Advice wanted please!

[Christina O. Leigh]

*************

 

[My Erotic Tale]

smile

well I liked it~

your clever witty way was all over it...grin~

the is LIT-EROTIC-A...and what better place for
an eriotic write~

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

Art, you're too kind, sweetie. But..but...this sucks

 

[Du Lac]

Chris.. taking a short look...

Chris.. I don't have any problem with length... lol.. of the poem I say! when you read some of mine you will know just what I mean.. so lets start at the begining. I have found in poetry you must romance the reader.. leave some to the imagination.. entice, enthrall, with less detail... so lets see what we can do...poetry is a seduction darling... and you are writing about a seduction here... lets go for it...one step at a time..
RE:

Orgasm In Fake Slumber"

After a warm perfuming bath,
I relax in bed,
Head on pillow
Wearing a long tee
With panties underneath,
And start watching
The evening news.

What I come up with....

Body fresh and damp,
Sweet perfume laces my skin,
Relaxed in bed,
My pillow the sin.

Normal life
Tee and panties.
Cotton fresh,
Nothing fancy.

Wars, crime, small time news,
TV blares as you appear,
Slick and wet,
Hanes underwear.

More to come.....

I know I made it longer... but.. I think it draws you into to scene more.. short sweet and simple like the life you are describing in the begining.. we can get more complicated as you move into the poem.. for we are complicating the simplistic life... I do like the theme.. and hope you like some of the changes.. we all have our style.. my changes all the time!!!! Let me know
Du Lac

 

[The_Fool]

One option of a hack job....

"Orgasm In Fake Slumber"

After a warm perfuming bath,
I relax in bed,
Watching the evening news.

You come to bed
With slick back hair, slightly wet,
Wearing Hanes and Old Spice,

I tease, Pretending to asleep
Yet pulse between my legs,
Knowing it disturbs you
Because I didn't say goodnight.

Gently sliding your hand down,
Petting me with feather-like fingers,
Tickling and teasing my clitoris
Sheets ruffle
Your head now between my legs.

My body won’t move,
Face still turned away,
You kiss my inner thigh,
And behind my knees.

You're such a tease
As you come back up
And plunge your tongue
Deep inside

You nibble and moan,
"You taste so good"
Which vibrates
Throughout my body.

Inserting a finger
I cum without movement
Or sound.

Sheets ruffle,
You lay asleep on your pillow,
I wake you
After I hear heavy breathing

I kiss your neck
"Goodnight honey"

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

*smiles*

Okay Du Lac...

First, I don't want the rhyming. If I added it, it was simply by accident and I want to leave it there. Grumbles at self- I just want to shorten this a bit. I don't know what to do. Hmm... I like the first few suggestions. Sexy! But we can't go to the rhyming. Hmm...again....
Yes, I also have to change his hair to "slicked back" not slick.

The_Fool, very cute, LOL! You know, that was too easy of a job
I have to cut out some words. Thanks for your help, sweetie!

Both of you

 

[Du Lac]

HA!

Chris..
I do not even realize that I do the rhyming sometimes lol...just comes natural.... and mine is not a rewrite.. just like I like to get.. suggestions to take another look at how others do things so that I can twist my thinking some... I love to rip apart and remake.. and by the way loved your suggestions on the other poem of mine Thanx!
Du Lac..

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

It's so much fun playing with words! I LOVE it!!

 

[OT]

Just a couple of thoughts. As it stands, it feels too wordy and more like a play by play

at the risk of drumming the show don't tell drum (and because I like to chop words)

I'd drop words like "I tease"
and let the reader figure it out.
In a drastic cut of that stanza...

"Pretending sleep
I yearn
knowing
I didn't say good night."

and a half-hearted cut of the next...
(again.. maybe less explicit and let me (the reader) figure out specifics....

you slide your hand
with feather touch
followed by
your kiss
.

As always, no harm intended. Just food for thought

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

Nah, no offense taken. It's very much appreciated. That's why I asked for help. Big thanks!
Chris