Aftercare

[Kailey_86]

What do you do for aftercare?

How long does it last for?

Is there anyone who doesn't use, believe in, or want aftercare? If so, what DO you like to do after a scene?

When a sub is punished, do Doms still provide any aftercare? i can understand if no aftercare is provided for a physical punishment but what about for psychological or emotional punishments?

 

[Cheshire D]

Yay, something I can actually kinda-sorta comment on! From my POV, submissive.

Personally? I'll either sit and zone and watch a movie, or simple chores...folding laundry while coming down from subspace is actually pretty fun. But the point is I don't do anything that takes much brain power...for me, actually coming down doesn't last long, maybe half an hour, but I'll shamelessly soak up the aftercare for a couple of hours afterwards.

I can't really comment on being punished and aftercare, though I do find I need some sort of affirmation that whatever incident is forgiven and forgotten, so I'll get really touchy-feely....not sure if that counts as aftercare though.

http://forums.randi.org/images/smilies/mazeguyanimals/lion.gif

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I absolutely love that time after a scene... she just curls into me, whilst I hold her as she comes down...

 

[lil_slave_rose]

What do you do for aftercare?

Aftercare for us is alot of snuggling, and soft kisses on my forehead and whispers in my ear that He loves me, and is proud of me.

How long does it last for?

*shrugs* this really depends on how deep in subspace i've gone, or how intense the scene was.

When a sub is punished, do Doms still provide any aftercare? i can understand if no aftercare is provided for a physical punishment but what about for psychological or emotional punishments?

for us, the answer is, yes. that is when i need it more, to be reassured that even though i screwed up, He still loves me and that the punishment is over, etc...

 

[Kailey_86]

This post is a result of something that happened this weekend. i feel like i need to talk about it for some reason. i hope nobody minds.

This was the first time that i have ever really been beaten. i was spanked to the point where i cried. i don't know if i went into subspace or not. i think i got close to it but not all the way there. The aftercare consisted of hugs, the application of a moisturizer, and administration of some advil. This was all i needed, maybe more. What helped the most was the hugs and closeness.

In your experience, does subspace come easier in time?

The other thing that happened was an intensely humiliating event. It was used as a punishment and completely unexpected. i was shocked and furious at J when it happened. When we got home i broke down and started crying. i didn't want to be near J after that. i felt bad for this though. At the same time, i deserved it. It was a huge mental blow and i feel like i am still being effected by it. There wasn't really much aftercare on this one. i don't think he expected me to react the way i did though. i don't really have a point here...i just needed to talk about it i am still shaken from the event.

 

[callinectes]

For us, aftercare lasts as long as he feels like indulging me. Thankfully, he enjoys just being quiet and cuddling so it's not often that I am left wanting more. On the rare occasions he has not provided much aftercare it was sort of a turn-on for me..the whole control thing doncha know.

I have not been punished so I can't answer that one. There was the threat of it once but what he was talking about was really more of a correction than punishment. If I were to be truly punished I don't *think* I would need a lot of aftercare..but I would need a clearly stated message along the lines of "this is done, don't let it happen again, now let's move forward". I feel confident I would not be allowed to wallow in self-pity or guilt, he has no patience for that.

Forgot about subspace..I have not been there as a result of pain, but I am oftentimes in what I believe to be orgasm-induced subspace. Passage of time has certainly made it easier for me t get there mainly because the our relationship has deepened and he knows my responses better.

 

[myinnerslut]

most of the time hell let me curl into him, especially after something that involved pain.

over my past visit though we had a very intense scene, which ended and i was told i had five minutes to be at the door ready to leave. there was absolutly no physical aftercare. we did talk about it and the lack of physical aftercare as we were walking to our destination. (oh, and i was 2 minutes late and as a result had to carry the heavy backpack full of supplies. hmph)

 

[lil_slave_rose]

This post is a result of something that happened this weekend. i feel like i need to talk about it for some reason. i hope nobody minds.

This was the first time that i have ever really been beaten. i was spanked to the point where i cried. i don't know if i went into subspace or not. i think i got close to it but not all the way there. The aftercare consisted of hugs, the application of a moisturizer, and administration of some advil. This was all i needed, maybe more. What helped the most was the hugs and closeness.

