Advice needed - help!

[cloudy]

My youngest plays almost daily with the kids that live directly behind us - there's even a gate between our yard and theirs, and the four of them go back and forth quite happily between the two yards/houses. They're good kids, for the most part, and I'm happy that spidey has friends.

That said...

The kids live with their grandparents, who are apparently very devout Christians, which is fine, but they go to church every time the doors are open (Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday), and now spidey has decided that WE'RE supposed to go to church now.

I've explained my beliefs, or as much as a 6-year-old can comprehend, anyway, and that I don't go to "church," but he's still insisting.

I'm not going. I don't believe in it, and I'm not going to pretend that I do, but how to explain that to him?

Help?

 

[arienette]

My youngest plays almost daily with the kids that live directly behind us - there's even a gate between our yard and theirs, and the four of them go back and forth quite happily between the two yards/houses. They're good kids, for the most part, and I'm happy that spidey has friends.

That said...

The kids live with their grandparents, who are apparently very devout Christians, which is fine, but they go to church every time the doors are open (Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday), and now spidey has decided that WE'RE supposed to go to church now.

I've explained my beliefs, or as much as a 6-year-old can comprehend, anyway, and that I don't go to "church," but he's still insisting.

I'm not going. I don't believe in it, and I'm not going to pretend that I do, but how to explain that to him?

Help?

I've thought about how I would raise children if something like this ever came up, me being an atheist.

The best way I could see of explaining it to him is say that you, personally, do not believe in going to church. However, there is nothing wrong with making up your own mind as a person and he can very well go to church, if the neighbors are willing to let him tag along for 1 mass a week.

Perhaps he'll see how boring it is and never talk to you about it again.

 

[cloudy]

I've thought about how I would raise children if something like this ever came up, me being an atheist.

The best way I could see of explaining it to him is say that you, personally, do not believe in going to church. However, there is nothing wrong with making up your own mind as a person and he can very well go to church, if the neighbors are willing to let him tag along for 1 mass a week.

Perhaps he'll see how boring it is and never talk to you about it again.

Well, I'm not an atheist, but my beliefs aren't anywhere close to mainstream.

The thing is, and I'm showing a bit of predjudice, I know, is that they're good ol' Southern Baptists, and I really, really don't want him convinced that their view of the world is the only one. I know that's horrible of me, but I really don't like what they teach.

*sigh*

 

[arienette]

Well, I'm not an atheist, but my beliefs aren't anywhere close to mainstream.

The thing is, and I'm showing a bit of predjudice, I know, is that they're good ol' Southern Baptists, and I really, really don't want him convinced that their view of the world is the only one. I know that's horrible of me, but I really don't like what they teach.

*sigh*

I know a little bit about what your beliefs are, I was just letting you know what mine are, which aren't the same in the least, but basically we have about the same view point on 'good ol' Southern Baptists'

I hate what it teaches as well, but if he is so persistent then the only way to make him a bit happy about the subject is to let him see for himself. But that's just my opinion which is always a take it or leave it thing.

 

[3113]

The thing is, and I'm showing a bit of predjudice, I know, is that they're good ol' Southern Baptists, and I really, really don't want him convinced that their view of the world is the only one. I know that's horrible of me, but I really don't like what they teach.

Try this:
Ask him where God is. Is God ONLY in church? Now we'll hope he'll say that God is everywhere. In which case, you can tell him that God hears prayers whereever they are said, because God is everywhere.

Go on to tell him that everyone has to pray to God in their own way. Connect this to something he can understand like kids who like to play games indoors or kids who play games outdoors, or kids who like to go to the park while others like to go to the movies (or whatever).

Would he like to be forced to always play a game he didn't like? How about the same game every Sunday? People at Church, you can tell him, will want him to play the same game every Sunday even if he doesn't like it. And that's why you aren't into Church.

Now you can bring it home. God wants us to pray to him in a way we like. He wants us to like prayer and enjoy communicating with him. He doesn't mind where we do it, so long as we like it and like him. You'll be happy to take him to church once to see if he likes it, but you would rather teach him how YOUR family worships God. Because prayer should be a family matter, a family tradition.

You are going to have to take him to church once...but scope it out first. And do not let him play with his friend if you take him to the same church as his friend. You have to make sure he understands that there are rules to church going; right now, it's mysterious and he wants to know why his friend gets to go and he doesn't. He doesn't realize that in Church he won't be able to fidgit, or talk or leave, and there is no playing. You have to satisfy his curiosity; keeping it a mystery will make it more likely that he'll latch onto it as he gets older.

If the mystery bubble is popped, then he may lose interest.

However, you still have to give him what he feels he's missing. This is when you say: "Let me show you OUR family tradition for praying to God." And NOW you really hit it home. Go native, Cloudy. Give him some hint of his special heritage--and special ways of connecting to God. Out under the stars, or in a park, or whatever.

