Advice please.

[Debbie]

(Not directed at anyone here)

I have a friend who is in a relationship that
appears to me to be very controlling.

They started off as a really happy couple.
But a 'friend' of his (not a mutual friend)
started telling him that his lover was
doing things he might disapprove of.

A lot of innuendo and malicious talk
that was based on her flirting, in an open
non serious way. Till the 'friend' started
whispering in his ear he was trusting and
not jealous.

Now he has changed and she is being told
by him where she can go, who with and what
she can and can't do.

I can't get to talk to her anymore without him
around and have considered confronting his
'friend' and making her 'fess up that she was stirring.

Or talking to him and seeing what his reaction is.

Would you 'interfere'?

 

[Purrde Flower]

What type of friend do you have? Is she a strong person I mean. I was told by several of my friends at how my ex seemed controlling and how my behavior turned into somehting that wasnt close to the person they knew.

I didn't listen. I was stubborn and so desperate for someone to love me. It took me almost 7 years to learn the lesson.

 

[Bobmi357]

Nope.

Everyone has to make thier own mistakes. And quite frankly, your friend may end up resenting you in the long run for interfering in the relationship.

My suggestion would be to make your case to your friend in a friendly and positive way, ie telling them you have nothing against them and wish to remain friends, but dislike their SO. Then back away from the whole issue. If its not possible to see your friend without the SO tagging along then you'll probably have to limit your time with them.

But I would do nothing to interfere. That can only backfire in your face even if you are proven to be ultimately correct.

 

[Ange1icflowers]

I would tell your friend who is in the relationship that once a control freak (even with coersion) always a control freak. I had a great relationship once that went REALLY bad(he even started to hit me) once some coersion from "friends" started. It turns out that's how he really is and was hiding it. Eventually people's true colors come out and you can see what they are like. I would also tell your friend that she needs to get a new boyfriend. She doesn't need to be controlled. She's a big girl who can take care of herself...and doesn't need him telling her when and where to do everything. In my opinion...it will only get worse!

Good Luck

Angel

 

[april-wine]

Apparently the shit stirrer, has an interest here....

 

[Blackbich]

Your friend's boyfriend is insecure and is using the 'influence' of his 'friend' to show his true colors. It would have happened sooner or later.

She probably won't want to hear it but I'd try to tell her, without getting defensive or obnoxious, your concerns - once. After that, you will have to let the chips fall where they may. Keep in mind that, if she tells him your concerns, you will hear from her less than you already do. He is in the process of trying to cut her off from her friends now and things will only get worse. Let her know you will be there for her then you will have to let things run their course. Unless your friend is strong enough to leave now, which is possible. However, I think if this were the case she would have left when the controlling behavior first began. But then...she could think she's overreacting and needs to hear it from someone else.

All I can say is 'good luck'. You're going to need it, sweetheart.

 

[Lancecastor]

Would you 'interfere'?

Yes, you should interfere....all women are genetically encoded to stick their noses in other people's business, especially relationships and double especially others' marriages.

Start with the telephone...everyone should know of their problems, ASAP!

Make sure to describe the husband as controlling and verbally abusive...because remember, his buddies are already calling her a slut and a whore.

Isn't love grand?

 

[BgMma]

I agree with april-wine

This shit-stirrer thinks there is something in it for him/her.

The best thing to do is to let it play out on it's own, but if you really can't stand to see her being treated this way, I say go for it.

Confrontation may not be the best idea, but it could be the only thing that makes the situation better. If she doesn't talk to you anymore, then she isn't worth it.

If she comes to her senses, she might actually be thankful.

Either way, I feel for you. I would hate to be in your position. i feel for her, too.

Good luck, honey.

 

[RoyalPurpleVelv]

You can't tell them anything

One of my closest friends, and at the time my roommate, was in a very similar situation. The guys she was dating and had practicly moved in with had some major emotional issues and was incredibly jealous of every little thing. So I'll tell you what I did and what happened.

When he started getting controlling I asked her questions about what she thought and how she felt about what he was doing. If she thought he was good for her, how did she feel about not being able to spend time with her friends, that sort of thing.

Her answers told me that she didn't see his controlling as a huge problem, yet. So I had to back off.

NOTHING I TOLD HER WAS GOING TO CHANGE HER MIND, AND NOTHING YOU TELL YOUR FRIEND WILL CHANGE HER MIND EITHER UNTILL SHE IS READY TO LEAVE.

One night I woke up at 3am becase I heard her come home. When she had finally woken up to how bad her situation had gotten, (and he never came anywhere near hitting her) she got out. But untill she did nothing I said or did could change her mind.

The only thing you can do is maintain contact as much as you can and be a shoulder to cry on when your friend asks for your help.

 

[sweet soft kiss]

Is the whispering "friend" named Iago?

Sounds like pure jealousy to me.

I know I couldn't stay in a relationship where no trust existed... and thats what jealousy is really... a lack of trust...But as others have stated your friend won't change until she is ready to. I would tell her what you think and hope that she hears what you are saying...

 

[juicylips]

Is the whispering "friend" named Iago?

Sounds like pure jealousy to me.

Othello jumped in my mind as I read her post, too.

You're a smart cookie, debs. Take all this advice, stir and shake it with your heart and you'll know what to do.

