Again with the Feedback.

[Sirens Bane]

Okay, some of you may remember my last post, a Nonconsent story. It didn't go over too well. Well, I'm back with another offering, this one a little more whimsical, a lot less violent, and just different in every way, shape, and form.
Anyway, this time it's a story for the Loving Wives section, and it's called Duplicity. I hope you all enjoy it (at least more than the last one), and I hope to hear some more right/wrong.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=126853

 

[Singularity]

A Bit Implausible For Me

I had a hard time with this story, I am afraid. Both with the wording and phrasing, and with the premise of the protagonist leaving his fiancee and becoming a street musician for three months without seeing her at all.

On the day I proposed to Elizabeth Rose Connosint, she said yes. It was the happiest day of my life.

The story starts out a bit awkwardly. It sounds like there is an important connection between the day that he proposed and when she accepted.

We were nearing the end of college, it being May. We were both from wealth, so there was no real reason for either of us to get jobs right away. Or ever, for that matter. So, we decided to wait for a December wedding. I don’t know why we choose to wait for December, but it was a month both of us loved, and I was glad to be getting married to the woman I loved, so the wait didn’t really matter to me..

The phrasing in the second paragraph is also a bit off. Ending the first sentence with ", it being May" sounds backwards. And the statement that you don't know why you waited for the December wedding is followed right afterwards by the explanation - sort of. What is it about December that you both like? Was it the same reason for both o fyou? Different ones? I don't understand the linkage between not having to work (nice gig) and waiting to get married. If it were me, I would use all those months for a long, long honeymoon.

We spent almost every waking hour for the first month together. It was bliss. I say every waking hour because we were both virgins, and had decided to remain so until the wedding night. She because of religion, and me because I wanted it to be extra special for her. She deserved it, and I wanted to give her everything she deserved.

So, one night, I made a decision. I’d never been the most social guy, so I knew there wouldn’t be bachelor party. That was fine; I didn’t want one anyway. Strippers and sex and booze, none of it had been very important to me to that point. Why waste an entire night when I could be curled up with a good book? And I didn’t want to sleep with anyone other than Elizabeth. So, I figured, why not take a short vacation. I knew that Elizabeth was planning a trip to visit her parents (who, unlike mine, were still alive) in England. Her parents had never warmed to me, however, and I didn’t figure they ever would. And I had never gotten along with my brother, Theodore (Tod), who was living in the same neighborhood as Elizabeth’s family, so I hadn’t planned on going.

Instead, I was going to do what I loved best. I was going to spend my last carefree days as a street musician.

This is where I lost interest, I'm afraid. The leap from wanting to read a book on the night before your wedding and then turning that into 6 months as a street musician was too much for me.

I would try reading the story aloud to yourself. That may help find some of the rough spots.


Singularity

 

[Sirens Bane]

I'll have to remember to explain things better, in my next story, and to come up with a better audience hook next time.
Hmmm...dissapointment strikes yet again. Back to the old drawing board.

 

[English Lady]

I agree with singularity about your start,it is shaky,especially that second paragraph.

I read the story through and I quite enjoyed it,I thought it was a very clever idea.


Maybe you should just start at the point where you are a street singer,you could explain the rest as you go. I like the way your character is resisting temptation when unbeknowns to him his fiance is shagging his brother.


All in all not a bad read....just a bit of tweaking needed to make it more readable!

 

[Sirens Bane]

That probably would have been a good idea. Unfortunately, I didn't think of that while I was writing. Or at all, since, technically, you thought of it for me. Still, it's something I'll have to remember for another time.
And I'm glad you at least enjoyed the story, however.

 

[The Erotic Avenger]

Don't listen to the bullshit from singularity. Sure the story could have been better, what story couldn't, but I liked it. I would like to see more of it. The hero needs to do something to the brother. I hope you continue it.