Advice Needed On an Indiscretion

[Next_Step2]

Dear Lit Readers,

I need your input on an indiscretion I made. You see I took another guys dick in my mouth and now I’m tying to make sense of it all. Since there are no friends I can discuss this with, and after reading Lit and the honest and valuable comments/ advise its members write, my husband and I want Lit readers’ opinions and feedback.

While our marriage is weathering this indiscretion, it hadn’t been good for a long time. Knowing each other 11 years before marrying 15 years ago, we’ve had half a lifetime together and were best friends first. But typical job, time and money stressors took its toll on our relationship. We grew apart and shut each other out emotionally and physically while raising our two young children. For many years we didn’t realize I was depressed but finally medication helped me get past that. We had hit rock bottom in our relationship and often questioned so many aspects of our marriage. But always there was that something that kept us from walking away. We really love each other! It was just that we needed to like each other again and after tons of hours of conversation we felt good again about US. Like spring had sprung and we were smelling the flowers like Sleeping Beauty.

During that long time we had “died” sexually. We just went through the motions. So to add spice we fantasized about a threesome which gave an “edge” to our sex life. For my husband the fantasies were just that, fantasy. It was always just pillow talk. But I didn’t realize that, I thought after a while he was interested in it happening. The talk seemed like he really wanted to and I eventually became more comfortable with the idea. He even talked about me blowing an old friend by Labor Day. Problem was we didn’t realize we were on different pages.

And that’s how it happened, me blowing another guy. A co-worker was quite a jokester and would act like a real pussy tease. I had teased him back on occasion and joked then about his birthday spankings. One tease led to another and I thought we were moving towards some fun all together, we even talked about not telling other co-workers, that this kind of thing would be just our secret. So when a grab of the ass here and a spank there led a little too far, I didn’t jump off the band wagon, I stupidly jump in without even looking and I ended up sucking him off. Rather than establishing guidelines and going step by step, I messed it all up from the start.

See I thought that I was doing a good thing towards a threesome but instead I lost a grip on reality and did something that was foolish and hurtful to the man I love the most. I am torturing myself with the why and how’s hoping that I can find some words or thoughts that turns this whole thing around.

The worst part is now my husband is tormented by the thought of me being the office whore and is worried of what my co-worker thinks of me. And to top it off, the fun teasing and possible threesome seems a dead idea. I’ve told my co-worker what fun we all could have no strings attached and asked him to come home with me. For the record, he said he didn’t think of me badly. But I can see that the fun just isn’t the same and he’s backed off being such a tease. I certainly can’t push it too much for fear of work place sexual tension which I knew right from the start that this was a stupid and dangerous situation. The part that seemed okay was that he has as much to loose as I do. Now that it’s all messed up I have lost the trust of my husband, his faith in me, possibly my marriage with none of this having happened. All I did was screw it up royally!

The weirdest part of this is that it has pushed our marriage into the deepest self counseling that is possible. We’ve talked about so much a lot of good is coming from this. However it still remains that the guilt and the angst, pain and hurt it has brought to both of us is at times too much to bear. The thought of loosing the one person I love more than life itself rips me apart and all the mental torture is killing him.

Please, I need advice. Has anyone else gone through something like this? Any words of wisdom are very much welcomed. I need to know how a marriage goes from here.

 

[Tetriak]

You should probably report this incident to Human Resources immediately. Post-haste.

While policy does vary from office to office, I can say with some degree of certainty that commiting an act of fellatio contstitutes in a serious act of sexual harrasment.

----
I'm not sure teh internets can help you in this matter.

If you're serious about this issue, why not talk to a professional?