I ya.

 

[SuperDot69]

i've got a friend in a similar sitch...

my friend tho is 30 yrs the junior of the man she's living with/dating. they have recently gotten engaged and i wrote her a letter asking if she was absotively, posolutely 350% sure she wanted to do it. especially seeing as they have fought(badly) more than anything for the past 8+ months. he gave her some sob story about how he's been done so wrong in the past(he's been married 3 other times, the 3rd lasting only 6 weeks) and it took finally having to put his dog to sleep(he'd had her 14 yrs) to show him how much he needed her, etc, etc, etc...

i'm still worried, but there's nothing more i can do for her other than be there to support her and help her if she needs me.

 

[Debbie]

Thanks people, read and digesting.

Lance, I am very careful where I stick my nose.

I was contemplating having a word with
him and asking him what his problem was.
In a nice way of course.

Is caring about someone sticking your nose where
it isn't wanted?

I don't ignore it when my neighbour starts beating on his
g/f.


Why would I ignore the situation with a friend I care about?

Yes, she is a fully grown woman and it is her life.

I can't talk to her on her own.
He is her shadow, no email contact.
She isn't allowed to use the computer
except for when he is around.


She is a lovely person, kind hearted
and full of laughter. Till recently.

I miss my friend and hope that she is ok
when I can't see or hear from her.

No I know he won't hurt her.

 

[cocktail42]

A lot of innuendo and malicious talk
that was based on her flirting, in an open
non serious way. Till the 'friend' started
whispering in his ear he was trusting and
not jealous.

All right I am going to play Devil's Advocate here. First, I agree with most of the posters that you should not interfere because nothing will be gained - no one here wants to hear anything other than what they already believe.
Now, having recently been placed in a similar position (without being controlling, thank you), I will take the 'evil' boyfriend's side.
If there is nothing to talk about it's hard to stir up malicious gossip. If there is a base of "her flirting, in an open non serious way" then we are open to interpretation. One person may interpret a considered offer of having sex with someone an 'innocent' flirtation, someone else may consider it a hurtful incident that will lead to distrust, especially if displayed in public (apparently her behavior was since everyone seemed to know about it - a public debasement of a relationship doesn't make it more innocent than a private one). In order to keep trust you must behave in a trustworthy manner or at least be clear what the rules of the game are.
I think this relationship is toast and the people are better off having learned from their mistakes and going separate ways - even if his is with the 'Iago' of the piece (be careful what you wish for may become her mantra).

 

[Lancecastor]

Yes, she is a fully grown woman and it is her life.



No I know he won't hurt her.

Above are the two reasons why their relationship is none of your business.



Let them do their thing.

 

[Debbie]

Sorry, cocktail42 your post made me laugh.

"If there is nothing to talk about it's hard to stir up malicious gossip. If there is a base of "her flirting, in an open non serious way" then we are open to interpretation. One person may interpret a considered offer of having sex with someone an 'innocent' flirtation, someone else may consider it a hurtful incident that will lead to distrust, especially if displayed in public (apparently her behavior was since everyone seemed to know about it - a public debasement of a relationship doesn't make it more innocent than a private one). In order to keep trust you must behave in a trustworthy manner or at least be clear what the rules of the game are."

bigrednz and I have rules to the net, out of respect for each other
and that is a good thing in a relationship.

Having boundaries and knowing what is ok for you and your
partner.

What made me laugh is this,
"If there is nothing to talk about it's hard to stir up malicious gossip."

Some people are soo good at stirring shit that they should do it as a full time job. This friend seems to have her own agenda.
And appears to me to be very smug about what she has tried to do.

Lance, I hear you, loud and clear.

I'll mind my own business like a good little
girl.

 

[cocktail42]

Sorry, cocktail42 your post made me laugh.

What made me laugh is this,
"If there is nothing to talk about it's hard to stir up malicious gossip."

Some people are soo good at stirring shit that they should do it as a full time job. This friend seems to have her own agenda.
And appears to me to be very smug about what she has tried to do.

Well, most people are not geniuses in being consistent with their lies and usually trip themselves up. The worst and best that can happen is that she ends up with the control freak. She did not make him a control freak, that was his natural personality. It probably would have come out sooner or later. If she ends up with him maybe instead of "Othello" we will have "All's well that ends well".

 

[erosman]

Geez, Deb, you did good in just speaking your mind. That's a good rule to follow. Secondly, don't assume the worst. Address it as though you expect him to see how he's changing. It can help him be less defensive.

 

[Debbie]

Thanks erosman, good advice.
After all I don't think he is all bad.
Just not thinking right based on the bad info he
has been given. Trust is a big issue in any relationship/
friendship.

You know what? Gossip can be very destructive
and believable. I'm not just talking about,"Did you see what she is wearing?" Or,"I heard she wears a wig."

But this sort of thing."Yeah I know for a fact she
chats up heaps of guys and flirts openly. I heard that
she was cybering them too."


cocktail42, I know what you mean. But if you are stirring?
And 'bending/stretching' the truth? It can take longer for the
person who is being bullshitted to, to figure it out.
Especially if you trust that person.

Is he a control freak?
Or doing what he thinks is protecting his
own interests? Not realising he has overstepped
the mark, not trusting her and being too possessive.

Just thinking aloud.