Affairs

[Aphrodisiac]

Recently a very close friend of mine told me she has been seeing a married man. They became friends two years ago & they developed a strong friendship & then she told me that last year they became intimate.

Well, I was taken a little back by what she told me but not once did any negative thoughts cross my mind. I did not think less of her & I did not judge her. I just simply told her to be true to herself.

She told me that she does not want to break up his marriage, she does not want him to divorce, she does not make any demands on him. They care about one another & have a very strong emotinal connection. She said that he never lied about being married & she knew every thing about his situation before getting involved with him.


My question is .. should I have reacted differently?!
I know having an affair is seen as bad in so many people's eyes.

But some how , when she told me I was okay and really its her life and why should I judge her.

Any opinions ?!?
Just want to see what some of you think about this subject.

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I think just being a friend is best thing you can do. Your advice was simple but speaks volumes.

 

[AzureAngel]

*Shrugs.* That'd be a difficult situation for me. I'd be clawing at myself to not yell at my friend for doing something so entirely wrong. At the same time, it's her life. You can't control it. At most, all I'd do is express my opinion once and leave it alone after that, in terms of openly disapproving.

It all depends on how people value/define marraige.

 

[AzureAngel]

Then again, I'm a bitch about making sure my (unwanted) opinion is out there when there's something that's a pretty big deal to me.

 

[Aphrodisiac]

AAngel,

I know what you mean about telling someone your opinion.

I don't mind that at all - but since she told me I have not thought less of her.

I don't want to yell her, I don't want to call her names , or do any such things. Its her life and she is a grown woman.

Besides, I can not tell her this & that ... I mean how can I tell her all those things , when in reality I don't know what she is going through , I mean she feels certain feelings for this man and the relationship she shares with him has its own dynamics. I don't know those dynamics....




Do I makes any sense ?!?

 

[Liontamr]

You handled it as well as you could by saying that... Because in a way it is her life and her call..

I won't go into details about my experiences.. but I found myself with a married woman only after a few months of "play" under the assumtion she was single.... Then she hit me with the fact she was married with two kids.

Byt that time though - albiet this all online play - I had developed a closeness with her ... It's kinda of complicated to explain.. maybe I will sometime later...

But the friends I have told this too have all understood in some way and are leting me go through this as I see fit. For that I very much appricate it, last thing someone in that situation wants is a bunch of voices telling him / her what they should do.

So for you to say what you did, you played the situatuion perfectly. Your friend more than likley just needed to get the "secret" off her chest.

 

[AzureAngel]

You make perfect sense and you're doing the right thing.

You have to understand that I come from a really religious background and, while I don't profess the religion, my moral beliefs are pretty strong on certain issues. Plus, I think that people actually care to hear my opinion, which is often untrue. *Snickers.*

You're right to not judge and a better friend for it. I'm just the type who would respond with, "What the HELL are you doing?" Heh. Or at least I'd really want to. I'd probably try to get all the information about the situation and THEN be a bastard.

Probably not.

The only person you can control is yourself. Something I have to frequently remind myself of. Plus, everyone's different. Damn the world for not being like me and under my control...

 

[Ballboy]

That was great advice. People need to be allowed to take responsibilty for their own actions and live their life. Being non-judgemental, expecially when you don't fully agree with her actions, and continuing your unconditional support is true friendship.

Everyone should have someone like you in their lives.

 

[vylette]

something just happen to someone i knew...she took her own life after having an affair...she felt tremendous guilt over what she had done...went to her pastor to discuss it...and evidently from the note she left her pastor told her to have an affair (adultery) was an unforgiveable sin and she would be condemned to hell forever...in her letter she expressed how disappointed in herself she was and felt she could not go on...she left two young children behind...

i am not really answering your questions as much as i am saying please beware of any advice you give people or any judgment, you never know what they will feel....she was an incredible person and now she is gone...and the world is worse off for it...

i am also posting this in a thread...

