Advice requested...please

[Guest]

My child's father and I have been separated for well over a year and a half. Happily so on my part since it was the best decision I've ever made in my life.

So anyway, a couple of months ago he goes out and gets a DUI. Now he's caught in a position that he can't drive for 31 days (then 60 days restricted). He doesn't have a ride to and from work. He lives out pretty far from his work and in a place where public transit is extremely limited or non-existent.

He doesn't pay much in the line of support but I would feel it to a certain degree if he were to lose his job because he couldn't get to and from work.

He spends virtually no time with our child, subsequently our child would be extremely happy if he were to stay with us and let me take his father to and from work (we don't live close to each other at all). But then when he is gone again from my child's life, it will be even harder than it is now dealing with the frustration and anger of not having him around anymore.

If he would to stay with us, I would go off the proverbial deep end. I couldn't handle it even if it were for weekdays only. I can't even handle a few hours before I start getting tense and upset.

I don't know whether or not I'm obligated (morally or otherwise) to help him out. I'm not sure if it's something I *should* do for the sake of my child??

Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated.

Thank you.

 

[Mischka]

He lives out pretty far from his work and in a place where public transit is extremely limited or non-existent.

Is the public transportation extremely limited, or is it non-existent? An inconvenience is not the same as no method of getting to work.

 

[Guest]

 

[deliciously_naughty]

If he doesn't make any effort to spend time with your child and if it would hurt you emotionally...then I vote no.

 

[DustyWolfe]

You have no obligations to him. If he is able to get to work then that should be sufficient, even if it is a pain. He really should have thought before drinking and driving. He was being irresponsible and is now paying for it.

Having him stay with you is a very bad idea, one option for him is to go to vocational rehabilitation and asking for transportation assistance. Or a place to stay briefly until he is able to work. I know in some states they will help.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

I don't know whether or not I'm obligated (morally or otherwise) to help him out. I'm not sure if it's something I *should* do for the sake of my child??

Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated.

You are not morally obligated to help him in any way. He got himself in this situation by doing something very stupid and illegal - that places no obligation on you whatsoever.

Helping him by giving him a ride to and from work (until he can make other arrangements) would be an act of extreme kindness, letting him move in with you would be an act of stupidity.

 

[mfs686]

for what it is worth

Me personally I wouldn't do it. I would hate to give my child the sense that Mom and Dad are getting back together. I have been in the same boat as you. My ex works right around the corner from where I live and she has asked if she could spend the night at my house when she gets out late at night and the weather is bad. I have told her no just because I don't want the kids to think everything is goign to work out and then disappoint them. All kids wish mom and dad would get back together and to give them that glimmer of hope and then take it away can cause even more harm. The other thing to think about is if having him around is stressing you out, how are you going to act in front of your child ? Your husband is a big boy and he has to be responsible for his actions. Letting him in for just a little while could be catastrophic for you and your child. If he realizes that he can get away with this he will never take responsibility for himself and take advantage of you time and time again. I know it's not easy and your mind wanders to what it was like when you first met but you have to remain strong for you and your child.

 

[Weird Harold]

He doesn't have a ride to and from work. He lives out pretty far from his work and in a place where public transit is extremely limited or non-existent.

Loan him a bicycle, or suggest he buy one. My son-in-law rides a bike to work year round -- It's eleven miles one-way in conditions that range from freezing to 110F.

If he wants to get to work, there is always a way and you have no obligation to save him from himself.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Advice requested...please

Is the public transportation extremely limited, or is it non-existent? An inconvenience is not the same as no method of getting to work.

Mischka, it used to be non-existent, but now it runs during the day but not early or late enough that would be necessary for him to get to his job on the west-side of town (he lives on the far east).

Originally posted by Shy Tall Guy
Helping him by giving him a ride to and from work (until he can make other arrangements) would be an act of extreme kindness, letting him move in with you would be an act of stupidity.

STG, I had thought I'd try and find a way to help, but in actuality, picking him up at his house is taking another 90 minutes in the morning and even longer in the evening. Where he lives is not anywhere close and when I drop my child off and pick him up, it's in a different direction. In order to "help" him out, he'd have to stay physically here and I just can't do that...not to myself nor my child. Basically I'd wind up passing my own office (not far from my house) twice in the morning and twice at night, it just wouldn't work.



mfs686,

You brought up some very good and valid points. It was hard enough for my child to get used to the idea and the living situation, he's very young but it would give him a false sense that we were getting back together. When we first separated, he (my ex) stayed here occasionally in the spare room since it was the only way he'd spend time with our child. It was wrong to not set boundaries, for all of us. I would essentially "hide" in my room while they had bonding time.




To everyone else, thank you for your comments and suggestions. I have had issues with this since he initially blamed going out drinking on me. It turns out that he was with his buddies and being an idiot. We all make our beds. It's not my role though to be his caretaker in this though. I would help if there were a way I could do so without it disturbing my entire life and that of my child, but there isn't one. A month isn't forever, but it is when you are in a situation that could potentially be both mentally and emotionally destructive.

Thanks again.