Advice for banter between friends

[StillStunned]

The majority of American readers just went "Huh? What? I don't get it."

I imagined the intention as something along the lines of "Fuck you!" "Get in one of the lines" (like, for one of the orifices.) It didn't even register as a pun.

Like I mentioned above, it's one of those rare instances where English actually sounds exactly like it's written.

 

[debaucher]

Neither of them feel that real to me; both seem forced and unnatural.

I suspected that, too. Thank you for the honest opinion, will revise it.

 

[debaucher]

@debaucher, ask ten different people and you’ll get ten different opinions. Not out of bad intent, but each will try to steer you toward their own preferences. In the end, you’ve got to develop a backbone and stay true to your creative vision. Listen to what others have to say, but don’t rush to revise your work on every whim.

BTW, I liked the pun. Not everyone is a sharp perceiver. Never stoop to the lowest common denominator.

The thing here is, I'm writing in a foreign language, so I'm always unsure about how something would come across. (Even when writing forum comments.) Anyway, I've considered what you said, what others said, and what I feel would be right. And made up my mind. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work; it's not like that'd be the end of the world.

 

[iwatchus]

The thing here is, I'm writing in a foreign language, so I'm always unsure about how something would come across. (Even when writing forum comments.) Anyway, I've considered what you said, what others said, and what I feel would be right. And made up my mind. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work; it's not like that'd be the end of the world.

In that first pair of lines, as an American, I probably would have replied "Take a number!" rather than the queue comment. Other than that, I can easily hear A as a real conversation. And if this is their first dialogue described, it sets a great tone for the relationship.

There are differences within English itself -- American, British, Australian, Canadian, and so on -- with different words, slang, and idioms. So language background is no excuse. If you’re a gifted storyteller and have the basic technique, you’ll be fine. Now, 'nough babble, go write.

I would not guess ESL writer from this excerpt. The queue comment made me think English, but the rest of it didn't feel English to me, which I guess is weird. Do you know which form of English your characters should be using? Do you have a setting that would determine that? Not intermixing the dialects has to be hard. I don't even try to use anything other than American English because I would botch it up. Of course, some people absolutely hate my dialogue as it is, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

 

[debaucher]

In that first pair of lines, as an American, I probably would have replied "Take a number!" rather than the queue comment. Other than that, I can easily hear A as a real conversation. And if this is their first dialogue described, it sets a great tone for the relationship.



I would not guess ESL writer from this excerpt. The queue comment made me think English, but the rest of it didn't feel English to me, which I guess is weird. Do you know which form of English your characters should be using? Do you have a setting that would determine that? Not intermixing the dialects has to be hard. I don't even try to use anything other than American English because I would botch it up. Of course, some people absolutely hate my dialogue as it is, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

It's set in a southern part of India, so their language would be a mix of British (from formal education) and American (Hollywood and social media influence).