 

[nasty]

I would of had a slightly different reaction. I would of a bit taken aback. I mean, the guys MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it's her life, but, what happens if the wife finds out? That would be a lose/lose situation. Well, maybe not for your friend. The wife would divorce the guy, and, she could take her place. I'll be waiting on a report for that story to be on Jerry Springer. Seriously, I can't believe that your friend KNEW about the wife, and, is ok with that. If I were in her place, I'd be like, "See ya." Yeah. I'd be tempted to fuck with a married person if I REALLY liked them, but, wouldn't ever actually DO it. The chance that the other person would find out are just too risky.

 

[SXCRgirl]

Warning ... I may not be the right person to make comments about these types of topics because of what I've been through, but I'm practing my 1st amendment right.

nasty, how can you say that Aph's friend isn't going to lose anything? Apparently she feels strongly enough for this man to get into a relationship with him KNOWING full well what he has on his plate. She is the loser here because when it gets to the point where it's too much, he will just go back to his wife and she ends up alone.

I was in a situation once and I knew going in what was going on. But emotions are emotions and as human beings we crave for more. We look for progress. I did that and things didn't work out for me. He's still with her and probably will never leave her despite his intense feelings for me. He will always be married to her because it's *safe* regardless of how right I was for him.

My friends were judgemental and was unhappy about the fact that I was seeing him. Let's just say that now, there's this barrier between me and my good friend. We can never talk about him anymore and never discuss what happened there. I will forever be resentful that I didn't get her support or that she got *tired* of talking about him. You're a good friend for giving her the feeling of security to share something with you.

 

[SexyChele]

I was in your friend's situation a long time ago. Started a friendship with a married man, it turned into an affair, and we both thought we could deal with it. My friends condemned me, judged me, never wasted a minuted telling me how screwed up I was for getting involved with this guy.

Then the relationship ended - he fell in love with me and became overly possessive. Yes, I ended the relationship, but I still had all the same feelings that one has when a relationship ends. Plus, I had the guilt of having hurt his wife (she did find out) and even his kids. I was really devastated.

And because my friends had been so harsh, I didn't want to tell them, didn't feel that I could confide in them. Sure enough, when they did find out, it was, "I told you so, if you would have listened to me to begin with, you wouldn't be where you are at now."


Keep doing what you are doing. Don't judge, don't condemn. Be a friend, listen when she needs some one, continue to do things together. And when this is all over, as it very well might be one day, let yourself be the one whose shoulder she cries on. You will stand out as a true friend and confidante.

Kudos to you for being a real friend.

 

[chidbar]

Just felt an urge to say that In reading this thread most people are right, the one thing your friend msut remember is he is a married man amd not to expect too much. I hope she is not thinking she can get him away from his wife because this usually doesn't happen, the wife is safe and the girlfriend is fun. I would just tell her to remember that and not get too emotionally involved.

 

[cymbidia]

Any opinions ?!?
Just want to see what some of you think about this subject.

You did a great job of being her friend. Kudos to you on that.

Your friend's decisions regarding her personal and sexual life are her own. You're her friend, not her moral compass. We go to our friends with our cares and woes, and seek in them some comfort and a kind of confessional. If they turn on us and condemn us and push us away for our choices, then we don't return to them in such an open-hearted and honest manner again.

Finally, every person has different reasons for beginning and conducting an affair. Don't waste your time imagining you know enough about that person and thier life - just and only on the basis of thier being married - to judge them in any way for doing what they're doing, whether or not its a thing you would not do.

 

[Aphrodisiac]

Re: Re: Affairs

Finally, every person has different reasons for beginning and conducting an affair. Don't waste your time imagining you know enough about that person and thier life - just and only on the basis of thier being married - to judge them in any way for doing what they're doing, whether or not its a thing you would not do.

cymbidia

I agree with what you said - I know I don't even have the slightest clue as to what she is going through & what made her decide to take the relationship to the next step.

That is why I did not condemn her when she told me , I know she wanted to share this with someone , she was just scared some individuals might look @ her in a negative way. She said she told me because she knew I would not judge her or put her down and she was right....

 

[Juspar Emvan]

I think you did nothing wrong, there is no way you should have reacted. The only thing I'd say is, no matter what intentions the three people involved may have. Someone will get hurt eventually. No if, no buts, no maybe's.