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

probably

Probably there is no way out of the forest except to go through the trees. Meaning, you just need to go through the pain, guilt, remorse, recriminations, and healing together. The good news is that we are all humans. The bad news is that we are all humans. Humans make mistakes and now and then they are DILLYS. You got a dilly to live down. Conduct yourself with dignity at home and work, be willing to admit the mistakes, make no excuses, remember that making assumptions will lead to unfortunate events, and communicate, communicate, communicate and when you get tired of doing that, do it some more. Your husband won't be able to get past it until and unless he feels you "get" the pain and heartache he's gone through. The only way to regain trust is to be trustworthy and OPEN about where you are and what you are doing at all times. Tell the guy you blew it was a mistake, won't happen again and he needs to be a gentleman and keep his mouth shut.
Counseling may well help and do not hesitate to find a good one and go individually and singly as they advise.
N

 

[infinity706]

You should probably report this incident to Human Resources immediately. Post-haste.

While policy does vary from office to office, I can say with some degree of certainty that commiting an act of fellatio contstitutes in a serious act of sexual harrasment.

----
I'm not sure teh internets can help you in this matter.

If you're serious about this issue, why not talk to a professional?

Having sex with someone isn't sexual harassment unless it was coerced, forced, or something. Sexual harassment has to be something unwanted at the time it occurs.

 

[Tetriak]

OR! I just came up with a brilliant solution.

A) You've upset the equilibrium of your marriage.
B) For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction.
C) Order must be restored.

So.

Given,

1) You blew a guy outside the sanctioned confines of your sacred covenant made before God and the Government of the United States of America.

Therefore,
2) Your husband is hereby granted the right to blow one guy. But not more than one.

Balance is restored. Problem solved.

Damn I'm good.

 

[NomadLady]

Probably there is no way out of the forest except to go through the trees. Meaning, you just need to go through the pain, guilt, remorse, recriminations, and healing together. The good news is that we are all humans. The bad news is that we are all humans. Humans make mistakes and now and then they are DILLYS. You got a dilly to live down. Conduct yourself with dignity at home and work, be willing to admit the mistakes, make no excuses, remember that making assumptions will lead to unfortunate events, and communicate, communicate, communicate and when you get tired of doing that, do it some more. Your husband won't be able to get past it until and unless he feels you "get" the pain and heartache he's gone through. The only way to regain trust is to be trustworthy and OPEN about where you are and what you are doing at all times. Tell the guy you blew it was a mistake, won't happen again and he needs to be a gentleman and keep his mouth shut.
Counseling may well help and do not hesitate to find a good one and go individually and singly as they advise.
N

Great advice above.....it does sound like the miscommunication concerning his fantasy life didn't help matters at all so that is where the communication is going to be of the best benefit. Your marriage didn't fall on rocky times overnight and it won't heal that fast either. It seems as though you are doing the best you can with what you have...not much more can be asked at this time.

 

[old_scratch]

Please, I need advice. Has anyone else gone through something like this? Any words of wisdom are very much welcomed. I need to know how a marriage goes from here.

You both screwed up! Not just you, but if your husband openly fantasized about a threesome with you, (and mislead you), he is as guilty as you are. This situation is not uncommon. A man will fantasize about something and really think he wants it, until it happens, and then he can’t deal with his own stupidity. From what you posted, he talked you into it, then bailed. If either of you are going to get past this, he is going to have to accept his own role in this screw-up, and forgive himself for what he did.

Regardless of what he says outwardly to you or the therapist, if you could look inside his mind and see his thoughts, you would find that his guilt comes from his inability to take responsibility for his own “fuck-up”, (and that is the only way he can look at it), and forgive himself for being so stupid. It like a man being lost, he can’t ask directions because he can’t admit making a mistake and getting lost. It’s just how we are.

Your husband accepting his part of the responsibility in this fiasco and forgiving himself is just the first step in repairing your marriage, it’s going to take a lot more.

I suggest that you start dating again, yes, that’s right, dating like people used to. People don’t date anymore, but you are old enough to remember how to date. I know you live in the same house, but still arrange a date for every Friday and Saturday night. Go to a movie, go dancing; have dinner in a quiet, romantic cafe; walk in the park and hold hands; go wherever teenagers park these days and make out, in other words, start your relationship over. Fall in love again and get married, not renew your vows, but buy a license and have a ceremony. He should even buy new wedding rings to symbolize a new beginning. Walk away from the old and start a new life together. Take a honeymoon some place tropical as a man with his new bride.

