Aevon Calling

[Hamilton_g]

I've just posted a new story in Lesbian Sex called "Aevon Calling" and I'd love feedback. Here's the link : http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=101106

I've noticed that a very high percentage of people who view the story are voting and I really appreciate that. My other stories are getting about a half to one percent votes, but this story is about forty percent! Is that characteristic of stories in this area? I'm kinda new here so I'm curious.

By the way, in response to one feedback: Thanks, I know it's actually "Avon". Some companies don't like their registered trademark used in porn stories, so I changed the spelling. I would have been happy to answer your other feedback question, too, but since you gave a fake email I couldn't.

I don't understand why people who are giving intelligent feedback and even asking questions that the author would be glad to answer leave a fake email, since it's easy enough to get an anonymous one right here. I've gotten a few for which I would like to thank the reader for constructive criticism, but I can't.

- Ham

 

[Hamilton_g]

oops!

oops, never mind about the percent feedback question. I just went back and checked and it looks like the count of readers had not been correct. It's been corrected and now it come out to about three-quarters percent, par for the other stories.
-Ham

 

[Hotcappucino]

Overall, a very nice sensous story. Your sex scenes were very vivid.

On a technical note, one thing that is somewhat distracting is that for some reason, some, but not all, of your hypens display as question marks. For example, "Her outfit was very business?like..." and "...in all her twenty?eight years." Perhaps there is a translation problem between the software that you were using to author your story and the way it shows up on a web page.

As far as plot development goes, I personally would not have had Laura display any sort of sexual interest in Sheryl until sometime after their little beauty break begins in the bedroom. That is, I would have first played it like a pretty standard sales call. Maybe Laura notices how attractive (in a non-sexual way) Sheryl is when she first meets her, but that's about it. To me, that would be more believable, especially if Laura is straight and never had a lesbian experience before. With that in mind, I would definitely strike your line towards the beginning of the story concerning the spiked heels.

Then, during the beauty break, I would have Laura notice subtle actions that somehow seem a little more intimate than a standard make-up session. Maybe Laura notices how Sheryl's fingers softly glide over her features, as if lightly caressing them. But Laura's still not sure -- maybe these are innocent gestures after all. Try and keep an air of uncertainty going for a while longer. Then gradually build the seduction.

As a side note, I would say that it would be near impossible for someone to put false eyelashes on someone else without that person being aware, unless the subject were unconscious.

While certain women do secrete more vaginal fluids than others, some of your phrasing seems a little over-exaggerated: "she felt a large dollop of pussy cream leak out..." and "...pussy juice dripping down from Laura's slit into the sink in long strings...". Sounds almost freakish.

During one point in the story, Sheryl calls Laura by name, but you never had Laura introduce herself. I'd probably insert such a line at the beginning.

Once again, a very good story. Thanks for writing it and looking forward to more good ones.

 

[glspade]

On Aevon calling

Hot little story. Well done.
I did notice the odd hyphen characters that were previously mentioned.
More than happy to discuss further, if you wish.

gspade66@yahoo.com

 

[Hamilton_g]

thanks

Thanks for the comments so far. Hotcap, your ideas were very helpful. It makes me want to rework it. Maybe I'll write a new seduction story instead.

I noticed the thing about the hyphens, too. I use Word to write and then submit as an rtf file. But I think this is the only one of my stories where this happened, so I think it may be the program that the editor/screener used.
-Ham