 

[Sillyman]

Cheating is wrong, and affairs are a mistake. If she wants to do it, then she has to resolve it on her own, but make sure you warn her and be there for her in the fallout.

 

[bored1]

Im a recovering adulterer. I too had a friendship with a nice young women that became intimate. First off, my friendship with this person was inappropiate because I allowed myself to become emotionally intimate with someone other than my spouse. Instead of working out the issues that my wife and I were facing I turned to someone else. It was easier to do that. To make a long story short my wife found out, my marriage ended and my family was broken up, all because I wanted what I wanted,without regard for those around me. A very selfish behavior on my part, the repercussions are still felt today. Someday your friend may be married, her husband could be doing to her what this man is doing to his wife. What goes round comes round. How would she react to this betrayal of trust,? If the lives of her children were disrupted. I have learned that infidelity is wrong. Innocent people get harmed in ways that you cannot imagine.

 

[juicylips]

AAngel,

I know what you mean about telling someone your opinion.

I don't mind that at all - but since she told me I have not thought less of her.

I don't want to yell her, I don't want to call her names , or do any such things. Its her life and she is a grown woman.

Besides, I can not tell her this & that ... I mean how can I tell her all those things , when in reality I don't know what she is going through , I mean she feels certain feelings for this man and the relationship she shares with him has its own dynamics. I don't know those dynamics....




Do I makes any sense ?!?

You make perfect sense, A. Friends are called upon to listen and not judge. You have a sympathetic and kind heart. Lots of common sense to go with it.

JL

 

[freescorfr]

But some how , when she told me I was okay and really its her life and why should I judge her.

Any opinions ?!?
Just want to see what some of you think about this subject.

Not judging is a pre-requisite of friendship, of love, of allowing the other person to be who they are.

I've been a little bit surprised by the attitude of many - usually Americans, on this board to affairs - especialy the women, many of whom have been very hurt in their affairs. In France, it is not uncommon for a married woman to have a lover, or a man a mistress. I don't have statistics, but I have several friends, of both sexes who are happy with this and don't see it as introducing an element of criis or catastrophe into their lives.

There are, however, some basic understandings between the partners, as far as I can see. The most important is clarity about the type of relationship being proposed. There are some women, who for a variety of reasons, are happy to have a relationship in which she meets her lover three or four times a year. They both know where they stand - she's not waiting all day for the pone to ring or a letter in the post. There's another I know who's sexual needs are simply not met by her husband and she is having an affair with a man whose wife has ms. I can imagine a whole range of situations in which an affair might be a way in which people can live fuller and more satisfied lives.

My understanding is that the real hurt arises when the woman had a dream of forming a relationship as one of a life-sharing "couple". This dream involves projects of building a life together - planning holidays, social activities, even children. The dream is perhaps unrealisable, because it is not what the man is proposing.
In this case it is very important to get rid of the guy - but to hang on to your dream - don't let the dream go with him. When I read the posts here of the girls who are really hurt, I feel that they have let their wonderful dream of romance and love and personal fulfillment, a great dream, get destroyed with the rupture in the relationship. They let go of the man and the dream goes with him. The dream does not belong to him - it is a good dream which is worth keeping. Not all dreams can be realised - but many can and are, in time.

I don't talk of the man's role here. I've just been on an intensive human relations course in Paris and to my horror I was the only man among 15 women. Usually we are well mixed. Today I am in recovery!

I think the difference between the French women and the American views I read here, lies in deeply help beliefs about betrayal and faithfulness. Every belief can be revised and changed.

 

[pipercatt]

I was debating whether or not to put my .02 cents in here. I don't know what I have to say will give anything to you, Aph, but I can say that I applaud you for not judging your friend.

I have what I'd call an intimate friend. He and I met a few months ago, we talk online almost every day, and we see each other maybe once a month. He's married, and I am as well. My marriage is open to being with others, his isn't. When we meet up in RL, it's for the purpose of being intimate.

I don't pine for him. I don't wish him to leave his wife and be with me. I have no expectations of him, except the wish that he continues to be my friend, if and when we decide not to be intimate anymore.

I guess that in posting this, my hope would be to show that not all can be bad in this type of situation.