Aggression and violence

[minsue]

I think DrM's turning into Weird Harold. Succinct, yet completely correct.

The Earl

They're both quite right, as usual.

 

[cheerful_deviant]

Eek! I'm a kicker, not a puncher - hurts less

Try kicking a door someday when you're really pissed off that you just locked you keys inside... then realize as your foot hits the door that you're wearing sandals.

 

[shereads]

What's the opinion of the AH. Would it worry you to have a boyfriend who punches inanimate objects (really quite fiercely) when he's frustrated or angry? Would you feel safe going out with someone who you knew was stronger and had shown serious aggression to inanimate objects?

I was with someone who used to vent his temper in physical, impulsive ways that were never intended to do harm, and I never once felt personally threatened. I felt afraid for him, though.

There was an incident when he was angry about something that had happened at work, and while telling me about it he got so overwrought that he drove my new car into a ditch. It embarrassed him more than it scared me, but it was my new car, dammit! (New cars should come with one small scratch and one small dent so that first one as the owner wouldn't be so traumatic.)

The most dangerous thing he did had nothing to do with his temper. He had a habit of falling asleep while smoking a cigarette. He once fell asleep on the sofa while watching TV and burned a good-sized hole in the cushion. People die that way. He was lucky.

I wondered sometimes if they weren't all self-destructive behaviors. It should be easy enough to put out a cigarette when you know you're so tired you'll soon be asleep, shouldn't it? Especially if things catch on fire more than once.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Try kicking a door someday when you're really pissed off that you just locked you keys inside... then realize as your foot hits the door that you're wearing sandals.

I usually use the side of my foot, not my toes. Especially when wearing sandals!

 

[BlackShanglan]

I had a friend who kicked a Coke machine in a fit of pique. Two years, several thousand dollars, two surgeries and some lovely Frankenstein scars later, his knee was mostly functional again.

Shanglan

 

[shereads]

I had a friend who kicked a Coke machine in a fit of pique. Two years, several thousand dollars, two surgeries and some lovely Frankenstein scars later, his knee was mostly functional again.

What was the damage to the Coke machine? Have you no concern for the victim?

 

[minsue]

I had a friend who kicked a Coke machine in a fit of pique. Two years, several thousand dollars, two surgeries and some lovely Frankenstein scars later, his knee was mostly functional again.

Shanglan

Edited to add: for Sher

 

[SeaCat]

In reading this thread I find myself wondering about something. (Okay, several somethings.) Many people here mention they fear a violent person, yet what do you term a violent person? (I'm not trying to be flippant here.) Do you fear the person who can be violent under certain circumstances, yet controlls this violence at other times? For example the soldier who has gone through basic and advanced training? Or even the Police Officer who's help you hope you never have to ask for, but know that it is there when yu need it? These people are trained to use violence when it is needed. Or is it that you fear the person who is violent for their own gain or satisfaction? For example the Abuser. (I readily admit that these examples are not the best, there are too many documented cases of people belonging to both catagories.)

In other words if you and your S. O. were attacked, and your S.O. defended you using violence would you now fear them?

I readily admit to there being a need to be wary of people who seem to take enjoyment from uncontrolled violence, as I understand the worry about the potential for abuse. Unfortunately there are times, even today, when there is a need for violence. (We don't live in a Utopia.)

As for aggression, here too there are times and places for it. (Both physicly and otherwise.) Once again I think it is the question of controll.

So what is it that people actually fear? The person who is uncontrolably aggresive or violent, or the person who is agressive and/or violent but controls it?

Cat

 

[carsonshepherd]

I think the potential for uncontrolled violence is what people fear. Not knowing what the other person might do, if pushed to a certain point.

The key is, not letting yourself get pushed that far.

 

[NoJo]

Any of us who has been involved in S&M knows all about limits and "safe play". Unless you both know the rules, and keep to them, the trust is broken and you have to go find someone else to play with.

There's a weird paradox in potentially violent sex games. You sometimes have to sort of pretend that you "might" violate the rules, without breaking them, to add to the thrill.

Men are used to being tough aggressive guys, or pretending to be tough aggressive guys with each other. But women really don't like it. Very few, anyway.

I think Tonetti the gigolo (Your wife is safe with Tonetti, he prefers spaghetti) in Astaire and Rogers' "The Gay Divorce" summed it up very well , "For the woman, the kiss. For the man, the sword!"

 

[gauchecritic]

Men are used to being tough aggressive guys, or pretending to be tough aggressive guys with each other. But women really don't like it. Very few, anyway.

If you mean women don't like being people being aggressive with them then yes but 90% of Saturday night fights that I've ever witnessed are instigated by women. (Quite often with the woman being aggressor and depending on their male companion to provide the muscle)

 

[NoJo]

We don't get that sort of behaviour in Cheam.

