After care.

[cati]

How important is aftercare for you. What does your Master/Mistress do to bring you down safely?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Have to say, we don't place a lot of thought or emphasis into it anymore. In the beginning stages of our relationship it was something that was important, and was always given freely. These days we do usually end up falling asleep wrapped up in each other, but that is what we always do anyway. Sometimes if we play during the day, or even at night, there is no aftercare, just the scene finishes and we get on with whatever we both should be doing elsewhere, either jointly or individually.

Catalina

 

[Killishandra]

Someday I'm going to be able to answer this question.

 

[shy slave]

Personally I hate it.

After a mild scene I enjoy just laying quietly with him but after a pain session I want left alone. I don't want touched or spoken to, or hugged or anything.

Andante respects that I am not playing games when I say I don't like it.

He allows me to calm down and go to him when I am ready.

For me, There is a guilt element to that

Aftercare is not just for pyls. PYLs also need or want it for a whole variety of reasons.

 

[cati]

Aftercare

Thanks for the replies...

You know, I really didn't know that it wasn't a "mandatory" part of scening.
Now I have to rethink the whole thing and relieve Master of the guilt trip I have laid on him in the past. He does make sure I'm OK and have settled down etc. It appears that I have made it into a bigger issue than it actually is/was.
Cuddling would be a good thing, but he's not much of a cuddler *s.

The reason I ask this question is that I have "read" somewhere that aftercare is important in "rebuilding" the sub/bottom after the Dom/me has sort of laid bare or opened up the very fragile inner core of the sub during the scene. (I'm not sure if I'm putting that in the right terms.) That it might be psychologically damaging to leave the sub as is.

 

[Miss Diva]

Cati after my ever first experience, I just wanted to hug the Dom. I simply needed him to put his arms around me, it was that intense. And the next day was the problem. I would not function the next day. I guess I needed more aftercare. I have only had two other experiences and and I made sure I got the aftercare I needed. So I guess for me it is important part of the whole scene.

 

[Red Sonja]

Thanks for the replies...

....

The reason I ask this question is that I have "read" somewhere that aftercare is important in "rebuilding" the sub/bottom after the Dom/me has sort of laid bare or opened up the very fragile inner core of the sub during the scene. (I'm not sure if I'm putting that in the right terms.) That it might be psychologically damaging to leave the sub as is.

I guess... it may depend on how "open" you are feeling after a scene. For myself sometimes I desperately need to be held. I want that reassurance that he loves and is pleased with me.

Othertimes.. I just want to sleep, I find it pretty exhausting, and to be left alone to do that.

So... if you feel that you are open and need that... I don't think you are out of line in discussing your need for aftercare. I don't think is something that is either mandatory, or completely unneeded. I'd assume it varies by couple, and by session.

 

[shy slave]

Thanks for the replies...

You know, I really didn't know that it wasn't a "mandatory" part of scening.
Now I have to rethink the whole thing and relieve Master of the guilt trip I have laid on him in the past. He does make sure I'm OK and have settled down etc. It appears that I have made it into a bigger issue than it actually is/was.
Cuddling would be a good thing, but he's not much of a cuddler *s.

The reason I ask this question is that I have "read" somewhere that aftercare is important in "rebuilding" the sub/bottom after the Dom/me has sort of laid bare or opened up the very fragile inner core of the sub during the scene. (I'm not sure if I'm putting that in the right terms.) That it might be psychologically damaging to leave the sub as is.

Nothing is mandatory but it is best to talk about aftercare and your perceptions of it before you get to the point where you discover you need/don't need it.

Mis Diva makes a good point that it was the next day she felt she had needed more, but without that experience she would never have known for the next time what she needed to support her.

I have never been the more Dominant person in a scene but I can easily imagine it can be mentally and physically wearing, they have to devise the scene, implement it and continually check the pyl is ok throughout.
Put aftercare on top of all that and it seems to me they need to relax more then the pyl.

Finding something that suits both of you helps. If it has not been an intense pain session I feel I have to take care of him, make sure he has a drink etc afterwards and just be in his company quietly appreciating all he has done for me.

As I said earlier if its has been a pain session then I need time alone to allow my body to come back to a normal state.

He can take me to 'a place in my mind' with his voice alone, if we have scened when I am there, then afterwards I need time to 'come back,' by re-focusing on the immediate surroundings. Then I want a very quiet time matching my breathing with his.

Its only through trial and error I have discovered all of this and luckily Andante understand the variations. Although I think for some elements he would like to know why.
The answer to that I have not yet figured out.

