Advice, If you cant be nice, dont respond.

[curvyjae]

..........

 

[bg23]

This totally makes sense. You were told to go to the How-To or you know, a marriage advice board or something and you went to...the Personals.

For advice on your abusive husband. Who is abusing you and your kids.

Because apparently being told "GTFO he's going to hurt your children" wasn't helpful enough for you?

What could anyone possibly say to you at this point that you haven't heard already or that would change your mind since your only response to the advice you have been given has been to ignore it?

This is me being pretty much the nicest I can be right now.

 

[simpletimes]

So, I really do not have anyone to talk to, so I thought of posting here to get some advice.

When is enough enough in a marriage?

My five year marriage has been littered by spurts of severe mental and emotional abuse, and dotted with occasional pushing and shoving. I was a vibrant 21 year old, self- confident, loving, caring, silly, bubbly. Fast forward six or so years... I am a little bit dark and icy.

I was raised in a peaceful and happy household, and HATE confrontation, conflict and chaos. My husband, his family, his ex wife and his two oldest kids thrive on it.

For the first few years I had grace and poise and handled everything so well.

My husband works, and brings home a steady paycheck, he fixes anything that is broke, helps clean, interacts with the kids. But also sets a horrible example by verbally abusing everyone, teasing, bullying etc.

Add in his very violent brother, his completely unstable ex wife etc etc....

Add in the 14 year old child that has had three mental hospital stays and has physically hurt two of the younger kids (my four year old has a broken collar bone right now because of him). Said 14 yr old has since moved out due to issues at school, he moved to his mothers house, but of course still visits.

My question is, even though you care about someone, and do not really want a divorce, to start all over... Break up your child's home. Is mental anguish enough to justify ending a marriage? My husband is not a horrible person, but my soul hurts daily, but perhaps I have a false sense of what marriage should be? I think marriage should be a union of two people that love, cherish and comfort each other. There is trust, respect and companionship between the two. I do not think it is healthy to fight daily or even weekly, ..

I think the point is made of the overall issues, I do not have any friends (he finds flaws in any friends I have), and I hate talking negatively to my mother, whom I am very close to, about my husband. Maybe some of you wiser, more experienced members can give some advice.

Your own peace of mind and the safety of your child is what is important. If this man is verbally abusive already, it is not hard to fathom the abuse escalating. From your post I sense that he has major control issues, that is not what a relationship is about.
You should take the time to confide in your mother, we all need someone to talk to at times.
A marriage must be built on mutual respect, giving and sharing.

Just my short answer.

 

[longteacher]

It sounds like you know

But if you need confirmation that it is time to go. IT IS TIME. Physical and mental abuse is not something to tolerate. When it is the only example your child sees you set them up for the same as the become adults. Feel free to msg me to talk more. Best of luck.

 

[Duke_101]

For your safety and the childrens....it sounds like its time to send a wakeup call and leave. As a mother your first responsibility is to your children and therie well being. PM me if you need an ear.

 

[CayleeBug71]

From someone who herself lived through an abusive marriage while having to worry about the safety of herself and her son, let me make it easy on you and just tell you to go ahead and get the heck out. Words are cheap, I know. Trust me though, do not let it get to the point where it becomes a physically abusive relationship in addition to the mental abuse, that is an anguish no one should ever have to endure.

My prayers are with you dear.

 

[curvyjae]

thank you

thank you caylee.

 

[Bamaray]

Listen to your heart!!

I am not expert nor am I gonna set here and pretend to know what you are going through. I can only tell you what I would do in your situation. Abuse in any form is not healthy for you or your children. If you have tried to make it work then you have done your best and no one could fault you for leaving. Just because it is only verbal abuse does not make it right or better. There is a very very thin line from verbal to physical. Seeing as the 14 yr old has already crossed that line I see no reason that the husband won't either. Just my two cents for you to ponder however I think you already know what you need to do!!!!!

 

[ProfQ1955]

From the male perspective where I am very much like you amd my ex wife a very good mental abuser. My life changed so dramatically when I got a divorce, for the better. You become the person you should be. Not the shell you currently are. Be strong and leave life will become good for you.

 

[curvyjae]

see

people can give nice, useful feedback.

Thank you guys. I feel I have tried most everything to make sure the relationship can go in a better direction, but all my efforts shift back to the way things are when they are really bad.



Good for you ProfQ for getting out. I know that things will be better. Its just getting up the courage to leave.

 

[simpletimes]

people can give nice, useful feedback.

Thank you guys. I feel I have tried most everything to make sure the relationship can go in a better direction, but all my efforts shift back to the way things are when they are really bad.



Good for you ProfQ for getting out. I know that things will be better. Its just getting up the courage to leave.