In your experience, does subspace come easier in time?

The other thing that happened was an intensely humiliating event. It was used as a punishment and completely unexpected. i was shocked and furious at J when it happened. When we got home i broke down and started crying. i didn't want to be near J after that. i felt bad for this though. At the same time, i deserved it. It was a huge mental blow and i feel like i am still being effected by it. There wasn't really much aftercare on this one. i don't think he expected me to react the way i did though. i don't really have a point here...i just needed to talk about it i am still shaken from the event.

ok, while i'm all for 'punishments' if a trust or rule or whatever is broken, this type of punishment (i read it in your other thread) would not work for me and would defiantly make me furious at P for not only embarrassing me, but for involving the public in our relationship. what exactly was this punishment for?? have you talked to Him about the way it made you feel? about how you are still feeling?

as far as your question about subspace, it's just somewhere my mind automatically goes when the sensations are too much which takes a pretty intense scene with alot of pain for it to happen, so i can't say if it ever comes easier or not, it just happens.....for me

 

[Kailey_86]

ok, while i'm all for 'punishments' if a trust or rule or whatever is broken, this type of punishment (i read it in your other thread) would not work for me and would defiantly make me furious at P for not only embarrassing me, but for involving the public in our relationship. what exactly was this punishment for?? have you talked to Him about the way it made you feel? about how you are still feeling?

as far as your question about subspace, it's just somewhere my mind automatically goes when the sensations are too much which takes a pretty intense scene with alot of pain for it to happen, so i can't say if it ever comes easier or not, it just happens.....for me

i sort of explained what the punishment was for on the other thread. When i started crying at home i went into the other room so he wouldn't see. i guess i was trying to hide and get away for a while. He wouldn't allow this though. He had me talk to him about how i was feeling. i haven't talked to him about how i am feeling about it now. i am just trying to get over it. i don't even know what i am feeling about it. All i know is that i can't stop thinking about it. Every time i think about it i remember how i felt and it's like reliving it. i just want to curl up somewhere and hide.

You mentioned something about trust being broken. He knew that i felt very uncomfortable with this. He wanted to do it as part of play once before but i reacted negatively so he decided not to use it in play. He wants me to enjoy play. This is why he used it as a punishment instead. Neither of us knew how it would really effect me though. i don't blame him.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

i sort of explained what the punishment was for on the other thread. When i started crying at home i went into the other room so he wouldn't see. i guess i was trying to hide and get away for a while. He wouldn't allow this though. He had me talk to him about how i was feeling. i haven't talked to him about how i am feeling about it now. i am just trying to get over it. i don't even know what i am feeling about it. All i know is that i can't stop thinking about it. Every time i think about it i remember how i felt and it's like reliving it. i just want to curl up somewhere and hide.

You mentioned something about trust being broken. He knew that i felt very uncomfortable with this. He wanted to do it as part of play once before but i reacted negatively so he decided not to use it in play. He wants me to enjoy play. This is why he used it as a punishment instead. Neither of us knew how it would really effect me though. i don't blame him.

i'm not saying you should 'blame him' but i do think it may have been a little out of line, if for no other reason, than for involving the innocent and probably quite embarrassed, cashier in your punishment. also as i said on the other thread, i don't believe in being punished after such an intense scene that you described. from what you said the punishment was for, it seems He could have punished you BEFORE the play .... but again, this is just me and my thoughts but i do think you need to talk to him and tell him how you are feeling

 

[Kailey_86]

i'm not saying you should 'blame him' but i do think it may have been a little out of line, if for no other reason, than for involving the innocent and probably quite embarrassed, cashier in your punishment. also as i said on the other thread, i don't believe in being punished after such an intense scene that you described. from what you said the punishment was for, it seems He could have punished you BEFORE the play .... but again, this is just me and my thoughts but i do think you need to talk to him and tell him how you are feeling

Eeek! i wouldn't have been in the right headspace for a scene if he had done the punishment first. Like i said, i didn't want to be near him after the punishment.

i am feeling a little confused about this whole thing because the submissive part of me says that J was justified and i should just take whatever punishment that he thinks is appropriate. The other part of me thinks that he just went too far with this one and that this was all wrong. i don't know.

