advice needed

[remos1234]

i know this is not the place for an emotional advice but i trust the judgement of u guys so much i know i can count on you. the thing is this, my best friend (i'm male) has began sleeping with his girlfriend about 2 months ago. During the time he denied of doing so to me, until yesterday when he told me so himself willingly (i didn't push it, he decided to tell me, he brought it up). I love this friend very much and this got me upset cause i would like to know these kind of things as a friend and all. i know his personal life is personal, but in my head he should at least tell me instead of pretending for 2 months and lying to me. he told me that he couldnt tell anyone until the right time had come for him but it still hurt. we are both 20 so u can imagine that at this age, these kind of issues are adressed most in our conversations. i know that i should respect his privacy and what he would like, the thing is i can understand that he is right but it still hurts to me. what is wrong with me? i can't get this out of my head! it seems to me that he is putting her first over me. i know i'm silly but that's how i feel. this has happened in the past with every girl he slept with and it always felt like that to me, yet when i tell him he says that i am 100% wrong and that it's his decision to tell me or not. why can't i get that? this is eating me up inside, please help. what do u think? any experiences like this? another friend told me that i shouldn't get that close to my friends at this age and all, but i already have, i feel like we are brothers and i am not willing to risk that for anything.

 

[dollface007]

Okay, I'm not a guy or anything, so i could be totally off, but it seems to me that male friends (and female friends) don't usually repeatedly ask their friends if they've had sex with their girlfriends. It seems kind of juvenile. Maybe he didn't tell you b/c he was annoyed with you for asking...or maybe his girlfriend didn't want you prying into her sex life...or maybe it's none of your damn business. He may be as close as your brother, but not all brothers tell each other stuff like that!!

You may feel he owes that to you b/c you're friends, but sex is very personal and involves 2 people...he doesn't owe you anything when it comes to his sex life. He probably shouldn't have lied, i'll give you that. He probably should have said, "That's personal and a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell."

You sound like you are really emotionally dependent on this friend...do you have a life outside of this friendship? It is hard to balance friendships and romantic relationships, but you have to give the guy some space.

 

[sheath]

First, a question...have you asked your friend WHY he didn't tell you? Some people prefer to keep things very private until they are established in their relationships, then allow a little to be known, a little at a time. That's not unusual, and perhaps your friend is like that.

I'm sure he isn't turning away from you. But remember that friendships change and shift. They might look different after someone else comes into one of your lives, but the friendship is still there. A significant other coming into the friendship is definitely going to change the dynamic.

The question is: How much will you LET it change the friendship?

In my opinion...give your friend your unbridled support. Even if you don't agree with his decisions. Because it is not your job to agree...as his friend, it is your job to support him, be there for him, and not judge. You don't have to understand why he does what he does. But you do have to accept it as a part of him and his choices.

If you don't agree with his choices or find it really that difficult to accept, then perhaps you should take a good look at the friendship and ask yourself if you should really let it continue.

Good luck...

S.

 

[Nemasis Enforcer]

i know this is not the place for an emotional advice but i trust the judgement of u guys so much i know i can count on you. the thing is this, my best friend (i'm male) has began sleeping with his girlfriend about 2 months ago. During the time he denied of doing so to me, until yesterday when he told me so himself willingly (i didn't push it, he decided to tell me, he brought it up). I love this friend very much and this got me upset cause i would like to know these kind of things as a friend and all. i know his personal life is personal, but in my head he should at least tell me instead of pretending for 2 months and lying to me. he told me that he couldnt tell anyone until the right time had come for him but it still hurt. we are both 20 so u can imagine that at this age, these kind of issues are adressed most in our conversations. i know that i should respect his privacy and what he would like, the thing is i can understand that he is right but it still hurts to me. what is wrong with me? i can't get this out of my head! it seems to me that he is putting her first over me. i know i'm silly but that's how i feel. this has happened in the past with every girl he slept with and it always felt like that to me, yet when i tell him he says that i am 100% wrong and that it's his decision to tell me or not. why can't i get that? this is eating me up inside, please help. what do u think? any experiences like this? another friend told me that i shouldn't get that close to my friends at this age and all, but i already have, i feel like we are brothers and i am not willing to risk that for anything.

Just chill mate...

Your friend didn't tell you he was sleeping with HIS girlfriend.. is that actually such a bad thing?, im sure you don't tell him everything that you do and just because he has kept this from you doesn't mean that he isn't still your friend!.

I get the feeling that your a little jealous that he is having sex and(if not consiously then unconsiously) want to keep him to yourself and you see his g/f as someone that will take him away from you by giving him something you can't.

It may be a big deal to him the sex thing and he may not want it broadcast until he feels comfortable with the situation he's in.

Your other friend is right you shouldn't get too close to your firnds at 20, I get the feeling that you should go out and find yourself a partner and try to be less dependent on your friends.

I had a similar experiance with a friend of mine who always wanted to know what I was doing and be with me but in the end I just had to tell her that she needed to move on with her life and stop obsessing with what I did.

Maybe you should try the same, still be friends but don't worry about what he's doing too much at the end of the day you are still gonna be his friend but I think from personal experiance if you keep this up he's not gonna be yours for much longer.

 

[hook848]

remos,

I think your friend's discretion when it comes to his sex life shows a certain level of maturity. Its a quality you should appreciate in your friend. You need to show the same maturity. Accept the fact his girlfriend will occupy his time and he doesn't need to explain it to you. Worry about yourself and not what you think people should be telling you.

Hook

 

[remos1234]

i asked y and he said that it didn't feel right to tell me at the time
yeah you are right every1. just needed some words of advice to put me on the right track. i guess nemasis is right, i might be too emotionally dependent. never had a real relationship with a girl so i got really close to my friends instead. i feel like an ass now for what i felt before i'll just take it easy, thanks to you all

 

[Ms_Kat]

Remos,


If he has a serious relationshp with this girl, then he HAS to put her first. I understand that it hurts to be lied to, but it really is between the two of them.

Don't take this wrong, but you sound like a gay man who just saw his crush with a woman. Maybe your "friendship" is turning or has turned into something else.

Hugs,


Kat