To sum up I guess its different strokes for different folks (pun intended ) Have fun working out whats best for both of you cati

 

[catalina_francisco]

It is widely written about as a 'must have/do' thing, but as others have said, it depends on the people involved and what suits them best at the time. I appreciated the aftercare in my earlier experiences, and I still do if and when they happen, but if because of time or energy (or other) constraints) it is bypassed, I find under most circumstances that is OK. I feel part of it for me now has become a matter of trust, the deepening of our relationship over this time to a point where as nice as reassurances are, I don't need them to know how he feels about me and where I am in his life. I don't feel hurt or doubtful if he doesn't seem to apply as caring a touch afterward, or just leaves the room or goes to sleep. Being who he is, it is rare he doesn't verbally express how he felt about the scene, or physically demonstrate his pleasure in it simply as a part of the way he communicates normally, but it doesn't have to be a carefully thought out or lengthy process anymore.

Catalina

 

[Kajira Callista]

after care........blech... i prefer a person to wanna be around me because they want to, not because the rule book says they should be. im better at closing up all the opened doors alone in a corner someplace anyway. not to say that a dom couldnt but i dont feel like it is their responsibility.

 

[shy slave]

after care........blech... i prefer a person to wanna be around me because they want to, not because the rule book says they should be. im better at closing up all the opened doors alone in a corner someplace anyway. not to say that a dom couldnt but i dont feel like it is their responsibility.

Glad you popped up in this thread.

I always like your turn of phrase when it comes to the big ac question

 

[Bandit58]

After a scene I'm always held, kissed and stroked, and He cuddles into my back when we are ready to sleep. In scenes with both Master and my lady friend (which can get quite intense with both of them there!) I'm given a cool drink, a gentle rubdown with a towel if necessary, and cuddles and kisses from both.

I've found I need this, especially if things have gotten a little rougher than usual. It's reassurance, an affirmation that I've been pleasing and that no matter what transpired during the scene I'm very much loved and cherished. Plus feeling His hand running over the marks He's put on me conveys a delicious sense of belonging

 

[His_pita]

Someday I'm going to be able to answer this question.

Me too.

I have been reading about Aftercare, sub space and sub drop lately. It's made me think there is a lot to it or now that I have read some of your replies maybe that is up to the person to decide what it is they need. I do think a heavy duty scene with a newbie like me best be planned out so I can recover if need be.

 

[DVS]

Personally I hate it.

After a mild scene I enjoy just laying quietly with him but after a pain session I want left alone. I don't want touched or spoken to, or hugged or anything.

Andante respects that I am not playing games when I say I don't like it.

He allows me to calm down and go to him when I am ready.

For me, There is a guilt element to that

Aftercare is not just for pyls. PYLs also need or want it for a whole variety of reasons.

So, how long does this last, shy? I've never heard of such a thing. Not that it doesn't exist, but most of the subs I've been with prefer to cuddle after inflicting pain, or to be held, while coming out of subspace.

I remember one sub who always went into subspace, and she would shake quite a bit, when coming out. She said she gets into pain so much that it's kind of over powering experience for her. I'd have to agree with that.

 

[DVS]

Someday I'm going to be able to answer this question.

You know, I"ve been trying to get you to come visit me, but Nooooooooo!

 

[Netzach]

When I was bottoming more it bugged the shit out of me when Tops I would not ordinarily want to be held intimately by thought it was this mission critical part of the scene. I was much more satisfied and relaxed and able to express my appreciation by cleaning up or giving them a little thank-you kiss on the boot or shoe.

I hold and allow mysef to be held by a very small handful of people. Just like I'll play with people I'm not into sexually I'll also play with people I don't have that kind of intimacy with and I hate the idea of forcing it. There are a lot of ways to come back down and support each other. Sometimes we are hysterically laughing at the end.

 

[graceanne]

I'm not a cuddler. K jokes that normally it's the woman who complains that after sex her man turns over and goes to sleep, cause I do that.

Aftercare would bug the heck out of me. The most that we do is he'll put aloe vera gell on anything that might leave a mark, then I get under several warm blankets and shiver myself to sleep. Unless he wants to snuggle. Then I snuggle till he goes to sleep, roll over and I go to sleep.

 

[cati]

re: aftercare

Thanks for the replies guys. I too have to admit if I've been "bottoming" to a "top" i hardly knew then sure put a blanket over me and maybe talk to me a bit, but other than that I wouldn't want anything more from him TYVM nor would I expect it I guess. I agree with "different strokes for different folks".
I think up until now I've been unable to talk with my Dom about what I need from him, figuring that he would know (go figure)
Now what I failed to ask in my earlier post..and I suppose this is the crux of the thread... what if the sub has a past history of being sexually or physically abused?
Would aftercare be more important and how would that be handled?