 

[Netzach]

I totally believe in aftercare. I usually have my shoulders massaged or my feet massaged if I've been playing in heels, sometimes I'm undressed and put to bed, sometimes my hair is brushed, sometimes my butt cheeks get little kisses placed lovingly on each.

Oh, for the SUB.

They get the enjoyment of doing these things, a sincere thank you, sexual activity if I'm hot for their bod, a kiss on the cheek if I'm feeling mellow, and the chance to clean up the array of toys that get flung around.

I don't really believe in it. I believe in not making emotional messes and cleaning the ones that get made, but I don't think that if someone's high in subspace that automatically needs to make me a nursemaid. Attentive common sense and a little hand to body contact is quite reasonable.

Cuddling and reassuring someone I'm incredibly mad at is not healthy for any living thing. I don't do codified punishments, though, so it's not really applicable, suffice it to say that someone who's really angered me is not going to have me soothe them at the same time.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Eeek! i wouldn't have been in the right headspace for a scene if he had done the punishment first. Like i said, i didn't want to be near him after the punishment.

i am feeling a little confused about this whole thing because the submissive part of me says that J was justified and i should just take whatever punishment that he thinks is appropriate. The other part of me thinks that he just went too far with this one and that this was all wrong. i don't know.

i know that feeling well, on both accounts. the one and only physical punishment i have received was the last time he was here, and you can ask him, my mind nor my body responded well to a scene right afterwards. BUT if He feels you need to be punished then maybe the scene shouldn't have been that important and should have been delayed in order to give you the punishment.

as far as Him going to far, you have to remember, he is human. Dom does not equal perfect, and if you think he went to far, then you need to tell Him this (in a respectful way of course) so that it doesn't get repeated. just because you are submissive does not mean you always have to agree that everything he does is right or in your best interest. there have been times that Master has done something that i thought crossed a line, and i've told Him so, and He was glad that i did because He never would have known if i had just gone along with it and He probably would have done it again thinking all was well.

just because we are submissive does not mean we don't' have feelings or negative reactions to things that our PYL's do. but they are not mind readers and they need to know when they've crossed a line.

 

[SweetErika]

What do you do for aftercare?

How long does it last for?

Is there anyone who doesn't use, believe in, or want aftercare? If so, what DO you like to do after a scene?

When a sub is punished, do Doms still provide any aftercare? i can understand if no aftercare is provided for a physical punishment but what about for psychological or emotional punishments?

I snuggle and give him lots of reassurance. Then we usually talk about the scene or related subjects for a while - a bit of a debriefing in a relaxed atmosphere. I also give him anything he might need, like water, a snack or vitamins. I enjoy taking care of him, and don't ask him to do anything for me until he's come down sufficiently.

It lasts for as long as he needs or it feels right. We usually do bigger scenes at night, so falling asleep cuddling is a natural ending.

I've only punished him once, but after that, I told him it was over, I forgave him and hugged and kissed him. We were super-new then, and I made an error in punishing for something that happened while he was in subspace (though it's been an issue for years for us), so we talked about that the next day and what I'd do differently in the future. I haven't done more than minor discipline/correction since, but I still follow through on what I promised even on those occasions, and it's working well for us.

 

[SweetErika]

as far as Him going to far, you have to remember, he is human. Dom does not equal perfect, and if you think he went to far, then you need to tell Him this (in a respectful way of course) so that it doesn't get repeated. just because you are submissive does not mean you always have to agree that everything he does is right or in your best interest. there have been times that Master has done something that i thought crossed a line, and i've told Him so, and He was glad that i did because He never would have known if i had just gone along with it and He probably would have done it again thinking all was well.

just because we are submissive does not mean we don't' have feelings or negative reactions to things that our PYL's do. but they are not mind readers and they need to know when they've crossed a line.