And you: find another job! Whether you think you do or not, every time you go to work, (where this co-worker works or worked), you bring home the guilt and slap your husband in the face with it. Even though it wasn’t his fault, you can never, ever have any kind of contact with this co-worker again.

Also, the hardest part: sell the house and move! Get rid of anything that reminds either of you of what happened. If this blow-job occurred in your home, get rid of every piece of furniture in that room. Move somewhere that you don’t have to face anyone who knows about this mess. Think you can’t afford to sell the house? If you divorce, after the lawyers get done dividing up the property and taking their share, you are going to lose everything you have anyway. Get rid of everything that reminds him of what happened.

No offense, but after 26 years and two kids, you are probably getting a little out of shape. Start exercising a bit, tone-up; make yourself look better. If you divorce, (whether you believe it or not now), you will tone-up and try to make yourself look better to find a new man, so, you might as well try to make yourself look better for the one you have now.

Change the way you dress, not sexy, not provocatively, but in a way that your husband will feel proud to be seen with you. He has humiliated himself, and you need to help him find his pride again, by learning to be proud of you again.

You think this is all about you, the betrayal, the humiliation, but he did this to himself. Don’t shun your responsibility in this mess, but don’t carry all the blame either. It takes two to screw-up like this.

Before any of the above can happen, your husband is going to have to accept responsibility for his part in this mistake and forgive himself. He may think, or even have said that he takes responsibility, but he hasn’t, (not truly), if he had truly accepted responsibility for his part in what happened, both of you would already know how to get past this.

When *both* of you accept responsibility for your role in what happened, and forgive, not just each other, but yourself, the hill becomes much smaller and easier to climb as husband and wife.

The real blame does not lie with either of you, the real blame lies in our society. Not just this web site, but everywhere you go, (movies, TV, books), everybody tells you how exciting a threesome is, well, it can be exciting for some couples, but not every couple. You and your husband just got caught up in other people’s fantasy and made a mistake.

Forgive each other, forgive yourselves and start over.

 

[rthnck]

I think the fantasy of a MFM is hot but the reality is that it would kill me for my significant other to be involved in one. I really could never get the image out of my mind even if I was a participant. And I find that I have a double standard and would hope that she would forgive me if I strayed because after all, for a man, "it's only sex"

Regaining trust after an indiscretion I believe is impossible. The foundation can be strengthened but I don't believe this type of thing can simply become a thing of the past in a monogamous relationship. IMHO.

I disagree that a significant portion of the blame can be assigned to the here. It's hard for me to picture the miscommunication that the OP insists led to the issue at hand. And certainly no amount of fantasizing about a threesome should lead the OP to the conclusion that she had the go-ahead to sample the goodies beforehand without the participation of her husband. Something in the telling appears to be missing.

I agree with the previous post that for all involved, it's time to change jobs and rebuild the sexual part of the relationship from the ground up. That's the best hope for the survival of the marriage. And communication has to be a wide open two way street. Good luck.

 

[mentionME]

How did the husband mess up? Any actual action should have been discussed beforehand, and a private NJ is far from. Threesome or blowing a friend of theirs. Anyway there's nothing they can do but let time heal the wounds and try to distance themselves from the Guy

 

[KoPilot]

Blowing some dude at work =/= a threesome. Sounds to me like your husband hinted at giving you an inch, and you took the initiative and walked all over him anyways.

I agree: something's definitely missing.

 

[old_scratch]

I still contend the husband bears equal, (if not the lion’s share of), responsibility for what happened.

If you read her words:
“It was always just pillow talk. But I didn’t realize that, I thought after a while he was interested in it happening. The talk seemed like he really wanted to and I eventually became more comfortable with the idea.”

Her statement: “I eventually became more comfortable with the idea”, indicates that originally, this was not her idea alone; rather, it was something she had to become comfortable with over time. This implies that the fantasy originated mostly with her husband, rather than primarily with herself.

