' touching, they might feel pressured for sex by a particular touch which may or may not be the intention of the 'toucher'. Again, communication is key.

Another thing I meant by nonverbal is doing thoughtful things for each other. It doesn't need to be a gift or touch, but maybe picking up the house, folding a basket of laundry, washing and on and on. If your wife is 'in charge' of the home then taking care of a few random responsibilities is very helpful. I think it'd mean a lot to her and perhaps it sends a message of how you care, even if no words are exchanged.

What you've shared about her past behaviors makes me very hopeful for you. You mentioned reading one of my stories (thank you for the compliment), what about sharing some of the stories from here? There are some excellent authors here and it might be fun to pick out some and set a scene at home -- draw a bubble bath, candles, soft music etc and leave the stories for her to read (or read to her if she's open to it), just give her an hour or so of peace -- no phones, no one can talk with her etc., just time to herself.

There are so many ways we communicate and miscommunicate with one another and I know there are tons of books on the topic.

I'm glad you're finding some insights here -- I agree whole-heartedly that Lit has some fantastic people, it's quite a place.

Edit: Can I ask about the title you used for your thread -- the word Alaska caught my eye but as someone said the topic wasn't what they thought. Care to share about the title you used?

 

[FurryFury]

You might check this out and get the book as well. Discusing it with your wife might help you both.

http://marriage.about.com/cs/communicationkeys/a/lovelanguage.htm

I'm glad you liked some of my stories. One of them is true. Other others are fantasies that helped me come for years.

*blushes*

Fury

 

[Genrus]

Edit: Can I ask about the title you used for your thread -- the word Alaska caught my eye but as someone said the topic wasn't what they thought. Care to share about the title you used?

You are again full of great ideas. In fact I have written some stories for her in past when I travelledy and loved sending them to her, knowing that she would masterbate to them. I'll be gone this week on travel. Perhaps I'll write a PG13/R rated one for her.

The title of this thread was intended to be a metaphore for the state of our marital sex life. Perhaps it was a little indulgent!

Russ

 

[Genrus]

You might check this out and get the book as well. Discusing it with your wife might help you both.

http://marriage.about.com/cs/communicationkeys/a/lovelanguage.htm

I'm glad you liked some of my stories. One of them is true. Other others are fantasies that helped me come for years.

*blushes*

Fury

Thanks - I'll check it out.

Now, I have to ask... which one???

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks - I'll check it out.

Now, I have to ask... which one???

Couple's Night Out and it was much harder for me to write than a fantasy.

Fury

 

[Genrus]

....................

 

[FurryFury]

I just read it - WOW! What an erotic story!

*blushes*

Thank you kindly. I'm glad you enjoyed it. We've had other couple nights out since then. Two a year is what we try to do, around valentines and our anni. It really helps to take us out of our familiar routines as much as we love our work, home and family.

Our last few couples night outs were more like three nights!!! I strongly recommend date nights and couple nights out to get back to the romance and eroticism that couples sometimes forget in the grind of our busy day to day existence. It really helps so much to reconnect on a couple or erotic level.

Fury

 

[raspberries]

I think that we're probably a little young for it to be menopause (she's 37), but it is certainly a consideration.

It is not very unusual for women to begin menopause as early as 35. Sometimes there is no diagnosable reason for it to begin early - just a woman's particular biology. Are her periods a little erratic? A common sign of perimenopause is sometimes skipping a period, and then perhaps having two in the same month...another very common cause is tubal ligation. I had my tubes tied the year I turned 33, and by the year I turned 35 I was diagnosed as perimenopausal, as a result of the surgery disrupting blood flow to the ovaries, causing them to atrophy and slowly stop working....