I couldn't agree more, Rose. I mentioned in the post above that I would have done my first punishment a bit differently upon reflection. I could tell there was something off by his behavior afterwards, and when we talked about it, he did feel it was a little unjustified due to the circumstances (not the infraction/principle).

I would have preferred him telling me outright instead of acting differently, and that's what we've agreed upon for the future. I will always give him the chance to voice an objection/consideration before punishing (or even for lesser infractions, as I said), and he's encouraged to do so after, or during our nightly "free" talks.

Of course I still have the right to go ahead even if he has objections or feels it's unfair, but the last thing I want to do is undermine his respect or trust or harm him due to an oversight/error on my part. I felt really bad last time, even though it was a relatively minor mistake and has turned out for the best; him voicing his thoughts to help to avoid that in the future is invaluable to me as his Dominant and life partner.

 

[the captians wench]

Aftercare for me depends on who I am playing with.

I have one friend who is a real sadistic bastard. Aftercare with him usually involes me thanking him, cleaning up myself and maybe the toys, and then if there's another sub around curling up with her and going to sleep. If there's not another sub, then I just sit in a chair with him not far but deffinitly occupied with some thing else. When I have calmed down enough, I'll go over to him, give him a hug and a kiss on his cheek and neck, and then go home.

With a couple other friends, aftercare is sitting and talking about how I feel about what happened.

With Jounar, so far, he'll tell me how proud he is of me, and send smilies while I zone out. Then he'll wait for me to tell him how I'm feeling, and he'll again tell me how proud he is that I could do this or that or went so far or was so brave or what ever. Then I love yous, and he sends me to bed. Sometimes he'll even give me a reward, so many orgasms in a day or one right then with him watching (which actually I enjoy even more that haveing a whole 24 hour pass).

I've only been punished a couple of times, and punishment has not changed our aftercare rutine. Infact I think I need it more. While the punishment he dishes to me is physical, it takes more of an emotional blow to me than physically. I've been beaten to the point where I was bleeding and didn't shed a tear cause it was all good fun. But if it's punishment, I'm in tears from the second smack. So it's more important, for me to have that reasurance that "hey I still love you and think you're a star" in that moment when I'm feeling like I'm the worst sub ever.

I can see how our aftercare may change slightly when we are together. I can see me snuggling into him, or being made love to, or being fucked hard depending on the previous activity. Then again, I can see him being a lot like my first friend I mentioned as well. And just watching me zone out, waiting for me to let him know I'm okay to play again.

 

[catalina_francisco]

When we first got together he would give aftercare after any particularly demanding scene. It usually took the form of holding me, medical assistance if required, and just being there. As time has progressed and my experience increased, he doesn't give it often at all. He will apply antiseptic etc., if he feels it is needed, but even that is sometimes left to me to do if it is somewhere I can reach. A rub down with moisturiser is given sometimes as a reward, holding is done when he feels he wants to give it. As we are both very physical in our emotional responses, he sometimes purposefully holds back on the holding/kissing until a later time as that also can enhance the experience. So basically aftercare happens if there is a serious medical need, or if he feels like giving it himself or feels I have earned a special reward.

Catalina

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I couldn't agree more, Rose. I mentioned in the post above that I would have done my first punishment a bit differently upon reflection. I could tell there was something off by his behavior afterwards, and when we talked about it, he did feel it was a little unjustified due to the circumstances (not the infraction/principle).

I would have preferred him telling me outright instead of acting differently, and that's what we've agreed upon for the future. I will always give him the chance to voice an objection/consideration before punishing (or even for lesser infractions, as I said), and he's encouraged to do so after, or during our nightly "free" talks.

Of course I still have the right to go ahead even if he has objections or feels it's unfair, but the last thing I want to do is undermine his respect or trust or harm him due to an oversight/error on my part. I felt really bad last time, even though it was a relatively minor mistake and has turned out for the best; him voicing his thoughts to help to avoid that in the future is invaluable to me as his Dominant and life partner.

You did say it better..lol...and i agree 100%..we all learn from our 'mistakes', even our Domly Ones *winks*

 

[Etoile]

Not everybody reaches subspace. I think I've gone there maybe once in the 6.5 yrs I've been in a kink relationship, and I don't remember what did it for me.