It is in the nature of a woman to try to please the man she loves, and when a man creates a fantasy to spice-up the sexual relationship with his wife, he damn-well better make it crystal clear that he is talking fantasy. Because it is in the nature of a woman to please her man, if the wife does not understand that it is only fantasy, she may act on his suggestions thinking it is really what he wants. A woman is *not* a mind-read, and a man has to make his intentions clear, particularly when the reality of his intentions may become disruptive to their relationship.

I strongly suspect that if her husband had not encouraged the “pillow-talk”, she would have never gotten sexually involved with this co-worker. While the blow-job likely aroused and excited her, I suspect that her main motivation was to please her husband, rather than to please herself or her co-worker.

There is an axiom that applies: “If you don’t want to get wet, don’t suggest going for a swim”.

Because of this incident, (and I’m sure many others over the past 26 years), neither this woman nor her husband are the same people they were when they originally met, and because they see each other as different now, (particularly because of this incident), they are going to have to find a new way to relate to each other in their relationship. And wiping the slate clean and starting over is the best way to accomplish that. They love each other now, and in a new relationship, they might even like each other.

I will give some advice to the young men who think the husband bears no blame or responsibility in this matter: If you create a sexual fantasy with your lady, and you refuse to take responsibility when things go wrong, plan on having a lot of failed relationships in your future.

We should all be so lucky to have a woman that would go this far to please us.

 

[rthnck]

Wife blows guy outside of her marriage and somehow the husband bears the lion's share of the blame. WTF?

My 25+ years relationship gives more than a "young man's" perspective.

She has deeds and actions to atone for. He has a miscommunicated fantasy at best

 

[CWatson]

Okay, my first advice is this: take with a grain of salt everything old_scratch says. He has a particular agenda he's trying to advance, and that's that. I'm not saying that he doesn't have plenty of wisdom to share--I actually agree with a fair amount of his comments. But his is an extremist viewpoint and needs to be treated with care, even if only because it's extreme.

The one thing I would really suggest is counseling, and possibly couples' counseling. You opened a can of worms and now you have to deal with it. That's not easy. The problem is, helping you through the situation is not something we can do here from the Literotica boards. Besides, that's what money is for, right?--to obtain services you can't provide for yourself. You hire a plumber to repair your toilet; why not call the proper technician to help smooth over your mistakes? That's what therapists are for.

I'm not going to assign blame or say that one person is at fault (or is more at fault), and if your husband truly loves you, he won't either. That which affects you affects him, and he'd stand by you even if the problem didn't involve him directly (and, obviously, this one does). And I think that's something you should work on, both by yourself and with him. Flinging recriminations will not help. Defending yourself will not help. Your only priority should be pleasing him, and his should be pleasing you. If you can think that way, then you're ready for compromise. (Too many people go into it thinking, "Ugh, why do I have to stop doing something if it wasn't wrong?" The answer is, It was wrong: your partner asked you to stop, and that is enough. That doesn't mean you have to change; maybe your partner is overreacting and can be convinced to let you keep doing the questioned behavior. But the point is that you're not here to protect yourself. You're here to make your partner happy. Compromises don't work unless the other party is of higher priority than you yourself are.)

Hope some of this helps. Good luck.

 

[PixelPrincess]

I have to agree with those who suggest seeking professional counseling. I was the victim of indiscretion twice and we sought counseling together. We both had open minds and wounded hearts that needed healed. That being said, no amount of counseling will help or heal you, that must be done between the two of you. If you cannot forgive yourself, and he cannot forgive you, then it is hopeless. What's done is done and all you can do now is learn from it, move on, and be a better person for having endured it.

Now, before anyone attacks me, I'm not completely opposed to what old_scratch said. Even though I had absolutely nothing to do with my husband fucking another woman behind my back, I was fighting a grief that no one can begin to imagine and a personal depression that took me to a dark place where my husband didn't recognize me. I do not, and will not ever, agree with what he did, but I do understand it.

