Advice please

[morninggirl5]

I'm hoping someone here can give me some advice or at least something else to think about in this situation. It's been running around in my brain for almost a week and I cannot decide what to do at all.

I have a friend who has a teenage son. Daniel is 14 and seriously in the teenage "my parents don't know anything, everyone hates me" phase of life. His parents have been having marital problems for a year now. (My solution to that problem is to lock their asses in a room for a week and tell them to work things out or decide how the divorce will go and quit torturing everyone that knows them). Daniel has not handled their problems well at all and it's definitely making his teenage angst worse.

Now for the problem, last Thursday he asked me if I would a) take him to the store so he could buy condoms and not tell his parents why he was going to the store with me or b) take his money and buy him condoms and not tell his parents.

I've decided to both at different times and then argued myself back into indecision. Can anyone give me a fresh perspective?

 

[Guest]

Take him to the store, but tell him you don't want to know what he is buying.

 

[freakygirl]

Oh.... tough one here.

although I hate to see a child start being sexually active at that age.. I do admire him for using condoms. Atleast he is being safe. Now.. hiding it from his parents..and asking their friend to do the same thing.. hard one. No idea what I would do if my friends son wanted me to do this. But from a mothers point of few (i have a son who is 14 almost 15) and I would want that person to tell me. I wouldn't jump my son, as we are very open and honest with each other. But I do think I would want to know, so I could talk with him.

 

[Rubyfruit]

Personally, I'd get him the condoms. For a variety of reasons, a lot of kids don't feel comfortable going to their parents about this kind of thing. If you don't get them, do you think he'll abstain? Doubt it. He'll get them somewhere else or won't use them at all.

 

[morninggirl5]

Oh.... tough one here.

although I hate to see a child start being sexually active at that age.. I do admire him for using condoms. Atleast he is being safe. Now.. hiding it from his parents..and asking their friend to do the same thing.. hard one. No idea what I would do if my friends son wanted me to do this. But from a mothers point of few (i have a son who is 14 almost 15) and I would want that person to tell me. I wouldn't jump my son, as we are very open and honest with each other. But I do think I would want to know, so I could talk with him.

That's one thing I keep thinking, but I know if I tell his parents, they're going to jump him. I'm glad he finally felt comfortable enough to ask me for help and I worry that if I tell him no, he won't trust me again. He has no family in this state, it'd be much simpler if his uncle was just down the street.

 

[thumbs2_ca]

hmmm

Well I am afraid I would tell him that if he wants to make a grown up decision like have sex then he should buy his own condoms.
They have machines in schools here or are pushing to have them installed. They are not promoting sex but they are promoting safe sex. I would also talk to my friend and tell him/her what their son asked you to do.
Hopefully they would be grown up enough to set aside their differences so that they can do a proper job in raising their son.

 

[Wiggles]

.

 

[Rubyfruit]

Re: hmmm

Well I am afraid I would tell him that if he wants to make a grown up decision like have sex then he should buy his own condoms.
They have machines in schools here or are pushing to have them installed. They are not promoting sex but they are promoting safe sex. I would also talk to my friend and tell him/her what their son asked you to do.
Hopefully they would be grown up enough to set aside their differences so that they can do a proper job in raising their son.

Lots of kids have sex before they are grown up enough to make reasonable decisions. How do you think teenage pregnancies occur. What's wrong with a kid going to a trusted adult for advice/guidance?

 

[MidnightAngel]

I have a 14 (soon to be 15) year old son. I would HOPE that he would talk to me or his father about something like this. But I am also wise enough to know that there is always the chance that he won't. If he doesn't feel comfortable talking to us, I sincerely hope that there is someone (like you) that he WOULD talk to. Yes, I would probably be disappointed that he is becoming sexually active so young...but that is a decision I can't make for him. And I am NOT ready to hear him tell me he's going to be a father!

Buy them for him, or take him to get them.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Re: hmmm

Well I am afraid I would tell him that if he wants to make a grown up decision like have sex then he should buy his own condoms.

Not every state in the US allows kids of that age to buy condoms - especially in the Bible belt.

MG - if it were legal for you to supply him with condoms then I would say get them for him and not say anything. It is the least harmful thing you can do. Some people would say stay out of it, that it is his decision, his problem, and that he can get condoms somewhere else.