Maybe that's the reason we don't really do a lot of aftercare. After a mindfuck, yes - lots of reassurance. But there's never really anything physical to it, in fact after a particularly hard scene sometimes Daddy decides to do something else hard, rather than easing back and taking care of me.

I guess there have been some times where I've been hurting really bad, either emotionally or physically, and I would have liked some coddling after, but I wasn't terribly damaged by not getting the aftercare.

As for the idea of "I didn't like this punishment, I think he went too far" - TO ME, that is bordering on topping from the bottom. The bottom is welcome to feel the top went too far, but they better accept that it's the top's right to go too far. I'm not into questioning my top's punishments. Yeah, I might hate them, but that's what I signed up for. Please note that I said that's FOR ME - others might have an entirely different negotiated way of dealing with it. It might be appropriate in some relationships, particularly those with an inexperienced top, for the bottom to express their thoughts on the punishment.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Not everybody reaches subspace. I think I've gone there maybe once in the 6.5 yrs I've been in a kink relationship, and I don't remember what did it for me.

Maybe that's the reason we don't really do a lot of aftercare. After a mindfuck, yes - lots of reassurance. But there's never really anything physical to it, in fact after a particularly hard scene sometimes Daddy decides to do something else hard, rather than easing back and taking care of me.

I guess there have been some times where I've been hurting really bad, either emotionally or physically, and I would have liked some coddling after, but I wasn't terribly damaged by not getting the aftercare.

As for the idea of "I didn't like this punishment, I think he went too far" - TO ME, that is bordering on topping from the bottom. The bottom is welcome to feel the top went too far, but they better accept that it's the top's right to go too far. I'm not into questioning my top's punishments. Yeah, I might hate them, but that's what I signed up for. Please note that I said that's FOR ME - others might have an entirely different negotiated way of dealing with it. It might be appropriate in some relationships, particularly those with an inexperienced top, for the bottom to express their thoughts on the punishment.

Etoile, i agreed with you on everything right up till the end about the punishment, and of course this is my opinion and i'm not by any means saying you are wrong, BUT if a Dom goes to far in their punishment, and ends up harming their submissive in a negative way, which then in turn would make the submissive lose some trust for them, dont' you think That Dom would want to know where they went wrong?? Doms are not perfect and are capable of making mistakes, and even overreacting to certain things, and i know for Master, He would rather me say to Him that i think He crossed a line, and then we talk about it. yes i signed up for a D/s relationship, but i did not sign up to be emotionally harmed and i know it would kill Master if i just 'accepted' a punishment that had harmed me and didnt' tell Him, and He continued to use that same punishment not knowing how it made me feel.

in my opinion it would only be topping from the bottom if the submissive was disrespectful in the way they relayed the way they felt to the their Dom....it also doesn't mean that the Dom has to agree that the punishment was unfair or 'crossing the line' and the Dom very much holds the power to continue using that punishment regardless but atleast the fear, hurt, or whatever was thrown out there to discuss and think about...

 

[Etoile]

Etoile, i agreed with you on everything right up till the end about the punishment, and of course this is my opinion and i'm not by any means saying you are wrong, BUT if a Dom goes to far in their punishment, and ends up harming their submissive in a negative way, which then in turn would make the submissive lose some trust for them, dont' you think That Dom would want to know where they went wrong?? Doms are not perfect and are capable of making mistakes, and even overreacting to certain things, and i know for Master, He would rather me say to Him that i think He crossed a line, and then we talk about it. yes i signed up for a D/s relationship, but i did not sign up to be emotionally harmed and i know it would kill Master if i just 'accepted' a punishment that had harmed me and didnt' tell Him, and He continued to use that same punishment not knowing how it made me feel.

in my opinion it would only be topping from the bottom if the submissive was disrespectful in the way they relayed the way they felt to the their Dom....it also doesn't mean that the Dom has to agree that the punishment was unfair or 'crossing the line' and the Dom very much holds the power to continue using that punishment regardless but atleast the fear, hurt, or whatever was thrown out there to discuss and think about...