 

[cantdog]

And many young house apes enjoy bar fights, especially if they amuse manipulative young women. These are games, gauche.

 

[gauchecritic]

And many young house apes enjoy bar fights, especially if they amuse manipulative young women. These are games, gauche.

I have no qualms with that, I was merely pointing out that some young women (and not so young women) are actively aggressive even up to and including cat fighting and fist fighting. (nearly put fisting there)

 

[BlackShanglan]

I have no qualms with that, I was merely pointing out that some young women (and not so young women) are actively aggressive even up to and including cat fighting and fist fighting. (nearly put fisting there)

So they don't? Damn.

Shanglan

 

[cantdog]

Yeah, aggressive behavior seems more of a nurture than a nature thing.

Aggressive potential seems like a survival trait; I daresay we all have a capacity to get roused, or we'd have long since gone under. Expressing it publicly or using it threateningly would be a matter of milieu, training, and so forth. And having it under some form of control, a matter of mental health.

 

[sweetnpetite]

I think Tonetti the gigolo (Your wife is safe with Tonetti, he prefers spaghetti)

I gotta ask- what does that mean! And were does it come from?

TY.

 

[tolyk]

I'm a very angry person, but not many people know that about me, in fact noone in this area knows.

I've only hit 2 people, and both of them were in self-defense, though I did fall into a rage and lose control of myself both times. In which case I scare myself, nothing scares me as much as I do myself.

My ex-wife used to goad me into getting angry (and she is the only person who has ever been able to purposefully get me angry). I'm still not certain what she hoped to accomplish by angering me, but in all honesty it took a lot of willpower to not strike her. My wife, the woman I loved beyond belief, purposefully getting me to a point of rage. It hurt, a lot.

At one point, one of the medications I was trying caused me to have random uncontrollable rage attacks. I didn't enjoy the experience at all, but the rush was intense. You gain so much strength when you are enraged.. I would be at work and all of a sudden one of the rage attacks would hit me, and all of a sudden I would be putting more energy into working, finishing things quicker (and still the same quality of work). Once I figured out that I was even having rage attacks, and what was causing them, I stopped taking those meds.

I've always had a good willpower, or so I have believed. I do however strike walls and slam doors on occassion. Mostly when the ex has managed to piss me off again, (over the telephone sometimes) I even have a hole in my wall to attest to it. I've never hurt myself during these times, I don't feel even the slightest amount of pain while angry and can be very destructive.

I don't remember when my last rage attack was, for I have an extremely horrid memory, but I do know it has been quite some time. I don't profess to being less of an angry person, I just haven't been provoked in a long time. I know my anger isn't healthy, and I try not to let others see it, while still letting it out in controlled ways, but it isn't the easiest thing. For those of you who know anything about my life you might understand it a bit.. It is definately not something I am proud of, but also I know that if I was ever attacked, I could defend myself, but I would feel very sorry for the person who attacked me..

 

[Liar]

I guess I should say something, as it was among others a post of mine in another thread that kindof got this going.

I said there that I could not be in a relationshipp with someone who is violent. I guess I also said aggressive, and I stand by that. Agressive as in having a short route to rushing into unnessecary conflict. That's a trait that is often connected to the testosterone overloaded terrirotial minded male, but the behaviour pops up here and there where you least expect it. It's not until you've spent a whole lot of time with somebody that you see how they behave when stressed and cornered, physically, mentally or socially. It's not the ones that back off at that moment and go home punching bags and/or walls that bother me, they clearly show that they got it under some kind of control.

The thing is, I'm not afraid of violent people. I know that I'm big and bad enough (and I fight ugly too) to defend myself if need be. I have friends who are that way, who gets into fights when pressured a little, who lash out more than others. I just find it do be a damn unlovable trait for someone I might spend the rest of my life with.

 

[domjoe]

I gotta ask- what does that mean! And were does it come from?

TY.

It comes from the film SJ mentioned. Erik Rhodes plays Tonetti, an idiotic Italian Gigolo, hired to assist Ginger Rogers in getting a divorce from her English cad of a husband -- up till relatively recently, Britain was a notoriously difficult place to file divorce.

Like The Marx Bros films (because of Chico Marx), Mussolini had "The Gay Divorce" banned in Italy becuase of Rhode's (very funny) ridiculing of Italian men.


DJ.

 

[ChilledVodka III]

This thread is insulting.

 

[domjoe]

So is "Fuck off, you sad little pube."

 

[gauchecritic]

domjoe.

For this specific thread and certain 'confessions'?

Doesn't matter.

Forget I asked.

 

[domjoe]

I'm now wearing two hats. God I feel stupid.

 

[gauchecritic]

Well, you look ok to me.

Take care honey.