However, the last thing this kid needs is to get someone pregnant or to contract an STD, and it is very likely that if you don't get the condoms then he may give up and have sex without them instead.

You are the adult in the situation and he isn't. You can't control his behavior when he isn't within your sight. He will probably have sex regardless. So getting condoms is a wise thing to do.

I would have a heart to heart talk to him about sex at such an early age though. He has put you in an awkward situation. I would say if he weren't so young, and if he could get them for himself, let him do it - but even that is fraught with problems.

His parents may not understand your actions from their POV, but I think, from a disinterested party's perspective, that getting him the condoms would be the right thing to do.

 

[Marxist]

MG, you're an adult. Go buy the kid 1000 a year. Seriously. There's no reason to expect the kid to restrain himself and the parents sound like kids themselves. Hurry, before he fucks up and makes everyone regret your indecision.

 

[ksmybuttons]

Sounds like a fourteen year old test to me.

He asks you to buy him condoms. He is testing to see if he can trust you to be an adult he can talk to without having it get back to his parents.

Buy him the condoms. Give him the adult lecture that condoms do not always prevent STDs or pregnancy. (blah, blah, blah) Knowing your partner helps. (blah, blah, blah) Sex isn't the best way to deal with the feelings of divorce, of not being wanted and being alone....all that adult stuff that none of us ever listened to either.

Ask him to let his parents know that he has decided to talk with you, and, if they ask, tell them it is confidential. You are their friend and they are just going to have to trust you in your dealing with their son. Guilt them. He needs a calm adult to whom he can talk.

 

[Mischka]

At least you can be thankful that he trusts an adult, even if it puts you in a tough spot, mg. Instead of just buying him the condoms, I suggest bringing him to a Planned Parenthood clinic first to emphasize the importance of his decision. Encourage him to bring his girlfriend as well. At the clinic, they can discuss the techniques of using a condom, and other preventative measures for pregnancy and STDs. The girl needs to know that once she becomes sexually active, she needs to start her annual gyno exams. The people at PP are professionals, and will not judge them, but help them realize all of the consequences of their decision.

 

[LukkyKnight]

help him

He has reached out, and asked for your help. You have a number of decisions to make in this one, but 9 months from now (maybe less) everybody involved will wish that somebody had the compassion and sense to do so - IMHO.

 

[Bigdog]

Lots of good advise here already, I'm chiming in on the Planned Parenthood route. If that is not an option, taking him to the store to buy condoms himself would be next best. If he can't handle walking in and buying the condoms, he sure isn't ready to be using them. Although, no where yet have I seen anything to suggest he is planning to use them immediately. Perhaps this is a gambit to convince himself he has attained manhood. If his homelife is falling apart, self-worth is not something he is feeling right now.

The most important piece to the puzzle is that he trusts you. No matter how this turns out, don't tell his parents and destroy that trust forever. His ability to confide in you is far more important than his parents knowing every detail of his life outside the home. If he were contemplating running away or commiting suicide, that would merit breaking confidence. At this point, we are only talking about helping him purchase something he is legally entitled to buy.

As someone who works with a parent support group, I commend you for caring and lending a hand to a kid in need. I hope this works out well.

 

[morninggirl5]

Update:

Daniel and I are going shopping tomorrow evening. He told his Mom he needed my help with a project for school (like I really know anything about suspension bridges).

I was able to talk to him for a few minutes today and I am getting selective amnesia as I type this. The girlfriend in question is his next-door neighbor. We have reached an agreement that the absolute less I know about specifics, the better. I assured him anything he tells me won't go any further. If his Mom has a problem with what I'm doing, it can be worked out. If HER Mom even has a whisper of a clue that I knew anything about the situation and didn't tell her, all hell will break loose.

 

[LukkyKnight]

suspension bridges

Update:

Daniel and I are going shopping tomorrow evening.

Whatever it takes, morning, to maintain a bridge from an adolescent to a nurturing adult is a good thing. If Mom's mom has a hissy fit it's nothing compared to what she'd do at being a great-grandmother or losing her grandson to AIDS. You go.

And if you need a place to hide, email me.

 

[fgarvb1]

better safe than dead. he's going to do it with or without the condoms.

we have enough to young parents already.