It is a hard step to take, but one that must be taken. Be strong for yourself and child.

 

[CayleeBug71]

Another piece of advice that may seem to be common sense and that you might have even thought of, but really have a good support structure in place before you decide to leave. Even more so if he or his trusted friends and family are mentally unstable or violent. Those types of situations can quickly spiral out of control and lead to potential "I never thought this type of stuff could happen to me" moments.

 

[Heidi123]

Great advice, Caylee. Curvyjae, you may have already thought of these things, too, but if not...before you leave, get your own bank account set up, if possible, get a restraining order in place, change the locks on the house doors if you get to keep the house, get yourself and your child in to see a couselor immediately, and ask a family member or friend to stay there with you for a few weeks.

For what it's worth, things often happen more violently when you leave. It is like a rage takes over and the more possessive monster comes out. Saying a prayer for you...so hard to go through something like this especially when a child is concerned. Children are the ones who take the biggest hit of all in this process. Creating a safe and stable environment and lots of love will help your child through this and you, too.

Most of all, do not look back...no regrets. Know you did the right thing even when others may try to tell you differently. You can do this, it will be hard, but well worth it in the end. I am speaking from experience.

 

[teacher78]

It's really easy to answer this question: your happiness comes first. At all costs.

Do you think you can make OTHER PEOPLE happy if you are not happy yourself? Seriously...that's the starting point of every normal, happy life.

That said, it's not easy to find happiness, or to rebuild one, but I'm sure a marriage that doesn't bring you happiness is not the point to start...everyone has it's limits the, but for me, that would be already more then "enough".

Ah, you can of course accept compromises...but those must be compromises that don't affect your happiness. So, nothing "basic" for you.

For instance, you probably know by now that you don't like a man that shouts and verbally attacks other people. You know where to start finding a new one (I'm talking about finding a new one because, simply, noone changes. Do not hope, ever, that he will change, because he will not. And if he will, he will be the unhappy one - begin someone he isn't - and such bringin unhappines on the marriage.)

 

[paulstories]

Can only echo some of the great advice given above.

Bite the bullet and confide in your mother. That's what parents are there for.

I'd hope she wouldn't be judgmental or say 'I told you so'..just concerned that her child was enduring such pain and enduring it alone.

Here if you want to PM any time and I'm sure that goes for all the people here.

Paul

 

[erOzica]

people can give nice, useful feedback.

Thank you guys. I feel I have tried most everything to make sure the relationship can go in a better direction, but all my efforts shift back to the way things are when they are really bad.



Good for you ProfQ for getting out. I know that things will be better. Its just getting up the courage to leave.

Similar situ to ProfQ...and had to get out. It wasn't easy and when I did others praised me for my courage. At the time I didn't see it as courage more a lack of it in running away but now away I feel once again proud of myself for re-finding myself. These situations can't be solved. Abusers know how to manipulate and take advantage. Most other comments here are exactly right, particularly in setting up a plan and a support system. You are right of course, it does take courage... but in your case it's doing what is necessary for your children, not just for yourself so alternatives don't exist. Good luck and speed...you can do it!

 

[Sexyladykate]

Getting up the courage to leave will be the hardest thing you've ever had to do. it doesn't matter that you're unhappy...sometimes you stay just because you feel that's what is expected. leave if it's what you truly want. you are the only one who can make that decision and in your own time.

 

[surf1]

If the situation is putting you and/or you child in a situation where one is being hurt then Get out. Seriously.

Make sure you have some $ saved. Your will not want to use credit or debit cards b/c he can track you that way, or, be a bigger dick and report them stolen or something . Go somewhere that you think that he wouldn't suspect you moving to.

Right away get a restraining order-may help legally to remove hime easily if he finds you (but may not really offer any solid protection).

In whatever city you end up, seek out a women/children's shelter. They can offer support in getting you living supplies (new cll phone, clothes etc. some furnishings etc.) .

Have some allies that you can rely on if you need any help.

And don't give in.

Just offering help that was useful to a friend who had to get away.

good luck...be safe

 

[ejredlady]

So, I really do not have anyone to talk to, so I thought of posting here to get some advice.

When is enough enough in a marriage?

My five year marriage has been littered by spurts of severe mental and emotional abuse, and dotted with occasional pushing and shoving. I was a vibrant 21 year old, self- confident, loving, caring, silly, bubbly. Fast forward six or so years... I am a little bit dark and icy.

I was raised in a peaceful and happy household, and HATE confrontation, conflict and chaos. My husband, his family, his ex wife and his two oldest kids thrive on it.

For the first few years I had grace and poise and handled everything so well.