Do an arts and crafts project with the whole family making up, I dunno, a dream catcher or something. Create a picnic of special foods. Teach them a dance or an old prayer. Make it unique and special and fun. And, sorry, but you're going to have to oversee his religious education from now on. Teach him religious stories from many different faiths if you like--or just the Biblical ones you like. Let him say prayers before bed, send him to the open-minded Sunday school of your choice. But you must do something. If you don't do this now, you will lose him to some church later on.

That's the only hope you have of getting him to understand that there are many ways to pray to God, not just the Baptist Church. This is not to say that he won't still grow up and decide to be a Baptist, but it could teach him to be an open-minded Baptist rather than a strict evangelical.

 

[McKenna]

Have you asked Spidey why he thinks he needs to go? Maybe his friends are talking about some neat, fun activities his church does and spidey wants to do the fun stuff, too. If that's not it, and he really is interested in God and religion, maybe suggest that you two go to several different churches? Maybe find something you both can live with?

 

[Weird Harold]

The thing is, and I'm showing a bit of predjudice, I know, is that they're good ol' Southern Baptists, and I really, really don't want him convinced that their view of the world is the only one. I know that's horrible of me, but I really don't like what they teach.

That sounds like a good starting point -- tell him that and explain that there is more than one "Church" to choose from.

Then let him go to Sunday School with his friends to have fun -- the level of indoctrination given to six-year-olds actually doesn't vary much from one protestant denomination to another and you can temper what indoctrination he gets there by encouraging him to attend Sunday School with other friends at other churches.

You don't need to go with him, but you do need to discuss the experience with him and add your interpretation to what Sunday School teachers tell him.

PS: it won't take him very long to find out that Sunday School is just that -- another day of school that he has to get up early for.

 

[Antfarmer77]

Letting him go will give him a comparison view a few years down the road

 

[carsonshepherd]

Letting him go will give him a comparison view a few years down the road

I agree. My parents told me what they believed (both atheists) and that I had to make up my own mind, and then they let me go to church with my grandma, neighbor, etc. My mom wasn't really happy about it, but she gave me the freedom to choose for myself, even very young. She always watched and questioned me to make sure I wasn't involved in anything like a cult though. She doesn't trust the Baptists.

Kids are smarter than most people give them credit for. They remember what you tell them, even if it doesn't seem to sink in. Don't compromise your own beliefs and go to church just because your kid thinks you should - he'll remember that you stood firm. Tell him what you believe and let him explore different things and decide for himself during his own life journey.

that's just my 2 cents anyway.

 

[TheEarl]

To be honest, I'd go with him at least once. I'm generally of the opinion that I'd want my children to make up their own minds and maybe Christianity might end up being the right path for him. He could end up being a really groovy Christian like EL and Joe Wordsworth and being devout, without being obnoxious and pompous.

On the other hand, he might hate it straight away.

IMHO (and it is humble, cause he's your Spidey <smiles>), I'd give him all the information about everything, from Christianity to your beliefs and not tell him that any one is 'wrong'. Just different.

The Earl


PS. Edit to say 'go with him' was meant to be as in 'keep him company', rather than you actually attending. Agree with what Carson said about not caving to his insistence that you should be with the Christians.

 

[Kev H]

Well, to ease your fears somewhat (if that's possible), I grew up Southern Baptist. Not "back seat Baptists," as they called the more normal people, but bible thumping, front row fundamentalists. I was baptized at 8ish (caught a cold from it and shoulda known then, hehe), and even "preached" a sermon at 12ish.

Then at 13 I decided it wasn't for me. I did not know what -was- for me, but I knew what -wasn't-. I wasn't ostracized nor burned at the stake. No hard feelings; I'm sure they still pray for me to find the way, but then so do I in the sense that we should always be open to the life search - it will just probably be a different way than they chose. Southern Baptists, despite what you may have heard, still believe in choice over brainwashing. While they make (or can make) good little sheep, that's their choice and no one else's.

It is, however, very influencial on a 6 year old, and quite fascinating. But life-altering? Only if he chooses it to be, and even then once he's much older. Not many people are stupid enough to think that a 6 year old can make a wise, informed decision about "their eternal soul", and while all churches differ, most Southern Baptists would simple want to expose your son to the truth (as they see it), not try to pressure him into any crucial decision. And worst case, he can always change his mind...I did.

How this affects you and your family...well, that will be your -choice- but if you want more detailed info (I still remember it all; all the sayings he's likely to hear, all the experiences), then PM me. Don't trust your insecurities toward your son (that's the motherly thing); it can only be a good experience for him; something that will give him the opportunity to grow as a spiritual being.

Kev

 

[MagicaPractica]

Reminds me of Chocolat when the little girl wants them to go to church to fit in and the mother says that the girl can go but it won't make things easier.

I wonder why your child wants to go too. I know my father was allowed to go to many different churches and I was too. I'd allow him as much leeway as you are comfortable with. Perhaps if he went with his friends a few times he would get sick of it but it depends on why he wants to go. If it's because his friends are telling him people who don't go to church go to hell, then you have a problem. If it's just for the fun of it, it probably will wear off.