advice on tuning this chapter

[kristydoll]

I have decided to post "Tahlia's Journey" here. Though most of the story is done, I have never been pleased with the first chapter - and mainly Tahlia and Wendy's conversation at the very beginning. What was like 'disjointed' talk between two friends reads 'off' to me in print.

Any advice on this or the chapter is appreciated.

kristy

ps - the link to this chapter is my sig

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Chapter 1

There is a problem with the dialog; several really, buthere's the main thing: It's not necessary. Your story really begins when Thalia discovers the Tavern. Start it there and tell what brought her there as you go along.
I would do it like this: Start it where she walks into the Tavern with her friend, and tell us exactly what she sees and what she thinks of what she sees. She sees a woman in a leash. She's horrified, but strangely attracted too. She passes a bnunch of leather-clad Doms who stare at her. She's embarrassed but suddenly very excited. She knows in her soul that she has found her world. Now she has to find her place in it.

You're very good in doing the sex scenes. They flow, they feel natural, and they're exciting. It's the explication--the build-up to the sex scene you have trouble with.
But you'd be surprised how little the reader has to know before they're interested in your story. You should pare down the "what went before" stuff to the bare essentials. We don't even have to know that she met Master Falcon before. Have him meet her that night. It simplifies things.
I know that this is a fictionalized version of your own journey and so you want to report what happened the way they happened. But unless you're really good, that's hard to do in fiction, because real life is sloppy, confused, and not pretty. You've got to pick and choose and be careful what you report.

Ifyou want to keep your dialog in, then take out the paragraph in the middle where you tell us what they're talking about. It makes no sense to have them talking about something and then tell us what they're talkig about.
And read the dialog aloud to yourself if you have to, and ask yourself, "Is this how people actually talk?" Do people really say a place is somewhere "people go to enjoy themselves"? Or do they say it's aplace where "people go to hang out" or "Have fun".
Dialog, by the way, is an art in itself. It's surprisingly difficult.

Is that enough?

No?

Okay: focus on what happens to her and WHAT SHE THINKS ABOUT IT. That's my own request, because I've always wanted to understand what motivates a sub, and they all seem so reluctant to talk about it.

So kick some ass,

---dr.M.

 

[kristydoll]

Thank you dr_mabeuse for all the feedback you provided. I know this chapter rambled all over. I will consider all the points you provided - though I think I do wish to keep their initial conversation - but will rework it with the advice given *smiles*

Okay: focus on what happens to her and WHAT SHE THINKS ABOUT IT. That's my own request, because I've always wanted to understand what motivates a sub, and they all seem so reluctant to talk about it.

I hope this series does do this. In fact, most of this 'journey' is about her feelings and development instead of 'just bdsm sexual scenes' - though those will be included.

Again, my thanks

kristy

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Deep

Always happy to helpa sub in need!

What I'm hoping for in the way of what she feels is a really deep exploration. I've read lots of D/s stuff where we're told that it "thirlled her" to be treated this way or that. What I've never seen is an analysis of just why it thrilled her. I mean: just why does it feel so exciting to be tied up or whipped or treated that way. Does she feel like she deserves mistreatment, or does it make her feel that her Dom must really care for her to be so cruel, or does the pain just physically excite her or what? I'm not sure if anyone even knows,

Anyhow, good luck with it.

---dr.M.

 

[sirhugs]

I disagree fundamentally. The good doctor says "tell". The rfirst rule of readability is 'show, not tell'. Burdening the reader with excessive description at the beginning will turn them away.
Computer reads scan, we don't read word by word. You need to grab our eyes, hearts , and minds. For erotica, also our hormones.

you do start the dialogue in an awkward spot- you need a stronger first bit. Perhaps not even of dialogue.

i'd move the opening stage setting to after Thalia's response to Wendy. As the opener, I'd do something like:

" Thalia was afraid her confession to Wendy had just destroyed her best friendship."

Attention getting. The reader wonders "what confession?", and becomes invested in the story. It also introduces the posibility of conflict, the essential of good drama. Thalia's emotions are introduced, and we start to care.

You can then take the doc's advice, but weave the emotions in, rather than dumping them in one spot by the truckload.

A bigger problem for me was the number of run-on setences, and excessive use of the passive voice. i do not recall this as typical of your other stories, which I usually enjoy for their readability, even though bdsm isn't my fave. You are rare in that you are a bdsm authour whose stories I pick out of the new list right away.

Abandoning dialogue in the mid section of the story also bogs it down. The readability picks up immediately as she starts talking to master Falcon. You go 10 paragraphs without any dialogue. why not add some discussion with wendy after wendy pulls into the drive, say as they drive to the club? Thalia could express her fears and conflicted emotions to wendy, who reassures her. then three paragrahs laterr, you tell the reader about her talking to Wendy- why not recount the conversation, to show the reader? same thing two paras later when she mumbles to herself- show us by having Thalia mumble " Thalia, you are a silly girl."

In the last third of the story, you use active voice, mostly shorter sentences, and mix in dialogue. That part is well paced and lively.

I hope an alternative view helps yu chose what is right for you.

 

[kristydoll]

Thank you, sirhugs, for your input. I do appreciate *smiles*

Attention getting. The reader wonders "what confession?", and becomes invested in the story. It also introduces the posibility of conflict, the essential of good drama. Thalia's emotions are introduced, and we start to care.

Very good point - and one I will put to use.

A bigger problem for me was the number of run-on setences, and excessive use of the passive voice. i do not recall this as typical of your other stories, which I usually enjoy for their readability, even though bdsm isn't my fave.

Thank you again - I will take this as I am improving *grins*. This series was written over two years ago, and I haven't touched it since.

The rest of your review was helpful as well. I shall now go on and "edit" my chapters more critically before submission. This first one was always hell for me - but I now have some very helpful advice from you and dr_mabeuse.

Thank you again,

kristy