 

[gingermango]

Everyone's different. I, for one, prefer at least some after-care, especially after more intense/intensive scenes. I'm also a little different from many because I've never been truly dominated by someone I wasn't emotionally close to - either in a long-term relationship or married to. I have no desire to be beaten, used (or abused), and played with by or for someone just for its own sake. My submission is personal and meaningful to me BECAUSE of who I submit to, not just for the fact of submission.

My first true, deep dominance came at the feet of a woman I was deeply in love with at the time - she introduced me to loving, severe and intense dominance of the kind that passed way beyond a little playful spanking and being tied up. After our first session, as raw and emotionally-power as it was, I desperately needed something, anything, to reassure me that my "new" emotional role was something I could live with and indeed embrace. She provided that for me - the held me, carressed me and told me that she loved me for submitting to her in that way, at that time, and that my submission pleased her. That kind of affirmation made me appreciate that my desires and needs mattered to someone other than myself, and that what I was doing with her was more than extended emotional masturbation on my part.

That experience set the pattern for me and it's one I've maintained in the years since. I don't require the same degree of affirmation or support now than I did then, but I stil appreciate and need (at least to some extent) a little caressing and touching to bring me back to "normalcy" and let me know that my love appreciated and benefited from my submission to her.

But clearly, not everyone feels that way, nor are everyone's needs the same. That's perfectly fine, so long as both top and bottom understand each other and provide what they both need.

 

[Miss Diva]

Here is a thought: Would less aftercare be needed if you are in a long-term relationship. I mean if it is your first scene maybe you need more aftercare, but as the relationship grows and evloves over time, perhaps less after care is needed. Just my thoughts.

 

[landcruisergal]

I dont get much more than a "good girl" and a quick pat on the head or bum.
Even when I got the shakes bad one night after an intense and long needleplay scene, I had to ask him to get me a blanket.
I dont expect it, and I would find it very disconcerting if he did get all touchy feely.

My pup, on the other hand is a dogboy and if I have been cruel ( in a nice way) or he has been really good, he is rewarded by a cuddle and rubdown on the bed before he is sent to his mat on the floor.
Sometimes its a nice wind down for me as much as him I admit. An affirmation that I am not just a nasty bitch.
But my real canine gets a cuddle when she has been especially well behaved too.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Here is a thought: Would less aftercare be needed if you are in a long-term relationship. I mean if it is your first scene maybe you need more aftercare, but as the relationship grows and evloves over time, perhaps less after care is needed. Just my thoughts.

That is what I am finding...though I never have a problem when he does indulge me.

Catalina

 

[Marquis]

Someday I'm going to be able to answer this question.

Oh, Killi.

Now what I failed to ask in my earlier post..and I suppose this is the crux of the thread... what if the sub has a past history of being sexually or physically abused?
Would aftercare be more important and how would that be handled?

I think that anything that increases the bottom's need for reassurance is going to make aftercare more important. This can come about in a million different ways, from a personality altering trauma like being abused or just a temporary insecurity like wondering if your Dom loves you.

Personally, I really enjoy giving aftercare to the women I am close with. I think there is a point of overkill where it is no longer aftercare however, but really more like subbing. I see a lot of drama queen subs demanding insane amounts of aftercare and it always puts me off. Of course, I don't know their particular history, so it's not really fair for me to judge. Still, I always think of aftercare as me supporting the bottom as she comes to term with all the emotions that surround a given scene. To each their own of course, but I just can't stand seeing a Dom purr and coo at his sub under her special "sub blanket" for half an hour after a ten minute flogging scene.

I live by the credo that submission is a gift, not a loan. Any gift I offer in return comes from my heart and not my guilt.

 

[shy slave]

So, how long does this last, shy? I've never heard of such a thing. Not that it doesn't exist, but most of the subs I've been with prefer to cuddle after inflicting pain, or to be held, while coming out of subspace.

I remember one sub who always went into subspace, and she would shake quite a bit, when coming out. She said she gets into pain so much that it's kind of over powering experience for her. I'd have to agree with that.

The length of time i need varies, but I am not alone, KC and Gracie are similiar. Perhaps its a certain type of sub that wants left

I often go to him sooner than I would want simply because i feel guilty, not sure about length of time though.
Perhaps he would have a better idea.

Or I could ask him to time it just for you!

And of course that would not be 'topping from the bottom' lol

 

[Andante]

I live by the credo that submission is a gift, not a loan. Any gift I offer in return comes from my heart and not my guilt.

I'll second that!