My husband works, and brings home a steady paycheck, he fixes anything that is broke, helps clean, interacts with the kids. But also sets a horrible example by verbally abusing everyone, teasing, bullying etc.

Add in his very violent brother, his completely unstable ex wife etc etc....

Add in the 14 year old child that has had three mental hospital stays and has physically hurt two of the younger kids (my four year old has a broken collar bone right now because of him). Said 14 yr old has since moved out due to issues at school, he moved to his mothers house, but of course still visits.

My question is, even though you care about someone, and do not really want a divorce, to start all over... Break up your child's home. Is mental anguish enough to justify ending a marriage? My husband is not a horrible person, but my soul hurts daily, but perhaps I have a false sense of what marriage should be? I think marriage should be a union of two people that love, cherish and comfort each other. There is trust, respect and companionship between the two. I do not think it is healthy to fight daily or even weekly, ..

I think the point is made of the overall issues, I do not have any friends (he finds flaws in any friends I have), and I hate talking negatively to my mother, whom I am very close to, about my husband. Maybe some of you wiser, more experienced members can give some advice.

I can only share my own experience and musings based on it:
22 years later I am out of the marriage I thought would be forever. The physical abuse will only escalate. You have an injured child and the injury was caused by another child in the home? The harm to my child would be where I would draw the line. My heart was broken and my soul ripped apart. I am finally mending emotionally and am so glad. My regret? I stayed 22 years. I am now 58 years old: Alone, filled with regrets yet somehow finding the strength and courage to move forward. I am a true romantic at heart. I believe somewhere a man is also seeking a woman who will love him, be faithful to him, care for him and provide his emotional and physical (sexual) needs with love and respect. I also believe i will receive the same in return.
The moral of this story: protect yourself and your child. I say yourself first, because if you aren't safe your child will never be safe. LEAVE. Begin life again while you are still young and recapture the bright, bubbly, happy, secure, confident woman you described yourself as being 6 years ago. I know there will always be a holiday, birthday, event, anniversary making the time seem wrong..Trust me - the time is right, right NOW! Begin your life NOW.

This is my opinion and I am nt a professional, just another soul on the journey.

 

[curvyjae]

Thank you

Thank you all very much for the encouragement. So much of the information and advice you all have share makes sense and I think the first step is confiding in my mother. She knows a lot, and my parents know there are problems, and if the oldest child did not move out, they offered me a place to stay while my son heals. Perhaps it is time that I spilled everything and let my parents be my support system.

And ejredlady... I am a romantic at heart also, and he took away my beliefs in happily ever after, true love, soulmates, but I think that deep down I still believe, so I believe regardless your age, you will find your happily ever after.

 

[Numerical_Value]

Speaking from the child's perspective, I was verbally abused on a regular basis as a child, and I spent a lot of time thinking that I was the one to blame for the issues in my parents relationship. Without getting into too much detail here in a very public forum, I would say that it's the best decision for your children and yourself. My mother is much happier now. As am I, but that's all of my own accord (and the help of a therapist), she didn't get out until after I moved out anyways.

For your kids' sake, please get out.

 

[Story_Daddy]

Thank you all very much for the encouragement. So much of the information and advice you all have share makes sense and I think the first step is confiding in my mother. She knows a lot, and my parents know there are problems, and if the oldest child did not move out, they offered me a place to stay while my son heals. Perhaps it is time that I spilled everything and let my parents be my support system.

And ejredlady... I am a romantic at heart also, and he took away my beliefs in happily ever after, true love, soulmates, but I think that deep down I still believe, so I believe regardless your age, you will find your happily ever after.

That is what community and family is about. As a mother. you need to protect your kids FIRST. Then yourself. All notions of "romance" went out the door when he starting verbally and emotionally abusing. I know it is hard, but you must put your family first---- period.

There are lots of great programs out there to help... but it sounds like you have a strong support system- and you know what you need to do.

You can do it. (and when he comes crying about how sorry he is, and how much he can change, reread this thread- because it will never change. EVER)

 

[princesssexci]

Okay this is WAY out of my league here as I have never been married but I have been emotionally and mentally abused by an ex. He seemed to thrive off drama and confrontation and I just like you am the exact opposite. Honestly, you have to ask yourself this and this is what I'd do as a parent if I were one. Do you want to have your kids grow up in a home where they see their mother emotionally hurt? I watched my mom go through it and it pissed me off to no end!

Do you want your kids to grow up thinking thats how a man should treat a woman? I don't know all the details but from what it sounds like, it seems like a justifiable reason to quit a marriage.

 

[jusgoodcleanfun]

hey sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do

 

[jusgoodcleanfun]

sometimes you really have to look out for yourself once in a while