Well, like I said - what I described applies to my relationship. So tack on a YMMV to that whole paragraph.

Don't forget that I said the bottom is welcome to dislike the punishment. I would even say that they are free to TELL the top they didn't like it, and explain why. But for me, questioning the appropriateness of a punishment does not fly. The punishment is whatever the top says it is.

Questioning the top about whether a punishment is appropriate - that's topping from the bottom.

Expressing how a particular punishment made you feel - that's being responsible and providing all necessary information about yourself.

But for me, even if I say I really hated a punishment, it was too strong for that particular transgression, etc. - I still understand that the punishment might very well be used again for an equally minor infraction. Because that's what I signed up for in a M/s relationship.

Like I said, other couples may be different.

 

[Kailey_86]

i know that feeling well, on both accounts. the one and only physical punishment i have received was the last time he was here, and you can ask him, my mind nor my body responded well to a scene right afterwards. BUT if He feels you need to be punished then maybe the scene shouldn't have been that important and should have been delayed in order to give you the punishment.

as far as Him going to far, you have to remember, he is human. Dom does not equal perfect, and if you think he went to far, then you need to tell Him this (in a respectful way of course) so that it doesn't get repeated. just because you are submissive does not mean you always have to agree that everything he does is right or in your best interest. there have been times that Master has done something that i thought crossed a line, and i've told Him so, and He was glad that i did because He never would have known if i had just gone along with it and He probably would have done it again thinking all was well.

just because we are submissive does not mean we don't' have feelings or negative reactions to things that our PYL's do. but they are not mind readers and they need to know when they've crossed a line.

The thing is, i feel like i shouldn't complain about this punishment because, even though it was a huge mental blow for me, the actual punishment wasn't really all that bad. i will never see those people again and nothing was permanently damaged. He made sure to go late so that nobody would be there and he made sure that we went to a place where i am not likely to go again. Then again, it DID effect me a lot more than either of us expected and it is still effecting me.

Questioning the top about whether a punishment is appropriate - that's topping from the bottom.

Expressing how a particular punishment made you feel - that's being responsible and providing all necessary information about yourself.

i agree for the most part. On this occasion i was questioning whether or not his punishment was appropriate because of how much it really effected me. i didn't think he was aware of how big of a blow it really was. Because we are both so new to all of this i ended up talking to him about it. In the end he still felt that it was fair and justified. After he said that, i dropped it. He has the final say.

 

[Netzach]

Etoile, i agreed with you on everything right up till the end about the punishment, and of course this is my opinion and i'm not by any means saying you are wrong, BUT if a Dom goes to far in their punishment, and ends up harming their submissive in a negative way, which then in turn would make the submissive lose some trust for them, dont' you think That Dom would want to know where they went wrong?? Doms are not perfect and are capable of making mistakes, and even overreacting to certain things, and i know for Master, He would rather me say to Him that i think He crossed a line, and then we talk about it. yes i signed up for a D/s relationship, but i did not sign up to be emotionally harmed and i know it would kill Master if i just 'accepted' a punishment that had harmed me and didnt' tell Him, and He continued to use that same punishment not knowing how it made me feel.

in my opinion it would only be topping from the bottom if the submissive was disrespectful in the way they relayed the way they felt to the their Dom....it also doesn't mean that the Dom has to agree that the punishment was unfair or 'crossing the line' and the Dom very much holds the power to continue using that punishment regardless but atleast the fear, hurt, or whatever was thrown out there to discuss and think about...

Telling me something like "that effected me in such and such a way, Mistress, I had a hard time handling it, this is how hard" is A - OK. Being told I'm "crossing the line" in an M/s relationship is completely meaningless to me. The line is whatever I say it is, and whether the intended and uninended effects are "over the line" is moot. There are things I would consider detrimental to my ends, but there's no way for H to tell me that, he can simply give information, and as property he *must* give information.

