Advice on how to get bf to open up sexually

[Wonderwoman87]

I have been with my boyfriend over three years and I still can't get him to fully open/loosen up sexually. He starts and then pulls back again. We have amazing sex but I can tell he's holding back. He won't even talk or have a conversation about it. I want more....I have tried everything. Suggestions please

 

[WhiteManFux]

I have been with my boyfriend over three years and I still can't get him to fully open/loosen up sexually. He starts and then pulls back again. We have amazing sex but I can tell he's holding back. He won't even talk or have a conversation about it. I want more....I have tried everything. Suggestions please

Sad that he is not more open to conversation. This truly is where it's all at. You do say that the sex is amazing. That is a good thing at least. It would be worse if the sex was less that that. Or, even not at all. That being said. I can absolutely appreciate you wanting him to completely let go. Maybe, the less he is reminded of things will prove to be beneficial for him. Perhaps, allowing him to finally feel the comfort at some point to not hold back. It sounds as if you are nothing other than very sincere and simply hopeful. Variety always allows for the chance for vivid discoveries. The main thing I can even try to suggest perhaps is a combination of patience and persistence.

 

[Othermoose]

Maybe he's afraid of what he likes? Like if he has a rape fantasy and he's afraid he'll hurt you. Or something along those lines. Just my two cents.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

What makes you think he's holding back as opposed to trying to control his timing so that you can enjoy him longer? Are there specific things that you've brought to him that he's declined? Is there a chance that he's happy with how things are and doesn't want to rock the boat?

 

[subwannabe]

If you've tried everything then there's no need to beat a dead horse. I don't know how women fall in love so easily and always want to try their best at making dead end relationships work. Dating is for finding the right person. If you find that you are not with the right person then you move on. A person is who they are but women always think they can change a guy. That rarely happens.

 

[NextDoorSecret]

If you've tried everything then there's no need to beat a dead horse. I don't know how women fall in love so easily and always want to try their best at making dead end relationships work. Dating is for finding the right person. If you find that you are not with the right person then you move on. A person is who they are but women always think they can change a guy. That rarely happens.

You say you don't know how women try their best.. I don't know how some men think that giving up is the answer.
It didn't sound to me like she's looking to change him but more to get him to feel comfortable enough with her to be who he is.

 

[Dyslexicea]

If you've tried everything then there's no need to beat a dead horse. I don't know how women fall in love so easily and always want to try their best at making dead end relationships work. Dating is for finding the right person. If you find that you are not with the right person then you move on. A person is who they are but women always think they can change a guy. That rarely happens.

A rather misogynistic view of the world. Women always, always fall in love to easily! Women always, always, always try to change their partners? Of course men never do the same, do they? We women do very nicely without some asswipe mansplaining to us how we're suppose to live our lives, even worse mansplaining just how awful we all are. Take it to the bar or a men's rights website where all the other lonely asswipes hangout maybe they'll listen to you.

It's more than laughable to hear this shit from you, a man who's relationships sucks because he's tried and can't change his own wife, not for her benefit, not for both your benefits but to meet your own kinky wants.

As far as I can see the OP is not trying to change her boyfriend, she's trying to liberate him, in order to liven up their sex life for the benefit of both! She didn't, I repeat didn't, say she wasn't happy in her relationship. Maybe you need to take Relationship 101, there's a lot more to a happy relationship than just sex, something she did say was already amazing.

Wonderwoman87,

I don't have any suggestion for you other than keep trying, keep the lines of communication open. When you do talk about expanding your sex life do it in a non threatening and non judgmental way.

 

[subwannabe]

Wow. That was hostile. I was speaking in a generalization but generalizations are generalizations for a reason - because they are true more often than not. Of course generalizations don't apply to everyone. It's actually funny that you don't think she's trying to change him - only "liberate" him. That's really mincing words. By "liberating" him she is trying to change him because she wants him to be changed. I mean let's call a spade a spade. If she was totally happy in her relationship then why is she posting here? Oh, yeah, I forgot already. She is trying to liberate him.

Sorry to disappoint you but I'm already way past relationship 101, been married a long time, longer than most here. Our life is fairly good overall. Sex could be better and more frequent. I guess I wasted my time trying to communicate, being more romantic, helping around the house more, etc. when I should have been trying to "liberate" her.

I was mainly referring to people who are dating where the women just refuse to move on to something better. Dating is meant to be a process of finding the right person instead of trying to make lemonade out of lemons. Marriage is a different ballgame. You have vows, commitments, children, etc. and these people should work on their marriage as much as they can.

 

[Primalex]

As far as I can see the OP is not trying to change her boyfriend,

"I want more...." doesn't sound like "I want you the way you are."

she's trying to liberate him, in order to liven up their sex life for the benefit of both!

sex, something she did say was already amazing.

So, she is trying to liberate him by improving an amazing sex life?


Yeah, I guess the rapists out there are just trying to liberate the slut inside.