And now, 2 years later, we've learned from everything, talked through everything and have a very happy and healthy open marriage. You can come through this. No one can tell you what will be on the other side, you simply have to endure and figure it out for yourself. Good luck in your journey. I hope for your sake you gain the perspective and self-discovery that I was fortunate enough to have received.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I think the fantasy of a MFM is hot but the reality is that it would kill me for my significant other to be involved in one. I really could never get the image out of my mind even if I was a participant. And I find that I have a double standard and would hope that she would forgive me if I strayed because after all, for a man, "it's only sex"

And it can't possibly be 'only sex' for women as well?

 

[silverwhisper]

next step 2 quoth:
please, i need advice. has anyone else gone through something like this? any words of wisdom are very much welcomed. i need to know how a marriage goes from here.

years ago, i was in a committed relationship to the woman who would become my wife. i went for an overnight visit to an old friend/former gf in another state where she lived with her husband. after a couple of drinks that night, my other head did the thinking and i wound up sleeping with my former gf.

the situation isn't quite the same of course: i wasn't married while you are. but note the key similarities: sex-tinged history with the 3rd person and bad decision-making.

the fallout was a mess, as you might imagine. it took a lot of soul-searching for both of us to rebuild the trust that i shattered. but it did get rebuilt.

if you aren't already doing it, i suggest couples counseling.

ed

 

[MattWright]

Dear Lit Readers,

I need your input on an indiscretion I made. You see I took another guys dick in my mouth and now I’m tying to make sense of it all. Since there are no friends I can discuss this with, and after reading Lit and the honest and valuable comments/ advise its members write, my husband and I want Lit readers’ opinions and feedback.

While our marriage is weathering this indiscretion, it hadn’t been good for a long time. Knowing each other 11 years before marrying 15 years ago, we’ve had half a lifetime together and were best friends first. But typical job, time and money stressors took its toll on our relationship. We grew apart and shut each other out emotionally and physically while raising our two young children. For many years we didn’t realize I was depressed but finally medication helped me get past that. We had hit rock bottom in our relationship and often questioned so many aspects of our marriage. But always there was that something that kept us from walking away. We really love each other! It was just that we needed to like each other again and after tons of hours of conversation we felt good again about US. Like spring had sprung and we were smelling the flowers like Sleeping Beauty.

During that long time we had “died” sexually. We just went through the motions. So to add spice we fantasized about a threesome which gave an “edge” to our sex life. For my husband the fantasies were just that, fantasy. It was always just pillow talk. But I didn’t realize that, I thought after a while he was interested in it happening. The talk seemed like he really wanted to and I eventually became more comfortable with the idea. He even talked about me blowing an old friend by Labor Day. Problem was we didn’t realize we were on different pages.

And that’s how it happened, me blowing another guy. A co-worker was quite a jokester and would act like a real pussy tease. I had teased him back on occasion and joked then about his birthday spankings. One tease led to another and I thought we were moving towards some fun all together, we even talked about not telling other co-workers, that this kind of thing would be just our secret. So when a grab of the ass here and a spank there led a little too far, I didn’t jump off the band wagon, I stupidly jump in without even looking and I ended up sucking him off. Rather than establishing guidelines and going step by step, I messed it all up from the start.

See I thought that I was doing a good thing towards a threesome but instead I lost a grip on reality and did something that was foolish and hurtful to the man I love the most. I am torturing myself with the why and how’s hoping that I can find some words or thoughts that turns this whole thing around.

The worst part is now my husband is tormented by the thought of me being the office whore and is worried of what my co-worker thinks of me. And to top it off, the fun teasing and possible threesome seems a dead idea. I’ve told my co-worker what fun we all could have no strings attached and asked him to come home with me. For the record, he said he didn’t think of me badly. But I can see that the fun just isn’t the same and he’s backed off being such a tease. I certainly can’t push it too much for fear of work place sexual tension which I knew right from the start that this was a stupid and dangerous situation. The part that seemed okay was that he has as much to loose as I do. Now that it’s all messed up I have lost the trust of my husband, his faith in me, possibly my marriage with none of this having happened. All I did was screw it up royally!