 

[Netzach]

The thing is, i feel like i shouldn't complain about this punishment because, even though it was a huge mental blow for me, the actual punishment wasn't really all that bad. i will never see those people again and nothing was permanently damaged. He made sure to go late so that nobody would be there and he made sure that we went to a place where i am not likely to go again. Then again, it DID effect me a lot more than either of us expected and it is still effecting me.


i agree for the most part. On this occasion i was questioning whether or not his punishment was appropriate because of how much it really effected me. i didn't think he was aware of how big of a blow it really was. Because we are both so new to all of this i ended up talking to him about it. In the end he still felt that it was fair and justified. After he said that, i dropped it. He has the final say.

When you start playing head games (and this is a head game) you are going to have this happen. There is NO WAY to safely predict exactly how your bottom is going to take it, you can only address the effects after.

As a Top it *is* his responsibility to make sure that the "messes" he makes are clean. That's not to say that everything is immediately OK afterward because he cuddles the issues away - it honestly sounds like you are processing. It might be appropriate and desired for him to talk a lot with you about how you feel at this point, this early in the game, if he ever wants to do this again without it becoming more and more problematic and not less and less (training.)

I've done humiliation from the bottom as well as the top - believe me, the first few times it completely upsets your universe. That is natural. We all prize ego and self-esteem and reputation - I don't think many people out there truly don't.

But overall, you're on speaking terms with him. You're not happy, you're flashing back to the experience and it still makes you queasy and mad. Different stuff will bubble up, instead of getting mad at your top why not examine the stuff as it does? If you do this, and honestly hate what happened when you're done doing that, then maybe this really is NOT how you want to play, but I urge you not to be premature about it.

It sounds like he is very willing to discuss things with you, which is really what's needed. And I have one last burning question...are you planning on going to the temp place?

If so, then it sounds like this was, in the final toss-up, effective.

And I think I've arrived at my theory of aftercare, the only kind that really had serious meaning to me. I always resented the blankets, juice, "can I get anything for you" kind of aftercare as a bottom and I resent being expected to do that every time I spank a hiney with my hand. What DID mean a lot to me, and what still means a lot to me are the phone calls, discussions, play-by-plays and talking after a scene.

I still remember how it made me feel to get calls from my stud on his cell phone after I was his puppy in public. Which was probably the biggest stretch I ever put myself through.

 

[serijules]

And I think I've arrived at my theory of aftercare, the only kind that really had serious meaning to me. I always resented the blankets, juice, "can I get anything for you" kind of aftercare as a bottom and I resent being expected to do that every time I spank a hiney with my hand. What DID mean a lot to me, and what still means a lot to me are the phone calls, discussions, play-by-plays and talking after a scene.

I still remember how it made me feel to get calls from my stud on his cell phone after I was his puppy in public. Which was probably the biggest stretch I ever put myself through.

Early on in my experience with BDSM, some of the other more coddling types of aftercare were what I needed. I even wrote an essay for a spanking magazine based largely on that kind of aftercare.

However, as I gained more experience, the desire for that kind of aftercare started to make me uncomfortable, and the need for conversation and talking was much more important to me. One dom that I used to play with often and heavily with canes and rope was not a cuddling type at all. After a scene, he would sit with me as it usually took me awhile to come out of the subspace of that and stop shaking enough to safely get up, he would give me a quick hug, and we would go off our own ways. The real "aftercare" came in the emails that we exchanged in the days after, talking about the reactions, what worked, what didn't, etc. I always loved those discussions and it really really helped me understand myself better.

When I became Dawnie's, the aftercare switched to more so what you described in your last reply. She allows me a few moments to gather myself and takes that opportunity to rest herself as well, then I will clean up, fetch us both a drink or snack, etc. If she feels like it, I will get a sexual reward, or we will simply fall asleep together. Very different from my "expectations" of earlier scenes. I love it. I get great joy in thanking her properly by taking care of her needs and cleaning up....something I never would have understood or appreciated in earlier relationships and during a less matured time in my experience with kinky play.

It's funny to think on this though, because I remember years ago arguing with a Domme about this topic. She didn't see the need for aftercare and didn't agree with "serving the submissive" and I felt that it was a necessary part of play and a valid expectation from the submissive. I'm happy I wizened up. Dawnie wouldn't have been interested in me had I not, I reckon.