 

[MatthewVett]

http://mojoupgrade.com/ This test might help. Each partner talks about what kind of things they'd like to try. At the end, it sends out those things that both partners said yes to. So if you're into scat, and your partner isn't, they never find out you said yes. It's a nice way to be able to find out what kinks you have in common without fearing rejection or disgust.

 

[Dyslexicea]

"I want more...." doesn't sound like "I want you the way you are."

I just love to debate you, or irritate you which seems to be more the case.

Think of it this way, luv, you don't know how to ride a bike without training wheels, you're afraid to take it to the next level, daddy thinks you're a pussy( sexist I know but it's the way of our manly world). You're more afraid of daddy dearest thinking you're a pussy than riding a bike like a big boy. After a few scrapes and bruises you learn to ride a bike.

Has this act changed you as a person? You've learned a skill which has nothing to do with changing you as a person. I'll grant this action, in the case of a little boy or little girl, may result in more confidence, which is a change for the better but daddy dearest didn't want you to learn to ride a bike to change you. Just as the OP's intent to expand their sex life isn't about her trying to change her boyfriend. Learning a new skill, being great at sex, is just that a new skill.

So, she is trying to liberate him by improving an amazing sex life?

Let me answer it this way, I've had an amazing sex life for a number of years, actually going back to my first sexual encounter with another woman, the fact that my sex life is more amazing now doesn't make it any of those early experiences not amazing.

Yeah, I guess the rapists out there are just trying to liberate the slut inside.

Using a false equivalency doesn't enhance your point it makes your point moot. I've always thought of you as at least a competent troll, this kind of statement brings you down to the level of our beloved JAMES, less than mediocre at best.

 

[subwannabe]

Wow. We're suffering from a little hypocritical double standard here. If the OP had been a male complaining about his wife not giving him head or anal but wanted to expand her horizon's, not for himself, but because he wanted his wife to be "liberated" to new sexual heights, not only you but many others would have blasted him with both barrels.

 

[Que]

I just love to debate you, or irritate you which seems to be more the case.

Think of it this way, luv, you don't know how to ride a bike without training wheels, you're afraid to take it to the next level, daddy thinks you're a pussy( sexist I know but it's the way of our manly world). You're more afraid of daddy dearest thinking you're a pussy than riding a bike like a big boy. After a few scrapes and bruises you learn to ride a bike.

Has this act changed you as a person? You've learned a skill which has nothing to do with changing you as a person. I'll grant this action, in the case of a little boy or little girl, may result in more confidence, which is a change for the better but daddy dearest didn't want you to learn to ride a bike to change you. Just as the OP's intent to expand their sex life isn't about her trying to change her boyfriend. Learning a new skill, being great at sex, is just that a new skill.


Let me answer it this way, I've had an amazing sex life for a number of years, actually going back to my first sexual encounter with another woman, the fact that my sex life is more amazing now doesn't make it any of those early experiences not amazing.


Using a false equivalency doesn't enhance your point it makes your point moot. I've always thought of you as at least a competent troll, this kind of statement brings you down to the level of our beloved JAMES, less than mediocre at best.

Because he is not following some script that is going on inside her head, he is having amazing sex with training wheels? Really?

 

[Dyslexicea]

Wow. We're suffering from a little hypocritical double standard here. If the OP had been a male complaining about his wife not giving him head or anal but wanted to expand her horizon's, not for himself, but because he wanted his wife to be "liberated" to new sexual heights, not only you but many others would have blasted him with both barrels.

I should just ignore you but I've a few minutes to waste so I'll waste them on you.

Please show me where I've ever given any woman advice not to do whatever, unless it was against her nature and doing so would violate the meaning of consent? Being bullied, abused or belittled into doing something is a long way from consent. Show me where I've ever belittled a man for asking, not complaining, either of those question?

I really think you need to learn how to read or at least comprehend what you do read, the OP wrote "We have amazing sex but I can tell he's holding back." A long way from complaining. As far as I know holding back isn't about a specific sexual act. Even if it was, I believe in consent and if for whatever reason he is unwilling to consent to do any sexual act, I'll side with him.

There is a big difference between someone asking for advice and someone complaining about their significant other not doing this or that. I have never seen you ask for advice about anything, maybe I missed that, I'm not here often. What I have seen in many of your post is nothing but you complaining about your wife. Not only that but a person, who would withhold romance, tenderness and intimacy from his wife because he wasn't getting his own way sexually doesn't rate highly in my book. It's also emotional blackmail, even if she would give in it's not true consent. Maybe you need to follow the same advice you seen to give to so many others here, get a divorce or give up and leave.

Even if a man asked how does he persuade his wife or girlfriend to suck his cock or let him stick his dick in her ass, neither act I find repulsive or offensive by the way, I wouldn't answer because I wouldn't have the slightest idea how to advice him. On the other hand if he spent most of his post complaining about her, I might make a comment that wouldn't be nicely put.

If you want my opinion here it is. I think a woman who's with a man and won't give him a blow job is missing out, so I'd advice her to go for it.