The weirdest part of this is that it has pushed our marriage into the deepest self counseling that is possible. We’ve talked about so much a lot of good is coming from this. However it still remains that the guilt and the angst, pain and hurt it has brought to both of us is at times too much to bear. The thought of loosing the one person I love more than life itself rips me apart and all the mental torture is killing him.

Please, I need advice. Has anyone else gone through something like this? Any words of wisdom are very much welcomed. I need to know how a marriage goes from here.

You need to get rid of the guilt, this was certainly not entirely your fault. Your husband introduced the idea of a third party. You left out a lot of detail but you likely took it too far too soon. You also need to seriously ask the question given the problems the too of you were having prior to the office liasion, Is this a marrige that is worth saving. I do have some questions. Did your husband know about the "flirting" was it part of your Pillow talk? Did you discuss this person with your husband as being part of the threesome?

If you stay together I suspect that your husband will want to know more detail about this relationship no matter how brief. After all we know he already gets off on the "idea" of your having sex with another man. You need to be prepared fo that to happen.

 

[old_scratch]

I have to agree with those who suggest seeking professional counseling. I was the victim of indiscretion twice and we sought counseling together. We both had open minds and wounded hearts that needed healed. That being said, no amount of counseling will help or heal you, that must be done between the two of you. If you cannot forgive yourself, and he cannot forgive you, then it is hopeless. What's done is done and all you can do now is learn from it, move on, and be a better person for having endured it.

Now, before anyone attacks me, I'm not completely opposed to what old_scratch said. Even though I had absolutely nothing to do with my husband fucking another woman behind my back, I was fighting a grief that no one can begin to imagine and a personal depression that took me to a dark place where my husband didn't recognize me. I do not, and will not ever, agree with what he did, but I do understand it.

And now, 2 years later, we've learned from everything, talked through everything and have a very happy and healthy open marriage. You can come through this. No one can tell you what will be on the other side, you simply have to endure and figure it out for yourself. Good luck in your journey. I hope for your sake you gain the perspective and self-discovery that I was fortunate enough to have received.

The situation PixelPrincess describes is a very different circumstance. The situation described by the original poster, (Next_Step2), indicates that *both* the husband and wife created the circumstance that led to the indiscretion. In the case of Next_Step2, both the husband and wife actively sought and created a personal fantasy that through miscommunication led to the indiscretion. Because the husband did not make clear that he could not deal with the reality of the fantasy, and the wife did not ask if her husband was ready to take the fantasy to reality, both bear at least equal responsibility for what happened.

However, in the case of PixelPrincess, neither her, nor husband sought, (or even wanted), the circumstance that led to her depression. Because PixelPrincess did not seek to be depressed, (no one seeks depression), she cannot be held responsible in any way for her husband’s infidelity. However, not only did her husband betray her by selfishly seeking sexual comfort with another woman, he also betrayed her by not giving her the support and understanding PixelPrincess needed in her time of grief. In time of grief, if a woman cannot depend on her husband for support and understanding, who can she depend on? In this case, the husband bears all of the responsibility for what happened.

Just an observation: While it is good that PixelPrincess and her husband have found a way to resolve the problems in their relationship and still be able to continue their marriage, I suspect there is an underlying, unresolved anger waiting to erupt. This statement in her post, “my husband fucking another woman behind my back”, is not a statement a woman who has completely forgiven her husband would make.

When a woman’s husband betrays her by going outside of the marriage for sex, she may forgive him, but she will never forget.

 

[PixelPrincess]

This statement in her post, “my husband fucking another woman behind my back”, is not a statement a woman who has completely forgiven her husband would make.

When a woman’s husband betrays her by going outside of the marriage for sex, she may forgive him, but she will never forget.

Assume what you will. The statement was generated out of the anger of the time, not the current feeling. I have forgiven my husband and he has more than earned my trust back.

I apologize for hi-jacking, this is not about me...