Anal sex or play is much more complicated, many issues have to be overcome. Even if those issues can be overcome part of my advice likely would be for him to go first. She can put on a harness, pick the appropriate size dildo, use lots of lube and have her fun first. I wonder how many men who want anal sex would be pushing for anal sex if all things were equal, many would run for the hills. Double Standards!

We've even had women ask the “How do I get my husband or boyfriend to go down on me.” Some of the post by men to this question are rude, crude and obnoxious. Double Standards!

 

[GiggLeGasm]

while I find the above post very well written and not without merit, I also understand what subwanna suggests. The bottom line is.. maybe the guy doesn't want any more than he's already getting. Maybe he said no and it should mean no. We're suggesting that she should do him this great, liberating service.. but maybe he's fine right where he is.
I'm not sure I'd call it a double standard. I think I have that opinion regardless the gender.. and things tend to get misinterpreted here when we get away from the original question..
but the op really hasn't given much information about what she wants or how she suggests it. She calls herself a sub.. but maybe he isn't a Dom

 

[subwannabe]

He won't even talk or have a conversation about it. I want more....I have tried everything. Suggestions please

It looks like you see the half glass one way while I see it the other. He's not interested in being "liberated". She is wanting to change someone that doesn't want to be changed. I don't ask for advice here because I have already seen several guys make my post and so far I have never seen anyone give them advice that I haven't already tried myself numerous times. It's always that the guy is to blame and he should be doing this or that. My main gripe is I'm tired of doing all the work doing this or that when she initiates nothing in any way. I'd even be happy if she took the bull by the horns just 10% of the time. To quote the OP though, my sex life is also "amazing" - when we do it but wish it was more frequent and varied and that she would initiate once in a while instead of just leaving everything up to me. For the record, she is actually into anal more than I am. Not really one of my things. Just used it for an example.

 

[NextDoorSecret]

I've read this thread several times because I'm intrigued by it and my reaction to it. I rethought my position on it after it was questioned whether or not there is a double standard being perpetrated here and really made myself question what I was thinking.
I still come out on the same side. I am not saying to push him into anything he doesn't want, but I will always say to try and have open and honest communication about things before giving up. It doesn't make one a bad person to say "I would like more..." or "I'd like to try..." and if they don't want to then to give their honest thoughts and feelings on the subject.
I'd have made the same statement if a man had written this as well.

 

[NightL]

Maybe a different approach to this...

1. Honesty - the conversation has to be had "I have been loving how we have grown, but I like it so much I just want more. I want you to help me explore this. It think it could be a lot of fun and if it gets silly or we make mistakes we could have laughs along the way as well.

2. Guide him - this is where you don't hold back. "tonight I want you to do exactly as I ask - you will be rewarded for the effort". If you guide him well then obviously your response will be greater - most partners will get off in witnessing how what they are doing is being received. If you guide him well your heightened response will give him confidence. For these initial steps let him know that you are taking responsibility for how things proceed - his responsibility is to follow your requests, if you are not getting out of the situation what you want then he has to know that it is not his fault - your guidance is at fault.

3. Laugh at every mistake together then do it again and again until it starts to work.

If all goes well you can encourage him to take initiative along the way. Always let him know what is working and what is not. If he is not instinctively picking up on your body signals, tell him what they are and what to look out for or what to avoid. When you want more, when you want to slow down, harder, rougher, gentle, just there KEEP doing THAT! Teach him your body signals and breathing.

His reward will be lifting to a heightened state never before experienced by following it through with you. For a while this will be your responsibility to help him understand you.

After I had been in a 6 year relationship and thought I knew what was what (I didn't), my 2nd main partner in life took me by the hand like this when I was 23. Initially she took full responsibility for her own pleasure and guided me well. I was an eager learner - her responses encouraged me all the more and a whole new world opened up.

 

[Que]

I've read this thread several times because I'm intrigued by it and my reaction to it. I rethought my position on it after it was questioned whether or not there is a double standard being perpetrated here and really made myself question what I was thinking.
I still come out on the same side. I am not saying to push him into anything he doesn't want, but I will always say to try and have open and honest communication about things before giving up. It doesn't make one a bad person to say "I would like more..." or "I'd like to try..." and if they don't want to then to give their honest thoughts and feelings on the subject.
I'd have made the same statement if a man had written this as well.

Agreed. The only thing that I saw in the OP that made me think he could legitimately use some "opening" up was her statement that he is uncomfortable talking about it.

Some people feel weird talking about sexual things in the cold light of day, away from the bedroom. If he cannot talk about sex WHILE having sex, then there might be a problem. One should not be more hesitant to talk about something than to do it, I think.

 

[LadyVer]

It's really difficult to give advice when not much info is given. How long have the OP and her partner known each other, besides the 3 years of being involved? How old are they? Do they both work full-time and have stressful jobs? Are there kids in the home? Are they introverts or extroverts? If the sex is so great, why is there a need to change? Does one partner have the right to expect the other partner to totally spill their guts on everything on demand? (No, they don't). There is a process involved in relationships. Relax and enjoy the ride. At some point, maybe he will be ready to open up, but no one likes feeling pressured to meet expectations by their partner, especially males, no matter how good the relationship is.